Chapter 3: Selfish.

12 o'clock in the night.

    “Choi Junhong!!! Where have you been all this time?!” Youngjae deeply shouted as Junhong opened the door and came into the dorms.

    “I was bringing burgers for you, guys.”

    “You're such a good maknae.” Daehyun patted the younger’s head.

    “Good? Good?!!!” Youngjae yelled “It's midnight!!! I thought you were lost or worst!!! I called you and you never picked up!!!”

    “Sorry, I forgot the phone.”

    “Sorry? Sorry? How dare you?!!! If something bad happens to you, Himchan's gonna kill me.”

    “That's why you're acting like this? You’re being Himchan hyung now Himchan hyung is on a break?”

    “I'm not acting like Himchan.”

    “You are. You even have the infamous vein that pops out on Himchan’s forehead when he’s worried and mad.” Daehyun said “You drove around the neighborhood looking for Junhong twice with a loudspeaker. It’s something only Chanchanieeeeee does.”

    “I'm hungry.” Jongup said “Youngjae hyung made us look for you everywhere, so we haven't eaten yet.”

    “Here the burgers.” Junhong shook the bag full of burgers and headed to the kitchen where he threw them on the table.

    “You're the best maknae ever.” Daehyun pressed his cheek against Junhong's “You bought so many burgers for your hyungs.”

    “There's pork, beef, beacon, chicken...” Junhong said.

    “And this?” Jongup pointed to the biggest and good looking hamburger.

    “It's a seafood one. It’s made of fish, octopus, squid, shrimp, lobster, crab, seaweed...”

    “I want it!” Daehyun said.

    “I bought it especially for Yongguk hyung.”

    “Why?”

    “He likes seafood.”

    “So I”

    “Sorry, it's for Yongguk hyung.”

    “Let me eat the seafood one and you take the others to him. He isn't going to taste the difference.” Daehyun said.

    “Oh yeah, cos beef and shrimp are the same, pork and octopus are the same...” Youngjae said.

    “Who cares? He already ate, anyway.” Jongup said.

    “What?” Junhong asked.

    “I saw him eating noodles and pork at the studio... He didn't even give me a bite... In revenge I'm the one who should eat this tasty and special and big hamburger.”

    “I'm gonna keep it in the fridge, so he can eat later.” Junhong said.

    “Come on, he's already sleeping. Give the hamburger to your favorite hyung.” Daehyun said.

    “Na... He isn't sleeping; he's talking to his girlfriend on phone like always.” Jongup said.

    Zelo almost dropped the burger as Jongup said that.

    “Oh my gosh, since when he has a girlfriend?” Daehyun exclaimed eagerly.

    “Oh man, it's not his girlfriend, it's his therapist or psychiatrist... Not sure... They're always talking...” Youngjae said.

    “Is normal for them to talk so much? I mean... Therapists just hear you for one hour, once or twice by week... and Yongguk hyung and her talk like every day at every second.” Daehyun said.

    “I told you, it's his girlfriend.” Jongup was joking and everybody knew it, but the maknae couldn't help feeling jealous.

    “She's forty years, though.” Jongup said.

    “So? Noonas are hot.” Daehyun nodded his head avidly.

    “You're right, I once ran into her and she's really pretty. I think she was a model or actress before ending as a therapist.” Jongup said.

    “Being crazy has good sides.” Daehyun joked, everybody laughed except Junhong.

    He never thought hard about Yongguk and his therapist, and it's only now as the hyungs say it Junhong felt uneasy. He tried remembering the last time Yongguk and he talked for hours and he couldn’t. They only held hands and remained in silence. There was few speaking and Junhong didn’t know what the older thought or felt.

Junhong headed to the rooftop in order to get some fresh air. Everything seemed unknown to him. He saw Yongguk everyday and they held hands and they looked into each other’s eyes and listened to music together and slept closely, but he didn’t know what was on the rapper’s mind.

    Junhong stopped brusquely at the rooftop’s threshold. To his shock, the man of his thoughts and concerns was standing next to the edge and talking on the phone. Yongguk’s voice sounded deep and sweet, he was laughing and his eyes were shining, as though he was talking to his sweetheart. Therapist, sweetheart, therapist, sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart…

    The blond-haired boy was embarrassed and tried leaving before the older discerned his presence. But Yongguk’s eyes met his. The leader stopped talking, grasped the cellphone tightly until his knuckles became white. He whispered goodnight, bye and hung up.

    “Oh, Junhong, you're here.” Yongguk pretended he wasn’t on the phone early while deep down he deliberated how much Junhong heard.

    “Yeah.” Junhong didn't know what to think, the older hung the phone up so quickly, he seemed guilty of something, like hiding a lover.

    The idea of his hyung having a lover made him upset. And the secrecy made him more upset. If Yongguk was dating his therapist or whoever else Zelo wasn’t going to sell him out to the record label. The man he appreciated so much should give him some credit and be honest, but Yongguk behaved like a criminal.

    “Are you ok?” Yongguk asked, worried. He didn’t get why the blond-haired boy looked so distraught.

    “Yeah... I... I didn't want to interrupt.”

    “It's fine, it was nothing serious.” A smile was drawn on Yongguk’s face, he was pleased for seeing Zelo; he barely could met him at the studio since they were recording.

    ”But... even if it's something serious... you can talk to me, can't you?”

    “Of course...?”

    “I mean, you spend hours and hours talking to your psychologist or whatever… I guess that’s she’s for, after all you're paying..., but I'm here... Face to face... for free... You can talk to me... too… I’m here…”

    “I know... Nevertheless… there are things I can't talk to you...”

    “Not even me? I mean, we used to talk about a lot of stuff, you name it: music, food, TV series, sports, video games... poop... ok, that last didn't sound good, but I want to make my point, we used to talk about everything… and now...” Junhong shut up and waited for Yongguk to say something.

    He waited for the older to laugh and say you’re overreacting, he wished for the older to talk to him like he used to.

    “Listen; there are things I can't talk to you...”

    “You're right; I’m not smart like Youngjae hyung or grown up like Himchan hyung... I'm not her either... I mean, I'm not your therapist... It's ok if you don't talk to me.” Junhong rolled his eyes, he tried to be chill, but tears covered his eyes and he left rudely before crying like a stupid giant baby.

    Suddenly the fresh air felt heavy, Yongguk wanted to run after Junhong and explain him. He wanted to talk to his friends, especially to Junhong, but he couldn't.

    Yongguk was frightened, confused, tired, excited, overjoyed, angry, distressed, agitated, maniac, lost at the same time. He didn’t want to talk to his friends or family, he felt stupid and ashamed for not handling his feelings.

    But the truth is he didn’t care if his friends or family knew about how crazy and absurd he was. The only thing he didn’t want it was for Junhong to know. The younger looked up to him and respected him.

    Junhong thought Yongguk was great and cool, talented, strong and with everything under control.

    Yongguk was very afraid of Junhong discovering how wrong he was.