Preposterous

Personal Sunshine
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      “Ah, Hwi your finally awake”

 

     Hyojong stood in front of me.  Smiling as he usually does.

 

     “Good morning, we'll afternoon now” He continued as he wandered back into the kitchen lightly letting out a giggle.  

     I couldn't help but stand there in awe. How could he talk to me so normally? My whole body started to sting, as if I was stung by a bee a million times over. Should I ask him to clarify his feelings? That way my mind won't be in this mess anymore.

 

     I looked into the kitchen and studied him as he was starting to make food. He was so delicate with how he handled everything. I've always been so fascinated with how he does certain tasks. Just by watching him made my heart more at ease.

 

     “You know Hwi,” Hyojong simpered breaking my fixation on him “I thought it was weird at first and wondered why you would have such feelings for me” he continued as he put down the pair of chopsticks he was using.

 

     “I hated how you distanced yourself, I also got jealous over the little things that I used to never really care about before and one day it dawned on me that I started to feel the same way for you” I was completely blown away by his bold statement and I'm sure that my face was almost a similar shade of that of a tomato.

 

     The torment I put myself through the last couple of months just seemed to vanish and the wounds of my heart healed instantly. In a way I wanted to jump out of joy but I also wanted to curl up in my bed and cry. I had to pinch my cheek to see if I really wasn't dreaming. I flinched from the slight pain I caused to myself and as I heard Hyojong snort, I glanced up looking at him.

 

     Seeing that he had decreased the gap between us. It took a few seconds and after fully realizing that he had I took a few steps back and hit the wall behind me. As he closed in, he took my hand in his.

 

     “Hwitaek” he said with a hint of sweetness in his voice. I quickly tried to avoid his eye contact.

 

     He moved to wherever I laid my eyes on and in the end, with nowhere else for my eyes to escape. We locked eyes and he was too close for my own comfort.

 

     The water just happened to boil at that moment causing the water to spew all over. Hyojong smiled letting go of my hand. After he made a cute pouty face as he opened the ramen packaging and plopped it into the pot.

 

     “Hyojong, I...” I couldn’t help but stutter between the words that came out of my mouth

 

     “I...don’t know what you’re saying.” and I looked to the ground and pulled at my hair because that really wasn't what I was trying to say.

 

     I know what he was saying, I was just having a hard time forming a proper sentence.

 

     “Hwi, what I'm saying is that I like you” He said looking up from stirring the ramen.

 

     My chest felt tight and a small smile crossed my face as I felt this weird electricity run from my toes to my ears.

 

     “It's done” he remarked holding onto the pot then rushing into the living room. “Come eat” he yelled and thus I followed his command.

 

      When I walked into the living room, there he was sitting there tapping away on the floor next to him for me to come sit beside him.

 

     We sat in silence as we ate and watched what was on the TV because we haven't been able to find the remote control for over a month.

 

     “Hwi” Hyojong chirped suddenly. I hummed in

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lettylederp
Hello everyone, I have a new huidawn fic. If you'd like to check it out its called Summer Storm.

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LoveKpopPortugal_14 #1
Chapter 9: This story was great!!! I love it
LoveKpopPortugal_14 #2
Chapter 8: Omg so cuteeeee!!
LoveKpopPortugal_14 #3
Chapter 2: I love ur writing authornim ♥
kevinwoodrunk #4
Chapter 9: Omg >.< Please update, Huidawn is a ship that needs so much more love!
secretlurve
#5
Chapter 9: Aww, this is so cute. Edawn is so cute. Everyone is happy. Is the story already finished?

Anyway.

Your writing is a bit stiff. Or awkward. How do we call it? Like, there are some parts which are not exactly clear in the way you describe it. It's not that they can't be understand, but eh. I think it's the lack of emotion play part in this.

Ex: There he was standing there with the cutest look on his face. Slowly he made his final steps to remove my hands from my face.

(I wrote back this snippet from this chapter)

I would like to know what kind of cute face Edawn is making. Is the lazily pulled smile on his sleepy face made him look cute? Or does he smile widely in a way Hui never see that it just tug his heart? And how about Hui himself? What is his reaction? Perhaps his face reddened and he leaned down to conceal more of his blush.

I won't say you are bad though. You are getting better by each chapter and I think you should just continue what you do. Because the newer chapters are slowly becoming smoother in the sense of sentences writing.

And make sure to have punctuation marks in your dialogues. You tend to leave them. :)

This story has a light conflict, in which these boys has the problem to confess to their crushes. Understandable, and while I have read a few of this type of fics before, I have to say that I like these kind of fic, because, you know. The light angst and partial fluff is just making me want to read more, although I know how it will end.

And that is always because of the characterization, I think. There aren't big characters development going around, but something is changing, and that's enough to be a good story.

You will grow more in writing, and you are doing good already. :)
heavell_
#6
Chapter 9: hello there!! just wanted to say that this is really good so far!!
i hope you plan on continuing this~
NCTRASHP #7
Chapter 9: Update soon auhornim, Craving for more HuiDawn (╯з╰)
NCTRASHP #8
Chapter 7: I like savage Hyojong actually ahhahaha Hope that Changgu confess already so that my ships are already on point hahahaha
NCTRASHP #9
Chapter 6: Darn Hwi hahahaha Finally Hyojong knows it, don't ever hurt your Hwi please oh and Yanan your still a baby XD
NCTRASHP #10
Chapter 3: Hahahah i'm basically laughing fof HongMom hahahaa