Dear Junyoung,

I wore a nice outfit this morning and did my hair all nice. Took some selcas, and then went to school. This morning, everything was so peaceful and sunny! I felt really relaxed.

Then I encountered Matt. As much as I thought I liked the guy, it just seems the feelings faded away. I don't think we should like each other because I'm not ready for a relationship and if we dated, I would be his rebound. There's no way he could like me right after he broke up with his girlfriend. I mean, I could wait for him and still like him...But I have something important to focus on.

My grades. They have been dropping. This week, I've been really emotional and that's been affecting my grades. Apparently, I can't do the things I want to and then do the things I have to. Life .

I've been told by Nana that I'm so emotional and that sometimes it can be a bit annoying. I know she was trying to be honest...But she's hurting me. It's like she's judging me, and that's what I hate the most. I hate being judged. She started telling me that I keep switching who I like and all over and over again, and that made me feel like a . And then she told me how she doesn't like how I become all emotional after an honest opinion. She needs to understand that I just don't want to like Matt anymore. Why can't we just end it like that? Why did she have to complicate the whole topic? She thinks that the whole reason I stopped liking him is because he stopped approaching me, Lia and Laur in the morning...That's not the reason. The feelings just faded. But she wouldn't understand. That's why maybe I should stop telling her my romance problems. 

I mean before, I was so comfortable in front of Nana. But all her 'honest opinions' toward me...They just make me aware of my actions towards her. It's like the time she told me that I need to stop talking about my weight, because I'm fine the way I am, and probably when I eat I eat a lot over and over again and then I stop eating...So in that case, I just stopped eating in front of her. When we vidchat, I never eat. I hide my face or move the camera.

Now, I'm just going to shut up. I'm not going to talk about my love life or my depression or my friends. I'll just say I had a good day and that nothing happened, so there would be nothing to complicate. If we complicate things again, I'm just not going to talk to her anymore. I'm really sick and tired of crying after she gives me her judgments.

I probably sound like a crybaby or a , but if you only understood how I felt this week...If only. If you only cried as much as I did. If only you felt the sharp knife to your neck. If only...

On the bright side, the girl who hates me, Kiki, has haters too. I was just chatting with my friends on the bus and she just freaks out on us. She told us we were all annoying and we all need to shut up. I don't understand what we did wrong...We were just talking about our day. Now people are annoyed with her. I try not to get involved, but she pulls me in.

Going back to depression, my mom came home. I greeted her and then she stared at me and gasped. She told me how I'm just getting fatter and fatter by sitting by the computer and doing nothing. She doesn't see me at school. I'm so picky what I eat and then I exercise at the gym...But she doesn't get that.

No one understands me.

I'm so alone.

I'm probably annoying you again...I'm sorry. Let me just go die.

Kristine