Skip till the end of class...

Seeing the girls waiting for me outside of the classroom, I smile apologetically at them, “Girls, I'll go back alone for today, I had someone to meet up with." I said.

Even when they look at me curiously, only Sooyoung who asked, "Who?"

"Anne." I replied, sighing.

"I had no idea why too, I'll fill up with you guys later, alright?" I said again, looking at my watch.

 

Nodding their head, we bid goodbye to each other before walking the opposite way. I just take my time in walking, doesn't feel the rush to meet that person because it's not even my fault that the time is arranged after class, it could wait, like maybe in the evening and so on? By the time I reached at the rooftop, the girl is already standing there, so I walk towards her and stop behind her.

"What do you want now?" I asked, coldly.

Hearing my voice, she turns her head to face me, and shouts, "It's all because of you, how could you even hurt me this much?"

 

Although I'm shock with her sudden shouting, what shock me the most is actually her condition. There's no makeup on her face, heavy bag under her eyes, black eyes... This is so not the Anne I know, even in the past, she wouldn't even step one tiny steps outside the house without makeup. 

Clearing my throat, "For your information, I didn't even talk to your boyfriend a word." 

"You didn't know what you did wrong? Are you a fool?" She said, emptily, throwing a book at me, "Look at this yourself, I hate you so much, Kim Taeyeon. I really do, I don't ever want to see you anymore, not today, not tomorrow and not forever." She replied, then ran away without waiting for my replied.

 

I can't denied that it hurts a little bit to hear that from someone who used to be your best friend, if she hates me that much, why does she even wants to be my friend in the beginning. I don't get it. Waking up from my daze state, I bend down and collect up the book from the ground, flipping it and see the cover of it. It's a silver book with a few blue colof of gradient on it, and below there, it wrote, 'If only you knew...'

 

Thus, I take the book with me and walked down from the rooftops, heading back home after dialling for the chaffeur to pick me up as I didn't want to walk alone through the alley when the sky is becoming dark soon. Once I reached home, I did my usual routine such as taking a shower to clean myself up from all the dust and sweat, eating my dinner and have a little chat with my friends who is on their way to the pub to have some drinks, releasing stress as they'd said.

"What's exactly in this book? Why does Anne gave it to me when she hates me that much?" I thought, caressing the cover of the book.

 

I know whose book this belong to, the writing is so familiar to me, way familiar. Knowing whose the owner of this book, I'm complementating whether should I open it and read it, scared of what's written inside this book, afraid that regret will fill in me. Because, I didn't want to go through another heartbreak because of him anymore, I wanna live my life happily now, that's all I can do to repay everyone's kindness and supports. But, few minutes later, I decided to give it a go, thus, I flip it to the first page of the book.

 

I left her, I left the only girl that brings happiness to my life. My heart completely broke when she ran away while trying hard not to cry in front of me. I promised not to hurt her and to be with her forever but I broke it. I lied to her. I remembered overheard Anne saying that if I don’t approve her, she will make Tae lives in despair. She'll do anything to make her stop schooling, but Tae loves studying. That’s why I have to accept her, I must protect Taeyeon, I need to. If only she knew, will there still be any different now? If only you knew, if only you turned back and saw me crying, will you ever forgive me?

 

Flipped.

For two weeks, it's been two weeks that she isn't coming to school. For the first time, she's absent even when she really hates it. Although the teacher told us that her parents had called and informed that she is currently having some personal problems, but I know it's a lie. It's because of me, she isn't completely healed yet and she doesn't want to face me. Taeyeon ah, however you are now, I hope one day you will be fine without me. It’s okay for me to be hurt, because all I need is just you to be happy, alright? I will always love you. If only you knew, how much I miss your love and how clingy you are to me... 

 

I flipped again.

After one month, she’s finally back, my love is finally back. But she's changed, she's no longer the same girl I used to know. I understand her cold tone towards me, I know how much she hates me. So, I just kept quiet, doesn't want to hurt her anymore. She probably thinks I’m asleep when I’m lying down on the desk but in fact I’m not, cause I'll always look at her naturally, it'd been a habit the moment I fall for her. I heard how she asked Ailee for help, but then, knowing she isn't brave enough, I just circle the answer for her and explain it. Once I'm done, she nods her head, and I know that she's saying thank you. At least, you're still here where I can see you. If only you knew, how happy I am to see you in front of me, in my life again... 

 

I flipped to the next page again.

Although you can't heard me but thank you so much for tonight, Taeyeon ah. Taking the slap for you was actually not a big deal for me, I would take any hits from you. Thank you for still remembering that place. I'm so proud of you, baby. You're still the kind girl as always, it's just my fault that you'd cover that part with a mask. However, I don't care about that, because we could at least still joke about things. I had no idea why you rejected me, and even if it's hurt, it's okay. If only you knew, I don't even love Anne, would you go to the paryt as my partner? I hope you still love me but at the same time, I also know that I shouldn't be selfish to let you being hurt because of me. That's why I decided to let you go, if only you knew, how this pain is softly killing me from the inside and out.

 

When I'm finally read through every pages in it, I could feel how wet my face were from the tears. I can't believe it, why can't he tell her? If he did, we could at least face all the problems together, I could at least won't feel so hurt and that, I'm perfect the way I am. Wiping off my tears, I stand up from the bed, taking the book with me and put it on top if the table, but before I could do that, a paper fell out from the book. Thus, I take it and realized, it's a picture of us and some scribbles words behind it.

Taeyeon ah, I wrote this for you but I don’t think I'll ever have any courage to give it to you, especially face-to-face. At the same time, I don’t think you will ever get the chance to read this at all. I’m so sorry for hurting you on that day. I’m sorry for being cold towards you. Sorry for lying to you about your look. To be honest, you really does look pretty and cute to me when you’re still a nerd, not only that, I also love how you cling to me all the time. I know that’s just you showing how much you love and care about me. But like you said, past is past. There’s no way everything will be back to the past where there is once two of us. Us. Not a tiny little bit of regret that I've ever felt whenever I'm beside you and confessing my love. So, I really really hope that wherever you are, you will always be my girl, Kim Taeyeon. Although I can’t shout it to the world about it, but I’ll keep you in my heart where nobody is allowed to take away your crown from my heart. Be happy with your life and move on from someone like me. It doesn’t matter to me how hurt I am as long as you’re happy with your life. Goodbye, my princess Kim Taeyeon.

 

Whispering the last word out, I cried more than before. You're such a fool, Byun Baekhyun. But thanks to this book and this pictures, I finally know that it's time for all of us to stop being hurt, I'll be the one to make the decision this time. Wiping my tears, I take my guitar and my music note sheet, sitting on the bed and tuning the guiter to the right tune, I clear my throat and start strumming and sang out every feelings that I felt now into a song. 

'This is the real beginning of my life, if only you be honest with me in the past, we would be together and maybe, things will be different. Thank you for giving me this closure that I really need, I'm so sorry, Byun Baekhyun. I couldn't forgive you...' I thought in my heart, painfully.

 

그 노래가 좋은 게
Liking that song

그 거리가 좋은 게 아냐 아냐
Liking that road, that’s not it, that’s not it

같이 듣던 노래가
I like the song we listened to together

함께 걷던 거리가 좋아 정말이야
Roads we used to walk together, it’s true

 

첨부터 이런 못난 모습을
From the beginning, this ugly appearance

초라한 날 먼저 보여줄걸
I should’ve showed you my shabby self first

먼저 말해줘 애매하게 말고
Tell me first, Not ambiguously

좀 더 확실하게
But a bit more clearer

 

바보처럼 난 잘 지내란 그 말
Like a fool, I – Words that said to be well

고마웠다는 말
Words that said thank you

나 어떡해요 아무것도 몰라요
What do I do? I don’t know anything.

어떤 이유도 없이
Without any reason

혼자 걷는 사람들 나와 같을까
Are there people who walk alone like me?

 

오늘은 절대 안기지 않아
Today, I won’t be embraced

네 얼굴만 보고 돌아설게
I’ll turn back after seeing your face

먼저 말해줘 애매하게 말고
Tell me first, not ambiguously

좀 더 확실하게
But a bit more clearer

 

바보처럼 난 잘 지내란 그 말
Like a fool, I – words that said to be well

고마웠다는 말
Words that said thank you

왠지 오늘따라 많이

Today, somehow to me

낯설게만 보여 네가
You look very unfamiliar

 

제발 나 알 수 있게
Please, so you can know me

이해할 수 있게 해줘
Make it so you’ll understand

맞아 사실 나 오늘 너 모르게
That’s right, truthfully, I

지켜만 보다가 오
Watched you today, without you knowing

 

NEED U 난 잘 지내란 그 말
NEED U, words that said to be well

고마웠다는 말
Words that said thank you

나 어떡해요 아무것도 몰라요
What do I do, I don’t know anything

 

이젠 견딜만한데
Now I can withstand

끝인사가 아쉬워
But the last farewell is really disappointing

정말 Goodbye

 

TO BE CONTINUE...