*A/N:  I suggest you listen to this beautiful soundtrack while reading :3

He took a shot from his inhaler and deeply breathed in. Sitting on the concrete wall up the road, Jongin look at his right at the raven boy: a bruise was blooming under his eyes, blue and purple like the petals of an iris. He was even paler than usual, so much he could almost see the trace of veins under his skin, and his eyes were dull, no light reflected inside them.

-Are you feeling better?- he asked, nervously playing with his fingers.

Jongin breathed in one more time, not sure if his voice would come out right and then replied.

-Yeah, it was only a little crisis. Nothing to be worried about-

-Care to tell what happened?-

Kyungsoo was finally looking at him, a tired smile on his lips, and Jongin felt his heart racing again. He had searched for him all those days and now that he was in front of him he didn’t know what to say.

I missed you?

I was waiting for you?

Thank you?

-It really is silly. I…- the rest of his words got stuck into his throat, not wanting to leave his mouth.

What was he going to say? “I panicked because Soojung kissed me”, how ridiculous that sounded?  He could still sense the feeling of her lips lingering on his own, how wrong it all had felt. Tiny black holes had begun devouring his vision and his lungs had started demanding an amount of air he couldn’t give them, but he would have never thought a trivial event like that could trigger a crisis like that.

Again, he felt powerless.

At the end, he started talking, telling from the beginning of the day until he had found him, almost choking right in front of his eyes. Word after words, his feelings and emotions came crashing down like a waterfall: how it all reminded of him about that time he had almost drowned, only ten times worse, how it all was burning and he was sure he had sunk in hell.

He had always been one soft hearted bear, so it was not surprising when tears started rolling down his cheeks, only to be dried by a very soft handkerchief. Kyungsoo had shifted closer to him and was gently patting his face, taking away all of his sadness in the warm cloth.

-I’m sorry, I’m the one who’s crying this time, uh?-

-It’s okay. You just need to get it all out of your system and you’ll feel a thousand times better-

Jongin knew he was right and after a couple of minutes he indeed felt much lighter. His eyes were burning and his throat was aching for some water, but his body had discharged some of the weight that was on his shoulders.

-Thank you.- Jongin whispered –For this and for the necklace. It’s beautiful-

Never in his life he would have thought he’d see Kyungsoo blush.

-It... it was nothing. I just wanted to thank you for that time, just that- he stuttered.

Jongin had to bite back a swear because how could someone look that cute? He just wanted to cup his cheeks like his poodle at home.

-Still, I think it’s really a great gift-

And then they came, the words that he wanted to say since he had saw him that day.

-Why were you crying that time?-

Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes making a grimace with his lips. He didn’t want to tell him, it was obvious, but he needed to know. He desperately needed to.

-I have a story for you today Jongin, will you listen to me?-

-I have one more story for you today Jongin, will you listen to me?-

-I always do-

-There is this boy, he’s the protagonist of our story. He lives up the cliff and he is very sad. His parents told him to always be nice to people but after a certain incident they changed their minds, saying to be polite but distant, that he would eventually get hurt from not keeping himself away. He was okay with this at first, but now he has found a really nice kid he wants to be close to.

He asks his parents but they are afraid and say no, so he starts to get angry. They fight and the only thing he gets is a bruise under his eye and being stuck in his room for a week. It’s for your own good they say, but he doesn’t believe them.

They are scared and he can understand it, he is terrified himself. The world is a cruel place to live in and he is not sure if he is ready to be out there yet, but he wants to try and hang out with this nice kid he has grown so fond of.

So when he sees him at the beach one day he sneaks out and run up to him-

Jongin didn’t even realized how much he was grinning in that moment, his lips curling more and more at his every word. Was that the feeling of having a true friend? If so he wanted more.

-And?-

-And nothing. Here I am, end of the story. I am with you and I feel great, but I know my parents are going to beat me with a pan if they find out so I can’t stay for too long-

And then Kyungsoo decided to give him the most mesmerizing smile Jongin has ever seen, so beautiful he would have believed it if someone had said all the happiness in the world was stored in that perfect smile. His hand moves almost on his own to reach the other one’s, interlacing his finger with his cold and vaguely blue ones.

He felt like Kyungsoo could disappear any minute now, ethereal as the sinking sunlight shaped him, like a painting. Delicate brush defined his skin, his hair, his clothes, his eyes, his smile… it just felt surreal.

They sat like that for some minutes in a comfortable silence Jongin could only drink like water down his aching gullet. What they had was something he didn’t want to put a name on, something he wanted to leave like it was, beautifully unknown. Truth to be told, he hadn’t felt that happy in years, so long ago that that emotion had gone rotting and forgotten in the furthest part of his being. But now… now he felt intoxicatingly happy.

At some point Kyungsoo stood up, leaving his hand and giving him a whispered farewell.

Leaving tiny footprints in the sand, he walks away, socks in his pocket.

He thought he had forgotten. He had wanted to forget, that day, and for a period of time he had succeeded, but that house, that town, just seemed to be mercilessly revealing all the layers of his memories, day after day.

Right after his big asthma attack, he had decided to tell his parents about his uality. It had been in the emergency room that he had decided, when everybody was unsure if he would have ever left the hospital all in one piece.

“If I’m making it out alive, I’ll tell them” that’s what he had vowed to himself.

And there he was, sitting at dinner with both of his parents chatting about the latest candidate for the elections and his dogs barking in the garden. Everything felt so normal, a family eating together in the evening, but deep in his heart he knew everything was about to change. It was a matter of seconds now.

-Mom, dad, there is something I want to tell you-

He remembered how nervous he felt, how hard he was clutching his inhaler in his pocket, fearing another crisis at any moment, how his parents were looking at him curiously, waiting for him to speak again.

-I think… I am. Gay. I am gay-

And then a funny thing happened: time slowed down. Maybe it was only because it was a memory and he wasn’t actually reliving that moment, but that was what it felt like.

Everything was so slow: his mother letting go of her fork, letting it fall in the carpet, her expression changing from surprise to utter confusion and finally disbelief; his dad opening his mouth, still full of half-chewed meat and almost choking trying to say something.

The words they said after he didn’t remember, they weren’t important as he knew they hadn’t been genuine. The only thing he recalled was the immense soreness invading his body. He felt tired, numb, but most of all, betrayed.

In their eyes there was nothing but regret and disappointment, something he never even dreamed about seeing in his parents. He had always looked up to them waiting for them to smile and praise him, to surround him with their warmth and to protect him from the cold outside.

But it didn't happen.

They should have loved him.

Before, then and after, they should have loved him.

In that single crushing moment, Jongin realized they didn’t.

He was alone, alone in a vast cruel world.

Chara-san was looking out of the window, a harmonica in her wrinkled hands and her eyes lost in the past. Jongin knew she was thinking at her husband, so he just placed a hand on her shoulder and sat next to her, like he always did when he was a kid.

-Chara-san, how it is being in love?-

She snapped out of her daze and smiled fondly at him.

-Isn’t it funny? The answer is: I have no idea. I can tell you how it was for me, how it still is, but for you it will be completely different.-

-Tell me anyway. How was being with your husband?-

Jongin knew how much she loved telling stories about him, about them together, so he always asked. He would have given her the moon if she had requested it just to see her happy.

-He was one of my classmates at university that time. The war was still burning down our country and cities upon cities were being bombed every day, but our little town was fortunately spared. Every young man had to go and serve Japan as a soldier in the war but my lovely Haru was a weak hearted, so he was exempted.

We would always have long walks near the river, talking about nothing and everything, about the past and the future. In those moments, I felt complete. He was the handful of air that was always missing in my lungs; for so many years he was my spring and my winter.

We would celebrate the new year together with the little alcohol we could get and the first day of the year dancing in the snow even when out feet were frozen and our fingers were so red we feared they could fall off.

Everything had a new meaning when he was there experiencing it with me, making memories together.-

Jongin was so absorbed in her words he nearly fell of his chair when she finished. Her life surely had been showered with fear and pain, with the horrors of the war and the death of so many close ones, but also with love and undying affection.

-Was it worth it?- he had asked one summer.

-It’s always worth it- she had replied, a fierce smile on her veiny lips.

-He’s still here- she continued, patting her chest –He never left me when he passed away, he is just watching me from a place little higher above. The memories we made together will never die as long as I live, and even then, I will pass them on to you and you’ll carry them as my treasure-

It was a little too much. His heart that was so weak those days couldn’t accept all that love at once, so he just leaned forward and hugged her tightly, feeling her frail hands caressing his head in tiny circles.

-There there, you’re  always too emotional Nini-

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*Wipes sweat* Listening to calm music always brings me in a writing mood but lately I've been pretty out of it for many reason, mostly because of exams and medical controls so we will see when I'll update again. 

(Exact representation of me right now)

I've decided to slowly start revealing some things but I don't want to rush too much because it would ruin the intense ending I've planned.

As always, comments are really appreciated ad they motivate me so much to write ^__^