WARNING: this chapter deals with bullying, mild violence, character death and (possible spoiler)suicide. I tried to write it as best as I could and I hope it won't offend anyone in anyway possible, just know this will be a heavy chapter. 

 

 

 

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

Kyungsoo pursued his lips, brows furrowed in concentration.

“I’ve have no idea”

Chanyeol cackled, throwing his contemporary history book at his friend.

“My teacher loves this quote. It’s Lao Tzu”

The raven boy sighed, picking up the book a placing it in his backpack. Chanyeol was laying on his back, bare feet rocking from left to right in the chilly air while Kyungsoo was tentatively pocking at his lunch. It was one of the good days, one of those where they hadn’t yet heard someone talking behind their backs or a teacher eyeing them suspiciously.

Those were the days there were finally glad to be living, because being together didn’t seem such a terrible evil after all.

“Another one” he said, pocking at his friend’s cheek.

“But you never guess even one right! What do I get out of this?”

“A whole bucket of gratitude and my lunch. It’s dried fish and I’m hating every bite of it”

“Fair enough. Let me think…” Chanyeol pretended to think really hard, placing a hand over his forehead, then brighten up like a firework “If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.”

Kyungsoo didn’t know. It was clear he didn’t, but he just kept silent. With a swift motion, he stood and then got back down, laying on his back beside his friend.

“It’s Herman Hesse. You should read something of his, it’s interesting”

Chanyeol turned his head and gave him a tiny smile. Weak, too weak to be genuine.

“Another one”

“Last one okay?”

“Okay”

“No matter how difficult and hard something is, I will always smile like an idiot”

Kyungsoo snickered. He knew that one. 

“That’s you, you cheeseball”

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Say that again, you ”

A cough, blood swirling down his chin and a laugh. Chanyeol’s body was limping against the hard concrete wall, holding his hurt shoulder with his left hand supporting himself with the other. The three upperclassmen were right in front of him, so close he could feel their cigarette breaths on his face, making the cuts sting even more.

“I said you should stop obsessing over me. We all know you have a crush on me but I, unlike you, have standards”

He shouldn’t have said that, he really shouldn’t have. But what could he do? Swallow his pride and just bow, crashed under their feet and admit that he was worth nothing? He was a human being, born and raised to be proud of himself, but apparently there was a price for him only to pay.

The last thing he saw was their hands curling into fists, too fast to be avoided, smashing on his face, his stomach, his legs. Pain had never been a welcomed companion, but he was in no position to make her go away.

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

The three boys slowly turned to him, fists still raised over their chests. It was with disgust that Kyungsoo realized those in front of him were no longer humans: animals, beasts under the thumb of instincts and nothing more. The voice in his head was screaming for him to run away, as fast as he could, or he would be the second corpse on the floor.

But then he saw two bare feet, harshly bent against the wall, a slender hand, fingers tight around his chest and a chest barely moving. He saw strands of red hair ruffled and glued with sweat and blood on his forehead, two big brown eyes black and swollen.

His saw his best friend beaten up to the ground, and suddenly all went red.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo, you know I love you right?

Ugh Chanyeol. Gross, don’t rub your chin on my head.

But it’s soft! You’re soft. And you love me too, admit it.

Okay, okay, I love you too, happy?

Very. Say, will you love me tomorrow?

Don’t be silly, of course.

And the day after?

Yes.

And the day after that?

If I say forever, will you shut your mouth?

Really? Forever forever?

Forever forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

White ceilings.

White sheets.

White windows.

“You look horrible” croaked Chanyeol, trying to straighten his back against the many layers of pillows.

Kyungsoo looked at him with the only eye not hidden behind a patch: his friend was covered in bruises, cuts that ran inches deep in his skin and he almost couldn’t talk. He had a cracked rib and had to replace the half a liter of blood he had lost, but, after long and agonizing days, he was finally out of the intense care.

Kyungsoo on the other hand had gotten out of it with minor injuries and a violet eye, but he was feeling oddly satisfied.

“Thank you very much, I knew you would notice my new hairstyle”

Chanyeol attempted a smile, but the collar around his neck refrained him from doing so.

“When they told me you went up against them I thought they were going to tell me a story about mighty knight Kyungsoo beating the crap out of those three, not the other way around. If you weren’t hurt, I would have laughed”

“Hey, they were three and twice my size, what did you expect? I tried my best”

“I know you did”

Chanyeol tapped with his fingers on the matters, signing for him to get closer. When Kyungsoo shifted from his chair to the hospital bed, the giant took his hand and held it tightly.

They both knew what was coming and, against everything they had been taught, accepting it wasn’t making things better. It wasn’t a first step; it was the first foot pushed off the cliff.

“I guess we won’t be seeing each other for a long time” Chanyeol said, his voice almost a whisper.

“Yeah”

“But I don’t want to. Remember? Forever forever, it was a promise and I’m still holding onto that.”

Kyungsoo lowered his head, hiding the solitary tear down his cheek.

“Me too. I never take back my words and this will not be the first time. it will get better; we’ll get out of here”

“Do you really think so?”

Chanyeol looked defeated. The cheerful boy who woke up every morning with a smile wasn’t there anymore, he had been replaced with just a really scared kid without a handhold to trust anymore. They had grown too fast, they had been pushed to do so and they both hated it.

Something had to be done. Something, something, something.

“Remember the first words I said to you?”

“Pretty sure they were baby grumbling Soo”

“No, the first very words I said to you were: ‘Hi, my name is Kyungsoo and I can make everything happen. Do you want to be my friend?’. Do you remember?”

“Of course I do. You were wearing that horrible ninja costume and was running around my house throwing plastic shuriken.”

“Well, what I said back then is still true: I’ll make it happen. We’ll get out of here and we’ll be happy. If it has to be just the two of us, so be it”

Those words, the last thing Chanyeol said to him that day Kyungsoo would always remember, because it was the first time he knew there was no going back.

 

 

“Soo, don’t make promises you know you can’t keep”

 

 

 

 

 

 

He couldn’t go out.

He couldn’t stay out of the teacher’s allowed perimeter.

He couldn’t use the phone, the computer or any other electronic device that wasn’t a microwave.

Kyungsoo was a prisoner in his own house.

Chanyeol had been discharged from the hospital but he wasn’t back to school. He wasn’t back anywhere. Lights out in his house at every time, even when he knew there was somebody in, be it his mother or his father. It was like he had simply vanished, torn off from everybody’s mind.

“Chanyeol? Oh, the tall guy? Haven’t seen him”

“Didn’t he transfer?”

“Chan-what?”

Had eighteen years of his life been an illusion? Was his part of the punishment?

He had never disobeyed his parents in his entire life, he had never had to, but in that moment, he took a decision that would have changed his life forever: he sneaked out of his house, taking his cell phone with him and went to the park, in what used to be their secret spot, right under the weeping willow.

It took three excruciatingly long rings, thirty beats of his heart, for someone to answer.

“Hello?”

“Chanyeol?”

The voice on the other side was muffled, tongue slipping on words and mouth too heavy to move. But it was Chanyeol. It was his Chanyeol.

“Chan? It’s me, Kyungsoo”

A pause. Too long, too silent.

“Soo… is it really you?”

“Yes, Chanyeol it’s me. I wanted… I wanted to hear your voice, so much”

“Me too. Where have you been Soo? Are you doing okay?”

“How can I be okay, you idiot? You never leave the house; I don’t even know if you’re alive anymore. I don’t… I can’t keep up with this.”

“Me neither, but I can’t go out. My rib is still broken and I can barely walk without feeling like I can’t breathe. And they talk, I can hear them through the walls and it’s not pretty. Soo, this is hell.”

“God Chanyeol, what can I do?”

“You just wait for me, okay? I’ll come back once I feel better. I promise”

But Kyungsoo knew Chanyeol all too well, he had spent all his life by his side, and he could always tell when he was lying.

“Don’t you dare lie to me Chanyeol. I won’t wait, I’ll come for you.”

“NO! You don’t understand, they…”

“They what Chan?”

“They’ll put me in a program Soo, a rehabilitation program.”

“What are you talking about? You are not an alcoholic, nor a drug addict, what do you have to rehabilitate from?”

“… being different. Not fitting in. Apparently it is something that can be cured”

Kyungsoo almost lost hold of the phone. Was that some kind of nightmare? A sharp shock of pain made him bend in half, ready to throw up, but he swallowed it all and spoke again.

“You are not going. You hear me? You will not go to some crazy program to be brainwashed. You are Chanyeol, you are weird and smart and kind and awesome and… and…” he was starting to stutter, heavy tears rolling down his cheeks as he spurted out his last words “You are perfect, just the way you are now. If they lay just a finger on you I’ll take you away”

“Soo…”

“No Soo, no butts and no I can’t. I won’t let them”

The sobs had become so loud some people had begun staring at him, turning their heads and smiling sympathetically. There he was, human depiction of pain for everybody to see, for everybody to be entertained, to be laughing. And he didn’t care.

“I love you Soo.”

“Damn you”

“I’ll love you forever”

“Screw this”

“Forever forever”

“ you, I love you too”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It came like a summer shower: powerful and unexpected.

It had been months since that phone call and there hadn’t been others. He had tried but no one had answered so he had gradually stopped trying. He felt like a zombie: walking to school, walking back, stare at the ceiling in his room, sleep. Gradually, memories were becoming less clear, fuzzy, distant. he was starting to forget.

It was madness.

Sometimes he found himself talking to the walls, trying to remember the old times when he and Chanyeol were happy and free, kids enamored with life and not caring about the consequences.

But then it came, the day when he walked to school and found a huge murmuring crowd at front gate. He tried to push through, but the closer he walked, the worse his gut feeling got. Something was happening, but he couldn’t see anything of interest; then, a little first year girl pointed up and he saw him: a red cloud, far far in the distance, tiptoeing on the rooftop’s edge.

There was no mistaking it.

Chanyeol was on the roof.

Barefoot.

Beautiful.

Ready to jump.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as he took his first step, his foot bumped into something, something round and white; he leaned and took it between his fingers: it was a medical anesthetic.

And it wasn’t the only one: thousands were scattered all over the floor, like a meadow of daisies.

Chanyeol was now standing in the middle of it, head to the sky and eyes closed, his expression pure and calm, barefoot on the icy floor; Kyungsoo was sure to be in the presence of an angel.

Beautiful as it all was, however, it was also terrifying. Wings were for those leaving.

“Chanyeol?” he tried to whisper, but his voice boomed in the air, fracturing the silence.

The young man slowly opened his eyes and lowered them onto him, his mouth curling into a smile. Kyungsoo felt his heart cracking. Chanyeol was famous for his beautiful smiles full of warmth and happiness, but this one had nothing but pain instilled in it.

“Chanyeol, what are you doing?”

Kyungsoo took another step, raising a hand to his friend, a quiet invitation to come back down with him. He knew exactly what was happening, it had been days since something at the back of his mind had started screaming, but he had silenced it, because it simply hurt too much.

How could he have been so selfish?

Chanyeol was still smiling, but he didn’t move.

The silence was almost unbearable, dense and saturated with all the words that had been left unsaid, with all the memories tossed away, with all the feelings that had had to be suppressed in the void inside their heads. They had survived a quote a day, wise words from even wiser men that encouraged them to keep on living because surely something was awaiting for them, something beautiful and worth everything they had lost, but the path they had chosen was just now showing its true colors.

It was full of thorns.

“Soo” Chanyeol’s voice was mellow in his mouth, almost like treacle “I’m glad you’re here”

He moved forward but his legs were too weak to balance his weight, making him drop onto his knees. Finally, Kyungsoo broke the stillness his feet had fallen into, running up to him and taking him in his arms, embracing his frame tightly.

“I’m sorry” he sobbed in his ear “It shouldn’t have come to this”

Chanyeol abandoned his forehead on his shoulder, hiding in the crook of his neck. The familiar warmth… Kyungsoo prayed it never left.

“No, it was inevitable. I couldn’t let myself become cruel like them, so I stayed quiet, but…” wet circles appeared on Kyungsoo’s shirt, trickling down on his skin “I missed you so much”

Kyungsoo closed his eyes and accepted all his tears, hoping to at least take half of the weight from his shoulders, but there was just so much of it. Every tiny word, every look, every whisper… it all came crashing down on his back, leaving him breathless. If life was the slowly going forward towards the black void, they were born to share the journey together, linked by a red thread only breakable by death, but somehow Chanyeol had found a shortcut.

For the first time, it struck him. The possibility of being left alone by the only human he could have called his soulmate.

And Chanyeol knew.

He knew and yet he wanted to leave.

Because life had degenerated into survival, days dragging on without the possibility of being together, sharing no other memories than the old ones. They weren’t even sure to be living under the same sky anymore.

They weren’t friends. They weren’t brothers. They weren’t lovers. No word could describe the bond they shared, the peace of mind when they were together, the sense of completeness when walking side to side, laughing because there was nothing else they wanted to do.

And now he was leaving.

“I won’t let go of you” he said, clutching Chanyeol so hard his nails were digging red crescents in his flesh.

But he had always been more sturdy than him and easily broke free from his arms, wiping his face with the back of his hands and looking at him from behind a wall of tears.

“They will make you, and the circle will start over its cycle. I’m tired Soo. I’ve never been so tired in my entire life and there’s no escape from it. I keep walking down this dark path but you’re not here with me and I can’t see the exit anymore” his voice was unrecognizable, bent and broken, tired “It’s not your fault, we weren’t made to be born into this world to begin with”

Kyungsoo wished to plug his ears and not hear those words that sounded too much like a farewell, but he couldn’t move. His eyes were full of him and him only, Chanyeol and his opening wings.

“Don’t worry. I won’t feel even a second of it”

A step backwards.

“You can’t”

He felt so powerless, so little in front of the entire universe resting in Chanyeol’s hands. The one he was taking away.

“I love you Soo”

And Kyungsoo understood. When Chanyeol leaned forward and kissed him, he understood: there was nothing romantic in it, there had never been; those were his last words for him to cherish forever, to let him survive the rest of his life without him.

It meant be brave, because I couldn’t. It meant be happy, because I wasn’t.

It meant I love you, forever forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“He just let himself fall.

For a moment I thought he really would have flown away, then I heard the sound of his body when he reached the last floor.

From then onward, I don’t remember anything”

 

Jongin closed his eyes.

When he felt the words drowning, he just let Kyungsoo take his hand and stood in silence as the other spilled his heart on it, screaming and crying as loud as he could, like he should have done a long time ago.

Kyungsoo wanted to wake up the sun, the moon, the stars. He wanted to let the whole sky know he was suffering and it was its fault, he wanted to just let himself collapse, trusting the miracle that was Kim Jongin for him to pick him up after everything was finished.

He wanted to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This was actually the first thing I wrote fot his story, even before chapter one, so I hope it fits with the whole story and it doesn't end up being ridiculous.

Here an adorable Chanyeol because we all need it.

On a more lighthearted note, I wrote all this chapter on the school's library computer and without me noticing it changed all the Chanyeol with Chanel, Kyungsoo with kangaroo and Jongin with Joan. They literally kicked me out because i was laughing too hard.

As always, comment if you liked it and let me know if there's anything wrong or that could be improved ^__^