Guys, this is the end:) Music to listen here: Dream of a gondola

The ceiling was crooked. He could see it, from the cracks on the wall to the light entering from the window, it was crooked. Lying in bed, head melting with the pillow, he looked up for the millionth time that day and sighed. It was not the ceiling to be crooked, it was his body: half onto the bed, half dangling from its edge.

Outside waited a beautiful day, full of possibilities, but of course he didn’t care. How could he? He hadn’t slept; it wasn’t all that uncommon being an insomniac, but that night had been on a whole another level of awfulness: a pain so sharp, so intense it just knocked the air out of him, right where his heart should have been. ‘Should have’ because now he was sure he didn’t have one. For him to be so cruel, so angry and unfair, he couldn’t possibly have something so precious as a heart.

Shattered, that’s how it was. His heart had been shattered.

Mohohan, curled up on the floor right beside his bed, whiskered. Kyungsoo turned his head to his side and shot him a weak smile.

“Do you wanna come up?” he murmured, patting on his belly.

The dog didn’t have to be asked twice and with a swift jump, he was in his arms, cuddling against his right hand.

“Mohohan, I’ve made a mistake”

Left near the door were his shoes, abandoned after what believed was an eternity. He hated wearing shoes, he felt caged, he felt nostalgic and he didn’t like it. However, to keep going out with Jongin he had given in and wore them, many times now, and he was almost growing accustomed to them, but now they laid there, one rolled over, one mashed from his mother stepping on it an hour before. He didn’t want to look at them.

On his nightstand, right in front of the photo of Chanyeol, was the letter. Jongin. Jongin and his cute handwriting and childish drawings of flying ravens. Jongin and the faint traces of tears fallen onto the paper, right where the ink was smeared.

He already missed him so much, but as mad as it would sound, exactly because of this, he couldn’t go back.

Why should one put himself in the place to be given the last blow? He had already suffered so much, he deserved peace and quiet for a lifetime. It was selfish, indeed, but if he wanted to continue living a somewhat serene existence, that was the sacrifice to be made. He didn’t want to be heartbroken again.

Mohohan was now looking at him with his little dark eyes, scrunching up his nose in his direction.

“Don’t look at me like that. I’ve done the right thing” he said “Like this he can go home and be okay and I can be too. I couldn’t bear to let him go without ending things properly, could I? it was for the best of both of us… What do you think?”

The dog didn’t answer.

“I thought so”

From the floor below him, his mother called him for dinner. He didn’t want to get up, he didn’t want to move at all. For the first time in a lifetime, he desperately sought to close his eyes and drift away, sleep and forget, but it wasn’t a luxury he could afford.

At the end, he chose to go eat. His parents tried to talk to him, telling him about what a fantastic day they had had, but the words just didn’t stick in his brain. He didn’t care. He placed his plate on the floor and let Mohohan have the leftovers.

Back in his bed, his ears started ringing. Deafening.

***

“Are you sure this is the right thing to do?”

“We already discussed this matter: he can’t stay here and weight down on you. You are an old lady and he will only get worse; we can’t have two people getting sick just because he now has friends here, he can go visit them after he’s come back home. He’s moving in two days. It is final”

Chara-san looked at Jongin’s mother. She could have been such a beautiful lady if not for the hard expression perennially on her face. Graceful features, slim figure and elegant manner, all thrown out the window with only a grimace of annoyance.

She remembered her mother, the ‘round lady with a smile’ as her husband loved to call her. Times had changed, people too. The only thing left for her was to stay beside Jongin as long as she could and pray.

Nothing else.

***

Jongin looked at his room: in the short time he had stayed there, it had become a cluster of his existence, far more personal than his room baack in the city had been. Book he loved stood on the shelves, his ballet shoes were hanging from the bed’s frame, all worn in, a miscellaneous of souvenirs, seashells and necklaces Kyungsoo had done for him were sprawled all over his desk, together with photographs he had taken, pencils, pens, even an old comb…

Slowly, he put everything into the cardboard boxes he had used when traveling from his home to the town, the same old ones he had thought he would have never had to use until the end of the season. Foolish really. He had really thought he was getting better, that he could run longer, dance better, breathe more.

And now he was going back. Back to the gray chimneys of the city, back to his old boring life, back to his parent’s house he so much detested. But obviously, back to a place where Kyungsoo wasn’t.

Kyunngsoo… just thinking about him made his chest hurt. It had been a week and a half since their last conversation and he still couldn’t quite believe what had happened: they were going so well, young and in love as the song tells, and the moment after they were not together anymore. He hadn’t seen him on the shore, no bare footprints, no signs of nocturne strolls.

He ached for him, the angel with the marvel eyes that had so much snatched him away and made him dream that everything was possible. They had suffered together, shared what they were carrying with one another, and now they were just going to cut ties like that? He would not accept that.

Except, Kyungsoo hadn’t responded to his letter. To his many letters. He had even tried to call at his home but his mother had told him Kyungsoo had requested for him to stay away from him. That night he had cried his heart out.

He still needed an oxygen support to breathe and wasn’t allowed to ‘engage dangerous activities’ as the doctor had said, but he was allowed to say goodbye to that place with one last walk to the beach (he’d had to fight with his parents to obtain that one).

Down the cane thickets path, shoes away and feet on the sand, submerged with its coolness of the evening. Everything felt so mellow, calm under the sunset light. Everything was beautiful: the sun melting in the water, the sea reflection creating a jewel out of light, the little grains of grit glinting and sparkling…

Everything was beautiful, even the stoned young boy in front of him.

Just like the first time, Kyungsoo looked like and angel visiting Earth for just a moment. It was about time for him to go back to Heaven. He was wrapped in a shirt too big, socks in his hand like the old times and dark puffy streaks under his eyes, swollen where the lashes had trapped the tears. Around his legs, a leash was stopping Mohohan from jumping on Jongin as he would have normally done in any other occasion, but that was an exception.

He wanted to ran up to him, hug him so tight he would crush his bones and then pack him up in his suitcase. But he couldn’t. he just stood, awkwardly scratching his feet with one another and darting his eyes from him to the sand below.

“What can I say? He didn’t even respond to my letters, he clearly doeasn’t want to talk to me. Then maybe I should go, maybe I should just turn and go back home. But if…”

“Jongin”

His voice, his beautiful deep voice, ranged loud and clear, interrupting the spiral of his thoughts.

“Jongin” he repeated.

His tongue was frozen. There was so much he wanted to say but nothing came out.

“Are you moving today?” Kyungsoo asked, his voice uncertain.

Jongin quivered.

“Yes, this is the final day”

Final day. Those were some nasty words: it was the drawing of curtains on their little play, the one he like so much. Kyungsoo had been a friend, a marvelous companion, a gentle lover, but most of all, he had been kind. He had always been handled like an object made of glass, But Kyungsoo had taken risks, had made his heart race, had held his hands with a delicacy so rare.

“Well… I guess then we have to say goodbye” the raven boy said, fidgeting on his feet.

Jongin had to do something, anything.

“Do you…” he said, maybe a little bit too loud “Do you want to talk, maybe? I really don’t want to go like this”

Kyungsoo stared at him for a long moment, his gaze hard, and then turned, taking Mohohan of the leash and letting him ran free on the shore. With a low thump, he sat on the sand, crossing his legs and motioning him to do the same.

Jongin doubtfully sat beside him, careful not to be too close nor too far.

Mohohan stopped running after seagulls and decided to nestle against Kyungsoo shins, waiting for the boy to pet his head, ruffling his curly fur.

“It’s a nice day” the raven boy murmured, scratching one of his fluffy ears, not really looking at anything.

“Yes” replied Jongin, almost in a daze “It is. Listen…”

“I know what you want to say. Don’t”

Jongin had promised himself not to get angry, but now the lid was open: he had things to say and he wasn’t going to let him shush him.

“No, now you listen. Last time you just went on and yelled at me about how you were feeling, well now it’s my time. You said you wanted to know everything about me and this is a big part of my life I want to share.

There is nothing I can do about my moving: I have to get better and back home they can treat me so that I can heal. Here I’m just going to weight on my aunt and I can’t do that, she’s been through so much and she’s alone.

Even after all you said to me, it still breaks my heart to leave because I don’t want to imagine my days without you, but this is how things are. I…”

The Big Pause, the one with capital letters.

“I think I’ve fallen in love with you and it’s the first time I’ve felt so light and alive in my life; I don’t want us to fall apart or to get angry at each other so…”

“Jongin”

“So I thought, even if it is selfish and I have no right to ask, that we could wait for each other. We could keep in touch all the same and Skype, we’ll exchange video calls every day or we could….”

“JONGIN!”

The dancer stopped. Kyungsoo was hiding his face between his hands, little wet dots slipping through his fingers onto his trousers and bare skin.

“Don’t, please. I know. I’m sorry”

Jongin blinked, then a luminous smile stretched on his face, so large it could have ripped it in two. With a giggle bubbling in his mouth, he closed the gap between them and let Kyungsoo’s head to rest onto his shoulder.

Everything was going to be alright. They were young, time was going to pass without them even knowing, it was just a waste of energy being that dramatic. They were both going through a tough period, but they were going to come out of it safe and sound. Away with the drama, away with the sadness.

It felt so exhilarating, so liberating.

Soft sorrys spelt from Kyungsoo’s lips but he could feel it too. a laugh was making its way through his system, shaking him from the tip of his toes. Mohohan was looking at them and decided that it was the right moment to start the face of his owners on a happy spree.

That was the final blow: they both fell under the attack of the puppy, laughing their asses out while succumbing under his vicious little tongue.

Life was okay. They were okay.

“I’ll call you as soon as I get home”

Kyungsoo beamed at him, drying up his face with the sleeve of the shirt.

“You better do, or else not even cute drawings will save you this time”

“So you did find them cute, you ! Well, just so you know, I ate all the candies you brought me. Non left for you”

“Oh no you didn’t”

The raven boy rolled over him, elbows casually placed over his chest, and looked at him, stars exploding into his eyes.

“I love you”

And then leaned in for a kiss: on the forehead, on the cheeks, on the tip of the nose… on the lips, molding perfectly with Jongin’s. the dancer lifted up his hand to meet the others fluffy hair, tangling in the dark locks and messing them up in a pretty bird nest.

“I love you too, even if you really look like a raven right now”

***

That evening they did nothing but laugh, kiss, talk about silly things and kiss some more. Their time together was coming to an end, but that didn’t mean that it was also going to be the end of them.

At the end, Jongin loaded his luggage onto his parents’ car, and waved Kyungsoo goodbye with a bone-crushing hug and a kiss that made his mother roll her eyes and his father shout at him to get in the car. Even Kyungsoo’s parents came to say goodbye with Mohohan happily trailing behind the, thanking him for what good he had done to their kid, but frankly Jongin didn’t understand what he could have possibly done to deserve orange and berries marmalade.

“It’s my favorite” had whispered Kyungsoo in his ear, while the puppy was devouring his face with tiny nose kisses “Remember that”

Last but not least, he said goodbye to Chara-san, who was smiling at him though her reading glasses. Even with her seventy years of war and hardships on her shoulder, in that moment Jongin found her absolutely beautiful.

"Call sometimes. this old lady would love to hear you from time to time"

"For sure" he said, hugging her tight. 

And then, with one last kiss from his boyfriend (Oh, how he loved the sound of that word), he was off.

The road back home was bumpy and he found himself crushed between a cardboard box and his plushie luggage, but he didn’t mind. He was going to come back, and then he would see him again.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Here we are guys, this is the end!! There will be an epilogue, don't worry, but this is it. I'm so happy I found the force to write this even in the middle of my maturity exams, but I really wanted to end it before the summer so I could start something new with a fresh mind (I still don't know what I'll do, but it will be a lot more relaxed, I hope). I'm super duper tired, so I'll just stop here. 

Thank you everyone who took their time to read this and let me know what you thought of the story in the comments^__^