Zup Zup, here's your dose of weird music to read to :)

 

“It’s hot”

Chara-san looked up from her book through her glasses and saw a pouting Jongin fanning himself with his hand. That day they hadn’t the air conditioning on and the sun was eating the building alive; he could feel every drop of sweat trickling down his back and drenching his hospital gown in sticky stains.

“I want a fan”

His aunt sighed, dropping her shoulders and smiling. They both knew he couldn’t get one, no artificial air blown directly to him for a long time, but they also knew he wasn’t serious; whining like he normally would have made the atmosphere lighter. Plus, the heavy medicines were starting to kick in that morning. 

“If you stop to think about it, fans are weird: they just move the air that’s already there. It’s like… recycled air. I’d like some fresh oxygen for once. Besides, in hospitals they always get ugly cream ones, or brown, and they are horrendous.”

“Ten days Nini, just ten; then I'll even buy you a pretty blue one, Okay?” replied his aunt, returning to her book. Sunrays were hitting the page making it almost transparent, but she liked reading with a slow pace, word for word.

"Thank you Chara-san" chirped Jongin, disappearing inside his bedcovers. 

The birds were singing outside. It was a pretty tune.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Ah”

His phone buzzed. Jongin jerked to his nightstand and picked up the phone, already smiling like a kid.

 

“HeyJ, how are you feeling today?”

 

Kyungsoo was just the type of person to use good grammar when texting.

 

“im A okay. u?”

Jongin had never been.

 

“I’m fine. Mohohan misses you a lot and

my parents are being creepily

nice to me and I don’t know why”

 

“Mohohan my babyyyy<333

 bout ur parents, may b cause they can see

how sad u are for me and they want to cheer u upJ”

 

“Keke. How do you know I am sad for you?”

 

“cause ur overly and madly in love

wth me, it s obviousssss”

 

“…”

 

“i was joking.”

 

“You were SO not. I know my Jongins”

 

“and i know my soos. i can sense a but

at the end of ur sentence (keke )”

 

“Jongin, are you on painkillers at the moment?”

 

“nooooooooooooooooo what???????”

 

“I’ll consider that a yes”

 

 

“u underestimate my ability to be an

idiot n cute at the same time”

 

“Jongin, you are either drunk or full of painkillers

and they don’t allow alcohol inside the hospital”

 

“well maybe i escaped. u know

nothing bout my double agent life.”

 

“Let me guess, 00Nini at my service?"

"You make me wish I had

the ability to sigh through text”

 

“W A I T!!!!!!!!!

u r running away from my question!!

answer me u peasant”

 

“(I’ll gloss over the peasant thing)

Okay, Okay. I may like you a little bit”

 

“just a little bit? u offend me sir”

 

“That’s how you get me.

Either this or nothing; I’m a one-portion package”

 

“meanie. i love u lots and u just like me”

 

“When you’ll remember how to spell words then we’ll talk”

 

“…”

“double meanie”

 

“See you later, you big baby”

 

“c u. love u lotssssss. bring candies<3”

 

 

Once again, Chara-san looked up from her book, but this time instead of a sulky Jongin, she found a giggling one.

“Nini?”

Jongin turned to face her, still strapped in wires and tubes and with groggy eyes. Even so, he was dazzling.

“Oba-san, I love him so much”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For Kyungsoo they had been a couple of weird days. Not the normal kind of weird expected from having such a hectic life, but an entire new category of unthinkable events that had left him with the desperate need of time to think.

For once, when he had told his parents about Jongin’s condition, they had been exceptionally nice to him. His mother had hugged him tightly and whispered sweet motherly words in his ear until he had calmed down and his father had patted him on the back and they had talked until midnight about how the situation was affecting him.

They had started apologizing out of the blue every so often in the day, sometimes for little things like misplacing the milk bottle, sometimes just to say it, make it loud and clear and real. He had spent so much time hating his parents for the way they had closed their eyes when it had come to Chanyeol that he didn’t know what to do with so much kindness.

Maybe it was because this time it was something they could actually understand: it wasn’t the mystical bond with Chanyeol, it wasn’t something he couldn’t even name; he was in love with Jongin, that wasn’t so difficult to say. Love was something they could etiquette, classify and then keep it there, in the part of our mind that is not scary.

Having their son liking another male wasn’t such a problem after everything that had happened to them as a family, on the contrary, it felt so normal they thought they could finally sigh in relief.

Kyungsoo knew they still couldn’t understand what was now in the past, what had happened had no explanation for them and he wasn’t ready to forgive them yet, but it was a first step. For now, he just wanted a taste of what normal parent's love looked like and so far... 

He wasn't hating it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was on his way to the hospital, big box of candies under his arm, when a slick black race car almost ran him over. It was so fast that in a blink of an eye it had already disappeared, leaving just the faint smell of burnt tires and, oddly enough, strawberry perfume.

At the moment he didn’t make a big fuss out of it. Sure, an expensive car like that in a small town such as theirs was truly something unusual, but it didn’t concern him. The only thought in his mind was going to meet his cute, drunk boyfriend at the hospital and feed him lots of candies until the end of days. But when he found the same car parked outside the hospital and, when he entered, a tornado of doctors and nurses going back and forth the direction of Jongin’s room, he suddenly felt an itch at the base of his neck.

Walking faster and faster, he went down the hallways he had learnt to navigate and found a crowd of people in white coats whispering outside the room as somebody was shouting from the inside. Kyungsoo could hear a woman screaming words he felt more appropriate for a longshoreman, backed up by a male voice he didn’t recognize.

He was petrified. Wasn’t Jongin supposed to be kept in absolute peace and quiet for the next lifetime?

He hadn’t realized he was clutching the candies’ box maybe a little bit too hard, until he heard one dropping on the floor. In that moment, a tall white figure walked past him and parted the crowd of people with a mere nod, headed inside the room. It all went quiet for a minute, then a man dressed in black elegant clothes and a woman in a silk ruby dress came out, charging for the waiting room. She smelled like strawberries. 

No one made a move. No one made a sound.

Kyungsoo walked towards the scene of commotion and timidly peeked inside: the man who apparently was the head doctor was injecting something in Jongin’s IV, touching repeatedly his foreheads to check his temperature. He looked even paler than the day before, with prominent blue lips and a faint map of veins under his skin. It was the exact same replica of his own, but if his were just the ghost of what lived inside him, Jongin was beginning to look like some of those anatomical mannequins.

As the doctor finished his checkup, Kyungsoo decided it was the right time to make his presence be noticed and took a step inside the room, faking a cough. The man turned to face him with a concerned expression.

“Oh, yes. You are his daily visitor I suppose. You can stay here as long as you keep really quiet. This sudden stress was quite a strain for his immune system.” he smiled wearily, eyeing the box in his hands “And no candies today, sorry”

“Thanks doctor” he murmured as the man closed the door and left him finally alone with Jongin.

“Be honest, how do I look?” asked the dancer though his masks. Yup, they were back with the mask. Damn those two visitors.

Kyungsoo took his usual spot on the edge of the bed, a hand reaching for a caress on his cheek.

“I’d say tired, but if you ask me honesty, I must say like a smurf after a rave party”

“Real funny raven boy” Jongin coughed with a hint of a smile.

“I try my best. How are you feeling?”

Jongin bit his lip, as if holding back the words could actually make them disappear, but he gave in with a sigh. He couldn’t start hiding things from Kyungsoo, he was the only one he couldn’t lie to.

“I feel like there is a big rock on my chest, you know?, and its edges are sinking in my skin”

The raven boy grimaced, just thinking about the pain, but he wasn't there to join the gloom train and make him even sadder, he was there to cheer him up. And to understand what had happened, but before he could even ask, Jongin wrapped his fingers around his wrist and pulled him closer. 

"I don't want the other doctors to know, so keep it quiet" he whispered.

Kyungsoo looked at him in the eyes, trying to decipher what was burning beyond those irises. As much as he wanted to ask him, he knew what was the right thing to do.

"Listen Jongin, if you don't feel like talking you-"

"Be quiet and listen. I want you to know, if it isn't you than who...?" his words lost power, but the tension in the air was palpable "If you are willing to listen, I'll tell you. If you don't, then we can talk about something else"

"NO" Kyungsoo realized he had just shouted and immediately covered his mouth with his burning hands. He had just been told to keep quiet damnit "I want to know. I want to know everything about you"

And your life before me.

Jongin's expression immediately softened into a big smile, despite the terribly dry lips and the bloody cuts.

"Okay then, this will be a short story. The two you saw shouting in my room... well, they were my parents"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes in his childhood, Jongin realized the other kids had a different relationship with their parents. they bought them gifts and hugged them when they got good marks at school, they went on holiday to have fun and looked genuinely happy when spending time together. He had never had anything like this, but he hadn't known it was something so unusual.

When at home, they mostly ignored each other, moving through the quiet rooms like ghosts. Jongin ate in his room, watched television alone and spent his evening in the dancing studio. When he got top grades at his school's exams, his mother said a mere "As expected form you" and got on with her reading. He'd had to buy a cake all for himself and blow the candles alone in the garden. On birthdays they exchanged anonymous gifts like notebooks and pens, on holidays they stayed at home.

It wasn't anybody's fault. The Kims had never really wanted a son, but Jongin was born anyway, all with his luggage of going in and out of hospital every other day. Some kids come to the world showered in love, some are just a little bit more unlucky than that, and it wasn't antibody's fault. At least, that's what Jongin had always thought. 

Of course, coming out to them had been the last drop. He could get unnoticed by them anymore, he was there and he was there to be heard.

An they had sent him away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Then why were they here again?"

Jongin finally looked up from his chewed up fingers.

"They say if I keep on getting worse I'll be a burden to Chara-san and that... I should move again to the head hospital"

Kyungsoo shook his head, refusing to compute.

"Head hospital"

"In Seoul"

"In Seoul"

"Yes" the dancer paused, looking at him puzzled "Kyungsoo, are you okay?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now he knew, that was his destiny, wasn't it? What was the difference between I have to go to the doctor and I should move to the head hospital? None, expect the last one hurt a thousand times more because there were already scars where he was placing the knife on. Ugly old scars from the time he had lost everything and new cuts about to open because it was bound to happen again. Happiness had seemed so close, so obtainable, so why? Why now, why again?

"You don't" he gritted.

Jongin kept on quietly looking at him and tried to hold his hand, but the raven boy abruptly stood up and jerked away the tears with fury.

"What...?"

"You don't go. You can't, I won't let you"

Ugly, ugly words he didn't mean, but he said them anyway.

"Soo, it's not about my parents anymore. They came here because they know that staying here will make me a weight to carry for everyone. If I go back I could get better, I could come back here"

"Well, 'could' is not good enough for me Jongin, not anymore. I just have to wait for you, is this what you're saying?"

"No, I'm just-"

"You're just what? I'll tell you, you're just like everybody else: full of promises and love to ask for, but never give. I'm sick of this, all of it"

Wounded, he was wounded. He didn't want to hurt Jongin, he loved him so much he felt like exploding, but if his heart was not strong enough, words would have to be for him. 

And so Kyungsoo, with tears blinding his vision staggered out of the hospital and ran away in the caramelized light of the sunset. All that was left of him, was an untouched box of candies. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Kyungsoo,

You better than anyone should known I'm not the type to give up, not anymore, and especially not you. I'll be moving back home in three days.

Come see me before that and I will try to explain. I don't want to forget you, I could never, so please, please come. 

Forever yours,

Jongin.

PS: I hope the raven drawings I added on the sides will make you decide forth.

 

 

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I know, I know, I had started off so good with the happy chapter and then it turned to angst in 0.1 seconds. It's my curse, I can't write happy characters until the end, but I'm a er for happy endings so don't worry.

I am still submerged in assignments so I still can't write as much as I want to and I really don't have time to edit these chapters so if I have some spare hour I'll do it later. For now just enjoy the pain of angsty bad written characters:)

Don't forget to put your thoughts in the comment so that I can know how you liked it ^__^

(and yes, the raven drawings at the end were very necessary because Kim Jongin is a softie at heart and I love it)