Chapter 6 : My turn to cry

 

 

The tears can't be stopped. They keep rolling down my cheeks. I take another can of beer and drink it all in one gulp. The beer is not even tasty anymore. Hot beer is disgusting. Especially mixed with tears and mucus. However, I am drinking it hoping I will feel better in the process. I want to forget everything and wake up in my body tomorrow. Yet, at the same time, I don't want that dream to end. I feel so blessed to live among the members. I feel so blessed to be in Kyungsoo's body. I am a ing hot man every girl dreams of. I can try to have an with his body to know what it feels like, while I observe his face during . I could see any member if I wanted too. I can touch them. I can sing with a beautiful voice and make Kyungsoo's learn any song I want. I can play the boyfriend and say every line I would dream to hear with his voice. I didn't even dare to dream of anything like this before.

I like them so much. I know it's not right.

DO, your warm voice helped me in cold weather.

Chanyeol, your big smile made me think everything is possible.

Suho, your strength tells me that if you work hard enough, you can make your dreams come true.

Sehun, your concentration during dancing makes me want to support you forever.

Xiumin, you worked so hard on your body to make it as you wished it to be because you were ashamed of yourself. It makes me feel that everyone should be loved as they are.

Chen, your powerful voice helps me to sleep.

Kai, on stage you are a god. I wish I can do the same one day with something I am passionate about.

Baekhyun, the mood maker. Everywhere you go, everyone ends up laughing. You spread happiness like seeds you put around your path. I am rarely in a bad mood since I know you.

Lay, you work hard in everything you start and yet still so humble and thoughtful. You became so successful. All your dreams are coming true. Thanks to you I never lose hope and don't accept any failure without a good fight.

They helped me so much in my daily life. How can I lie to them? Why couldn't I just stay in my own body? They are ing me. And here I am, thanking them by abusing their trust. I am so ty.

I am crying so hard. My head is hurting so much. Isn't alcohol supposed to make people happy? During the party we were all so cheerful, we laughed so much.

I have trouble staying up. My legs aren't in my control anymore. I fall to the floor. It hurts. My drink rolls over and splashes all over the floor. There are some even over my clothes. I am so pathetic. DO had to show me everything a lot of times before I could do it correctly. He looked frustrated because I was so slow and there is so much to learn. I try to get up to repeat some more movement.... then I fall again. My legs aren't moving like I want them to.

I hear some footsteps coming in my direction. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I hide my head between my legs, lying on the floor.

"Oh ! It's just you. I thought it was again a crazy fan breaking in... Wait. Why are you still awake at this hour? That beer over there... you were drinking, weren't you? Oh god, why are you in that condition?" The voice is from Chen. I feel his hand on my shoulder. "Hello ? Soo?" He forces me to sit down. I kept my arms around my head to make sure he won't see my face. I do my best to be silent when crying.

"Are you crying?" I turn my head slightly to the right then to the left. "No...sniff. I am not." I feel very stupid and embarrassed right now. Perhaps he will understand that I, at least, hope he will pretend he didn't understand a thing. Aaaand nope. Next thing i know Chen is taking me in a strong embrace. He uses one of his hands to pat me on the head.

"It's ok." he says in a calming voice. He continues to pat my head really slowly. "Why did you put yourself in that state without telling us what's going on with you? Didn't you learn with Kris and Luhan? If you go on to that extent and wait until you can't take it anymore, don't you think you're going to end up leaving us too? Don't you think we are going to be hurt because we couldn't help you when you were struggling right under our noses? Do you think it will make us happy? It's too late for Tao but we don't want to lose any other members. Didn't you understand the meaning of the lyrics I put in Promise?" Chen stops himself a little then sighs. "I am sorry. You feel so bad already, I didn't mean to blame you."

I live in a big lie I can't escape from. God what am I going to do?

"I feel bad because until now, I thought you were fine and happy."

I was. I was really happy at first. I just realized for real this time that all of this isn't a dream nor a joke. Stop comforting me like that. I am just abusing your trust. Don't you see I am not who I pretend to be? My dearest wish was to give something to you all. Help you even a little. You gave so much to me and to the other fans already. I can see that you are all exhausted. Instead of helping you, I stole something from you. I stole your dearest Kyungsoo and your privacy.

Why didn't I realize sooner that the situation I am in is not to be taken lightly? Why didn't I just THINK? I am not the only one to be affected by the fact that I am not the real DO. There are always consequences. I was so happy that I became blind.

It hurts so much to cry. I want to stop but my body doesn't answer. I am a sea of tears.

Chen's embrace gets stronger and stronger follow the flow of my tears. He's so kind. His arms are so perfect. His warmth and his smell. I can enjoy all of those. He tries to make me feel better but it won't work. When he does that, I feel worse. Chen. You are one of the reasons I am so sad tonight. I betrayed you, you know?

I hear new footsteps coming toward us. I feel Chen turning to the newcomer. When the footsteps are really close to us, Chen starts talking : "Please, can you help me?".

The other person I recognize as Xiumin answers : "What is going on? I've never seen him like that."

"No idea, he hasn't talked at all since I found him. He drank a lot too."

"Manager Hwan knows about this? You tried to call him?" His voice is so calm and reassuring. You really are like a big brother. A really nice big brother.

Chen moved a little. Probably to be more comfortable. "I don't think Kyungsoo wants anyone to know about his situation. He also tried to hide it from me when I found him so I think it's best if we stay the only ones to know about it. I would hate it if anyone contacted the manager without my consent if I were him."

Xiumin takes some time to think. "You have a point. It's more reasonable to tell the manager but we are adults now. We are old enough to know what is the best for ourselves. But Kyungsoo. I'm not going to give you a choice about one thing. You will let us help you."

I feel a new hand on my arm.

"Do you want to use my room?" He is alone in his room. It's true that I don't want to see anyone tonight. Is he going to sleep in my bed...? "Don't worry about me. I am not sleepy anymore. It's probably the same for Jongdae, isn't it?"

"True."

"See? We will use that precious time to catch up on a movie we are craving to watch for a long time now."

Xiumin lifted my body with his arm. DO's body isn't light at all. How did he do that ? Ah. True. I forgot how strong his arms are. Chen threw a towel on my head so none of them could see my crying face then took my other arm. They both make me walk toward Xiumin's room.

I hear Baekhyun talking in his sleep. Probably dreaming he is playing League of Legend. "Don't feed the other team, you really gosh." Yep. I was right.

Both of the boys stop, open a door and sit me on a bed.

"Now try to sleep a little" orders me Xiumin with his brotherlike tone. "But before, you are going to drink all that bottle of water or your head is going to hurt tomorrow."

After drinking the water I fall into a deep sleep. All my body was asking for is to rest. Good night.

It was a dreamless night. I don't really feel like I slept at all but I can't sleep anymore. I feel so stupid to have lost my like that yesterday.

Xiumin and Chen were here too. I suppose they wanted to keep a close eye on me. I really have frightened them a lot. They are both sitting, using the same earphones, in front of Xiumin's computer.

Xiumin saw that I woke up. "You are not going to wake up now. You only slept two hours. Go back to sleep now.That's an order from your elder."

Chen gets up and forces me to lie down again. "Sleep. You need some strength."

I don't know what magic they used but my eyes are act on their own and close. I fall back asleep.

Dreams played in my head. It was like in the old times. In my own body. Watching EXO's last show with friends and commenting on everything happily.

****************

I woke up three hours later. I feel a lot better now. Only Chen is in the room, looking at me with a big smile. Can I fall for this guy any more? "Wanna go on a date with Minseok and me?"

I start to think and open my mouth. "I..". I didn't expect anything like that. How am I supposed to answer?

"Stop talking. Did I make it sound like you had the choice? Go prepare yourself. Now." His smile has a devilish side now.

"Don't we have a schedule tonight?!"

"We will get back in time I promise. Now, go!"

Xiumin's room is next to the bathroom but I don't have anything to change or take a shower... I suppose I have to go back to DO's room and take his clothes.

As if he read my mind, Chen throws me clothes he took with him : "Take my clothes. Unless you prefer yours? I suppose that with your actual face, you don't want to show it to anyone."

My face? What with my face? DO's face is always perfect like all of your faces. How can crying a little do to his perf... Oh gosh. The bathroom's mirror showed me the truth, his face is a ing mess. Like, really. DO's eyes are bloodshot. The satansoo face with that eyes could kill somebody. It's sort of charming in a way... I guess? His face is so pale, I could walk and nobody would see me if the street were covered with snow. I really need to take a shower with hot water. ASAP.

Once I finished I ran into Xiumin's car. Chen is screaming out of excitement : "Welcome to EXO's trip without a manager !".

Xiumin lights up "We should totally make a reality show with that name."

Chen continues : "We are 3 filthy grown men."

Xiumin shook his head in approval.

"We need to..." Chen adds some suspense on purpose. I am really curious now. I really don't know what he will say. Perhaps we will watch ? I don't know if I really want to do this... with them at least.

"Go shopping."

What.

Xiumin starts the car like if we are in a car race.

"Let's go."

To finally drive carefully.

I think their "evil" plan to make me feel better doing childish stuff is working a lot too well.

Chen is searching for some bags. He takes out of it some wigs, sunglasses, hats, hooded jackets. We don't drive long. After 15 minutes we park before a shopping mall. Chen is agitating a wig before my nose. "There's an afro haircut for you." He puts it in my head. "And sunglasses to hide that you cried. Don't thank me."

I start whining "Sunglasses in November, don't you have a better idea?"

Chen replies to me really annoyed "Juste take what we give you, ungrateful brat."

He takes a cap, a mask and pink glasses with hearts.

Xiumin takes the long coat, puts the hoodie on his head and a big scarf.

"Are we really going out like this...?"

Chen is doing an extra confident face. "Oh yeah."

I followed them outside of the car worrying that a fan might recognize us... For nothing because people avoid to watch in our direction, thinking we are crazy or drunk kids who made bad bets.

"It's your birthday and Jongin's birthday soon...". Xiumin begins when he's interrupted by a whinny Chen. "Too soon to think about that. How are we supposed to have fun if you make us go shopping for a birthday present."

Xiumin nods. "Right, you make a point."

Actually, I would have loved to choose a birthday present for a member, especially if I am sure they will receive it.

"Follow me, I am your leader today." Chen adjusts his glasses making it look like as if the expedition was epic. We stop in front of a cap store. "Some of them are really funny. It would totally fit us."

Xiumin found one with EXO on it. "What do you think ? I am so glad I found a cap of my favorite band."

Chen and I explode with laughter.

After that, we stop at a food stand ordering each something different, all eating in the same plate. one of these didn't go well together but it was really fun.

"Let's drink bubble tea to make a certain someone jealous." Chen's shoot.

"I would prefer a coffee but... let's go."

I propose : "After what we did, I don't think there is a problem to order coffee too."

Chen's starts to whine "I will need to pee if I drink too much."

Xiumin talked back "We are here for Soo, not you. Stupid brat."

"Guys. You know what? I feel a lot better thanks to you both. I am really happy to have you by my side."

Xiumin sends a smirk to Chen. "I think we are really good elders, aren't we?"

Chen is ignoring us running toward his bubble tea goal. "Don't be so cheesy, the last one to order has to pay for everyone."

"What a kid... Forget what I said." whispers Xiumin.

I run after Chen. "Thank you for the drink Minseok!"

"Oh no. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WILL PAY."

********************

After work, I asked for a new training to DO. I locked myself in the bathroom once I was sure that everyone was sleeping.

******** is connected.

My face appears on the screen. I don't know if I will ever be used to it.

"Hello."

"Hello."

"What do you want talk me ?"

Google translation still on point. But at least I can understand what he is telling me. Perhaps I should start to learn Korean to understand what he says more easily. One more thing to learn. Good luck myself.

"I don't know if I can continue to do this. I feel like I betray your colleagues all the time. They trust me... I mean you. But I am a stranger who lies to them."

I see my face a little annoyed.

"Why ?" He writes.

"I make them believe that I am you when I am only a fan of EXO. Like the ones who stalk you everywhere. I entered EXO's private life without their consent (only yours)."

He starts to write. Then delete it. Write again. Stop writing. Delete everything. To finally send me this : "You did it on purpose ? Take my body."

I am confused.

"No. You know I didn't."

He smiles.

"So why torture yourself ? No of that is fault you."

I have to learn Korean.

"Both of us do our best to go back to our bodies. But until then you must not be sad. Don't torture yourself."

And I suppose being sad won't help anything to go smoother. Especially when I remember about Chen and Xiumin, I made them lose so much of their precious time because I was lamenting myself over something I couldn't do anything about. I suppose I have to do anything I can to make them feel better instead. That's the only thing I can do with my hands.

"I will try my best so I won't disappoint you."

He texts me back : "I believe in you." Then. "Ready for lessons ?"

I didn't expect that one but I am fully ready.

"Go."