Chapter 5 : Baby don’t cry

I have to speak with D.O. I need to be sure.

If I am not wrong, if he is in my real body, he probably must feel lonely and stressed. He is in another country, perhaps he doesn't know a thing about that country, he can't communicate with his family or his friends because our languages switched. He is completely isolated in a body which is not his own, in a body he doesn't even know. I felt awkward at first but it's like living a dream for me. I knew the members and I liked them very much before. His body is a body everyone would want to have, even as a girl. My body is... just the body of an average human being. I am not even pretty. I think his situation is more like a nightmare that he is trapped in.

How can we communicate efficiently? I thought to myself. Perhaps, if we see each other and are able to draw in real time...? We can write simple things, we could translate it easily and quickly with Google Translate or something similar.... I have to find a computer. Where did D.O. put his computer...? I look everywhere in his room. Under his bed, in the desk we share, in all the drawers...

Kai is still awake, he has his headphones in like he does every night before he sleeps. It's a ritual for him. I can tell he really likes music. I mean, we can never know what to think about our favorite idols. They show us things, and we imagine what we want with that, but we can never know what they think for real. Kai clearly loves dancing with all his might but, I never thought about his affiliation with music. Sometimes I see him writing things. I suppose he writes a little too? He is very secretive about that and does it only when he thinks no one is watching.

"What's going on? You look like you lost something. It's unusual." Kai stared at me half-asleep.

"I forgot where I put my computer..." and I hope you won't find me even weirder. Sometimes I really feel like Kai can see through me. He is so perceptive.

Kai raises an eyebrow. "I will tell you if you promise to stop drinking alcohol. You've totally lost your head. You always put your computer in the same place, in your case, in the wardrobe."

"Oh right. I agree with you, I should stop drinking alcohol."

Now I have to cross my fingers hard. Please, tell me D.O. didn't use a password to open his computer. Please. I push on the power button. I'm really nervous, Kai is still staring at me, and the screen asks me to type my password. . Does he know it like he knew about Kyungsoo's phone?

"Don't tell me you forgot your password too?"

I can't answer, I'm frozen. He will know. He will discover me. . Sorry D.O. I'm not doing my job right.

I think Kai understood my distress because he gets up and silently comes next to me to type in my password. He doesn't try to ask anymore questions.

As he leans over me to type in D.O.'s password, I can smell his scent coming off him. The smell is delicate, it fits him so well. I'm losing myself there, it's like a magic spell. Get yourself together. You have to focus on D.O. He is your top priority right now.

While returning to his bed, he pats my head and says softly "Don't forget rest is a part of our job. I see you sleep later and later lately, and it's not doing you any good." Kai. Stop being so sensitive and so caring about your friends. I can't focus because of you. It's funny like he is more introverted than the others. He likes to be in a calm place, alone with his music. But I think he is lonely even if he doesn't want to admit it to anyone. I want to show him that his fans deeply care for him, I want to hug him and tell him "It's ok, you don't have to try so hard, you can be more yourself and open to people" but it's a really bad idea. Let's forget about him a little and focus on D.O.

What the hell.

What. The. Hell.

Do KyungSoo's wallpaper is... Prince of Tennis. You lose some charisma here. I do remember now he said the anime makes him cry. I think it's a selective memory, I forgot about it until today.

He has Skype on his computer and it's already logged in. Okay, let's add my own account as a contact. Perfect. Now I have to draw on a paper skype interface, write my ID and my password on it. Perfect. Now my computer login. Ok. I take a picture of them and send it to my phone number hoping the real D.O. will understand it. I take the computer, some headphones that I found next to the computer and isolate myself in the bathroom for some privacy. Chanyeol saw me on the way there and murmured a little too loud "Guys I think Kyungsoo is going to fap in the toilets, I hope you don't need to pee!" I ignore him and continue on.

I am now ready to wait for D.O. I'm so nervous. I don't hear the guys anymore, the screen is all that matters to me now.

Thirty minutes later, I am losing hope. I'm starting to think my idea wasn't that good. Perhaps my real phone's battery is out of energy. He doesn't know my PIN and I didn't give it to anybody.

******** is connected.

Oh my god, it's him. It feels so wrong, so weird. I can see my own account connecting. I have to call him. He takes my video call really quickly. It's soooo wrong. It's me. It's really me. I am on a video call with myself. I can feel it's not me though, the way he sits, the way he looks at the screen isn't like me at all. I give him a link to a Korean-English dictionary and send him "hello". I see him... me? searching on the computer, probably looking for a translation. He looks really focused and sends me an answer in Korean. I translate it. The translation is bad but I understand what he wanted to say "Any chance this is reality?". I nod in response. He opens his mouth several times as if he was trying to say something. His eyes are hardly opened, tears are running down his cheeks. If I say anything he won't understand, then I don't know how I can help him feel better. Perhaps...

"Baby don't cry... tonight." I start to sing in a really low voice. Unsure if that's a good idea or not. "After the darkness passes.." My eyes are wet. "Baby don't cry tonight.." I am crying too. I really am the best to help people feel better... "It will become as if it never happened"

"You're not the one who will disappear into foam" D.O. started to sing with me. It's my voice but, it's so different to hear me sing. I didn't know my voice could sound like this. He sings in Korean while I'm singing in English, but it doesn't sound bad at all. "Something you never should've known'' We both continue to sing the song. Smiling progressively to each other with tears continuing to flow down our faces.

All of this continues to feel so unreal but we both have to face reality. This is happening. It's been days. I've enjoyed the situation so much, but the real D.O. was living in a nightmare. I left him all alone for days, ignoring his desperate calls. I was so selfish, only thinking about myself. I had no ally, no landmark.

"Sorry I didn't contact you earlier." I send to him. He is still full of tears when he answers. I translate it "You couldn't have known." He smiles at me to show that he doesn't resent me. He types something else on the keyboard "I am guilty too. Searched your phone to know where I am. I did not know it is so fun to read about EXO-L's talking about us."

I feel my cheeks start to change colors. He is now doing something with my phone. He then bursts into laughter, showing it to me. The text is in Korean but I remember. It was the last time I was in my body. We started to become crazy about Xiumin's abs and we had a big debate about other members' hidden abs. I know this because of the pictures and the smileys that are in it. Even if I don't understand the text, it's sure it's about that and I remember it clearly now. We then started to be all over Do Kyungsoo's heart shaped lips, then everything else about his body. At that moment I was saying squishy Do and Satansoo are all I need to be happy. I don't remember why I said that, but I regret it so much now. I want to dig a grave and hide in it forever. I need to change the subject, I can't handle it anymore.

I ask him if I need to tell anyone what is happening to us. He sent me back the same question and negated it with the shake of his head. I say no too. We both know no one will believe us. I wouldn't believe it if someone tells me. If no one notices us, we could learn how to act like the other. So I should become Do Kyungsoo. He should become myself.

"Need to learn dance and how to sing." It's the top priority for me. D.O. cross my arms... no his arms and closes his eyes and nods. "This will not be easy" then he adds "I am a strict teacher." I take my paper and draw a big sad smiley then put the drawing in front of my face. Even if he is in my body, his laugh is still the same. "Now that I see myself from the outside, I understand why EXO-L's call me Satansoo."

D.O. clears his throat and starts vocalizing and points his finger at me. I repeat what he does. He doesn't let me finish, making a big cross with his arms. He shows it to me again. I fail again. We continued like this until the sun started to rise. He explained my schedule, how I could check it, what I have to study for future movies and series. I showed him what he should study and where he should go to make people think he is me. We exchanged the different passwords we needed for each device and promised to meet like this every 2 days. I need to make progress real quick. After thanking me, he left the call and disconnected.

I feel so alone in the bathroom now. I feel so empty.

I can't hear anything, meaning everyone is sleeping. I'm supposed to wake up in three hours. It's too hard, I have so much to learn. I am so tired already. I knew they all worked a lot but I didn't know it was so much. I want to go back to my life. It's so tiring not being able to be myself. Is it also what they think about their stage personality? Talking to D.O. and working with him exhausted me so much mentally and physically. I go back to the kitchen and drink a few beers to make myself feel better. It will help me, I am sure it will help me.

So why am I crying?