A/N: After the Strong Heart episode, here’s what leads up to this story.

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“Thank you for coming over Noona,” Eli said as he opened the door. “My wife needs to hang out with her friends more.”

“It’s no problem,” I said as I walked in. “I’ve been so busy with this little guy here,” I motioned with my free hand towards my sleeping four month-old son in the car seat I was carrying, “that Nikki Jo and I haven’t spent much time together lately. I also know what it’s like to be the first trimester.”

“It’s good that you’re in the same situation as her. The pregnancy has been really hard on Noona since she has very bad morning sickness; I even think she should see the doctor about it.”

“Is it really that bad?”

Eli had a worried look on his face, and I could really see and sense how much he cared for his wife. “I don’t know. I’m just worried, you know? We haven’t been married long, and we’re both so young! I’m working and overseas all the time too, and we haven’t made our relationship public either! Noona and I aren’t ready for this.” He shut the door, and we headed to the living room.

I understood where he was coming from. I mean, I had some of the same feelings when I became pregnant. Plus he was only twenty-three, and part of me agreed that he wasn’t ready to be a parent because as a Kiss Me, I’d like to think I knew the U-Kiss members in a way and Eli… Well he gave me super hardworking, goofy kid vibes. (Just look at his love of Red Bull.) Sure he was mature, but mature enough to be a father? I wasn’t so certain of that. I was certain, though, that he could and would rise to the occasion with some guidance. He undoubtedly had the desire to do it. I would have to ask Yunho if he could be a hyung to Eli. Gosh knows my husband understood Eli’s situation like I did with Nikki Jo. The only difference being that the younger man’s parents were in the States.

I set the car seat and diaper bag on the coffee table and sat down on the flower print sofa next to Eli. “Yunho and I were sort of the same way with our relationship and having a child. We eloped, and the next thing you know; I have a bun in the oven. It was totally unplanned. We knew how busy Yunho was, and still is, too. He’s definitely not around as much as either of us would like him to be, thus things are hard for us and I feel stressed out a lot of the time, but you know what? We would do it all over again.” I gazed at my baby boy.

“Really? If things are hard, wouldn’t you wish things were different?”

“You should see the way Yunho lights up every time he looks at our son. It simply warms my heart and puts this large smile on my face. Goodness we love this little guy more than we thought was possible. I love being a mom as well.” I turned back to the young man next to me. “That’s not to say I don’t worry about things like being a good mom and how I’m going to teach my son all the things he’s going to need to know. You should have seen me last week. Three days of colic, a.k.a. Youngie crying for no reason, and there was nothing I could do to stop it; my heart hurt and I wanted to pull my hair out. It was crazy. I even ended up calling my stepmom in the middle of the night her time. Despite all that, the good outweighs the bad. Once you hold your son or daughter, you’ll understand. It’s the most incredible thing in the world.

 “So Eli, I will finish by saying: you just need to be there for Nikki Jo as best you can because she really needs your support. Yes she’s your noona, but really we’re all Americans here, and it’s only a two year difference. Totally not a big deal. I think you’ll probably need to act like an oppa towards her now. I mean, it’s not easy to move halfway around the world, get married to a Korean celebrity at that and then become pregnant, and with all the changes that go along with pregnancy, all in less than a year and a half.”

I think Eli was just drinking this all in. He seemed a little bit like he was in shock (I couldn’t blame him), and we were silent for a few minutes. “Thank you for the advice Noona. I really needed to hear it. I love my wife, and I didn’t know what to do to help her. Now I do. I will try my best to be the greatest husband and father I can be.”

“I know you can do it. Hwaiting! You know I’m really glad Yunho called you to set up this get together. He says I need to get out of the apartment more, but it’s a tough thing to do being a new mom and all.”

 “You seem like a great mom me.”

“Oh well thanks. I’m not so sure myself; I feel like there are so many things I could do better.”

“I bet all moms say that. I’ll go see if Noona is ready. I think she’s still in the bedroom.”

“Okay.” I looked around the living room. There was 55 inch Samsung TV mounted on the wall across from the couch, a huge home theater set up below the TV, some vintage lamps, a love seat and a few other chairs, end tables on both sides of the couch, and a big wedding portrait above the couch. I could totally see Nikki Jo’s style all throughout the room. She has such a great sense of style. I was really glad she helped me add some of my own flare to Yunho’s apartment.

My son broke me out of my thoughts when he started to cry. I unbuckled him from his car seat and picked him up, cradling him in my arms. “Shhh. Don’t cry. Shhhh,” I told him. “Mommy’s right here.” He must have woken up, gotten scared at the new surroundings and just wanted to be held. That or he soiled his diaper or was hungry. I knew he couldn’t be hungry because I fed him before we left, so I checked his diaper. Clean as a whistle. “Shhh. It’s okay; I love you. Mommy’s right here.” I gently bounced him in one arm while I pulled out his binky from the diaper bag and put it in his mouth.

“How did you do that?” Eli asked as he walked back into the room.

“Do what?”

“You did like a million things at once.” I was so confused. “You held your son while you moved your arms, grabbed your bag, took something out, put it in his mouth and stopped his crying.”

“Oh that?  I was simply calming Youngie down.”

“It was amazing. I don’t think I could do that ever.”

“It’s become second nature to me now. It’s not like I could do that four months ago.”

“I guess so, and you think you’re not a good mom? Only good moms can do what you just did.”

“It’s not like I did anything special.” If only he saw me on a day-to-day basis… Eli would change his tune fast. “What did Nikki Jo say? Will she be ready to go any time soon?”

“I think she’s just having one of those days. She looks beautiful, but she’s saying her hair looks bad, her face is blotchy and none of her clothes fit. It’s not like she has gained any weight yet. It’s more like she has lost weight.”

“That can happen in the first trimester. Like I said, I do know how she feels. Your body is going through so many changes at once, and it’s easy to feel like every change is big one early on. Would you mind holding my little guy while I go talk to her?”

Eli looked scared and started sputtering. “Wwwhat? I, I, I cccan’t I can’t do that. I, I, I’ve never…”

“Holding a baby is not that hard. You can do it. Easy.” I stood up. “Just sit down in the arm chair next to you and hold out your arms.”

“I, I, I. What if he starts crying again?”

“First of all, don’t panic; second of all, you’ll figure out what to do; and third of all, I’ll only be in the next room. You can holler if you need me, so just sit down and hold out your arms.”

“But I…” I gave him a stern I-know-you-can-do-this look. Eli did as told.

“Here.” I bent down and passed my son over. “Watch his head, and put it in the crook of your arm,” I instructed. “Good. Holding a baby isn’t hard.” Youngie blinked his big eyes at me and started whimpering. I glanced at Eli while I stood upright, and he had a look of panic on his face as he stared at Youngie. “It’s okay,” I said gently to both of them. “It’s okay. Really. Rock him back and forth. Maybe pat his or back a little bit with your right hand. You can do this. Hwaiting!” Holding a baby was the least of all the things that that man should be freaking out about when he was going to be a father himself, and although I knew he wouldn’t like it if he ever found out; I couldn’t help but find it adorably cute. Aw, I’m such a girl. It’s cute, okay? Don’t judge me! Besides, I called U-Kiss my babies (never to their faces) for whatever reason, so seeing one of my babies, with my baby… Just like OMG. It was so sweet and oh my baby Eli. My baby Eli was having a baby. I could just squeal. Ahem. I mean… Right.

“Where is the master bedroom again?” I asked.

“Go down the hall. It’s the second door on the left.”

What state was my friend in? Was it a full freak out, a small freak out or a mild tantrum? I was hoping it was nothing big and that she wasn’t feeling too bad. I think I might have played things up while I was pregnant myself and made it seem like I was feeling worse than I really was. I mean, I’m such a whiner every time I’m sick and gah! I felt horrible during my pregnancy.

I knocked on the bedroom door. “Nikki Jo? Can I come in?”

“Alicia?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“You can come in.”

I walked in and saw my friend sitting on the bed. I sat down next to her and noticed that she had been crying. I put my left arm around her shoulders. “Oh Nikki Jo, what’s wrong?”

“Alicia, I feel horrible, look horrible and none of my clothes fit right anymore.”

“Look at me.” She was still looking at the floor. “Look at me. Now I’ve been pregnant myself, so I’m not going to sugar coat this because I’m sure that’s the last thing you want. Your body’s going through a lot of rapid changes right now in the early stages of pregnancy, and the only people who look great at this point are really, really great at covering up just how awful they feel and look. Unless that is of course they’re one of the uber rare women who have no morning sickness or other symptoms. I personally think they’re lying to themselves. I don’t think there is way to not feel bad. You can do things to lessen how bad you do feel however.”

“Really?”

“Really. I found that pampering myself, not dwelling on how terrible I feel (not that I was good at doing that part because it’s so easy to merely start whining and complaining) or not stressing myself out helps. I’m no expert about any of this mind you, but I did talk to women in my family and read a lot about pregnancy. I just wanted to know the facts and get advice from people whom I love and trust that went through what I was going through. It really helps.”

“How did you deal with not having your side of the family around? We’re so far from them in South Korea! I really want to hug and talk and cry to my mom and aunts.”

“Well, there’s always Skype, if you can find time with the time differences and all. I know you don’t normally have an easy time sleeping, which sadly won’t get any easier as the pregnancy progresses, so I think it’ll be easy for you to find time.” I smiled and giggled hoping that I was lessening some of Nikki Jo’s tension. “Oh and going out and about helps to take your mind off things too. Can your family come and visit during the pregnancy? I know my parents thought it was best to save for a little more extended trip after their grandson was born.”

“Hm… I don’t know. I should ask them about that.”

“Seeing your family as much as you can is a good thing during this time.”

“Thank you so much Dear.” She gave me a big hug. “I am very glad I have someone like you in Korea. You understand what this is like. Eli understands not having your family around and how hard that can be, but it’s just not the same for me as it is for him.”

“I can see that. I was talking to him earlier, and oh bless his heart. I could really see how much he loves you; he just needed some guidance.”

“I love him too. His mom has been here, and Koreans handle pregnancy a little bit differently than we do. Sieomeoni’s (시어머니, mother-in-law) advice has been…a little weird.”

“Oh yeah. I definitely know what you mean. Yunho was talking to his mom for me, and some of the stuff he was coming back with I was all like, ‘You want me to eat what for what reason?’ I’m an adventurous eater, but I found that’s not the case when I’m eating for more than just myself. Now do you want me to help you find something to wear?”

“Sure Dear. That would be helpful.”

I got up and opened the closet. Hm… I think a flowy top wouldn’t make Nikki Jo feel bad about the way she looks. A muted flowery sixties looking top caught my eye, and I pulled it out. “Oooh this would look perfect on you! It is longer and has a great wide elastic band at the bottom making it not too clingy where I think you wouldn’t want it to be.”

“That’s actually one of my favorite shirts!”

“Great minds think alike as they say. Do you have white carpri length gauchos?”

She looked thoughtful for a moment. “I actually think I do somewhere in the bottom of a drawer. That would work really well with that top. Did anyone ever tell you that you have great fashion sense?”

I laughed. “Maybe one or two people. I don’t think I have that great of a fashion sense; I’m simply good at working with the pieces that I’ve had in my wardrobe from like forever ago. Do you have any cute, comfortable flats that would look good with this outfit?”

“I should. My hair though. And my complexion. Ugh!”

“Pony tails work great when you’re having a bad hair day or when you haven’t washed your hair in a few days. Gosh knows I do that all the time, like right now. So do hats.” I laughed. I wonder how many mom tricks I’ll start doing to cover up when I’m not looking my best. Oh you know, tricks for covering up baby puke when you are out and about and whatnot. “I think your face looks fine. I mean, it looks a little different than normal, but you are pregnant and that’s to be expected. You can always wear a little cover up if you really feel you need to; I don’t think you need it. I’ll leave now so you can get changed.”

“What would I do without you?”

“Never leave the apartment and be all depressed?” We both laughed, and I knew it was doing Nikki Jo some good. I’m so glad I could be some help to her. I was the first of the girls from the Strong Heart episode to get married to an idol and have a baby, and that made it really hard for me.

“Ha ha. Probably.”

“I’ll see you in a few, okay?”

“Sure.”

 

 

“How’s my little guy doing?” I asked as I walked back into the living room.

“Uh… I think he just went to the bathroom.”

“Oh yeah?”

“He just scrunched up his face and…” Right then Youngie started crying, the pacifier falling out of his mouth. “Um… You can have him back now.” I could tell Eli was starting to freak out again.

“Let me get the things I need from the diaper bag, and then I’ll let you do the honors.”

“Me?”

I pulled a towel out of the diaper bag to change my son on and put it on the floor in front of the coffee table. “Yes, you. If you’re this freaked out now, what are you going to do once your own child is born?” I also got out a clean diaper, baby wipes and baby powder. “It’s good to have some practice.”

I stood up and took my son from Eli. “Now come over here.” I put Youngie on the towel. ‘”You have to be quick with little boys because they…tend to pee while you change them.” I started unsnapping the pants and onesie.

“They what? You know, I need to be at work now.”

“Work can wait five minutes. You’re going to be okay Eli. Isn’t that right Youngie?” I said in a baby voice. “Uncle Eli’s capable of changing you.” I rubbed Youngie’s belly. “He’ll put you in a nice dry diaper, and you’ll feel all clean and will stop crying, won’t you?” I knew I was playing dirty, but the man needed a push. My crying son was just that push.

“What do I do?” he said resigned to fact that he was going to change a diaper.

“First you need to move the legs of the pants and bottom of the onesie out of the way so you can reach the sticky tabs on the side of the dirty diaper. Then you pull said tabs to open the diaper and look at the mess. Next you lift the legs up, remove the dirty diaper and put a clean one where the old one was. After that you grab a baby wipe and, in a downward motion, wipe the area clean. The second to last step is applying baby powder so they don’t get a rash. Lastly, put the legs down and pull both sticky tabs (one at a time) and stick them to the front side of the diaper.” I moved up near Youngie’s head. “It’s also a good idea to talk to babies while your changing them to try and calm them down. A squirmy crying baby is always harder to change.”

I watched Eli sit down in front of Youngie. “Um… Yo Baby,” Eli said nervously. “You should stop crying now.”

“Eli, at this age, babies are all about tone of voice. Don’t sound like you’re rapping; try using a baby voice. My little guy likes that, don’t you? Yes, you do.”

“You’ll have a clean diaper soon baby, okay?” Oh~ I’m having an internal fangirl moment. I didn’t think Eli could be this cute! “So don’t cry.”

 “What’s going on here?” Nikki Jo asked. “Eli’s… Eli’s… He’s, he’s with a baby. I, I… Um, no. Words. Too. Cute.”

“I know, right? Eli’s learning how to change a diaper. He hasn’t done much yet, but I think he’s doing okay so far.”

“I think I need a moment.” She sat down on the sofa.

“Girl, I was the same way the first time I saw Yunho with a baby in real life. Man is a natural I tell you, a natural. Your appa is just so cute with you. Yes he is. And you love your appa. Oh yes you do.” I gave my son a kiss on the cheek. Eli had the diaper open and luckily there was no poo. That would be a hard mess to clean up the first time.

“What do I do again?”

“You lift the legs up, remove the old diaper and put the clean one underneath. Remember to talk to Youngie. He won’t hurt you.”

“Right. Baby voice. Are you a good boy for your mom? I bet you are.” Okay. This was simply super cute!  Just…Gah! I’m a Kiss Me; you can’t blame me for my reaction. “Um… You look a lot like your dad.” I opened up the clean diaper, gave it to Eli while he lifted Youngie’s legs and removed the old one. I noticed something at that moment.

“Ah!” yelled Eli. Youngie started wailing from the sudden loud noise. “He, he… He peed on me!”

“Oh my poor husband,” said Nikki Jo.

“Eli,” I said sternly. “You are scaring the baby. Calm down. It happens to everyone at least once in their lives when they have to change boys’ diapers.” The guy was still complaining about the baby pee. “Quiet down will you Eli? Shhhh,” I told my son. “It’s okay Little Guy.” I rubbed his tummy and kissed his forehead. “Uncle Eli didn’t mean to scare you, did he?”

“No.”

“Good. Now put the clean diaper under Youngie, grab a baby wipe and wipe his bottom in a downwards motion. Good. The baby powder is open, so all you have to do is sprinkle it where you wiped. Good. Do you recall what to do next?”

“I think so.” And then Eli was finished in no time.

“Besides one little hick up, that wasn’t so bad. Was it?”

“Riiiight,” he said slowly.

“Let me just quite Youngie down, put him in his car seat and pack the diaper bag back up then we can go Nikki Jo.”

“Sounds great Dear. By the way, where are we going?”

I put a burp cloth on my shoulder, picked my son up holding him up by my shoulder and walked around the room bouncing him. “I thought we could go out for lunch at a café nearby and then frozen yogurt.”

“Frozen yogurt?” Nikki Jo said excitedly. I watched as her face lit up.

I giggled. “Do you like it that much? Sh, sh,” I told my son. “You’re okay.”

“That’s an understatement,” Eli said. “She’s been craving frozen yogurt for the past month. Every night it’s, ‘I want this flavor. I want that flavor. I want those flavors.’ And the toppings. Don’t get me started about the toppings. Sardines, peanut butter cups and sour kimchi? Ew.”

“Hey, don’t knock it, till you try it. It was soooo good at the time. Right now though… Doesn’t sound too good.”

“Ah, yes. Odd cravings. I remember those. Eli, is there a frozen yogurt place near the café?”

“Yes, a couple of blocks away actually.”

“Great! The weather’s really nice, so I thought we could walk to the café Nikki Jo. We’ll just need to grab the stroller from my car.”

“Ok Dear. Sounds good. The sooner we leave, the sooner we can have frozen yogurt!”

Eli and I couldn’t help but laugh at Nikki Jo’s cuteness.

 

 

The late March weather was perfect as Nikki Jo and I walked to the café. I could see the sky had the pretty blue shade and few clouds that I loved. The rest of the day was going to be perfect; I could just tell.

“What did you say your son’s name was again?” Nikki Jo asked.

“Hm? Oh, Youngjae. Did I ever tell you the story of how we choose that name?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“It’s just the sweetest! I mean, yeah, it was mostly my idea but still.”

 

~*~*~*~*~

It was two weeks after my five month doctor appointment where Yunho and I found out that we were having a son. I knew he was the slightest bit disappointed because seriously. How many times in interviews did Yunho say he wanted a daughter named Jiyool when asked about his future family? A ton. Don’t get me wrong. He was still ecstatic about having a son though. I think he would go gaga over any child he was having because I think the man was meant to be a father. Just search the internet for pictures and videos of Yunho with kids and you’ll understand exactly what I mean. They’re just… I have no words. I have even less words every time Yunho talked to our unborn baby. It’s just… So super cute and precious!

He even did it once before Nikki Jo and Eli’s wedding. I was gushing over the cute, but at the same time I was a little embarrassed. There were so many people around! Yunho found me sitting in the bride’s room, and well… I think he partly got caught up in how pretty I looked for, in my opinion, the first time since I became pregnant. I told him to stop, but he wasn’t listening. To me, talking to our unborn child should be a private moment but whatever. I know my husband just got caught up in the moment. I couldn’t blame him. I mean, this was our first child, and I understood his excitement, which is why I had spent the last two weeks thinking about and researching names.

I heard the front door open, and I knew Yunho and Changmin were finally home after their photoshoot. What was it for again? High Cut? Men’s Health? If it’s Men’s Health then… Whooh. I just hope it’s like the ones 2PM does. Not that I like thinking of thousands of fangirls drooling over my husband, but yeah~… It would be very nice. Is it just me, or was it getting hot in here? I fanned myself. Yunho with no shirt on being all mmmm with his hair being all messy like after... Hng. What was I thinking about before? Oh yeah. Yunho and Changmin being home. Right, right. Deep breaths. You gotta calm your hormones down. They just got home. It’s no time for y time. Now’s just… I took some deep breaths and thought of Shindong trying to be y. I shook my head and shuddered. That image always stopped feels. Okay. I’m good. I got up from my seat in front of the computer in the work room and went to the hall where I heard the guys talking.

 “Have you had dinner yet?” I asked.

“We had a little something around three,” replied Changmin.

“That was…”I counted the hours. “eight hours ago! There’s stew in the crockpot and bread and butter to eat with it in the kitchen. Do you want me to make you bowls? I know you guys must be tired.”

“Alicia-ah, don’t worry about us,” Yunho said sounding concerned. “Have you had dinner?”

“Of course I have.”

“Good.” He walked over and wrapped his arms around me in a hug. “How are you feeling?”

“My lower back is bothering me a bit, but otherwise I feel fine.”

“It’s late; you should be asleep because you and,” he placed his right hand on my bulge, “he need lots of rest.”

 “I know, but I stayed up because I wanted to talk to you about our son.” I loved saying that. Our son.

“Is something wrong? Do we need to see the doctor? Wait. If you needed to go to Dr. Kwon, you should have gone already. Why would you wait for me?” Oh my husband had the most adorable nervous look on his face.

I giggled. “Nothing’s wrong Peter Pan.” I put my small hand on top of his. “I would have called you and went to a doctor if something was. Calm down. You’re such a worry-wart.”

“I can’t help it. I love you both so much. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to either of you. I feel bad enough being away so often. You know how crazy saesangs and antis can be. What if they do something to you or him?”

“Yunho, look at me. Our son and I are fine and will be fine. Don’t you feel him moving between us? I know I do.”

“Yes.”

“Okay then.” I pulled him to the kitchen where Changmin most likely headed off to. I pushed Yunho into a chair at the kitchen table across from his bandmate. “Nothing has happened to us because we’ve increased security everywhere.”

“She’s right Hyung. We’ve lived here for seven months with Sister-in-law without incident. That has to be an incident free record for us.”

 I went and put stew in a bowl and two pieces of French bread on a plate for my husband.

“I know. I just…”

 “Worry about her and the baby. We know,” said Changmin.

I knew exactly where Yunho was coming from and bet he had his glue incident on his mind ever since we found out I was pregnant. It’s not like I didn’t worry about those same people. I also worried about coming out. We were going to do it after we eloped, but the timing never worked out with Yunho’s schedule, and then… I sighed. And then I became pregnant and coming out became even harder. I placed the bowl and plate in front of Yunho. “Eat up. I know you’re hungry.” I sat down next to him while he just looked at the food. I guess my husband was more worried than I thought. I shouldn’t have been surprised, family was extremely important to Yunho.

“If you don’t want it, I’ll eat it Hyung. It’s delicious! What type of stew is this Sister-in-law?”

“It’s Irish Stew – my stepmom’s recipe. It’s really simple because all you have to do is put the ingredients together, and the crockpot does all the work!” I looked at Yunho. “Now what I wanted to talk to you about Yeobo is baby names. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I have an idea. I’m not sure if you’d like it though. I mean, I know Koreans don’t typically name babies after people, but I was thinking that we could name our son after Jaejoong, Yoochun or Junsu by using a syllable of their name. I know they’re important people to you that you really don’t get to see in person.”

“Wow. That’s…” It seemed Yunho was at a loss for words. I guess I sort of expected that.

“I know. I also thought that the name would send a message to the fans who understand its meaning too. It would be evidence that Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu are still important to you and that you haven’t forgotten about them. I know the lawsuit has caused a rift in Cassiopeia, and anything that could close that a bit is a good thing, right?” I could see my husband’s face lighting up, and I was happy that I was the cause. It was far brighter than any smile I’ve seen from Junsu, far brighter than the look Changmin commonly had when gazing at food.

“Yes. I hate to see Cassiopeia fighting. The five of us split because we had a difference in opinion on the lawsuit matter, but that will never change the fact that Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu will always be our brothers.”

“That’s right!” Changmin added.

Yunho kneeled in front of me and kissed me with so much passion I felt my breath taken away.

“Yunho…”I breathed out in a whisper when the kiss ended. I was feeling hot all over again. Darn hormones.

He looked in my eyes, and despite how nervous I was, I couldn’t look away. “I love you more than you’ll ever know.” AWWW… Just keep cool. I’m pretty sure I had a huge grin plastered on my face and my face was flushed. Heart. Melting. Don’t. Cry.

“I love you too.” I still can’t believe I’m saying that to the Jung Yunho. I hope I didn’t sound as awkward as I felt saying I love you.

“How did you ever come up with that idea?” Yunho sat back in his seat and finished eating.

“I don’t know. It just came to me one day. I figure if we have two more sons, we can name them after the other two. How about we go in age order to keep it simple and start with Jaejoong?”

“Okay. I like the sound of that.”

“You’ll have to help me come up with the other syllable because I still have a hard name telling Korean boy names from girl names. I just don’t seem to get the pattern, if there is one. I think I would like Jae to be second syllable.”

“The first thing that comes to mind is Youngjae,” said Yunho.

I rubbed circles on my belly, looking down. “Do you like that name Baby? Are you a Youngjae? Youngjae. I like the sound of that. Youngjae,” I whispered. “Oh!”

“What? Is something wrong?”

“No.” I laughed. “I think the baby likes the name.”

“Really?” Yunho looked so excited. It was so cute! He was so thrilled when it came to every new thing about the baby. Okay, I admit it. I have an adorable husband.

“Yes. He started moving around a lot when I said the name. Come here and see if you can feel it.”

He leaned over and placed his hands on my belly. “Youngjae? Can you hear me? It’s Appa. Mommy says you like that name. Do you like it?”

I moved his right hand, gripping it tight. “Say something again. He just pressed his hand here while you were talking.”

“Do you like the name Youngjae? That will be your name if you and Mommy like it.”

“Mommy likes Youngjae very much.”

“Tinkerbell, I think I felt something!”

“So did I!” I was so immensely happy at choosing a name. I placed my hands over Yunho’s and squeezed them while gazing lovingly at my husband with tears in my eyes. “Our son’s name is Youngjae.”

~*~*~*~*~

 

“You and Yunho are so adorable.” said Nikki Jo. “Youngjae is such a perfect name.”

“Youngjae thinks so too. Don’t you Baby? As for Yunho and I, I guess so. Aish, I don’t know. I feel awkward around him. He is U-Know Yunho from Dong Bang Shin Ki a.k.a. a huge Korean celebrity known worldwide and someone I only viewed through the internet for years. I mean, he was always so far away. Now he is right here up close and personal. I still feel like I have celebrity shock. You’re lucky you don’t have that.”

“I don’t have it because Eli use to live by me in ia, and you know how I reacted when I found that out. And also the fact that he speaks English made him more real to me, if that makes sense.”

“Yeah that does. I still see Yunho performing fanservice, and I just can’t believe I know the truth about it. You know how so many fans speculate or say they know the truth about fanservice. Why, YunJae fans, who are still going strong despite the split, are going to hate me when they find out Yunho is married to me.”

“Maybe. Who knows? They could all be happy that Yunho is happy.”

“Maybe but I doubt it.”

We had reached the café by now. “What will you have?” I asked.

“I think I’ll have a light sandwich.”

“That would be good for you.”

We walked in and looked at the menu for a few minutes.

“The Garden sounds delicious,” said Nikki Jo. I looked at said sandwich on the menu. It was on toasted sourdough bread with pesto mayo, mixed greens and slices of tomato. It came with a side of sea salt, basil and rosemary potato chips.

“That just looks yummy! I think I’ll go with the Tomato & Mozzarella Panini.” It was fresh mozzarella, roasted and fresh tomatoes, fresh basil and sun-dried tomato pesto on ciabatta bread. If that doesn’t sound delicious, I don’t know what is. “I’m drooling just thinking about it. I’ll pair it with a small side salad.”

“Sounds good. Why don’t you go find a table while I wait for our food Alicia.”

“Okay, will do.”

I found a free, somewhat secluded table near the window in the corner, locked the wheels of the stroller near the table and sat down. I couldn’t help but think about how extremely glad I was that I got out of the house. Seeing and talking to a friend, walking around town, it all felt so good. I missed that. I was finding motherhood so overwhelming, however today was making me feel better about things. “Isn’t that right Youngie? Getting out is good for Mommy.” I leaned over and tickled his belly. Sweet mother of pearl, this little boy and his father were the lights of my life. God, I’m so glad You pushed me to move to Korea. I never thought I would be a mother or wife at 25 or even live in a Korea. I guess I was feeling really blessed. I don’t even think I could even full express how I was feeling right then.

“Alicia,” Nikki Jo set the tray down and sat down, “here’s your food.”

“Thanks. So tell me:  How have you really been doing? I know we talked a little bit before but still. Eli seemed really worried when I talked to him.”

“I don’t want him to worry.”

“I know, but he’ll only make him worry more if you don’t talk to him about things. I know how hard it is to open up, especially since both our relationships were so fast. I’ve been trying real hard to be open myself because I learned that not doing so will do no go well for both people in the relationship.”

“I know you’re right. It’s just hard. Where were we two years ago? I was still living with my parents and only talking to you online. Dating, marriage? I thought about them of course. You know I like to plan weddings, but I had no prospects. I don’t think guys were even taking an interest in me.”

“I was thinking about that right before you came with the food,” I said. “I feel like God has truly blessed us. Don’t you think so? I know He has a plan for everything, and us meeting, marring and having children with Korean idols is a part of that. Sure, the Korean entertainment industry is crazy and the fans are super protective of idols and it might take a while for them to warm up to us, but I believe it will all work out someday.”

“Don’t you worry about the fans, saesangs and antis reactions when they find out about you and Youngjae though? I know I worry about that in regards to Eli, me and,” she touched her still flat belly, “our unborn child.”

“Of course I do. I’m only human. The public not knowing about Yunho and I’s relationship has been hard on me, especially when I was pregnant and now that Youngie is born. I don’t want anyone or anything to harm my son. I mean, you know what anits and saesangs are capable of just as much as I do. Yunho also has to keep up appearances, so he’s not at home as much as I’d like and need him to be. Yet, what can I do about it?”

“You could talk to him and SM about it and come up with a plan to revel everything.”

“I worry about revealing things to boot. I feel like people are going to be super angry that we hid things from them, particularly Cassiopeia and Big East (the Japanese fanclub). My main priority now is keeping my son safe; he’s innocent in all this. We didn’t plan on having him yet and ugh! I’m not sure what to do about revealing things.”

“I don’t know how you or I should reveal things either. The best thing we can do is pray about it Dear.”

“You shouldn’t worry about it as well because stress is bad for the baby. I know it’s not easy to do that, but I know what you’re going through better than anyone else, and I’m here for you if you want or need someone to talk to.”

“Alicia, don’t make me cry!” My friend definitely looked like she was about to cry.

“Girl, you know I’m not trying to.”

She sniffed. “I know.”

“Okay so, how far along are you now?”

“About 9 and a half weeks.”

“I can tell that you’ve lost some weight. Has it been a lot?”

“No, I don’t think so. Dr. Yoo didn’t say anything was off at our last appointment.”

I had a feeling things had changed since then. “And how long ago was that?”

“Three maybe four weeks ago.”

“Oh Honey, that was your first appointment, wasn’t it?” She nodded her head. “Okay, well if you’re throwing up more than a normal pregnant woman should be and losing tons of weight, make sure you let your doctor know right away because it would make the baby not get the nutrients he or she needs, among other things. Have you been feeling very nauseous?”

“Ugh, it feels like all the time.”

“Yeah, it is easy to forget about the times you feel fine. Just think, you’re almost to the first trimester finish line! Only two and a half more weeks, and you’ll be feeling better in no time.”

There was an excited look on her face. “I can’t wait.”

“But then you get to the third trimester, and it brings a whole slew of other things you’ll hate.” I could tell Nikki Jo didn’t like the sound of that one bit. I think I might have been scarring her. I gazed at my son in his stroller. “However you know what? None of the aches, pains or horribleness of pregnancy matter when you think of the wonderful gift of life that you are bringing into the world. As soon as you look at that little, scrunched up, crying face, you will fall more in love than you ever thought possible, and that one singular moment makes everything worth wild, even with all the stress from taking care of a baby and worries we have, husbands so busy we want to tear our hair out, and sleepless nights. Nikki Jo, I know we weren’t expecting to have children this early in our marriages or even be married for that matter, but God has a way of turning our lives upside down in the most magnificent ways. You think I wasn’t terrified of moving to Korea? Heck, I was more than terrified! Still, look at how things have turned out for me. A great husband, a great son and whole bunch of great friends. I couldn’t be happier (when I’m not freaking out).”

She was crying. “You’re right Alicia, and I told you not to make me cry.”

“I’m sorry; it’s just the hormones making you more sensitive.”

“Maybe. I’m so overwhelmed with emotion right now. I need to look at things more positively.” Besides the fact that she was crying, Nikki Jo seemed to be so refreshed now. “I’m going to try to be more open about what’s going on with Eli too. It will do us some good.”

“It will. Trust me.”

I heard Youngjae crying. I thought back over the day’s events, and checked the clocked on my phone. Hm. It had been about two hours since I last fed him. I sighed, picked him up and rubbed soothing circles on his back in an effort to lessen his cries. “Sh, sh. It’s okay. Mommy loves you and knows you are hungry.” Not now. I would have fed him here if we were in America. In conservative Korea though… I wouldn’t dare fed him in public. I could feed him in the bathroom, but that would be uncomfortable.

“Do we need to go Alicia?”

“Yes. Would you mind if we went to your apartment first so I could feed Youngjae before froyo? I would do it here, but well… Conservative Korea and all. Oh, are you even finished eating?”

“Yuppers. I was just going to ask you if you were finished before Youngjae started crying anyway. It’s no problem if we go back to my apartment first. I may have a huge craving for triple chocolate and red bean frozen yogurt with ketchup and green onions, but Youngjae takes priority. I can also grab those toppings while we’re home.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course. What are friends for?”

I smiled big at my best friend in all of South Korea. “Unconditional support and chats like this.” I got a dazzling smile in return.