I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at my suitcase. You didn’t want to forget about me? What was that supposed to mean. I felt uneasy, my stomach hurt. I wasn’t sure what I had expected, but the words you had said made me reassess reality. And reality was that there was no chance for anything “more”.

I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. I was fine, it wasn’t a big deal. Let’s not fall in love.

She’d gone to bed. My eyes kept drifting off to the closed door of my room. Part of me was hoping that she would knock, that we would spend more time together this evening. On the other hand I wasn’t sure if that was what I wanted. To spend more time together. Was that a good idea?

I cared about her. A lot, and I didn’t want her to get hurt and I knew that I couldn’t avoid that if we spend more time together.

I moved around the room. If I went to sleep now, tomorrow would come way too fast and I couldn’t let that happen. I swung my arms around as I walked up and down the room. Before I realised it, I’d started humming. A new song was slowly forming in my mind and I grabbed my phone to make sure I wouldn’t forget this bitter sweet melody.

The sun was shining the next morning and I woke up before you did. It was exciting to know I would be the first person to see you that morning. I pictured your bed hair, your eyes shining bright.

I rummaged through my suitcase until I found the outfit that fit my mood best. I twirled around in the dress so much I started laughing at my own crazy mood. Dizzily I grabbed the door and stumbled into the hallway.

My cheeks burned when I saw you looking at my clumsy exit from the other end of the hallway. You were still in your pyjamas, a towel around your shoulders and your hair wet.

‘Good morning!’ I managed to squeak out, trying not to stare at your… well, at anything. Actually I was looking anywhere but at you.

‘Good morning, you seem like you slept well.’

‘I didn’t.’

‘Oh?’ I started twisting my hair around my finger in a nervous habit. I hadn’t meant to say that, and now I had to give some sort explanation that wasn’t “I couldn’t stop thinking about you”.

‘Nervous about this photo shoot thing, the flight… going home…’ I let my voice trail off and briefly looked at your face.

‘It will be fun,’ you promised.

It was fun. The staff had looked surprised when I walked in with you, but after a few minutes of me sitting in the corner, out of everyone’s way, it looked like I had mostly been forgotten. Which was great, because I was more than happy looking at everything from the distance.

As far as I understood it was going to be a photo shoot with you and a female model. You had disappeared to get dressed and have your make up done, whilst the female model had her pictures taken first. She was super elegant. Her face very expressive, and although I didn’t understand the conversations, I could tell the photographer was very happy as well.

I was so captivated by the female model, I didn’t notice you sneaking up on me.

‘Having fun?’ You knelt down next to me and for the second time that day I simply stared.

‘You look amazing.’ 

‘Sssh!’ You warned, when others glanced at us with slightly annoyed expressions on their faces. But you smiled brightly at me. ‘So you like the suit?’ you asked amused. I nodded enthusiastically.

‘Very chique,’ I whispered. ‘Very cool.’ You chuckled and I suddenly felt really warm.

‘I asked the photographer for some time after the shoot, and he said he would have time for a couple of shots. When the make-up artist is done with the last changes to Ji Hee, she’ll come to get you.’

‘She’ll do my make-up?’

‘Yeah, nothing crazy, it’s just that with these lights you need a bit of make-up to show your features.’ I nodded, but my heart was pounding loudly and I could feel my hands tremble of nerves. You placed your hand on my knee in a reassuring gesture. I stared. I couldn’t help, your eyes were so beautiful and you were so close. The moment was interrupted by someone who called your name. You smiled and nodded at me before turning back around.

The make-up artist came over almost immediately and despite being told not to move, I tried my hardest to stretch my neck as much as possible to catch a glimpse of you. In the bright lights you were shining.

She was blushing when I took her hand and pulled her onto the set in the bright light.

‘So, what kind of pictures do you want?’ asked the photographer.

‘Nothing staged, just some natural shots.’

‘Will do.’

‘What did he say?’ she asked, and her voice seemed to tremble from the nerves. I firmly held her hand, my thumb her skin, trying to make her feel more at ease.

‘I just asked him to take a few natural pictures of us.’

‘So what do I do?’

‘We talk.’ She frowned.

‘Is that okay? Won’t he get annoyed?’ I laughed.

‘Why would he get annoyed?’

‘Well, because it could take forever to take a good picture that way. Shouldn’t we pose like how you did with the model earlier?’

‘Is that what you want?’ She looked adorable when she was embarrassed. I couldn’t help myself and stepped behind her, pulled her close so she leaned into my body and put my arm around her shoulder.

‘What -’

‘Let’s pose,’ I said, but I couldn’t keep a straight face. I couldn’t look cool. I was too happy.

‘Wow, that’s a great picture!’

‘Are you happy?’ 

‘Yes!’ I smiled and so did you. 

‘When I get them later I will send them to you.’ I felt a strong surge of hope fill my chest.

‘You mean you will contact me this time?’ Your expression became pained and I regretted the question instantly. ‘Yes, please send them over. They really are great pictures, thank you.’

‘You’re welcome.’

‘I had a really great time, I’m glad I stayed.’ I felt like I needed to reassure you, and I saw how my words cheered you up. ‘I’ll look forward to the pictures, but I have to go now. I’m not sure how far it is to the airport from here, but I really can’t miss my flight this time.’

‘I’ll take you.’ I wanted to ask you if you were sure. I didn’t want to ask you if you were sure. But before I could decide which one to go with, you’d already taken my hand and pulled me to your car.

At the car park I had made the decision. I couldn’t allow you to come with me any further than this. Not only was I sure someone would recognise you, I also didn’t think I’d be able to leave if I saw you waving goodbye.

You opened the door for me and I took a deep breath as I got out. You hurried to lift my suitcase out of the trunk and as I saw you take a step towards the exit of the car park I grabbed your arm.

‘Listen,’ I started, without looking at you but I couldn’t say anything else. Tears were threating to fall down my face and that’s not what I wanted. Suddenly I stepped closer and hugged you. My cheek pressed against your chest and it only took you a moment before you wrapped your arms around me. Neither of us moved for a very long time. I could hear your steady heart beat, felt your comforting warmth and inhaled the smell that was “you”.

I stepped back.

‘I’m going, don’t follow me, please.’ You didn’t say anything and I walked away. It was fine. I was fine. This wasn’t anything, we weren’t “we” at all. No “us”. Just you. Just me. And I was fine.