It wasn’t like I wanted to die. I wanted to get in serious trouble. With this intention I strolled through the city. I wanted a justified reason to cry. It wasn’t dark yet. Despite my determination, I hadn’t had the courage to wait that long. I wasn’t convinced that was the kind of trouble I wanted to attract. Whilst searching for trouble, I was also looking forward to safely crawling back into my bed afterwards. Waking up the next morning, ready to forget about everything.

I walked through those unfamiliar streets on a day in-between fall and winter. It was just after tea and a variety of scents still lingered in the air. The weather indecisive about making it sunny or rain. I chose where to go based on the people and houses. Looking for space I walked around until my feet started to hurt.

I found a bench and sat down. Somewhere in the background a pop song was playing, unheard by the few people who rushed by. A grey haired man in a suit carried a briefcase and was looking at the time repeatedly. Waiting for someone to pick him up. Two women spoke amicably, whilst pushing forwards a pushcart. On the other side of the street a couple passed by hand in hand.

It took me a while to notice you. The dark sunglasses hid your eyes, a beanie covered your head. I remember thinking it was an odd combination. In a way you were just like the weather that day. Indecisive about making it a good or a bad day. For a moment I think our eyes met. I might have smiled. Embarrassed when you ignored my miserable attempt, I focussed on massaging my legs. But I was drawn to you.

It was hard to say what you were here for. Perhaps you were a little bit like me. Not listening to any music, but observing the world around you. You caught me staring. When you smiled I was too mesmerized to look away. However, the decision to walk over wasn’t made easily. I wasn’t in a confident mood. If anything I was in the middle of running away. Yet I did.

‘Hi.’ I tried my best at smiling again and sat down next to you.

She was pretty in an awkward way. It seemed as if she didn’t quite understand what her body was like. Which places should be accentuated and how. Or maybe she did. Perhaps she just wasn’t comfortable showing herself. I think I saw her before she looked in my direction and smiled. There was a sadness to it. Her eyes seemed so far, far away. Before I could respond she looked away. Of course she did. It wasn’t like we knew each other; she was just being polite.

The next time she looked I did smile.

‘If you’re alone, is it okay to be alone together? It seems more comfortable that way.’

‘Sure.’ You spoke with some sort of foreign accent. I didn’t want to be too nosey though. Instead I decided to be selfish and make our encounter last for as long as I wanted it to. I realised that although I had thought I had been looking for some solitude, in reality I had been desperate for some company of someone not involved in my life.

I knew you weren’t going to answer any of the ordinary questions; “where are you from”, “is it your first time in the city”, “how was your day”. I knew, because I wouldn’t either.

‘Today feels like a chocolate day,’ I muttered. Without missing a beat, you grabbed a chocolate bar from your cardigan. I didn’t recognize the foreign brand, nor the language in which the note on top of it was written. But my eyes lingered on the hearts that peeked through the gaps of your fingers. They didn’t suit you.

I accepted the chocolate. It would have been rude not to, you offered it so casually.

‘You’re not a hearts kind of guy.’ I talk out loud a lot and usually without thinking. You didn’t answer. ‘Not hearts,’ I wondered. You leaned back on the bench, your hands in the pockets of your burgundy cardigan, the zip closed. Underneath simple jeans. No, that was a deception, they were ridiculously expensive. ‘Crosses,’ I nodded at your crossed ankles and smiled. Maybe I had gone crazy, I sighed.

The city wanted us to think it was dark. Lights blinked on as replacements for the stars. I looked up anyway.

She hadn’t noticed the people yet. Two a few, pointing and whispering. Three, four, five a small group; phones in their hands. I knew they would disturb her. She noticed things and I didn’t want her to get involved.

‘Are you running away?’ I asked. Her eyes scared as she looked at me, her body though, leaned closer. I got up and told her to follow. I smiled.

Although you didn’t know the city, I could tell it wasn’t your first time visiting. Your steps had a purpose, you were looking for something. Looking to unveil a secret that we could share. The cold breeze got in between us and I suddenly felt hopeless at the thought of getting lost without you. I held onto your cardigan. For a brief moment you were surprised. I saw myself in your glasses and had to look away. I’d face my reflection tomorrow.

We only crossed streets when the green man waved at us, you were careful to follow the rules. It made you look cool. We wove a path through the unfamiliar neighbourhood until we ended up at the river. There was music and people, on the other side. Here it was quiet. I welcomed the uncomfortableness of the cold air. ‘Wait here.’ You walked backwards, looking at me. I stared. You smiled and pointed at the shop you were going to and held up your hand. You weren’t going to be long.

I shrugged. It was bothering me that I didn’t want to be on my own. I shouldn’t need you. So I turned away from you and focused on the music. The river showing a vague image of the happiness on the other side. The dj played modern songs I didn’t know the words of. People laughed and danced.

I found a wall that looked clean enough to sit on. My feet dangling over the edge towards the water. I was sure it would be cold. I grabbed the edge and leaned away from the water, wishing I could lie down. Sleep was so tempting, but waking up would mean it was a new day and I was starting to hope this one wouldn’t end.

I heard the noise of your footsteps. You carried Italian ice cream. Chocolate and vanilla. I was happy you handed me the vanilla flavoured one. We enjoyed our treat in silence. From the corner of my eyes I saw your fingers move first. Slowly tapping the top of the wall. Shoulders, hips, feet followed. It wasn’t funny but I giggled anyway. You smiled, not denying yourself the pleasure of moving.

Soon you were dancing to the groove of the song. Your ice cream turned into a microphone and softly you sang along. Your voice was mesmerising I loved it instantly.

When you saw me staring you held out your hand. I shook my head and my whole body shivered. ‘No!’ I said when you stopped your dancing, not wanting you to stop. You ped your cardigan and draped it over my shoulders, despite my protests.

‘Wear it and dance with me.’

‘I don’t dance, I’m not very good. I don’t know the song and I can only do ballroom dances… something to do with it being part of my upbringing…’ I rambled, somewhat distracted by the tattoos on your arms. Only then did I notice the smaller drawings on your fingers.

‘You lead,’ you said. I ran out of excuses and it was exciting to hold your hand in mine.

She put her arms through the sleeves first. Good call, it would keep her warm on this cold night. She frowned again, she did it whenever she was thinking about something. And she thought a lot. Her frozen fingers held my left hand up in the air. She put my other hand on her back and lightly rested her left hand on my arm.

She crooked her head slightly, listening to the melody from over the water and counted. She stepped backwards and I followed. It was comfortable to be near her. There was no pressure, there was just her. Her random thoughts and comments.

I heard a familiar tone. It rang through the air and she stopped. Dropped my hands, suddenly uncomfortable with our closeness. I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable, so I controlled the urge to grab her arm.

‘My phone,’ I said, and smiled.

I looked at the name. I couldn’t read it, but a picture had appeared on the screen. I recognised you, even though I had only seen the half of your face that wasn’t hidden behind the glasses. You had kind eyes. The two of you must be close, he had his arms around your shoulders and you smiled. I wanted to look at that expression a little longer, but you held out your hand.

You answered in a different language. I turned away, my hands deep in the pockets of your cardigan. Reality was calling you back, I knew without understanding. It was fine. I repeated the phrase over and over in my head, staring at the river. Wishing I could follow it back to the ocean.

‘Hey.’ I could feel you behind me. Close, careful not to touch me. ‘They’re coming to pick me up. They’ll be here in five.’ I nodded and took the cardigan off. ‘No you can keep it for now.’ When I turned around you had turned your back to me. The sudden distance between us made me sad.

‘Listen,’ I took a breath, encouraging myself to say something, ‘it was good to meet you.’ You looked at me over your shoulder. The carelessness was gone. You were serious, focussed. Wherever you were returning to, wasn’t a world you could fool around in. I understood. ‘If you give me your address, I’ll send you the cardigan. It doesn’t quite fit me anyway.’ You smiled.

‘It’s okay. My house is too far away. But if you give me your phone number, we can meet up again and I’ll take it then.’ I thought about my own phone that was switched off. The one I had vouched never to use again.

‘Sure,’ I answered, and I knew it wasn’t a lie. I wanted to meet up. I typed my number in and you saved it under foreign words. ‘What does that mean?’

‘It’s a secret.’ You laughed, clearly pleased and that made me happy. Happy to be part of your secret.

‘Hey!’ It was the guy from the phone, stepping out a black car. He gave me a suspicious look and waved you over.

‘Gotta go,’ you patted my head. I had to tell you I didn’t want you to leave. But I didn’t want to use those words. I didn’t want to make you feel bad.

‘Next time, sing me another song,’ I shouted after you. You froze and glared at me. My smile, that had been fake anyway, broke apart.

Did she know? Her expression was hurt when she saw my suspicion, but I couldn’t help it. Her words were what I had been avoiding and her ignorance had made her save.

‘Come on,’ Young Bae said. So I left her behind.