What He’ll Never Have

Part Eight: The Plateau 

* * *

Days rolled into weeks and Baekhyun and I drew inexplicably closer. Sometimes it was planned - the product of my hangout/strategy sessions with Sehun and Xiumin - other times it just happened. We were like pieces of a puzzle, falling together. But I didn’t know what exactly we were falling into. 

Our relationship remained hinged between close friends and something alarmingly close to lovers but I found myself unable to make the cross, much to Sehun’s dissatisfaction. I also refused to touch the boy other than our occasional hugs or high-fives. It never seemed appropriate. 

It had become obvious that Baekhyun wanted more, and was waiting for me. 

The difficulty however, was that I had begun to want it too and not just to get back at Chanyeol. Our time in the closet had changed us - me probably more than Baekhyun - and it was a change I feared. I was no longer sure that I could use the boy and certainly didn’t want to, but was completely unable to talk my friends out of it. We were going ahead with the plan, but my indecision was making it take far longer than it should’ve. I didn’t know what to do. 

Baekhyun was a boy.

A beautiful boy that I was somehow growing attached to. His sunshine smiles had become a staple in my everyday diet and I found myself constantly wanting to see them. Perhaps even needing to. 

I crushed the desire, having no idea how else to deal with it or which box to place it in, in my mind. I had always liked girls - wanted girls. I had never glanced twice at a boy before. But Baekhyun was somehow different. Sensual. 

My eyes dipped down to the creamy gap between shirt and pants whenever he raised his arms... my hands itched to run themselves through his hair and make it look even more disorganized than it already did... my whole body heated whenever it was just us and he came too close... 

I was losing my mind. 

Of course the war against Chanyeol continued. Most times I ran, usually now alongside Baekhyun. Other times I fought. Never, did I let myself get cornered by more than two of his guys. I was careful so it was okay.

He seemed to notice my sudden friendship with Baekhyun and that made everything worse. “Oh yeah,” Sehun had speculated. “Chanyeol will definitely flip when we release the video. He’s crazy for Baekhyun.” The video... every time it was mentioned I felt sick. So I tried to not think about it.

School got easier as the weeks passed. I grew more accustomed to people’s eyes on me and my peers got used to me looking... well, hot. There were less whispers now and I appreciated it. Baekhyun sometimes hung out with Sehun, Xiumin and I, and I sometimes hung out with his group of friends: Hyomin, Eun-jung, So-yeon, and Hana. Apparently hot girls love you if you’re gay...Whyyy?... it made absolutely no sense to me but I went along with it anyway. The girls were fun once you got past their constant giggling, gossiping, and squealing - and they liked having me around because I was ‘y’... I still hadn’t figured out how to respond to that one.. 

Everything settled into a rhythm. 

Life plateaued and I found myself incredibly grateful for it.

The longer I put off touching Baekhyun, the longer I would be able to be with him, so I waited, keeping distance though the tug towards him became increasingly difficult to ignore.  

I knew it was only a matter of time.

* * *

What He’ll Never Have

Part Eight Completed.

Subscribe. Comment. Upvote.