What He’ll Never Have

Part Seven: Janitor’s Closet

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On the third day of school Baekhyun came running to me. 

“You have to hide right now!” His dark eyes were set wide in anxiety and determination. I would’ve asked why except that he had already grabbed my hand and was yanking me down the corridor towards the school exit. Also there was only one reason why Baekhyun would act this way. Chanyeol was coming for me, likely with his entire posse in tow. . I picked up the pace, now running alongside the platinum blonde. 

“It’s good to see you again too!” I huffed, tossing a smirk in his direction. Baekhyun grinned at me. This was kind of fun... except that at that moment I heard loud voices yell just around the corner in front of us. ! Baekhyun heard them too, skidding to a stop and quickly spinning around. There was no other way of escape. They were coming both from in front and behind us, caging us in, though both groups still remained out of sight. 

I began calculating how many of them I could take and went to lunge forward. It would be best to try and burst through one group before they were all joined together. With only half of them, perhaps I would stand a chance... except that I had Baekhyun with me and I somehow doubted I could successfully manage to get us both through unscathed. My future suddenly looked rather bleak. 

A harsh tug on my wrist suddenly had my body reeling towards the wall to my left. What the-? I looked up, seeing Baekhyun open a side door - the janitorial closet, I was almost 100% sure - and yank us both in. We tumbled into the darkness, the door closing behind us just in time to hear both groups of Chanyeol’s followers round the corner. 

“Hey what the guys? Where is he!?” 

“Don’t talk to us that way! It was you guys who were supposed to stop him from getting out the door!” 

“We did. He didn’t come through this way.” 

“Yeah? Well then how do you suppose this happened?” 

“I donno. Maybe it was your fault !”

“Excuse me-”

“Guys!” I hugged my knees to my chest, heart pounding, and trying to even out my breath. That was Chanyeol talking. “Shut the up and go find him.” 

“Fine. You go that way, I’ll go this way.” 

“Whatever man. Just make sure he doesn’t slip past you again.” 

“Shut up!” 

My heart was still racing as they left, though an incredible wash of relief hit me. That was close. I glanced to my side where I could feel Baekhyun’s leg pressed against mine in the tiny space, trying to see him in the darkness. It took a minute or two but finally my eyes adjusted enough to make out the same relieved expression on his face that I guessed I also wore.

“That was close,” he whispered, eyes finding mine. I laughed quietly. We were both thinking the same thing. 

“Yeah.” 

The darkness seemed to wrap around us then in an almost cozy sort of way, and I readjusted a mop bucket behind me so that I could sit up a little straighter, crossing my legs and giving Baekhyun more room. “Thank you for saving me,” I spoke. 

“Well I had to return the favor somehow.” His eyes were shimmery with mirth. 

“I’m pretty sure your triple-shot espresso whatever-it-was-called yesterday was enough but I appreciate it anyway. Getting caught between those two groups just now would’ve hurt, a lot.” I winced at the vast understatement. 

He nodded and it became quiet again. 

“So how long do you think we need to stay in here for?” I hedged. 

“I donno. A while probably just to be safe. Those idiots are going to look for you for a long time.” A phone light suddenly lit up from his palm and I watched him check the time. It was four o’clock. School had been over for twenty minutes now. “I’m late for work,” he sighed, drawing up his messages and scrolling through for something.

“Oh. You could go if you want,” I felt a little disappointed but didn’t want to get him in more trouble. “They’re not looking for you.” 

“No it’s fine.” He shook his head, typing something out at an impressive speed. “I’ll just tell my boss an emergency came up and I’ll be a couple hours late. Done.” The phone light went out and chocolate eyes that seemed so much bigger and more captivating in the darkness, returned to me. “So what now?” He was happy. I smiled, feeling that perhaps he was blowing off work just to spend more time with me. “What have we not talked about?” I thought back on our conversation yesterday, held over all three triple-shot espressos I had inhaled. 

“What’s your favorite animal?” 

He smiled contemplatively. “Hmmm... red pandas.” My eyebrows rose and I chuckled, envisioning him staring at them through zoo bars. 

“Why?”

“Because they’re awesome! Why else?” 

“Okay that’s fair,” I laughed. 

“What’s your favorite animal?” 

“Lions.”

“Oh that’s SO cliche!” 

“Heyyy.. don’t mock my preferences,” I fake punched his arm, feigning offense. 

“Okay, okay,” he was giggling. “Whyyy are lions your favorite?” 

I smirked. “Because they’re awesome! Why else?” 

We talked like that for over an hour - asking stupid questions of no real importance and laughing at one another’s answers. It was somehow refreshing. I caught myself leaning forward sometimes, watching his beautiful eyes or lost in the way his hair fell just right around his face. My heartbeat was faster than normal and my hands felt clammy. In moments I had the strangest urge to touch him... to just run a hand through his hair and know if it really was as soft as it looked. 

But I resisted. That would’ve just been weird. 

About ten minutes past the hour mark, my phone buzzed and I remembered for the first time that I was supposed to meet Sehun and Xiumin at a ramen shop close to my house.  Pulling the device from my pocket, I saw that I had missed two texts already.

Sehun: ‘We’re on our way. See yah in 5.’

Sehun: ‘Hey we’re here. Where are you?’

Xiumin: ‘Dude we’re starting to get worried. Text back.’ 

Oops. I felt terrible and quickly began typing.

Me: ‘Hey! Sorry I totally forgot. I’m fine but can’t come now. I’ll explain to you later but right now I’m hiding in a closet with Baekhyun.’ I winced at how that sounded. The response came immediately.

Sehun: ‘Ooohhhhh!!! Look at you go! <3’ 

Xiumin: ‘Should we bring the camera?’

My fingers froze on the screen and I immediately tugged the phone towards myself, glancing up at Baekhyun to see if he had read the convo. He looked back at me, blinked and smiled - entirely unaware. Phewf. He didn’t see it. 

“Sorry. Just give me one second. My friends were worried.” I tried to smile.

“No problem. Take your time.” The guilt twisted deeper in my stomach. He sounded so innocent... If only he knew. I winced, pulling out my phone again and quickly texted back.

Me: ‘No! And don’t text me stuff like that when I’m with him!’

Me: ‘I’ll text you when I’m on my way.’ 

I dropped the phone back into my pant pocket and ignored the next vibrate that came.

“So, who’s turn was it?” I asked.

“Yours.” 

“Okay...” I thought for a moment, trying to come up with a clever question we hadn’t already covered. “Tell me about your last relationship.” Silence enveloped us again, this time is a slightly awkward way. I probably shouldn’t have asked that. 

“Umm.. heh. My last boyfriend...?” Baekhyun trailed off, frowning. . He looked pained.

“Never mind. It was a terrible question.” I offered.

“No it’s okay. I just haven’t thought of him in a while.” For some reason I didn’t like the why he said him... like that one word had so much history attached to it that I would never know. Well, I really wouldn’t. “He was older than me by a few years. A nice guy. I met him at work.” 

“Red Cafe?” 

He nodded. “We dated for about six months before I discovered he had another boyfriend. Apparently they had been together for years and their relationship had begun to get a little rocky. He picked me up so his boyfriend would see that he could be happy with someone else and start treating him better. It worked so he dropped me. I was just the person convenient enough for him to use.” My palms started to itch. 

“I was just the person convenient enough for him to use.”

The phrase played over in my mind, wrapping around the claws of guilt that had begun to dig themselves into my heart. 

“But its okay,” he was saying, as if for some reason trying to cheer me up. “It was last year. I’m over it now and much wiser. I won’t let anyone treat me that poorly again.” He was smiling. 

I couldn’t swallow. 

Baekhyun was never going to forgive me for what I would do to him. 

. 

“You okay?” I looked up at him, catching the concerned look on his face and wishing instead it was anger. Anger directed at me. That way at least I wouldn’t have to feel the guilt - not like this.

“Yeah,” I nodded, voice hoarse.

“We should probably go,” he said, standing up slowly and brushing his pants off. “They’re probably long gone by now and I have to get to work eventually if I want to keep my job.” I followed his lead, forcing a smile onto my face as I pushed achy bones to stand. 

The light burned my eyes when we finally exited the janitorial closet two hours after entering, and my protested the sudden recirculation of blood, but those weren’t the things I regretted most as we left our hiding spot. Mostly, I was going to miss looking at those brown eyes, shimmering in the darkness, full of laughter and focussed only on me. 

We walked back to our lockers together and grabbed our stuff, double-checking that the school really was completely empty. Once in the parking lot, we stood awkwardly for a moment, neither knowing what to say. It had felt easy to talk in the closet with the rest of the world shut out and our lives ignored. Out here Baekhyun felt so much further away. 

“So that was cool,” he said, bashfully scratching the back of his head and looking at the ground. So it was harder for him out here too...

“Yeah,” I agreed. “Thanks again. I hope you don’t get in trouble at work.” 

“Nah, I won’t... but you should give me your cell number just in case so I can yell at you if it happens.” I laughed, tugging my phone from my pocket and exchanging it for his. When we had successfully swapped information, I lingered for a moment longer feeling like I needed to do something other than just walk away. His eyes, peered up at mine from beneath long eyelashes, waiting. 

He wants you to do something Jongdae.

I leaned in, pulling him into a hug and awkwardly holding him for a moment. His skin was warm and soft, radiating towards me through his t-shirt, and a tiny tuff of his hair tickled my ear. Light hands held my back in return. He smelled of good coffee and something sweet I couldn’t quite put my finger on. 

I wanted to linger a bit longer in his warmth but I knew it would raise questions I was not yet prepared to answer so I pulled away. 

“Have a good shift,” I smiled warmly at him, noting the slight sheen over his eyes.

“See you tomorrow.” 

As I walked away from him I knew something had changed during our time in the closet. Somehow, somewhere we had inched far too close to the line separating friends from lovers... and the terrible part was it had just happened. 

I hadn’t even tried to make it happen. 

It was all happening naturally... like a magnetic tug I couldn’t escape. 

I’m in so much , I thought to myself, pulling out my phone and dialing Sehun’s number.

* * *

What He’ll Never Have

Part Seven Completed.

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