What He’ll Never Have

Part Ten: Shattered Resolve 

Jongdae’s POV.

* * *

“Baekhyun?” 

The clock read 11:03pm. My torso and legs were tangled in a clump of sheets and blankets making up Xiumin and I’s temporary bed on Sehun’s floor and my eyes were blurry from sleep as I frantically (and with zero coordination) did my best to escape the cozy pile while turning up the volume on my phone. “Hello?” A grumpy croak filtered up from the sleeping mass of Xiumin when I accidentally stepped on his leg, scooting out of the room as an unfamiliar, female voice answered from Baekhyun’s number. 

“Hello, is this Jongdae?” The person sounded somewhat hesitant. 

“Yes?” I was too tired to come up with any good reason why a woman would call me from Baekhyun’s number in the middle of the night. She sounded older. His mother? “Is Baekhyun okay?” 

“Yes, yes,” the quick response came, and I breathed easier, finding the hall light and flicking it on so I didn’t die or wake up the entire Oh household trying to get down the stairs. “He’s asleep.” 

“Oh.” Nothing was making sense. “Wait. Why did you call me?...Who is this?” 

It sounded like she laughed, whoever she was, “My name Ae-Jeong. I’m an old friend of Baekhyun’s family... Did I wake you up?” 

“Yes.” I couldn’t help the semi-grouchiness of my voice though I was now downstairs and gradually beginning to wake up more. “But that’s okay. What’s-” I was unsure of the proper way to ask my question. 

Why did you call me?

“My apologies for calling you so late Jongdae. I normally wouldn’t but Baekhyun has fallen asleep at my store and I’m unfortunately not well enough to ensure he gets home safely. I’m wondering if you would come get him?” 

My mind swirled, not so much because of her request, but more so because of the reason why I was the first person she called. Did Baekhyun tell her about me? I shook my head, glancing up the stairs and listening for any sounds of stirring. There was nothing but a sleepy house. 

Toeing on my shoes, I felt around the coat hangar for my hoodie, before grabbing the keys to Sehun’s Jeep and carefully stepping out into blisteringly cold air. “I’m on my way. What’s your address?” 

* * *

I shivered for the first four of the twenty minute drive to the ramen shop Ae-Jeong had given me directions to, thankful that I was at least wearing sweatpants and a hoodie for warmth. Finally, Sehun’s crappy old Jeep heater flicked on, and my cold fingers were able to thaw somewhat before I made it there. 

It was the strangest thing, being called on in the middle of the night to help ensure Baekhyun’s safe return to his home, and I couldn’t help wonder why his parents weren’t called, but beneath my questions thrummed a strangely pleased feeling; I was happy I had been called on and no one else. Plus, this way I would get to see where Baekhyun lived, and Baekhyun himself. Why doesn’t she just wake him up? 

The street Ae-Jeong’s ramen shop was located on was entirely empty when I pulled up, parking in front of the shop with light faintly glowing through shut curtains and a sign that read ‘Closed’. I knocked quietly on the door, bobbing up and down on my feet and waiting only a moment in the frigid air before the door swung open, and a large, middle-aged woman with short, black hair and a gentle smile greeted me. 

“Jongdae?” 

I nodded, Who else would it be?... and stepped inside at her invitation. 

The shop was cozy and warm, smelling of traditional Japanese soup and something floral, but I found that I didn’t care much for the details of my surroundings when my eyes landed on Baekhyun - head resting upon folded arms, atop the bar counter, with a small, knitted blanket draped across his shoulders; rosy cheeks, and even puffs of breath pouring from parted lips. 

He looked so... young. 

“Can I make you a cup of tea?” 

I nodded slowly, embarrassment filling me when my attention turned back to the woman to find her watching me. It was awkward being caught staring, and normally I would’ve tried harder not to - it was just that seeing Baekhyun like this, asleep, he suddenly looked so scarily vulnerable and young. Well, he really was young... but why had I never noticed that before? When he was awake he just seemed so confident and capable... like nothing fazed him. He acted more like an adult than a high schooler. 

Seeing him like this... I suddenly felt uncomfortable... his fragility magnifying the weight of my own responsibility... magnifying the ease in which I could break him. 

I swallowed, carefully tip-toeing to a bar stool two down from him, and peaking at his sleeping face once more before I turned back to Ae-Jeong, gratefully accepting the hot mug of tea she passed me. 

“Thank you.” 

She nodded, obviously inspecting me. For what though? I thumbed the rim of my mug, tea too hot to drink just yet. The awkward silence was starting to feel scrutinizing somehow. 

Finally I caved, sighing. “Why did you call me?” There was no harm in asking. 

Ae-Jeong smiled. Apparently she had been waiting for the question, though why she hadn’t just told me I didn’t understand. 

“You go to school with Baekhyun?” I nodded, mildly irritated that she had asked a question of her own instead of answering mine. 

“Yes.” 

“Baekhyun said you two hang out. You seem to be close.” It sounded more like a question than a statement, and I found myself lost wondering how to answer or what she was getting at. 

“Yes?” 

“Do you like him?” I paused, frowning at her. Hey, hey, isn’t that a bit personal? But again, there was no harm in answering and I could tell I wasn’t going to get anywhere with this woman without it. 

I sighed, taking a sip that burned my tongue. “Yes.” 

She nodded, as if the answer was expected. “I can tell.” 

I barely managed to keep the irritation from my voice. “Then why did you ask?” 

“Because,” she was walking around the counter now, coming to sit in the bar stool beside mine, “because I wanted to know if you knew.”

I blinked. “Sorry?” 

“No one would get out of bed and drive thirty minutes in the middle of the night for someone they don’t care about. I can tell that you like him, sincerely. But do you?” It wasn’t harsh, the way she spoke, but the directness caught me off guard and I found myself floundering, heart for some reason racing. 

“I- yes I knew that I liked him,” I frowned, turning from her intense gaze back to the tea in my hands. No, I realized in that moment. No I hadn’t really. I had been too focussed on not letting myself, to realize how much I already did. 

Ae-Jeong nodded, as if knowing the struggle that was going on in my head. “Baekhyun’s a special boy. He’s strong, but he’s also very sensitive.” 

I nodded. It had been obvious from the moment we met. 

“Do you know what today is?” She continued. 

Friday?

I decided sarcasm probably wouldn’t get me very far and thought for a moment, considering her question before finally coming up empty. “No.” 

“Baekhyun’s parents died in a car accident six years ago today. It’s the anniversary of their death.” 

Suddenly it felt as though a large vacuum had been , all the air out of the room, and my eyes swiveled back to the boy asleep against the counter, only a couple feet from where I sat. “He- w- what?” I stammered. 

“He’s an orphan.” My eyes were probably blown wide when I watched the woman sigh tiredly, as if simply saying it had exhausted her. She brushed a hand through her hair. “I tried to take care of him after it happened but he wouldn’t let me. I was sick at the time and much weaker than I am now, and I think he knew that and was trying to protect me even though it was him that needed protecting. The poor boy worked so hard.” She sunk slightly against the counter, eyes now drawn past me and trained on his sleeping form. “Gosh, I’ve never seen anyone as determined as he was then - as he still is. He’s always worked to support himself so he won’t inconvenience anyone else around him.” 

My fingers felt numb, and the room suddenly felt much colder than it had when I first entered the ramen shop. It explained so much. I thought back on the way he always looked a little defiant - independent - like he was telling the world with his face and body posture that he could take care of himself. There was a wall around him. I had felt it, felt it and wanted to push it down, to topple it over and tell him he could lean on me. Trust me. But I couldn’t. 

He couldn’t trust me. I was the only person I didn’t want him to trust. 

A large puff of air blew from my lips and I set the mug down, drawing both hands up and into my hair. “I had no idea.” 

I didn’t need to look at Ae-Jeong to know that she was nodding. “I know. He never tells anyone. Baekhyun’s just like that, he tries to take the whole world on his own shoulders.” 

I nodded. 

“But you-” I turned, catching the way Ae-Jeong hesitated, fingers tightening around each other as if they would make a decision for her, before brown eyes lifted back up to mine. “He really likes you.” 

The lump in my throat refused to go down when I swallowed. 

“I’ve never heard him talk about anyone so much, as he did tonight.” Her eyes were piercing. “He trusts you.” 

Something in me broke. The will to fight it, perhaps. Apparently Ae-Jeong saw it too, as warm, strong fingers pulled my hands from my lap, wrapping around them and squeezing ever so slightly in a comforting way. It reminded me of the way my grandmother used to hold my hands while rocking me and reading me a bedtime story. “It’s okay,” the woman was saying, and I found myself murmuring back a, “Yes,” though I had no clue as to what we were talking about anymore. 

For a moment we stayed like that, before a quiet stirring behind me finally drawing our attention back to Baekhyun as he shifted his head against his arms, still fully asleep. 

“He drank too much tonight. He always sleeps when he’s drunk.” 

A lightbulb went off in my head, and I stifled a laugh. “I should’ve known.” 

“Yes.” Ae-Jeong’s smile was warm. She released my hands and we both simultaneously stood up, stretching sleepy muscles. “Here,” a small piece of paper was tugged from her pocket and placed in my hand, bearing what I assumed was his address. “His apartment is the second one on the top floor.”

I nodded, stuffing it into my hoodie pocket and glancing back at Baekhyun. A strange sort of peace filled me when I looked at him, one that was new and the product of whatever decision I had made a moment ago. Now, how to get you home? 

Carrying him was the best strategy I decided, though it took a couple awkward moments of adjusting and readjusting body parts before he was situated in my arms, bridal style with both arms draped around my neck and face pressed against my chest. I was thankful that the room was dark, as a twinge of heat filled my cheeks at the close proximity. He smelled like cinnamon and good shampoo, breath heavy against my neck. 

Ae-Jeong opened the door for me - both for her ramen shop and Sehun’s Jeep (which I really needed to text him about, later) - watching as I carefully laid Baekhyun back against the passenger seat, fiddling with the seatbelt for an awkwardly long amount of time. When he was finally in and the door was closed, Ae-Jeong pulled me into a warm hug, again reminding me of my grandmother, kissed my cheek and said, “Thank you.” 

I nodded, blushing like a child at her kiss. “Anytime.” 

She waved from the door before disappearing back inside, as the Jeep shuddered to a start, and creaked out of the alleyway towards the address now pressed into my cellphone. Silence felt welcome somehow, unlike the anxiety-filled thoughts that usually crept up on me when I was alone and in the quiet. My eyes drifted back over to Baekhyun’s sleeping figure and I smiled, resisting the urge to brush a strand of hair out of his face. It felt right - being with him, driving him, having him close, just the two of us. 

I’m not going to hurt you. 

Tomorrow I would tell Sehun and Xiumin. I didn’t know how Baekhyun and I were going to sort things out or what we would be, but I knew that I couldn’t use him anymore. Something in me had changed and it felt right. 

Baekhyun’s home was on the other side of town from where Sehun, Xiumin and I lived, and it took longer to get there than it had to the ramen shop, but when we arrived I found that I wished we hadn’t. Just a little longer. 

From the outside, the apartment building looked decent, though a little more on the low-income side of life, with an intimidatingly long stairway up to the second floor where Ae-Jeong had said Baekhyun lived. I gulped, knowing that I couldn’t make it that far up with him in my arms, at least not safely. I was going to have to wake him. 

Well this is going to be interesting. 

I unbuckled myself and him, enjoying the warmth of the car for a moment longer before I forced the door open and my body out into the frigid night air. It was past 1:00am now, and the whole area was silent except for the distant noises of downtown, sleepless Seoul. 

I opened his door, allowing myself to pause and just drink in the sight of him sleeping, gentle puffs of air escaping his mouth. He looks like an angel. It was almost frustrating knowing that people could look like that when they slept. I had seen photos taken by Xiumin and Sehun of my sleeping face and I could honestly say there was nothing pretty about it. I drooled and my limbs sprawled in an entirely undignified manner. But Baekhyun... 

I carefully pushed the strand of hair away from his eyes, allowing my hand to momentarily linger and trail down his face. Here goes nothing. 

“Hey, Baekhyun,” I called quietly, gently shaking his shoulder and hoping to god he wasn’t grouchy like Sehun when woken. “Hey...” 

He stirred, unidentifiable worlds mumbling under his breath, though he remained entirely unconscious. 

“Baekhyun, it’s me,” I tried for a different approach. “It’s Jongdae and I need you to wake up now buddy.” Buddy? My nose crinkled at my own wording and I mentally noted that I was never going to call him that again. It sounded completely wrong. I shook harder. 

“No... sleep,” he whined (and it was flipping adorable) resisting even as his eyes fluttered and cracked open the tiniest bit. 

“I’ll let you sleep, right away. I promise. I just need you to walk up some stairs and then you can go right back to bed.” 

His nose crinkled, a hand rubbing messily at his eyes, before pulling away and revealing dark brown pools, open half mass. I smiled. 

“Hi. You awake?” 

He blinked about three times, eyes glossy but now open and I could tell he was trying to orientate himself, confusion spreading across his face as he gazed at me. “Jongdae?” The alcohol in his system clearly wasn’t helping.

I nodded. He’s still half asleep. “Common. You’re at home. I just need to get you up to your apartment. Think you can walk?” 

He was still clearly confused but a short nod joined his yawn, and I stepped back, allowing space for him to step down. When his legs slowly swung around and dropped from the jeep, landing him shakily on the ground and forcing him to lean against me, hand pressed up against my chest for support, I found myself unable to keep a smile from spreading across my face. Luckily, he seemed too preoccupied with maintaining a vertical position to notice.

“Common.” I wound my arm around his waist, needing the process to move a little faster  so we could get out of the freezing air, and hoisted him towards my body so that half of his weight was on me. His body slotted perfectly against mine, my mind noted, tucking the information safely away for another time. 

“What’re you doing here?” He slurred, sounding more tired than drunk, though the uncoordinated movements, as we began to walk towards the staircase, spoke of the alcohol he had consumed. 

“Ae-Jeong called me.” We made it to the first step and I helped him up, bracing his back with my arm.

“She called you? Why?” 

I smiled. Why indeed?- but shushed him, making him focus on the task of getting up the stairs. He obeyed and we made it the rest of the way up in about five minutes, both our hands freezing by the time I had him standing in front of his apartment door, fumbling with a set of keys and leaning heavily against me. 

“Stupid-” he mumbled, frustration evident as he wrestled to find the right key.

“Here,” I reached around him, gently pulling them from his hands, and tested a couple before the lock clicked and the door slid open on my third key. 

The room was completely black, but the light switch was easily located on the wall directly inside the door next to a hook that I hung his keys on. Light flickered and then flooded into the room, eliciting a small groan of displeasure from beside me as Baekhyun blinked his eyes. 

“There, you’re home.” I spoke softly, pushing him gently into the room so I could close the door behind us and shut out the cold air. 

It was a tiny apartment and sparse with almost no decor or furniture, though the building itself was in pretty good condition. I winced at the overarching lack of ‘lived-in-ness’ the place exuded. Does Baekhyun spend any time here? 

The boy was standing beside me, swaying slightly with eyes barely cracked open, and I could tell he was seconds from falling asleep right where he was standing. “Common Baekhyun, take off your shoes and show me where your room is.” I needed to make sure he actually made it to his bed before passing out again. He nodded obediently, too tired to do anything else, and began toeing off black boots. 

If there was one thing that was for certain, it was that you would never know from the way Baekhyun dressed that he was taking care of himself and generally poor. His clothes were all the latest trends, and much nicer than my own. It appeared that any money he would’ve had to put towards home decor went instead towards his wardrobe. I frowned slightly, taking off my own shoes and letting him brace against me again as he began shuffling towards a closed door I assumed was his bedroom. 

Enough light poured into his room from the entrance way that I didn’t have to flick on another light. My eyes scanned, inspecting the queen-sized bed in the middle of the room with a small table bearing a lamp next to it. His room was shockingly tidy for a boy’s, and I couldn’t help but think that Sehun would flip if he knew that yet another boy had made it on the list of people with tidier rooms than he (which was incredibly easy to do considering his room looked like a monsoon had smashed through the entire place, tossing all of his belongings into random piles). 

So this is Baekhyun’s room. I couldn’t help the strange rush that filled my chest at being let into this private part of Baekhyun’s life that I guessed few were ever allowed into. His bedspread was black with white pillows and it somehow suited him - both elegant and simple. 

We made it to his bed, Baekhyun stopping beside it and staring at the pillows, as if trying to decide something important in his half-unconscious state. 

“Can I help you with something?” I hedged, wondering if the question sounded strange. I felt nervous with the close proximity to him and a bed... He continued to stare silently. 

Finally I sighed, pulling back his duvet before gently turning him around and pushing so that he sat, upper-body still swaying slightly. “Do you want your shirt on?” I asked, biting my lip at how entirely wrong that sounded - I felt erted though I honestly was just trying to help him. He shook his head, eyes glazed past me at nothing in particular. “Okay, here- lift your arms.” He obeyed and for a moment I felt like I was with my little brother, the way he used to get me to help tuck him into bed when we were little... though the moment only lasted for a second before creamy skin was unveiled, inch by inch as the shirt was removed. That was not the body of a child.

I gulped, taking him in. Holy . 

My mind went blank as I drank in the perfectly sculpted abs and thin torso. I unconsciously whetted my suddenly very dry lips. How was this boy seriously SO PERFECT?! I caught myself, dragging my eyes away and back to his. My blood went stark cold when I saw large, doe eyes that were suddenly far too alert, trained directly at me and studying my face. 

“I- sorry. I-” I stammered, feeling the burn crawl up my cheeks. 

“Why are you here Jongdae?” He was still incredibly sleepy but suddenly much less so, a slight slur telling that he wasn’t at all sober.

My mind reeled. Why was I here again? “Ae-Jeong, your friend called me. I thought you were asleep, I’m-” 

“Shhh.” A finger touched my lips, halting my stammered response, and sending a little jolt of electricity down my spine. “I’m not mad. I’m happy you came.” His voice was genuine, whispered. The finger trailed down my chin, leaving a line of goosebumps in its wake as it slid down my throat, fingers stopping to loosely grip the top of my shirt. I found my breath coming out in near gasps, trapped as his eyes - still glazed and sleepy - flicked down to my lips. There was a touch of something else in them now and it sent fire crawling down my stomach. Lust. 

“Kiss me.” 

My heart stalled, my chest feeling the light tug of his fingers against my shirt, pulling me towards himself. He had said it like a question - a request - one that I desperately wanted to fill, eyes shooting down to perfect, pink lips, but I found myself resisting, barely holding my ground against the magnetizing pull towards him. My brain was frozen. 

Kiss me. 

This was it. This was the moment Sehun, Xiumin and I had prepared for - endured four long months of shopping sprees, diets, and sweat-sessions for. This was victory. Something clicked in me. 

I don’t want to hurt him. 

When my hand slid up his arm to still his fingers he shuddered, and it made it that much more difficult to refuse him. “I can’t,” I found myself whispering, able to hear the pain in my own voice as it practically croaked. His eyes darted from my lips back up to my eyes, confusion spreading across them slightly. He clearly hadn’t expected that response. Pain thrummed in my chest, even as heat continued to pool in my groin. It made everything so difficult. “I can’t Baekhyun. Not like this. Not when you’re drunk.” 

The confusion turned to hurt, and his eyes dropped in shame, hand drawing back from mine to rest limply in his lap. “Oh. I see.” His voice was small, wavering. “You don’t want me like that.” 

No! 

“No!” I found myself saying, angry with myself that I had made him think that, and desperate to somehow show him otherwise. I pushed gently, fingers spread firmly across the center of his chest, my other hand fitting around his jaw to behind his ear as he went down, back pressed against the mattress. His eyes were wide, staring openly at mine as I leaned over him, mere inches from his face and barely stopping myself from those perfect lips between my own. “I want you,” my voice sounded rough as I searched for the right words. “I want you- like that. Just not now.” My thumb had started tracing his bottom lip without my permission. “I can’t take advantage of you while you’re like this. I want you to decide you want that when you’re thinking straight - when I know that you actually do.” 

His lips spread beneath my thumb, hot air distracting my train of thought when a hand wound its way behind my neck, fingers running up through my hair and pulling me down towards him again. “I know I want it.” He was saying, eyes large and dark, laced with the want his lips were relaying. “I’ve known for seven years that I want you.” 

My heart stuttering to a halt at his words, brain freezing in its train of thought as I barely managed to stop myself from kissing him. “Wh- what?” My palms dropped to the bed on either side of him so I could leverage myself fully up to brace against the hand on my neck that continued to try and pull me down. “What did you say?” 

His eyes were intense even beneath the sheen of alcohol, “I’ve always liked you, since then.” 

Then? My mind raced, scrambling from the lust fog to try and make sense of what he was saying. “What then?” I asked, racing through my memories for what he could possibly be talking about. I had joined our school four years ago and had never really looked at Baekhyun, much less spoken to him until three weeks ago. There was absolutely no way we had known each other for longer. Seven years? 

“You came to my house,” he murmured, blinking in what looked like an attempt to ward off sleep. “But then you never spoke to me again.” I choked, at the expression of hurt evident in his eyes even as they drifted shut, losing the battle against sleep. 

Did he mistake me for someone else?

Pain stabbed in my chest. What if I looked like another person, and all along he was interested in me only because he thought I was them? There was no other explanation. A barricade came slamming down around my heart, forcing all thoughts to simultaneously shut down with it - all thoughts except the task at hand. Get him in bed and get out.

I bent over, running a hand behind his back as my other arm scooped up his legs, maneuvering him on the bed so that his head rested on the pillows, before drawing the comforter back up and around him. His arm slipped from around my neck and fell to the bed beside him. 

Get out! Get out! Get out! My heart was thrumming. 

I sent one last look at his sleeping face, pushing the hair back before placing a single, chaste kiss on his forehead. “Goodnight,” I whispered, heart slamming hard against my ribcage.

When I turned to go, there was a small, muffled groan and I felt slim fingers lace around my own. “Wait. Don’t go.” 

I turned back, eyes finding his half-lidded ones trained on me in silent request. “Please stay.” My fingers flinched away at the pain his request brought... his request that was meant for someone else.

I sighed, feeling it compress tightly around my chest, but even then I was at war with myself, feeling the conflicting desire to both protect him from myself and be with him. “Please,” he said again, and I found I couldn’t say no. My resolve cracked and I let his hand draw me back towards the bed. 

“Fine I’ll stay. But we’re only sleeping, kay?” 

He nodded, a tired smile spreading across his face. “Okay.” I removed my hoodie and tossed it to the floor by his shirt, leaving my crew-neck and sweatpants on, tugging back the blanket beside him and crawling in. He immediately twisted, turning to face me and I found myself pulling him close against my chest and allowing him to snuggle in. His nose buried into the space beneath my jaw and hands folded between his body and mine. 

“Thank you, Dae.” He murmured, light puffs of air running across the skin on my neck, and I let it melt away a tiny piece of the pain I now felt. 

He said my name and no one else’s. 

I bent down and kissed the top of his head. For now, that would have to be enough. “Sleep,” I commanded and he did, with my arms held securely around him.

Tomorrow I would tell the boys that our revenge plan against Chanyeol was over.

I won't hurt you.

* * *

What He’ll Never Have

Part Ten Completed.

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Author's Note: If anyone has experience and would be interested in creating a poster for WHNH please pm me! Just send me a link to some work you've done in the past. I am slightly picky but I would much prefer having someone who loves the story and feels connected to the character create a poster than someone from a shop. :) I look forward to your messages. x