*might contain typos*

You can listen to this song while reading. (I listened to this while writing this chapter hehe) : Dive by Ed Sheeran

“Park Jinyoung!” Chaeyoung yelled for the third time as she tries to wake his brother from his insanely deep sleep. This guy can be dead tired some nights, but not to the point that he would sleep for more than 12 hours. It’s a scorching Wednesday afternoon and Jinyoung is still having his entire body flatly laid against the bed. “You need to help me in the shop!” she added, but his brother didn’t reply and covered his face with a pillow instead.  This !

Out of annoyance, she strongly kicked his brother which resulted for him to fall off the bed. “Ouch!” he said, trying to get up and regain his balance. “What the hell are you doing here?!” Sleepy, Jinyoung embraced one of his pillows and collapsed on his bed once again. Chaeyoung can’t understand his brother’s behavior these days. It’s not that good as before, but she can’t totally say that it’s bad. One thing is for sure; something isn’t right. “You need to get that nice of yours off the bed and start being human.” She ordered. “You’re not a baby who can sleep all day long!”

“I’m tired, Chaeyoung. Will you be a good sister for now and let your brother rest longer?” The comfort of sleeping and drifting away from your everyday worries happened to be so inviting that Jinyoung can pretty much see himself staying away from his normal life for a couple of days. After all the events between him and Mark, Jinyoung couldn’t function like before. His hands were too tired for any flower arrangements, his brain was just too drained to think, his body can’t find enough stability for he can still feel Mark’s touch gracing all over his bare, pale skin. It hurts; it hurts to face his parents now that he committed a terrible mistake which is giving in to his best friend. He can imagine his dad throwing his things outside of their house if he finds out about what happened between Mark and his only son. “Look who’s asking for some rest?! You’ve been like this since yesterday! If you’re sick, we can go to the doctor for a check-up.” Worried, Chaeyoung said while lightly kicking his brother’s .

It touched Jinyoung’s heart that his sister cares for him, although she likes showing it in a brutal form. “I’m not sick. I just need some time to relax.” He answered in a stressed voice. He sat up afterwards, hugging his pillow and sadly looking at the window on his side. “Hey,” her sister sat beside him and flashed a comforting smile. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

Too bad, Jinyoung can’t tell everything to his sister. Despite his growing hate for Mark, there’s no way he would expose his secrets, especially if it involves him. It’s normal for the two of them to talk about their problems since they grew up really close. Chaeyoung usually rants about her non-existent love life and often cries went she thinks that she will never be good enough in the eyes of people. They are always there for each other; a sturdy shoulder to lean on. No secrets to hide. But now, Jinyoung is more than a hundred percent sure that Chaeyoung should keep her paws off this issue. “Nothing. I’m okay.”

No. You’re not. She sighed knowing that his brother must be facing a huge problem and it turned out to be so bad that he doesn’t want to tell it to others, even to his sister. ”I’m not going to be persistent about this. You don’t have to tell me your problem, but if you need help, I’m always here. Okay?”

Jinyoung nodded. He smiled, realizing that the love coming from his family is more than enough to make his mood lighter. “Thanks. I’m sorry if I can’t help you in the shop right now. Honestly, I don’t know where to start. I don’t have any idea on how to pick myself up after all this mess.” Subtle hints were given, but Chaeyoung chose not to dig into it. She respects his brother’s privacy and decisions. “You need to free yourself from everything that pulls you down.” Chaeyoung spoke, rubbing his brother’s back. She can feel the pain that Jinyoung is going through. It must be too much because a cheerful Park Jinyoung will never talk as if he’s taking the weight of the world on his back. “Don’t let the pain drag you away from the happiness that you deserve.”

“Don’t be too dramatic.” He joked after hearing his sister’s words. “I’ll be fine soon. I just need some more time to think.”

“I know you’re not in your best condition right now, but not going to school for two consecutive days is not good either.” Her sister reminded. Jinyoung is not the type of person who enjoys skipping classes. He urges himself to go to school although he’s not feeling well or not in the mood to study because he feels so bad whenever he skips a lesson. There’s also a small chance of survival f he wasn’t able to spend his day with his best friends. “I’m sure Mark and Jackson are missing you already. Oh, Jackson called earlier and he’s asking if you’re okay.” She recalled the recent phone call that she had with his brother’s friend.

Jinyoung closed his eyes for a while. Mark. It’s nearly impossible if Mark is looking for him too. They must keep a distance between them from now on. “I texted him already. About the lessons that I missed, no need to worry. I can ask Seungcheol or Seokmin to teach me.” Chaeyoung cringed at the statement. His brother has plenty of friends but is it weird that he’s seeking for other’s help instead of his best friends’ help. “Huh? Why not Jackson or Mark?” she curiously asked.

 “Do you expect me to learn if Jackson Wang is the one who’s gonna teach me?” Jinyoung asked, trying not to laugh. If only Jinyoung could say the disadvantages of choosing Jackson, he would. But every single reason includes Mark and that doesn’t sound so valid at all. Chaeyoung covered and shook her head. “That makes sense, bro.” And they giggled together. Truly, the bond of the family will never ever break.

The football field is empty at this time of the day. Even the soccer players are scared of getting to skin tanned and roasted under the prickly heat. Jackson and Mark are sitting on the bleachers while sipping into their cold iced teas. They are blankly looking at the field, yet thinking certain stuff about life. Jackson got his mind fixed on the project that their professor gave. They are asked to work in pairs, but since Jinyoung is absent, he is partnered with Dahyun while Jinyoung is partnered with their other classmate who’s also absent, Wonpil. Of course, Mark is thinking about Jinyoung. After that night, all he could ever think about is Jinyoung; his lips, his taste, his body and simply everything about him. It drives him wild. On the other side, the ugly truth that Jinyoung hates him slowly crushes him inside.

“I wonder what’s really happening to Jinyoung.” Jackson said.

Mark faced him nervously. “What do you mean?”

Jackson faced Mark seriously. “We both know him well.” He begun and searched for the best words to describe his feelings. “If he’s sick, he will try his best to attend the classes. Earlier, Seokmin said that Jinyoung asked him to drop by their house tonight so he could copy his lectures.” With much jealousy, Jackson sighed. “Why did he chose Seokmin instead of me!? I even printed out some of the hand-outs for him and copied all of the lectures even though my fingers are already tired so he could copy my detailed notes. I...I feel bad.” He sadly said. It hit Mark straight to his chest. He knew exactly why Jinyoung didn’t consider Jackson’s help for now. This is getting out of hand.   

No right to object from Jinyoung’s decisions, Mark accepted defeat in a different form; through the words relayed by Jackson. He is just about to ruin their friendship—the bond that was rock solid for three years is now about to turn into fine ashes. “It’s his choice. If that’s what he wants, let him do it.” It entered his mind that maybe, Jinyoung is still willing to talk to them and he’s just taking some time for himself. Whatever he is up to right now, Mark wants to keep the gap for this might help them fix their minds and understand their feelings. Genuine feelings.

Sadly, Jackson, who is completely oblivious about the nights that Mark and Jinyoung have shared, realized Mark’s uncanny reaction regarding Jinyoung’s situation. “You know, Tuan, it’s quite alarming that you’re not giving a damn about everything that’s happening with Jinyoung!” Jackson blurted boldly. He was angry and disappointed by way their friend is tolerating Jinyoung’s decisions. He’s not forcing Mark to take sides, but he must start being reasonable and stop going with the flow.

This is not good. Jackson never raised his voice in a conversation no matter how irritated he is, yet he yelled just now. “It’s not like that!” Mark opposed, shocked that Jackson is not taking this issue calmly. All that he ever wanted is give Jinyoung his freedom; to free himself from all the anger or ache at Mark caused. Jinyoung is already in his 20s, he knows what’s best for him. “Jacks, we need to respect Jinyoung’s decisions! Let’s not fight over small matters like this –”

“No, Mark!” Jackson held the books on his lap and slammed it hard against the bleacher. “You keep on playing safe! You must set the boundaries and point out if something is not right anymore!” Who would have thought that Jackson is so observant? He can notice the tiniest evidences and use them as a key to win over anyone. “Tell me, do you know why he is acting like this?!” Jackson finally asked. By the way Mark looked, it’s clear that they’re hiding something.

Mark shook his head. “I...I don’t know!” he stuttered like a kid caught on the spot for stealing someone else’s candy. “Mark, he’s ignoring us for no good reason! The last time I checked, the three of us are good. But after the party that you two attended, everything changed!” For a moment, each detail flashed in his mind like a movie on tape. The party was great. Jenny was beautiful as always, lots of drinks and interesting stories. Next scenes were just too steamy to be forgotten. He swore, there’s no way he could forget Jinyoung’s sudden submissiveness. For now, Mark has to lie not just for his sake, but for his Peachy as well. “Nothing happened during the party! We both had fun.” True, they enjoyed...a little too much. Jumping into conclusions is what Mark tries to prevent and if he has to rub that fact on Jackson’s face, he would. “We are not sure about his condition right now, so we better stop speculating too much and just wait for him to come back so he could clean everything up! It is his life and he has all the right to do whatever he wants.” Mark answered as gentle as possible. Pouring gasoline over flame will never kill the fire; it will worsen it instead.

Although they don’t see it visibly, both guys are showing their care for Jinyoung. They used different ways and applied diverse approach. Mark picked the lighter one; his concern for Jinyoung’s feelings overpowered his ability to support Jackson’s observation, which has something to do with Jinyoung’s behavior. Wang furrowed his brows in anger. What’s has gotten into Mark?! “Don’t ing tell me that you’re just gonna let this pass because that sounds like you’re okay to lose Jinyoung sooner or later.” He exclaimed intensely.

Both of them hoped that this conversation would end in a pleasant way, but looks like none of these two will accept defeat. “Dude, stay on your lane.” Mark warned after hearing Jackson’s curses. It’s getting inappropriate now.

Jackson had enough. There’s something wrong with Mark and Jinyoung. He thought after getting a glimpse of Mark’s mad mood. “You are the one who’s not on track.” He shook his head in disbelief and bitterly left his friend alone. A day without a stupid Mark Tuan and an insensitive Park Jinyoung sounds good though. No stress. Mark was left there alone, hating himself for ing up so bad this time. It’s clear now, their friendship is gradually falling apart and it was caused by him. What a wrecker.

The sun is just about to set behind the thick clouds when Jaebum arrived at the Parks’ flower shop. He was holding a bag with a container filled with spicy beef soup and several side dishes. Chaeyoung welcomed him happily. Jaebum introduced himself as Jinyoung’s classmate so the girl immediately accompanied him upstairs and guided him towards his brother’s room. They passed along Jinyoung’s parents, and Jaebum greeted them politely. It’s their first time to see this flawless guy, and they’re pretty impressed with his features. “Is he sleeping?” Jaebum asked, handing the food that he brought to Chaeyoung.

She shook her head. “He’s awake. I heard his footsteps downstairs.” Jaebum nodded after mumbling a low thanks to her. Nervously, he knocked three times on the wooden door the separates him from Jinyoung. In a few moments, someone yelled and gave instructions. “Come in.” And the visitor did.

The first thing that Jaebum saw was Jinyoung—sprawled on the bed, face against his pillows, down to his boxer shorts and tank top, and hair all messy. “Hey!” he greeted with a wave although Jinyoung wasn’t able to see it.

Upon hearing the familiar voice, Jinyoung flipped over. “Oh!” He sat properly and fixed his hair. Having a presentable look in front of a visitor is a must. “Hi!” replied Jinyoung. Jaebum walked closer to him and sat on a vacant space beside the younger. It may seem rude for sitting on the bed uninvited, but he wants to get close, personally, to the precious life form before him. “How are you?” Jaebum asked, worried about the other.

“I’m good.” The weight in his heart got worse; when will he stop lying about his real state? No one knows. He doesn’t want others to get even a smallest detail of his problem for it is too serious and confidential. “Then why are you not going to school? It’s been 2 days and your professors are already looking for you!” It’s nice to hear that the said educators were somehow concerned for him. He wondered if Mark is looking for him too. Probably not. He can’t even send a single message after that night. What a coward.

Jinyoung sighed before smiling. “I’m not feeling well these past few days.” It looks like it though, yet Jaebum can see that aside from health issues, something else is making him feel unwell. It’s visible within Jinyoung’s actions and expressions. He keeps a bright aura almost every day, including those days when he’s not having a good vibe. Now, seeing him this way, Jaebum knew that he’s so down. “Why are you here?!” Jinyoung asked, moving closer to his friend.

Jaebum grinned and looked away. This intimacy is too much, but Jaebum will never complain. “I’m worried about you.” He said, straight and fast. It came out so natural that Jinyoung didn’t even take in a wrong way. What’s wrong with having someone who’s worried about your condition anyway? Jinyoung beamed and nodded. “I brought some soup. My mother cooked it for you.” Jaebum happily spoke. Cheesy it is. Obviously, his mother is pouring his full support on her kid’s interest. “Really? Tell her that I said thank you. Haven’t eaten too much lately. I feel so weak; mentally, physically and emotionally.” Answered Jinyoung. Their topics are turning into a roller coaster of feels. Jinyoung would smile at some point and act like he’s okay, yet he will sulk one time and show how helpless he is. For someone who cares badly about him, it hurts to see him like this. Emotions inside him were so overwhelming that he couldn’t express his genuine feelings.

The elder thought of an idea. Although there’s a huge shank of possibility that Jinyoung will not agree with it, he still gave it a shot. He took a deep breath. “I’m going to Ilsan tonight for the annual town festival past few days. night. WHat btbeside the younger. , and I’ll be back tomorrow evening.” His hands are shaking. He doesn’t know if he’s bound to face another rejection caused by his sudden decisions. For now, Jaebum used a different mind-set. It is understandable if Jinyoung declines because he is sick. But why does it feel so odd? Like Jaebum is desperate to hear a mighty ‘yes’. Seconds later, he continued. “Would you like to come with me?”

Such queries deserve concrete and direct answers. “What made you think that I’m up for a short escapade?” Replied the younger. He’s shocked that Jaebum thought of tagging him along even though he’s ill and not in the mood to be productive. “I don’t know.” Jaebum spoke, smirking. “Maybe you need a break from everything here.” He added smoothly. Yes, that’s what he needs—a break.

“I’m sick.” Jinyoung showed a funny sick expression and laughed. It’s nice to see him like this again. Thought Jaebum.

Jinyoung is entitled to speak for himself. He must decide fairly and consider his current state. Jaebum opened his heart for this reply. He knew Jinyoung would say it, but maybe this is his chance to shine in front of Park Jinyoung’s pretty eyes. Jaebum smiled, he pinched Jinyoung’s right cheek and stared at him as if he’s the center of the universe. “Don’t worry,” he assured confidently. “I’ll take good care of you.”

And that’s the encouragement that made Jinyoung say...”Okay. I’m in.” Let’s say that the ‘break’ Jaebum was pertaining to is extremely needed too.

That night, Jinyoung and Jaebum headed to Ilsan. They left without asking the permission of Jinyoung’s parents, but Chaeyoung promised that she’ll be the one to explain everything in case they ask. For a short trip like this, is not necessary to bring many clothes so he only took few. Jaebum helped him pack and prepare all the needed things. There are lots of ideas running in Jaebum’s mind—he can’t focus. He’s happy because finally, he’ll have a quality time with Jinyoung. Somehow, he’s sad and frustrated knowing that he can’t do anything to bring back the brightness in the eyes of his special friend. Of course, he’s hoping that this trip could cure all the pain inside them. A time to let their wounds heal.

A series of knocks disturbed the tranquillity of Jackson’s dorm. He’s watching a horror movie when the loud sounds coming from his door sent him in a panic state; he screamed and jolted in shock. Five minutes before 7 o’clock in the evening. I wonder who dared to ruin my me time. Jackson rushed towards the door without any positive feeling at all. He turned the knob and a guy greeted him with a stressed smile. “Hey.” Mark said, hands inside the pocket of his jeans.

“Hi.” Still bothered by their previous argument, Jackson replied. He turned his back to his friend, yet he left the door open—indirectly telling Mark to come in and follow him. “Why are you here?” he doesn’t want to be cold, but there’s a thin layer of pride that separates him from doing what’s right. “Can I stay here for a while?” Mark followed him inside and eagerly anticipated for a reply. He knew that maybe this is not the best option for now, yet Jackson never drops a serious request no matter how mad he is.

Jackson sat on his bed and acted as if Mark doesn’t exist. “Yeah.” In the short response, Mark felt so safe and secured. Jackson cares for him and right now, he needs someone who can make him feel better. At least he’s not alone and he wished that Jinyoung is not all by himself too.

Mark sat on the ground, beside Jackson’s bed. They both chose to remain silent and watch the movie together. Suddenly, the grumbling sound of Mark’s stomach grumbled—several decibels higher than the volume of the television. Oops. Jackson looked at him. “Have you eaten?” Mark shook his head shyly. His friend stood up and went straight to the kitchen. Mark can hear the beeping of the microwave and the clashing sounds of ceramic bowls. “Let’s eat.” He called.

“Thank you but...” Mark answered, uncertain. Seconds after his inconclusive statement, Jackson appeared in front of him with a confused look. “I’m not hungry.”

What an absurd excuse. “Your stomach is grumbling, Tuan. I may be stupid at times, but I’m not deaf. I’m not that much of a heartless guy to watch you die from hunger.” Jackson is just about to leave him in his spot when Mark felt a tear run down his eye. He can’t take this anymore. “J-Jacks...” he said in a low, broken voice that made Jackson stop from walking away.

Mark is crying?! He looked back to check his friend and his guess was right. “What’s the matter?!”

“I’m so sorry.” Whispered Mark, covering his face with both hands and softly sobbing. Jackson sat beside him and rubbed his back. He can’t let his friend turn into an emotional mess. Mark is the type who prefers hiding his real feelings to show a stronger version of himself. He only cries when things are already beyond his control, namely his break-up with Minah, his parents’ separation and now, for undefined reasons. “No, no! It’s okay. I’m sorry too. I was blinded by anger earlier, I talked to you rudely.” Jackson spoke softly, panicking internally after seeing his pal.

Mark shook his head, wiped his tears away and managed to talk properly. This may not seem as the best time to tell Jackson about everything, but his friend will also find out anytime soon. “It’s not about that!” he said, looking at Jackson with his lonely eyes. “Our friendship is falling apart, and it’s all my fault.” Mark admitted with much regret. Although Jackson can feel the intensity of emotions, such as dismay and sincerity, in Mark’s words, it’s still unclear. Very blurry. Lots of details are missing. “What do you mean?!” Asked Jackson, sitting comfortably on the floor.

This is not as easy as it seems. Opening up your heart to someone and letting them see your weaknesses, flaws and deepest secrets is too complicated. For Mark, who wore the strong mask all along, this is hard. He’s afraid to get judged. What will Jackson say if he found out that he’s feeling different whenever he’s with Jinyoung? What will he say regarding their drunk make out session the other night? Thinking about what other people think about you is scary, yet Mark needs to correct all his mistakes and save their bond from completely breaking.

“Jinyoung and I...” he started off carefully, not wanting to spoil the right away. “We attended Wonho’s birthday, remember?” Jackson nodded vigorously. “He had some drinks and stuff then we went home, drunk and so damn wasted...” Recalling all those events were bittersweet—quite arousing too. Mark paused for a second, breathing in and out. Thoughts were running through Jackson’s head. Did they fight? Did Jinyoung accidentally slipped from being Jenny?  If curiosity really ends lives, Jackson already died multiple times.

“What happened, Tuan?” Intrigued the other. “Spill it, Yien! Spill it!”

Should I? Hesitant and unstable, Mark gulped, fear consumed his mind. “We ended up making out.”

Neither of the two managed to talk after Mark’s revelation. Jackson was speechless and dumbfounded. “W-Wait a second...” he blurted out as high hopes of clearing things out become his main agenda. If his ears got that right, Mark and Jinyoung did something steamy. no! Jackson widens his eyes in disbelief. His thoughts can be so deceiving, he must hear it again from Mark. “Can you repeat that one?” he pleads in desperation.

After a short moment of finding bits of his inner peace, Mark answered as calm as he can. “Jinyoung and I, we made out.” Jackson’s expression was still, especially now that Mark cleared his statements. It was truly shocking and quite frustrating to hear that from Mark himself. “Y-You mean the one with messy, passionate kisses and unnecessary touching?!” Jackson clarified just to see the level of their intimacy that night. Shyly, Mark nodded.

“W-wait, dude. I don’t get it!” The Hong Kong native stood up and walked away from his previous place. He went towards the kitchen and drank a glass of cold water that he prepared for Mark several minutes ago. He came back, wanting to talk about Mark’s genuine goals for making such a giant mess in his friendship with Jinyoung. “What has gotten into you?!” He asked angrily.

Mark shook his head and sat on the bed. He wanted to slam his head on the nearest wall just to find out the reason behind the sudden rise of lust in his nerves that night. “That...That’s not the first time we did it.” He confessed in a way that made Jackson curse, loud enough for the neighbors to hear. Mark thought that if he waits until his friend’s anger vanishes before talking again, he would just be mad again and the rest is just a cycle of anger and discomfort. “I’m sorry, dude. I...I don’t know what happened.”

“Tell me everything.” Jackson ordered firmly.

Mark nodded, followed by a deep sigh as he tried to recall the amusement part incident. “I stayed in their house for a week right? One day, we have decided to go to an amusement park. We rode a Ferris wheel and started talking about my problems. I don’t know, man. We...” Mark paused to catch his breath. “We kissed.”  

Jackson gave him a serious look. “Don’t ing tell me that Jimyoung kissed you back?” and he was right. Mark nodded in guilt and covered his face with his cold palms. This is embarrassing; not in the way that he kissed a guy, but because he dared to ing blemish the good connection between him and Jinyoung. Now Jackson, the one who’s supposed to understand him, is already to judging his reckless actions. “Damn it, Tuan!” he yelled in frustration. “Why didn’t you tell me about this before?!”

“I’m sorry. I...I don’t know what to say.” Mark was stuttering and he can’t keep a straight gaze on his friend. “Besides, Jinyoung doesn’t want anyone else to know.”

It is painful for Jackson because his best buddies kept all these conflicts with them. That’s the reason why they are now standing at this nerve-wrecking stage, trying to save the deteriorating pieces and fixing crucial puzzle pieces. If this is the kind of friendship that Mark and Jinyoung want, Jackson would like to omit himself from the circle. He felt like a stranger, although they’ve been together for too long. “And you guys see me as one of those ‘anyone else’?” he asked, sad and confused.

The point here is the struggle that Mark and Jinyoung faced, but Jackson tries to add more fuel to the fire by being too salty about not sharing the kissing incidents. This is not the right time to bombard him with rants; Mark is in need of release and space. “No, but I hope you understand why we chose to hide everything from you.” Mark sighed. “Jinyoung and I can’t even talk about it properly. It’s a mistake that we both want to forget. Also, we don’t want you to worry about it. Please respect that, Jacks.” It’s not an apology, but Mark tried his best to make it sound pleasing. He wants Jackson to be more mature regarding this one.

A nod from the other was the only thing that calmed a portion of Mark’s tired mind. “You can’t expect me to let these all pass so easily.” Jackson warned. He blinked for a couple of times and asked “Do you even know the price that you gotta pay for this messed that you did?!”

Mark replied aggressively. “I’m not the only one –”

Losing all his remaining chill, Jackson strongly hit Mark’s shoulder. A large bruise will surely appear later on. “Mark Tuan, you could’ve had with him!” shouted the younger. Mark was speechless. Jackson is right. They were just few away from the real thing. “We both know how fragile Jinyoung is! This might not damage you severe enough, but there is a huge possibility that Park Jinyoung is currently falling apart somewhere in Korea! If those events hurt you, it probably killed Jinyoung already. He treasures you so much, but you chose to ruin his trust by pushing those weird kinks of yours!” Painful, but Mark needs a dosage of that. Good thing, Wang knows where to hit him—not physically, but emotionally. “What has gotten into you?!” Jackson’s voice is now softer but still annoyed.

“I don’t know.” Mark answered right away. If he could really speak for what he truly feels, Mark will not waste his time trying to fit these mystery pieces. At the moment, fixing the people and bonds he damaged comes first before anything else. With his eyes still drenched in tears, Mark softly spoke. “I want to see him, but knowing that Jinyoung is not the type who easily forgets, I guess it is better to give him some space for now.” It may sound like a coward strategy, but Mark is left with no choice.

Jackson still can’t fully believe what’s happening. He knew it, right from the very start, that Mark and Jjnyoung have something precious; more like a special connection that they never link with anyone else. But Jackson never thought that it would end up like this. “Your so called space will only make things worse.” He replied. Jackson stood, walked towards the window and inhaled some fresh air. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but the first time you kissed him, you’re sad about your parents’ divorce, and  thought he’s Jenny.”

“Yes.” Mark shyly agreed.

It seems like Jackson is about to come up with the most shocking theory ever, yet it’s still up to Mark if he’s just going to accept it or prove it wrong. “The second time, you were drunk and you saw her as Jenny, again.”

The younger nodded, looking down as if he committed a huge crime. Well, yeah. He really did.  With that, Jackson realized how the thing he feared the most happened in a blink of an eye. It is the possibility that Mark now sees Jinyoung as Jenny. This is not just about the physical aspect, but Jenny’s persona is now deeply engraved in Mark’s system; Jenny is already a part of Mark. Jackson never thought that this would actually happen. He thought about this before, but he believed in Mark’s ability to separate reality and fiction.  And besides, that person is Jinyoung, their best friend. Jackson sighed, and sat beside Mark. “Park Jenny is not a real person. We only used her identity for sweet revenge. Everything about that girl is borrowed—from her perfect hair, fashionable clothes, her name, her family, personal background, and her body—nothing really belonged to Jenny, because there is no Jenny!” He had to emphasize every word so that Mark will fully understand that he’s unconsciously clinging onto someone who’s not even there, not even real.

It is really difficult for Mark to open his lips and speak up straight from his heart because everything is still fresh in his memory. Like a wound that’s still bleeding and hurting.  The hunger to object his real, because it seems like Jackson is right. “I know that, Jacks. But there’s something I feel when I’m with Jinyoung…with Jenny.” Dropping a name is just too hard at this point where none of his emotions are certain and stable. With those names being continuously mentioned, Jackson knew that it’s about time to finally draw the line between them. “Mark, you are with Jinyoung all along.” Gently, he answered. “He is our best friend.” A friend who is always ready to help in any given circumstance. “What did he said before leaving? I bet he cried.” Just thinking about it worried Jackson. Jinyoung is not strong enough to handle such situations. Somehow, Jackson also realized how Jinyoung differs from Jenny. Both of them are strong, sassy and sweet, but Jinyoung knows his limits. He’s not like Jenny—the woman who sets her own boundaries just to drag Minah down.  Crazy how Jinyoung was able to pull a new version of himself just to help Mark.

“He cried, and I can’t even look straight at him because it’s ripping me into pieces.” Mark wanted to cry a little more, but tears stopped falling. Maybe this is a way for him suffer. “I told him that it was a mistake. He said that he’s not my toy and he can’t full up Minah’s shortcomings.” Is it really necessary to go back to that night and relive the pain over and over again?

If only kicking Mark out of the room is appropriate, Jackson already did it. “Why the would you tell him that it’s a mistake?!” He shouted in annoyance. Sure, given that it is a mistake but they both went for it. Mark was silent. He remembered how Jinyoung broke down when he heard about that cursed word. Wrong word selection, maybe? “It happened twice! You two kissed during two different nights. Mark, that’s no longer a mistake! Same mistakes don’t happen twice, and if they did, it’s already a choice.” Jackson elaborated. Finally. Finally, Mark understood. “See? Jinyoung gave in during the second time, we don’t know why. For him, putting his defences down for the second time is a choice, and for you it’s still a ing mistake. That hurts! He resisted, maybe after realizing that it’s already going beyond his endpoints, but instead of putting him on a safer state, you called it as if you will never take responsibility of it. All the burden is on him, since mistakes doesn’t usually hit both people with the same intensity.” It is a very rare chance to hear Jackson talk like this, because he only does this during times of despair, a.k.a their current situation.

“I don’t know what to say that night. Those were the only words I could generate.” Mark countered with much regret. “Then you should’ve just shut that impulsive mouth of yours! Jinyoung is not a toy that you can play with when you’re sad or happy or —whatever! Teaming up with you and going along with your plans is not easy. At first, he helped you because of the exchange student program, but as time goes by, he stayed in the plan because he wants to help you. He is doing his best to pull you off your hard episodes, so please don’t make it hard for him too.” Jackson’s voice sounded so soft; as if he’s begging in behalf of Jinyoung.  Losing Jinyoung means losing a part of Mark, a part of Jackson. “Jinyoung is right, if you need a girlfriend, go and get one. None of us will complain. Actually, we will fully support you because as your best friends, your happiness is also our happiness.” That’s so genuine. Mark can feel it.

“What should I do now?” Mark asked. It may sound dumb that he’s asking Jackson for a right move, but how can he trust himself now? He can’t even make a meal for tonight’s dinner. Bigger decisions need better supervision and a systematic planning. They can’t enter a war without a survival idea. Jackson gave Mark a sharp look. “Before anything else, tell me the truth…” Mark nodded. He can’t lie now, or everything will get worse. “Are you planning to get back with Minah?!” Jackson asked directly. 

Without hesitation, Mark replied. “No.” Now that he saw how dreadful that girl is, no way. Never again. And getting a new girlfriend sounds bad at this point. “Why do i feel like I’ve fallen for Jenny? I mean, I don’t want a new girlfriend because I want her. I’m so happy when I’m with her…or him. Ugh! This is frustrating!” Did he ignite another fire that would burn him alive? Jackson was speechless.  

“Dude…” There was something in Jackson’s voice that gave him chills. This may sound unreal, but based on how Mark weighs everything, it seems like the only thing that makes him indecisive were the labels. “No, you’re not into Jenny.” Jackson added, serious and shocked. The way he looked at Mark was indescribable. The younger felt like his stare is going through his soul and undressing him completely. “What do you mean?” intrigued Mark, nervous. 

With much courage, Jackson dared to question. “Tell me the truth, Yien.” A short pause, enough to increase the rate of their heart beats. “Do you like Jinyoung!?”

Truth be told, it’s not quite surprising to hear especially when Mark indiscreetly drops the hints. The only job Jackson did was picking up the parts and connecting them little by little. Mark sighed deeply, he knew this would come.  All along, he thought it’s pretty easy to handle such instances because for his 23 years of existence, there was never a problem in managing his desire for others. But it is not the same this time. It’s like a 360 degrees transition. If he’ really into Jinyoung, this is the first time that he’ll be attracted to a man. “I’ve been asking myself the same question for quite a while , but I don’t want to talk about it now. Everything is just too complex, and I’m actually so close to losing my grip.” This is not a way to avoid or get away; he’ll definitely attend this question after everything comes back to normal. 

This is not about the gender; it’s the feeling that matters. Jackson is certain that Mark is open to any type of relationship, since all that matters to him is the feeling— the love. The only thing he should think about is if he’s really into Jinyoung, or in love with Jenny, or simply in love with the feeling of having a girlfriend. But now, their friendship must come first. “Do you want to talk to Jinyoung?” asked Jackson.

“I want to, but…what should I say?” Worried, Mark replied. “I can’t think straight.”

Pulling a jacket from his closet, Jackson turned off the appliances and pulled the electric plugs out. He stood in front of Mark, pushed him out of the bed, and dragged him out of the unit. “Words will come out naturally once we’re there.” They headed out to the street and hailed a taxi. This is now or never. If this doesn’t get fixed, a chance of sudden friendship over is at sight. Jackson is the best hero of all time. Avengers who?

Twenty minutes before nine in the evening, and the main streets are jammed. The traffic is bad, that reaching Jinyoung before their shop closes sounds impossible. They are still 2 kilometers away. Mark was restless on his seat. He wanted to just shove the driver off the car and drive away along these sea of vehicles. “Calm your down, Tuan!” Jackson whispered, browsing something on his cellphone. Probably checking new kicks. Mark refused to listen. He uneasily looked at the window and balled his fists. “Look!” All of a sudden, Jackson showed his phone to Mark. “Jaebum’s in Ilsan!” he said, showing a picture of a beautiful, festive scenery that Jaebum uploaded on his Instagram. “The caption says ‘I like me better with I’m with you’ and there’s a heart emoji. Woah! Jaebum found a girl…or guy already? He’s no longer into Jinyoung?!” Cocky, Jackson spoke. He’s amused by what he saw, but it didn’t matter much to Mark. “Who cares about that kid?” Mark asked, irritated as he fight the urge to punch the windows. ing traffic!

“Whoa there, dude. Jaebum did you nothing wrong. Why hate?” Jackson noticed it recently; Jaebum is getting on Mark’s nerves for no sufficient reason.  Looks like we all know why.

“Just…I don’t want to talk about anyone or anything right now. I just need to see Jinyoung.” Mark responded. The cars are not even moving, and the clock is ticking fast. Running out of patience, Mark rapidly stepped out of the taxi. Surprised, Jackson shouted. “Tuan! Where are you going?!” But Mark is already running away. Damn. He’s going to be a marathoner again. After paying the taxi fare, Jackson followed his friend and tried to catch with his speed, but Mark is just running extra fast tonight. People on the sidewalks were forced to move aside, so Jackson would only mumble a low apology as they run fast away from them. Mark never liked running. He hated it so much, to the point that he failed their physical education in the past semesters. It’s easy for him to get tired. Being born with asthma, it is a price he must pay. But here he is, running like there’s no tomorrow. Jackson can’t even catch him. Mark’s mind went blank as his feet did everything. Jinyoung. Jinyoung. Jinyoung. That’s all he can think off.

They arrived in front of the Parks’ Flower Shop. Chaeyoung is in front of the store, putting the empty pots inside. Panting and exhausted, Mark rushed beside the girl. “C-Chaeyoung!” he said, out of air. No, asthma! Not tonight! Shocked to see Mark at that time, Chaeyoung remained silent. Jackson arrived seconds later, same state—close to passing out. At first, the girl thought that they’ll be bringing the books and other notes for his brother, but they’re not holding any aside from their phones. “Jinyoung…” Mark muttered. “Where’s  J-Jinyoung?!”

Chaeyoung immediately went in the shop, reached for a glass of water on the counter and passed it to Mark. “He didn’t tell you?” she asked.  Mark took a sip. “Tell us what?!” Answered the man holding the glass. Jackson stood closer, taking the glass and consuming al the water left. Mark gave Jackson a nervous stare. A good feeling is not found. “Jinyoung left earlier.”

“Where is he?!” Damn, Chaeyoung! Just say it all! Mark thought.

“He went to Ilsan…” What the is he doing there? The two men looked at each other. Wait…No! “…with Jaebum.”

It took less than a minute for Mark and Jackson to digest Chaeyoung's words. Nothing sounded so real, but there's absolutely no way that Chaeyoung would lie. The three of them remained silent. Knowing that these two are unaware of his brother's recent activities, and their firm facial expressions after hearing Jaebum's name, Chaeyoung felt suspicious. Is there something wrong? The legs that were so powerful minutes ago seemed to lose its strength in a blink. This is something unexpected--never predicted to be exact. It left him empty inside.

Jackson was also stunned. So the caption for Jaebum's Instagram post is for Jinyoung?! ! And I still joked about it?! There was a sudden guilt, but what can he do? Minutes ago, the only thing bothering their minds was the head busting traffic, and not Jinyoung's great escape. Before he could say something, Mark started running again, leaving him with Chaeyoung. "Thank you, Chaeyoung! Take care!" Jackson bid farewell before anxiously following Mark.

"Dude! You can't keep on running like this!" Aware that Mark's condition is not that good, Jackson tried his very best to stop him, or slow him down at least. But being a stubborn kid he is, Mark didn’t listen. He ran towards the nearest bus stop. "Where are you going?!" Jackson tiredly asked as he held on Mark's shoulder to support his dying legs. What caught Jackson off-guard is Mark's endurance. He doesn’t look tired at all, as if he could run until Ilsan even without having dinner. Mark impatiently looked for a bus. "Ilsan! I need to talk to him!"

Worried for his friend, Jackson attempted to stop him. What if all that he’s feeling now is just a sudden rush of emotions? What if this worsens everything? "Just wait for him to come back!"

"You're the one who told me that space is bull. I'll talk to him!" Mark replied, not talking any of his pal’s words.

"Are you going there because you want to fix our friendship or you want to take him away from Jaebum?!"

Mark felt tears pooling on his eye lids. He can't even produce a single word to reply. Only a stressed out stare, and Jackson knew how these incidents are crushing Mark inside. His recent break up with Minah, his family problem, this issue about friendship, and his confused heart's search for home.  There’s a bus approaching. 10:49 PM, Mark believes this is the last one en route to Ilsan. With a weary beam, Mark promised. "I'll finish this tonight." Jackson smiled and embraced Mark before finally watching him find a seat inside the bus. The vehicle moved, and Jackson hoped that everything will be back on track by sunrise.

The entire road trip isn’t peaceful for Mark. His thoughts were wild and crazy, which he can't control in a snap. He's not familiar with Ilsan, but he must find a way to see Jinyoung. He kept on calling the younger, but the same beeps were heard. Why is he not answering my calls?! Disappointed, Mark sighed hopelessly. He'll get there in 3 hours, depending on the traffic. I will find you, Nyoung.

Mark reached a small town in Ilsan before the clock strikes 1:00 AM. He heard that there's a festival in the said place earlier. He went on every place, walking through people dancing on the town plaza, finding his way on sidewalks filled with people eating on food stalls. Searching for Jinyoung in a nearby park where couples walk hand in hand. Despite of all the efforts Mark did, not even the slightest shadow of Jinyoung is seen. The fire inside him is slowly dying, being swallowed by fear, shame, and guilt. Walking with no direction, Mark saw a nearby beach. In times like these, only the calming sound of the waves can put him at ease. Not thinking twice, Mark trudged towards the white sand. He can feel the cool breeze on his skin. The uniform he's wearing was drenched in sweat. His stomach grumbled, but it’s not a big deal now.

Cold sand touched his feet, and Mark felt a little relieved. He kept on walking on the shore while holding his shoes. His sight landed on the sea before him; so calming and serene. I wish you are here, Jinyoung. Mark knows that his best buddy loves going to beaches like this since he’s from Jinhae. With a faint smile, Mark recalled everything that they’ve been through. These past few weeks are rough as their make-believe couple plan became a success although it totally went out of hand. Having a friend like Jinyoung, and a girlfriend like Jenny, Mark can’t ask for more. Wait. They’re the same person, right?

As he continued to walk alone, he saw two guys sitting not far from his current spot. Mark thought that maybe he could ask them for directions, or maybe show them a picture of Jinyoung and Jaebum. But as Mark walked closer, the men slowly became familiar. Those arms. That shirt. His hair.. “J-Jinyoung?!” Mark whispered. Finally! He saw the man that he’s been searching for after running a couple of kilometres, travelling for hours, and flipping the entire town. He’s with Jaebum. But as Mark walked closer, he witnessed something painful enough to break his still damaged heart.

Jaebum held Jinyoung’s hands before pulling him into a tight hug. Jinyoung is smiling as he embraced Jaebum back. From the distance, Mark knew they’re hugging tight, because that’s how Jinyoung hugs him before. As they parted, Jaebum cupped Jinyoung’s cheeks while they share intense gazes. No. Don’t. All the power and will in Mark’s body betrayed him. He can’t even lift a muscle now and walk. It’s like there’s a heavy chain pulling him back. And it happened— Jaebum kissed Jinyoung’s forehead. Just like in the movies. They look happy. He looks so happy without me.

It’s a good thing that Jinyoung can’t see Mark, or he’ll see a crying mess. The pain, Mark is not sure where and why it came out this bad. The jealousy and hate shattered him. Is it because he doesn’t want to share his friend to someone else? It is because Jinyoung didn’t consult them first and hid everything from them? Or maybe, Mark is already falling him? Nevertheless, Mark felt cheated. He felt betrayed. He felt useless. Jaebum pulled Jinyoung for one last embrace, and it’s pretty obvious that Jinyoung doesn’t have any plans of escaping. Maybe he found his home now.

I should be happy for my friend. But no matter how I force myself to smile, I end up crying even more.

Sometimes, we need to get a taste of bitterness to finally realize how we took all the sweetness for granted.  

a/n:

Heyyyyyyy! Sorry for not updating this for a year :((. I had a hard time dealing with school work + personal problems for the past two semesters. I hope you guys understand. :(  Thank you for waiting. I know how hard it is to wait for something that has no assurance. Again, thank you soooooo much and I am really, really sorry :((  You can talk to me on twitter! Its @pjyxcyj  ♥

Til next time! ♥