//might contain typos uwu

(!!!!!): This chapter contains what happened to Jinyoung and Jaebum during their trip to Ilsan. Expect a massive amount to JJP goodness. :)

Jumping into a spontaneous trip is one of Jinyoung’s unspoken desires. There is a sudden rush that makes him feel so pumped up when unplanned adventures like this happen so unexpectedly. But instead of wildly jamming to loud roadtrip music, he silently sat there on the passenger seat with his head against the window, humming to the night drive playlist on Jaebum’s phone. The songs were mostly love songs, but Jinyoung is not in the mood to digest and relate the lyrics to his first-hand experiences. As of now, the melody helped him cool down. One more thing about night drives, Jinyoung likes the road with all that light against the natural dark backdrop. Jaebum’s driving is slow, not because of the traffic, but there’s sick person inside his car so no way he’ll speed up like a criminal on the run. “That’s my favorite song.” Jaebum suddenly spoke, ending the thrilling silence between them. It has been 20 minutes since they left, and they’re still in Seoul. 7:28 PM, still rush hour.

Jinyoung looked at Jaebum from his position. The man driving this car drove him crazy for a while. This is the first time that Jinyoung saw Jaebum wearing normal clothes and styled the way he likes; not in his uniform and not following the school rules about accessories, hair and more. He’s so handsome in that grey shirt, faded jeans, dirty chucks, and leather belt. He also wears his ear piercings, a gold watch, and a silver ring on his finger. Lastly, his hair is messy, as if he made out with someone earlier. He glows perfectly with the reflection of city lights touching his fair skin. Jinyoung could feel himself blushing just by seeing Im Jaebum like this. Before, he often wonders what made this guy so special in the eyes of the crowd, but as Jinyoung found himself being drawn towards the man beside him, he got answers for his questions. Jaebum is a good person; he’s more than just brains and looks. He can’t take his eyes off of Jaebum even just for a second. “Jinyoung-ah? You okay?” A sudden question stirred his thoughts. “Y-Yeah...” he replied, embarrassed that Jaebum caught him in such state.

The song smoothly played in the background. When You Move by Parachute. “I like that song too.”

Jaebum made a swift glance to smile at Jinyoung before focusing back on the road. “I’m sorry if I forced you to come with me.” It is unnecessary and Jinyoung felt bad. It’s like he did something that made Jaebum thought he forced Jinyoung to tag along. Is it the sulking? Is it the silence? “If there’s one who used force, it is me. I forced myself to join you because I need a break, and you said you’ll take care of me so why the not?! I haven’t been to Ilsan.” Jinyoung is serious with everything he said. Jaebum should be free from any guilt because he’s the savior here. He’s the real MVP of this little game.

“Are you excited?” Jaebum asked, smiling like a fool. There’s something about his smiles that makes Jinyoung feel so fuzzy and at ease. With his back against the door of the passenger seat, Jinyoung made himself comfortable in Jaebum’s car. “Yeah! It’s always exciting to explore new places with new friends.” They’ve known each other since freshmen years, but their friendship really bloomed lately. Somehow, Jinyoung wished that they’ve became like this long ago. It feels like the time left for them to actually make a well-established friendship is now short, since they’re only few semesters away from graduating. “I’m happy that we’re finally together…” Jaebum softly spoke, receiving a weird look from Jinyoung. “I mean, we’re friends and we get along well! It’ll be hard for me find another one like you.” He added, trying his best not to look at Jinyoung. He must hide this small, yet obviously sweet smile lingering on his lips.

Jinyoung chuckled a little, slouched a bit more, and stared at Jaebum with sleepy eyes. “There’s nothing special about me.” This statement was followed by a forced laugh that made Jaebum’s heart cave in. That moment, he realized that Jinyoung’s laughs have massive effects on him. “It will truly be hard for you to find someone like me, since everyone around you sparkles in such lustre. Finding a rock in a sea of diamonds is a hell of a task.” Those words were empty and filled with self-loathe, yet he tried his best to sound positive. Jaebum would never buy such pretention.

With a sigh, Jaebum beamed—the most beautiful thing that Jinyoung saw that night. No doubt, Jaebum remains to be the most beautiful being his eyes rested on so far. “But that rock means so much more than all of those diamonds combined.” And those words, that perfectly delivered verse, that’s the most beautiful thing he heard in a while. “I’d still pick that rock, over and over again.” He is not quite sure why Jaebum is making him feel all these strange feelings in just a single night, yet the type of odd that eventually becomes nice and beautiful. They’ve had more meaningful conversations than this, more than just silence and mellow music. More than rocks and diamonds. They’ve shared more vibrant smiles, more than just subtle beams in the dark as they passed through a typical dim avenue. They’ve just started spending time together for a few months now, but Jinyoung felt like he knew Jaebum all his life, and he still wants to know him more. This night is a beautiful one. Indeed.

Jinyoung can’t keep his mind on track as he comfortably sat with his back against the car’s door, hugging his knees, and letting the cold wind coming from Jaebum’s open window touch his heated skin. The car moves just right—not too slow, not too fast. “You are so good to me, Jae. All these time, you’ve been so, so good to me.” Jinyoung spoke subconsciously. It was sincere, and he swore he wanted to spill out the right words to express his gratitude but thinking straight happened to be a little too hard at the moment.

Jaebum reached out, placed his hand on top of Jinyoung’s. “You need to be good to yourself too, sunshine.” Aside from Mark, no one dared to call Jinyoung such names because he hates them. But this one, this 8-letter word that made his heart drop in a second, maybe he’ll let this pass for now… or for a long time.

 “Sunshine.” Jinyoung repeated, giggling in a low manner. He loved it.

Jaebum nodded as their fingers remained intertwined. He liked how Jinyoung reacted to it. “My only sunshine.”

There was no need for reciprocation, but when the younger glanced at Jaebum, there was a weird feeling in his chest that urged him to say something. However, he ended up in silence. Everything was beyond overwhelming and he wanted cry his heart out. Deep inside, there was a void that felt so full yet so empty. This foreign sensation is just too complex to understand so he decided to leave it there, unattended for a while. Perhaps holding Jaebum’s hard helped him get a grip on his emotions as well.

The trip went on. Along the way, Jinyoung had to break the forgotten clasp. Not that he got tired, but he wanted to connect to himself again. Jaebum respected this move with all his being. He loved the warmth of Jinyoung’s hand, but the man doesn’t belong to him. Jinyoung belongs to himself.

Along the way, despite of how perfect the situation is, Jinyoung realized that a portion of him still screams how something is not right. Instead of dodging his thoughts, he challenged himself to face it even though it might hurt like hell. The answers were pretty odd. First, he hated the fact that the sense of security embracing him at the moment feels so familiar. This kind of safety only creeps into his system every single night that Mark takes good care of him—of Jenny. Second, Jaebum’s words were so soothing, but Mark would mouth out more heart fluttering words when he’s with Jenny. And lastly, the way their hands fit each other was truly exceptional, yet the tiny gaps yell how this puzzle piece deserves a better piece to be perfect. He remembered how Mark would casually slip his hands to hold his hand on nights wherein they need to pretend—on nights when he needed to be Jenny.

Why must the world be so selfish? Jinyoung thought as he absentmindedly stared at the passing scenery outside the window. All that he ever wished for was to forget how Mark made him feel. Everything stabs him so deep, and he kept on wondering why must he experience such misery. It was obvious that Mark fell in love with Jenny, a person they made for revenge, and Jinyoung hated the fact that he’s being squeezed into this mess because knowing that his best friend’s willing to offer his heart of a girl they created out of intoxication is a ing nightmare. He cannot stop thinking about how Mark treats Jenny, how delicate he was with the girl, how affectionate and loving he becomes when they’re together. Jinyoung loved them all in silence. Yet this special kind of attention wasn’t made for him. This wasn’t from his lover too, but from his best friend. After what happened that night, Jinyoung knew that something will surely change.

“Breathe.” Suddenly, Jaebum spoke in the softest voice. Jinyoung wondered how Jaebum knew all those times he needed saving, including this one. If the man didn’t break the ear shattering silence, Jinyoung would probably start crying.

Instead of talking back, Jinyoung glanced at Jaebum who still got both of his eyes on the road. “Can I hold your hand?” he whispered. Jinyoung was aware that it’s no longer a question, but a blatant plea.

There were no words heard, just a warm hand tightly clutching onto Jinyoung’s hand as he finally lets go of a breath that’s been held in for so long. For the first time in his life, he felt never wanted to let go.

The night grew deeper and the streets turn a little unfamiliar for Jinyoung, a sign that they’re leaving the city. Jaebum would check on him whenever there’s a chance, and Jinyoung would just smile or flash a weird, funny expression to tell him he’s good. This entire set up was so new to him yet Jinyoung would be definitely lying if he said that he doesn’t like every second of it. The peace of mind that he started yearning for since the past days were slowly rushing into him, and it feels so pleasant.  With this man beside him, taking him as he is— no cover ups, no alter egos, no fake bonds—getting through this night without feeling sick to the core absolutely sounds possible.

It was a quarter past nine in the evening when they arrived. Ilsan looks divine, Jinyoung said to himself as he carefully scans every scenery that passes through the foggy car window. There were parks with beautiful lights, tall buildings, busy shopping districts, and families happily eating in restaurants. This place somehow resembles Seoul, but the vibe is different. Jaebum’s town lies away from the vibrant city which Jinyoung noticed as the streets started to take narrower paths. When the car stopped, Jinyoung instantly got out and observed the surroundings. This town doesn’t have much commercial establishments, there were old, cultural houses everywhere, the people are all smiles as they share home-cooked food and nice stories to their neighbours, all corners were decorated with flowers and different lanterns made by the children, and a lively music from the live band busking nearby keeps them entertained. Jinyoung didn’t have to think twice—he’d love to spend his lifetime in this place if he will be given a chance. This place is heaven!

“Jinyoung? Are you okay?” He was forced to stand back to his senses as Jaebum called him out. “Does the music make you dizzy? I’ll get the med—”

Before Jaebum could leave his side to get the pills, Jinyoung immediately grabbed his hand. “I’m fine.” He smiled and if only a person could physically transform into a puddle, Jaebum would totally be one. A thing that many people knew about Jinyoung that he himself doesn’t know is that his expressions say a lot about how he feels. It speaks for what his heart cannot utter. With that, Jaebum is hyperaware that the happiness of this man standing next to him, keeping his hand warm, is sincere. “This place…” Another beam, and Jaebum’s fragile heart did a somersault. “This is wonderful!” The glowing lights beautifully reflect on Jinyoung’s equally beautiful eyes.

“Glad you liked it.” Before they get glued into their spot, Jaebum started walking gently. Jinyoung followed, not breaking their hands. “We can stay in a quieter place if you want.” Suggested the older while smiling at some of his friends approaching their way.

Jinyoung shook his head, whined a little. Cute! Jaebum whispered. “Nah! It’s nice here!” He was too consumed with watching the constant changes in the festivities that he didn’t notice some of Jaebum’s pals. They all greeted their friend and left, giving the two boys more time together. It seems like they understood Jaebum’s need for privacy right away.

“I see you’re loving the view,” Jaebum softly said. “I really want to tour you around. Is that okay?”

This time, it’s Jinyoung’s turn to stay silent and let his actions do all the work. He pulled Jaebum as if he knows all the twists and turns of place. With a wide grin, they started walking through the sea of people.

As expected, there were people who came towards them. These are Jaebum’s relatives, friends, and acquaintances. They would greet and initiate a small talk. Jaebum would introduce Jinyoung to them as well. Jaebum took Jinyoung to the town plaza, where his family gathered to prepare a small feast for their family. There were hundreds of families in the area, all putting their special dishes and sweets on the table. Everyone looks so happy as they lined up and talked to each other. Every single person happens to know everyone! It was like a reunion, not just for each family, but for the entire community as well. This made Jinyoung’s heart so full. Sure, he got his own family, but he never experienced this kind of celebration with them. Especially now that his family puts the shop first, and his dad distances himself from his own son.

Jaebum dragged him to their table. “Everyone!” Jaebum shouted, successfully getting the attention of his family members, and some from other families too. They all hushed. Jinyoung was startled. He doesn’t know what will happen next, but this sounds sketchy. “This is Jinyoung,” Jaebum stared at him as if he’s the most alluring creature in the universe. With their hands still clasped and their cute little gestures as they roamed the area, many believed that they’re dating, well good lord, even Jaebum wishes the same. “…he’s from Seoul, originally from Jinhae and,” everyone giggled, anticipating silently. “…he is a special friend of mine.”

There were loud cheers and greetings from all corners of the place which made Jinyoung jittery. He never liked too much attention after all. “Should I say something?” he whispered, almost hiding his tall frame behind Jaebum. “It’s up to you, sunshine.”

It would be impolite if he stays silent. Few words won’t hurt. Nervously, he started talking. “Hello…I am Jinyoung, Jaebum’s friend from the university. I…I like this place a lot! The ambiance is so calming and relaxing. Thank you for the warm welcome!” Public speaking will never be my forte, Jinyoung thought. “Let’s enjoy the evening!”

The activities in the town plaza started after a few minutes. Jinyoung sat there with Jaebum and his family. His parents are nice, even his cousins. As the annual friendly sing-off between the families started, a little girl climbed up his lap and gave him a piece of sweet rice cake. “Oh baby! You can have it.” He mumbled, holding the girl to prevent her from falling. The kid just smiled. “For you!” she said before giggling. Such an angel!

“Thank you, but you can have it, little angel! You need to eat more so you can be tall!” He tried to talk in a way that would urge the kid to keep the rice cake for herself.

The little girl giggled louder, showing his two cute front teeth. “Tall like…like Uncle Jaebummie?”

Just as he was about to question the kid’s relation to Jaebum, the man of the hour arrived and lifted the kid off of Jinyoung’s lap. “I heard someone mentioned Uncle Jaebum’s name! Is that you, Lami?” Playfully, Jaebum pretended that he’s angry and ticked the little girl until she laughed so loud. “N-Not me!” she squeaked, trying to escape from Jaebum’s hold. She got out though and hugged Jinyoung. “So you’re asking for Uncle Jinyoung’s help now?” Lami just nodded and laughed. This kids really knows how to pull people together.

“Lami, eat the rice cake so you can defeat Uncle Jaebum!” As ordered, the kid obeyed. When Jaebum tried to tickle Jinyoung, Lami poked Jaebum’s sides in hopes to defeat his uncle and protect this new uncle that she met. Jaebum and Jinyoung tried to suppress their chuckles when Jaebum had to act like her niece defeated her in an instant. The entire scene looked so perfect. They were like a little family bickering and playing around with wide smiled plastered on their faces. For a second, Jaebum thanked fate for letting him experience this. He was so close to Jinyoung, the beautiful Park Jinyoung, and everything started moving in slow motion, even Lami’s existence was forgotten for a couple of counts, because at that point, Jinyoung only mattered.  The kid then left after a while and rushed to Jaebum’s mother.  

“I was surprised that she loved you.” Jaebum commented, taking an empty seat next to Jinyoung.

“You’re making it sound like I’m hard to love.” Jinyoung replied, partly annoyed.

“Not really. I love everything about you.” And the world stopped for the both of them. It slipped so smooth out of Jaebum’s mouth. However, there’s a very small time to save himself since the other’s still comprehending each letter of it. “I mean…honestly, you are nice and w-wonderful, so no doubt our little Lami loved you! That kid’s a bit picky when it comes to people.” Jaebum was stuttering, hoping that his stupid patch up worked. Jinyoung has all the qualities of a good listener, for sure he heard at least the key points of that statement. 

Luckily, Jinyoung didn’t overthink. He accepted Jaebum’s words and believed them completely. He’s not in the mood to over analyse things since he went here to unwind, not to carry another weight on his badly bruised back. “Your sister’s daughter?” he intrigued and earned a nod. “She’s lovely!”

The celebration went on. Jinyoung and Jaebum sat there and watched the different families take on the center stage with performances they have prepared for this event. Festivals in Jinhae are like this too, and Jinyoung remembered all the memories they made in the said city whenever they’re out of Seoul. Sitting here with a bunch of people he just met, enjoying their company, and watching all his senses get pleased by the aesthetic and culture of this place is such a nice breath for fresh air.

Abruptly, Jinyoung shot a soft glance at Jaebum who’s happily singing along to a song being played. He is indeed a hero. A savior who comes to the rescue even without a stress call. “Thank you so much for everything.” Jinyoung whispered, too low that Jaebum almost didn’t recognize.

Are we going soft hours now? “No need to thank me. Taking you here isn’t a hell of task though.” Jaebum smiled, fought the urge to hold Jinyoung’s hard and somehow succeeded. “I still feel guilty that I asked you to come here even though you’re not feeling well.”

But Jinyoung knew what exactly Jaebum wants…and avoids. He moved closer to the elder and placed his hand on top of Jaebum’s. All the inner battles Jaebum had a while ago turned useless in a blink.  Deep inside, Jinyoung knew what he said. As much as he wants to expound the amount of gratitude behind those words, he saved it for now. The night is still long for the both of them, and he can still find the perfect timing to thank him for all the miracles he did.

Jaebum knew how rare instances like night one occur. That’s why he wanted to thank destiny for giving him this once in a lifetime opportunity of having Jinyoung all to himself. Plus points since he’s taking his man out for a much needed break. Not that he’s taking advantage of the sadness eating up the other but knowing that he is steadily taking baby steps to make him feel better boosts Jaebum’s motivation meter. If the night calls for more efforts to pull out the rock in Jinyoung’s chest, then bring it on for Jaebum is determined to accomplish them all. ”Jinyoung,” Jaebum called amidst the loud background song.

“Yeah?” Replied the younger, still keeping their hands on place. “Let’s go somewhere else.” Suggested Jaebum. Jinyoung smirked but he looked so cute with that smug grin on his face. “Okay, but where is that ‘somewhere’ huh? Do you like…uhmmm…already have an exact place in mind?!” To be honest, Jinyoung is not the type who asks for all the information because damn, he isn’t as bland as everyone thinks and he’s actually up for surprises and bad decisions. See: His decision to be Park Jenny.

Jaebum frowned. “You make it sound like I’m not from Ilsan!” And ended his statement with little pout that make Jinyoung burst into laughter because this is the first time that the chic, boy-next-door, edgy Im Jaebum pursed his lips in front of him. It was beyond adorable. “I’m sorry, whinny pumpkin!” So he earned a nickname now? Whinny pumpkin? Since when did I looked like a Jack-O-Lantern? He wanted to raise his argument but seeing how Jinyoung laughed his heart out with his own words were enough to settle all the dismay.

On the other hand, Jinyoung was not really serious with the pumpkin stuff, yet watching how Jaebum blushed and stiffened was too amusing for him. Then a random thought hit him. “Mark was also shocked when I called him Penguin for the first time! We were having a snowball fight when I—” and another thought came in to stop him talking about Mark, their nicknames, and whatever happened that afternoon. It was not necessary in the first place. Jaebum doesn’t want to hear it either. Yet Jinyoung allowed it to gush out. There was a pang somewhere within his heart. He remembered the person he wants to forget.

Please leave me alone tonight, Mark.

Good thing Jinyoung stopped halfway or Jaebum would cover his ears and save himself from the agony. Truth be told, he’s jealous of Mark, and of how he can get too close to Jinyoung without being pushed away, of how Jinyoung puts him first in all situations at all times, of the countless days and nights they’ve spent together, of their relationship, and many other matters which includes Tuan. It took him one glance to understand that what Jinyoung and Jackson share is different from what Jinyoung and Mark has. He might not know the real score between their friendship, nonetheless, he will always be jealous. “Shall we go now?” Jaebum asked, lightly tugging Jinyoung’s hand. With a light nod from the other, they left the town plaza.

With Jaebum expertly taking the lead, Jinyoung became a good follower. No one tried to talk too much, they settled with small conversations which calmed their raging hearts. Jinyoung can’t deny the fact that after talking about Mark like a forbidden topic, his emotions flipped. For now, he can only wish that Jaebum would walk a little faster so they can start destressing in a brand new location. But as they go further, Jinyoung felt the weight get heavier. That night really crushed him—Mark’s touches still burn beneath his skin, the taste of his lips remains, and his presence is severely missed and craved. Jinyoung hated that he’s feeling all of these when in fact he must be mad for being treated as a toy all along.

They entered a house, and before Jinyoung could ask who lives in it, a huge family portrait hanged on the white wall of the tidy living room revealed that they’re in the Ims’ residence. Their house is simple, but Jinyoung thinks that this is so much better compared to their house in Seoul. This one still got that cultural ambiance which makes it unique. It was empty when they arrived, of course it is because everyone is at the town plaza. Jaebum pulled him upstairs and headed towards one of the rooms.

Jinyoung found himself sitting on a bed and locked inside the room with his pal. He absentmindedly stared at the huge Marvel posters on the wall. “I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable.” Jaebum said, taking out some things from his wooden drawer. “Huh? What do you mean?” Questioned Jinyoung. He’s totally clueless, but by analysing their set up, maybe he got a hint. “Oh. About us being locked in a room?!” and Jaebum looked apologetic when he faced Jinyoung for a nod. 

“Seriously?!” Jinyoung chuckled, yet he is really stunned with Jaebum’s thinking. Such a gentleman we have here. “Unlock the door if you want to.” Jaebum suggested as he went back to his drawer, but Jinyoung didn’t touch the knob. Instead, he stood up and roamed around the room. There were lots of comic books, both Marvel and DC comics. At one side, a glass cabinet with numerous action figures and a rack of PlayStation CDs on the other. There was a guitar, a skateboard, a ton of cat pictures pinned on a small corkboard, and an antique vinyl record player.

“You have a nice room!” Jinyoung commented, looking through a pile of vinyl records.

Jaebum sat on the bed and watched Jinyoung. “Thank God my aunt cleaned this beforehand or else you’ll literally see this place as a dumpsite.” And they laughed. “Told her I’ll visit for the annual festival. I still use this room every time I come for a visit. Spent so many years of my childhood in this room, and it brings back a lot of memories when the adult Im Jaebum sleeps here.”

Jinyoung pulled a record out before responding. “There really is some sort of pain which we carry as we grow older. Adulting !” and Jaebum agreed. He noticed that Jinyoung has a vinyl on his hand. “Go ahead, Jinyoung.” He pointed at the record and Jinyoung instantly placed it on the player. Jaebum assisted him a little since he’s not familiar with how it works. Jaebum turned the lights off and turned his bedside lamp on. The room is cold and dim, which they both liked. Their tired systems need to relax and hopefully, the room’s set up will help. “Are you okay with this?”

As they sat on the bed and anticipated the music, Jinyoung answered. “Dude, I appreciate that you constantly check on me, but I am okay! I’m feeling a lot better now, and this doesn’t make me uncomfortable. You are a good friend, I trust you.” As he spilled the final word, the first song begun. They stayed silent as they listened to song being played. “Jinyoung,” Jaebum called and the younger eagerly replied. “Hmmm?”

“Thank you for letting me into your life.”

“Wow! What’s with the sudden drama, emo king!?” Not that Jinyoung isn’t taking it seriously, he just wants to keep the mood light.

Jaebum sighed. “You have no idea how much I value what we have right now.” It’s heart-warming to hear such words from Jaebum. As someone who’s admired by the entire campus for every trait he owns, it’s amazing that he still finds solace in Jinyoung’s presence. It was clear that the elder is friendly, but he doesn’t make deep connections with everyone he interacts with. He has few people in his circle, and Jinyoung’s one of those. “Can I….Can I hold your h-hand?”

This time, Jinyoung hid his hands inside his pocket. “No.”

“Oh. Okay. I’m sorry if that made you unc—”

With a low laugh, the other abruptly grabbed Jaebum’s trembling hands and securely interlaced their fingers. “No, you are not making me feel unpleasant or something, and yes, you can hold my hand as much as you want.” Jaebum wanted to explode at that point because Jinyoung definitely knows how to tug his strings to the maximum length. As a response, he only held the other’s hand tighter, not wanting to let go of it anytime soon. It’s a rare opportunity that he must grab. No one will know if this will be the last time that he’ll be having those beautiful pair of hands against his.

But not talking to Jinyoung is a bad way to spend this night. Twenty minutes before 12 midnight, they must make the most out of their time. “You can’t blame me, Jinyoung. I’m aware that not everyone’s fine with this kind of intimacy. I hope you get my point.” Jinyoung nodded as he lightly rocked their hands according to the rhythm. “It’s 2019! This generation acknowledges men holding hands. And for the record, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I personally think that it’s a nice way of showing how much you care for a person. You hold their hand because you want them to know that you will always be there to reach out when the entire world balls their fists against them.”

It is true, Jaebum will never let go of that hand even if he could. Even if Jinyoung decides to let go. He will still be there to reach out. “You do this with your other friends?” Jinyoung stopped for a second to think about his friends. He got a couple of friends, but his closest are Jackson and Mark. I thought about Mark again! He mentally slapped himself. Dumb , Nyoung!

“Hmmm….Wang isn’t the clingy type, but he loves giving warm hugs when we’re down.” He doesn’t want to talk about Mark, and he hoped that Jaebum will not dig into that little omission. But the other didn’t let it slip away. He launched another follow up inquiry. “What about Mark?” Jaebum’s voice was careful and low, as if he was saying a scared word that must be cautious of.

This requires a lot of courage and composure to talk about Mark. He never though that this trip which is supposed to make him forget about his misery will open more wounds. He recalled all the nights they’ve shared, with him as Jenny or as Jinyoung. They’ve held hands so many times—at school, at the movies, under the table, at Jinyoung’s bedroom, at Minah’s party, at Mark’s house, at the amusement park, inside the taxis they rode, at the rooftop and many more places. They’ve done more than holding each other’s hands. It makes him feel safe, loved, strong. It takes him back home. All of these happened between him and Mark, and Jinyoung hated the fact that his heart caves in just by thinking how similar Mark treats Jinyoung and Jenny. Maybe I miss him…, no. Please, no.

“Jinyoung?” Jaebum snapped his fingers in front of Jinyoung. He spaced out again. “Oh! Yeah…your question a-about M-Mark!” he stuttered and Jaebum gave him a weird look. “Yes, we usually do this. He’s a very touchy person. He likes holding hands, cuddling, hugging, and other things. It doesn’t really bother me. He’s close to my heart, like a part of my family.”

 This is when digging into details turn into digging into his own grave of regrets. Another reason to envy Tuan. Enough of this. They must divert the topic into something else since both of them cannot even tackle it without keeping their feelings intact. Jaebum started to talk. “So, how is it going with Yerin?” And he just opened another topic that could potentially break him.

Jinyoung scoffed. “What about her?”

“You like Yerin, right? Any plans of asking her out?” Jaebum swore he needs to keep his mouth shut for his own good sometimes.

Fortunately, the curse of hearing unwanted answers ended there. “I used to have a crush on her. But after what happened at the exchange student application, dude I stopped. Besides, it’s just a little crush. It’s not that serious.”

The song changed, and it gave a different vibe. When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating.  “How about any other girl in the campus? Jisoo from the college of music seems to be interested with you.” Jaebum remembered that one afternoon when Jisoo approached him and asked for Jinyoung’s number. “Don’t worry, I didn’t give your number. I told her to go and ask by herself.” and they laughed. Jisoo is a nice girl, but Jinyoung sees her as a junior. Nothing more. Going back to Jaebum’s question, “There are a lot of beautiful faces in the university but—” Jinyoung kept his tone low, obviously not excited about answering it.

But as Jaebum interrupted, “They are not your type? You’re not looking for anyone right now? The one you like doesn’t like you b—"

“I’m in a relationship!” It was out of impulse, or pressure, or maybe annoyance too. “. Holy !” He spoke, pulling his hands out of Jaebum’s hold. Jinyoung was beyond shocked with what he just said. First of all, he’s 101% single! That relationship he has with Mark is just an act to make Minah feel ter than ! Or he is indeed in a relationship because damn, he’s also Jenny! The words and actions that comes off him are not made by his female version, but by himself alone! This is confusing as hell. He must close this and might as well advice Jaebum to stop triggering his poor heart. “I…listen to me, Jaebum! I’m not dating anyone. Studies were and will always be my top priority.”

“Okay! I believe you!” But Sigmund Freud didn’t propose the idea of Freudian Slips for nothing. Bottomline is Jaebum accepted his last statement simply because it’s the most convent for the both of them, but he remained curious on what made Jinyoung say that he’s in a relationship before taking it back. But what made him disappointed is the fact that Jinyoung’s hands didn’t make their way back on where they were before. And asking him to hold his hands again doesn’t seem to be a good idea for now.

A familiar song played and Jaebum sighed. When She Cries by Restless Heart. “I like that song!” Jinyoung commented. There was a deep, long sigh before Jaebum decided to talk again. “My dad sang that to my mom when he was still courting her.” There was a subtle beam on his lips that warmed Jinyoung’s heart. All of a sudden, Jaebum adjusted his position on the bed, he lied down and propped himself up with his elbows. He stares at the ceiling with the same smile that he flashed seconds ago. “Mom’s first boyfriend was the worst, and their relationship was toxic. So, when dad arrived, he made sure that mom will never ever cry herself to sleep again. He helped my mom get up and made her regain herself. No more pain, no more tears, no more betrayal, only unconditional love and infinite care. And there, he became the best husband and father in the world!” He looked so happy stating every word of it.

Jinyoung copied Jaebum’s position, yet he lied on his stomach and pushed himself up by putting his hands against his chin. One’s looking up, the other’s looking down. Such a romantic position if you were to ask one of them. “That’s nice! I hope all men are like your dad.”

With that pair of captivating eyes, Jaebum stared at Jinyoung. A stare that made their world silent.  “I want to make my love the happiest forever.” With much sincerity, it’s very easy to say that Jaebum’s future partner in life will be very lucky.

“I bet Mr. Im is very proud of his son. Doing so well in his studies, athletic and fit, a very good singer, polite and well-mannered, insanely gifted with socializing and enchanting everyone, and now, a perfect husband material! What else can you not do?” Jinyoung asked. Of course, Jaebum remains to be one of the most sought-after personalities in the university. He can do anything, be anyone, that’s why everyone likes him—in various ways and forms. But being naturally down to earth, he uses people’s nice words as motivation to do better. He lets it go into him, but it never made him arrogant or conceited.

As the wonderful song came to an end, Jaebum rapidly stood up and gently tugged Jinyoung’s hand. “Come, I’ll introduce you to him.”

As they both rushed downstairs, Jinyoung wondered what made him catch the same level of adrenaline as Jaebum. He felt the same kind of energy, excitement, and anticipation. He noticed that his friend stopped by the refrigerator to fetch two bottles of cold beer. They left the house so fast, Jinyoung wasn’t even able to greet Jaebum’s uncle who dropped by the house to get some more food.  As they run out hand in hand, Jinyoung noticed that they took another path that doesn’t lead to the town plaza where the entire clan actively participates in the festivities. That was quite questionable, and he wanted to ask Jaebum about it, yet he just followed. Few streets are almost empty now. But some are still alive and filled with people as events go on.

When Jaebum stopped in front of a beach, the other knew that the following conversations can bring out all the things they’ve been trying to cover.  It was almost 1 AM and there was no one on the shore, just the tamed waves and the cool breeze joining them tonight. “Welcome to my safe place.” Jaebum declared, proudly spreading his arms. Jinyoung turned around and laid his eyes on every single part of the view.  The moonlight shines upon them, simply adding a dramatic yet romantic vibe. He loves being on beaches and all his close friends are aware of it. He remembered Mark again, and the countless instances wherein they happily wasted their time in beaches. Mark would love this place. Jinyoung thought, followed by a deep sigh. As he continued to space out, a warm hand graced on his cheek. “You are safe here.”

Jinyoung forced a smile. “I know. From the moment you took he me out of our house, I know I’ll be safe for the rest of the night.” Instead of talking too much, Jaebum sat on the cold sand. Jinyoung did the same, eyes focused on the small waves coming towards them “By the way, where’s your dad?” Seems like Jaebum forgot their main reason of leaving the room. Jinyoung looked behind them to see if anyone’s coming, but no one aside from the both of them were there. They own this place for now.

Jaebum handed him one bottle, while he opened the other and gulped the bitter taste of liquor. “Dad, this is Jinyoung, he’s my friend.” That time, Jaebum was looking at the ocean, and Jinyoung sat there, perplexed. Is it possible to be too drunk from one gulp of beer? Jinyoung asked himself. This is weird, not in a scary way, but weird in the sense that he doesn’t understand why Jaebum just called his dad while keeping his sight on the water. Is he supposed to rise up from the waves for a grand entrance? His dad is not Aquaman, right? “I took him here to unwind and relax.” Added Jaebum, smiling as he took another shot of the cold beer.

He cannot hold this any longer.  There were countless things to ask but the entire situation’s complexity halts him from speaking his mind. “Jaebum, wha—”

“His last wish was to throw half of his ashes in this beach.” Jaebum interrupted with a noticeably hurt tone. He glanced at Jinyoung, who looked very shocked, and he nodded before the younger could talk.  “He died when I was 15. Liver complications.”

This is a side of Jaebum that many of the people in the university doesn’t see. He rarely talks about his family, but discovering the dynamics between every member in just a single night says a lot. This is too much. He wondered if he’s in the right place to know this; to see Jaebum in a different light. “I’m so sorry.” Jinyoung mumbled, launching himself on Jaebum for a tight hug.

“It’s okay. I should’ve told you earlier and not this way at least. Forgive me if this shocked you.” Jaebum replied, embracing him back. This feels so right, so nice. Jinyoung was one of the very few people who knew about his dad. Flashbacks of their unforgettable days together bloomed in his mind, and he teared up a little. Jinyoung sensed it, so he pulled from the hug. “N-No! It’s okay, Jae! You don’t have to apologize.”

Jaebum smiled and wiped his tears. He kept his eyes on the waves. “The tulips that my mom gets from your shop are for the other half of the ashes which we have in Seoul. Dad loves buying tulips and carnations for mom before. Now, it’s my mom’s turn to buy him flowers.” Mark’s words made sense now. That morning when they talked about passion and purpose, when Jinyoung said that he’s no longer reaping any sort of happiness from the things he does in the shop. After all he heard, serving these people who find comfort in the things found in their humble business will no longer be just another weekend activity, but a brand-new way of bringing joy to their hearts.

Jinyoung hated the fact that Mark’s words always cut deep within him. Most of all, he hated the fact that his head screams Mark’s name too loud and he wanted to cry. His words were always a mixture of medicine and poison, too hot to touch yet too cold to handle, soothing but striking, bold but comforting. He loved how it makes him feel so invincible in certain nights. But he must forget about the way these words made his head spin because at their current stand, everything that involves Mark must be eliminated for now.

In the midst of being lost in his thoughts, Jaebum placed his hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder and gave him a light pat. “Jinyoung,” he called, in a way that surely triggers the emotions that are being repressed for a while. “I am here. I’ll listen. I’ll be a shoulder to cry on. You can hit me, yell at me, do anything you want! I’ll be whoever, whatever you need.” Jaebum knew what will happen next and seeing how Jinyoung lightly trembled helped him to prepare.

“It’s okay. I just need to rest.” However, the other still lied despite Jaebum’s hints and mentions of support. He doesn’t know if he must talk about it to someone who’s not Mark or Jackson. After all, Jaebum is not aware of the agreement.

But seeing the person he loves slowly destruct himself is something that Jaebum couldn’t handle. His dad taught him the importance of putting someone else’s needs above yours, and as of now, Jaebum doesn’t care if he’ll end up confessing his feelings for Jinyoung as long as he’ll be there to take away the pain. He cupped Jinyoung’s face and stared right into his eyes. “Your eyes.” He smiled, admiring the beautiful curves of his face. “I love those eyes for they were always filled with color and undecipherable mystery, your soft gazes puts me at peace. But looking at you right now wrecks me because the splendour that used to lead me back home disappeared.”

Jinyoung bit his lips too hard that it could bleed if his teeth dug harder. “Jaebum…” it came out as a whisper, voice trembling. As predicted, the young man started shedding tears uncontrollably.

There’s no need for Jaebum to pull him in because Jinyoung launched himself to the other. He was warmly welcomed by the comforting embrace. “Let that out of your chest.” Jaebum softly spoke. His hands carefully drew circles on Jinyoung’s back. On the other hand, Jinyoung loudly sobbed on his shoulder. “Cry it all out. I will not leave, Jinyoung. Lay it all on me, okay?” There was no coherent response, yet the crying got stronger. If only Jaebum could pull out all the pain off of Jinyoung’s heart, he’ll do it. If only he could make the pain his, he’ll do it. If only he could carry all of Jinyoung’s burdens on his back, he will carry them until the other feels better. Jaebum has his limitations too, but for the person he treasures the most, he will cross his own line.  “You don’t have to carry all these alone.”

In a split second, Jinyoung escaped from the hold. Jaebum wondered if he felt weird or uneasy. “I feel so used, Jaebum! I can’t even look at myself at the mirror without being disgusted with my own skin.” It hurts to talk about this. However, Jinyoung took the risk since turning back will only lead to greater frustration. He doesn’t know how to talk about this without being caught. Jaebum must not discover his secrets because too many people are involved with it—many feelings are at stake. True, he hated his own skin after the incident. All because he knew that he wanted it, both times they had their bodies against each other, and he allowed himself to get carried away. He’s disgusted, not with the act nor the idea of it, but to himself since he did it with his best friend. A person whom he considers as the other half of his soul.

“You are perfect, Jinyoung. I don’t know what happened, but don’t ever think that it lessened your worth.” It kind of gave Jaebum a hunch, yet he didn’t think it too much. He doesn’t know even a bit of it so better not interfere. What he just heard made him sad and angry. How can someone so heartless make Jinyoung hate himself?! That was cruel!

He popped the cap of his beer bottle and sipped. “I just can’t believe I did something that could possibly end what we built for the long time. All I wanted was to be the person he needs.”  Jaebum’s ears perked at the pronouns. He? Who is HE? Again, Jaebum dodged it all off. He’s there to be a good friend, not a nosy individual who sticks his nose on matters that doesn’t involve him at all.

“And you were there for him, right? Isn’t that enough?”

Jinyoung covered his face with his palms. He looks so messy, a beautiful kind of mess. “Jaebum, I was there for him every single day, sharing with the laughter, little victories, disappointment and tears. But after what happened, I don’t know what ‘enough’ really means for us now. I don’t want to lose him, not this way!” He sounded so disappointed and confused. The person Jinyoung is pertaining to must be very important to him because he will not stress himself this much if he’s just another colleague. “Jinyoung, sometimes we do more than bare minimum for the people we value the most.” Replied Jaebum.

There was a brief silence accompanied by a thicker breeze of air. It seems like there was something that Jinyoung was trying to hide yet finding a way to spurt it out. Nonetheless, he still went for it. After getting more of the booze, Jinyoung spoke a little more. “After that night, I questioned a lot of my decisions, as well as my feelings. Imagine successfully catching people in your trap, but at the end, you also fell into the trap you’ve made. I made a fool out of myself. Ma—” Wait. What? Jinyoung snapped back to his senses. What the hell?! He almost dropped Mark’s name! “Just thinking about how he stared right into my soul that night, how he made me drop by defences to let him in, and that damn face he made when he told me everything is a ing mistake…” He tried to hold his tears, but it was completely useless. “It shatters me to pieces.”

As his words turn bolder, the evidences increased. Jaebum doesn’t know but hearing all of these makes his heart hurt. The mere fact that Jinyoung said he let his defences down for someone, stared right into each other’s souls, and all these misunderstanding which involves their feelings gives a framework on what the real story is. “What prevents you from reconciling with him?” he questioned.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m too afraid to confront my own feelings and of course, him too. I need more time to think.” Responded Jinyoung. There are a lot of matters to consider and he doesn’t want to rush things especially now that nothing’s falling into place. Jaebum sighed and held Jinyoung’s hand. “If you want to keep him forever, you’ll find a way to do it, no matter how hard things are.”

It was inevitable to think about Mark now that Jinyoung laid all his worries. Mark was probably home at the moment, watching his favorite TV show or playing video games. Jinyoung imagined his best friend wearing a wide smile, not even bothered by what happened…by the mistake they both committed. Damn, it was painful. “You know, I wonder if I’m the only one who’s hurting. I wonder if his heart breaks like mine too.”

Jaebum smiled. If he learned something from loving someone in silence, here it is. “Sometimes, it doesn’t really matter if the pain is solely for you or not. That pain you are feeling right now is a sign of how brave you are. You managed to face the war, and earned a scar by fighting fair…by fighting with your heart. You are hurt because you allowed yourself to feel, to be human, and you still gave your best until the end. It’s just that not all battles end victoriously and at times, the pain is not equally distributed. And that’s not your fault, Jinyoung.”

Those words may not heal all the wounds, but they will help in letting Jinyoung face the truth for he is currently blinded by the complexity of the situation. He gave Jaebum a small beam after drying his tears. “You always know the right words to say.”

“Because I want to make you happy.” As simple as that, the other genuinely replied.

Jinyoung chuckled before placing his head on his friend’s shoulder. “Thank you.” The waves brush on their toes, and it made him calm. Jaebum leaned into his touch. “I know this is not the right time to tell you but, I want to take care of you.” The nervousness in Jaebum’s system vanished as he suddenly felt so brave for no reason. Maybe seeing how bad Jinyoung’s condition in fuelled him unconsciously.

“What do you mean? You are already taking care of me now, aren’t you?”

Jaebum took a deep breathe. No more time to go back now. “Let me bring back the sparkle in your eyes.” He tightened his hold on Jinyoung’s hand. Jinyoung doesn’t want to overanalyse things, but he is certain that Jaebum has nice intents for he is a such a wonderful friend. As of now, he gave the safest answer he can generate. “I get your point and trust me, I appreciate your intensions. Maybe we can talk about this when things are back to normal. I just can’t deal with more matters right now.”

Of course, he understood that Jinyoung just can’t hold on such things right now. He can’t bombard him with his feelings when he doesn’t even know if Jinyoung’s into men or not, if he’s really single or not, and more. Jaebum is willing to wait. “It’s okay, Jinyoung. Just let me take care of you. That’s all I ask. We can talk about it when you’re ready.”

Jinyoung beamed and answered. “Thank you.”

 “How many more Thank Yous must I hear from you, my sunshine?” Jaebum wrapped an arm around Jinyoung ang pulled him closer. It’s such a blessing that Jinyoung is not feeling uneasy with all that’s happening between them. After all, he trusts Jaebum a lot.

“Tired of it?” the other teased. 

He shook his head and giggled. “Nah. But can I get a hug from the most beautiful creature in this city tonight?” As requested, Jinyoung gave him a warm embrace. His hero saved him again. A huge thorn was pulled off his chest, and although some thorns are still there, he’s thankful that the pain decreased. Not being able to open up about his difficulties bigtime. Massive thanks to Jaebum for the endless understanding and support. “You looked so cute earlier, crying messily with snot and all.”

Jinyoung moved away, embarrassed. “Hey!” he said. Jaebum laughed and pacified his friend. Out of the blue, Jaebum pecked on Jinyoung’s forehead. It was so fast and Jinyoung didn’t even had the chance to react. He wondered if Jaebum is this friendly to everyone. They both chugged on their beers as they tried to push a tiny bit of awkwardness away. “Everything will be alright, Jinyoung. Trust me”

Still hoping for the same, Jinyoung nodded and rested his tired bones on Jaebum as they hugged for another time. “I hope so, dude.”

 They stayed in that position for a while before settling back to their places. It’s getting really cold, and Jinyoung’s outfit didn’t help in combating the chilling sensation. He’s getting drowsy too, both from fatigue and the beer. He stretched his body and unintentionally faced on the right side of the beach. His eyes landed on a man standing few meters away from them. As Jinyoung stared at him, his heart started to throb crazily. The man looked so tired and confused. He squinted a little more, hoping to get a good glimpse on his face. And there he recognized the person how owns those sharp eyes, milky skin, and perfectly curved lips. “M-M-Mark?!” Jinyoung stuttered. Why the hell is he here?!

 “What is it?” Jaebum asked when he noticed that Jinyoung was close to freaking out.

“I saw Mark!” He replied and looked at Jaebum. But when Jinyoung glanced back to where he saw the man, the space was now empty. Mark ran away as fast as he could. Jinyoung stood up despite of the wobbly legs he got from sitting too long. His eyelids are now pooling with tears ready to slip out anytime. He must find Mark. On the other hand, Jaebum was lost. He doesn’t understand a thing. Why would Mark Tuan be here? And most importantly, is that man really Mark? Jinyoung’s half drunk, half drained, and a portion sick, so it’s hard to rely on his senses.  “Huh? Wh—" he was about to interrogate the younger but Jinyoung sprinted away.

“I’ll be back, Jaebum!”

As Jinyoung followed the footsteps imprinted on the sand, his hopes to find Mark intensified. If he must search the entire city just like what he did when Mark ran from home, he will. His best friend may not need him right now, but Jinyoung knew that somewhere deep inside him, he is yearning for Mark.