JIN

"But I mean, come on what am I meant to do with all this? I really don't know where to start." No response. I turned to Jung, who's lying behind me - we agreed that he shouldn't be called Jungkook but he didn't want to go by his own name, either. I suggested Kookie and was met with a pillow to the face. Jung it is.

We're in my room now - the only room without tin walls. Whenever I walk in, I end up automatically wearing white clothes without changing. The room itself is whitewashed and all the things I used to keep in it to make it mine are gone. Only my bed, a couple of lamps, a table and a clock on the wall remain. I don't know what's the point of the clock, though. It's stuck and it's filled to about halfway with cherry blossoms that never wilt and the bird stays hanging out. Instead of a cuckoo, it's a crow.

"Me either." My palms face skywards to ask why. He sits up. "I didn't say I was a good guide, shut up. It's different for everyone. Really, all it comes down to is watching them and somehow finding peace from it. Then ah-buh-bye to Jinnie."

"What about them?"

"What about them? They're not dead, they will find their own soon enough." My stomach turned at the thought that they'd forget about me one day. Continue growing, finding jobs, having kids. Being uncles to each others' kids. I won't be there. Jung rolled his eyes. Of course he doesn't get it.

"Aish. Don't sulk. If you were paying attention to the window, you'd see finding their own won't be any time soon. You have to be selfish and focus on yourself here, if you ever want to see them again for real."

Still, the sting of being left behind is there. The view from the window turns muddled and then becomes clear again. I walk up to it to see a  bathroom.
The door bangs open and Hoseok walks in. He looks horrible. Switching on the light, his pale self staggers somewhat drunkenly towards me. My breath hitches. He's looking right at me, at least that's what it looks like. From the way he's touching his own face and the scrutinizing expression he has on, I am looking out from his mirror.

Limbo's got eyes everywhere in the living world in the form of windows, glasses, mirrors and even through water. I'm kind of dissapointed he can't see me, they never do.

He reaches up and my view slides to the left until I'm left staring at bathroom tiles. I hear the shakes of a bottle of pills. He's hungover? He takes out more than a few, gulps them down dry and places the bottle back. But I hear another bottle being taken out and the shakes come again. He turns on the tap and slurps some water along with the new pills. This goes on for some time: shake, slurp, gulp. Shake, slurp, gulp.

The final bottle empties it's contents down the sink, the empty shell clattering along with the rush of the water. He roars and cuts his hands through the water, splashing it and scattering pills everywhere. The mirror is slammed roughly back into place.

He's still for a second, then he begins to push and pull at his face vigourously. When he's done with that, he examines his body; taking off his shirt to poke at his ribs, raking fingers against his arms, chest, shoulders. They leave a trail of bright red marks. He slams the mirror with a palm as if to vent out at me and stalks out. Quick thuds of footsteps draw me back and I see him drop before the toilet. I quickly draw the curtains as he sticks two fingers down his throat.

Jung walks back in with two sodas. He points at my face as I accept the drink. Bringing my other hand up, I realize I'd been crying. This is the first time the window has let me see something like this. At least with Jungkook, Taehyung came to save him. And he wasn't harming himself. I want to tell myself it's not real. But seeing it made me put two and two together.

Hoseok is one of the brightest people I know and to see this is just too much. I never knew he was in such anguish. And for how long? I wonder. I've seen him down pills before - for stress, he said, to keep my energy up, he said. He took them right in front of my face, how did I not make the connection?

The way his fingers lingered on his stomach also got me going. I thought back to the times when he'd buy the biggest meal of us all and almost always ended up starting food fights. Whenever I'd bake for him just because, he'd scrunch his nose and politely decline with a saccharine smile. You spoil me too much hyung! Let's give it to the kids next door, yeah?

The constant work outs at the gym on top of intense dance sessions at the studio. Having nothing but a smoothie for lunch everyday. Never joining in to sneak a bite of mine like the others do. Brushing us off on the weekends for his runs. Stupid as I was, I just thought he was being healthy.

Jung is awkwardly patting my back as I continue to whimper at my foolishness. How well do I really know Hoseok? Any of them? How am I meant to find peace if I keep seeing them like this? I can't wallow any longer as the curtains draw themselves open again, the view muddling to rid me of a spewing Hoseok.