I left Seoul with so many regrets. 

           How I wish I could turn back time and apologize to him. How I wish I could turn back time and stay by his side. But it was far too late now. Inside my heart were regrets and sorrow of that day. I was angry at myself for not being able to apologize. But what all I did was stay frozen in place. 

           The mere sight of him turning his back to me so I could not see his tears was already painful enough to make me cry. His tremblings parting words, so cold and yet so warm. What kind of friend am I? I just let this friendship crumble down right in front of me. 

           Two weeks of moving into my parents’ house was two weeks of agony and aggravation. It was supposed to be a happy phase of my life, being together with my new family and all. I was supposed to enjoy and relax with the company of my new mom, father and brother. And yet, I was in great despair and regret. 

           I would try to laugh and smile with my family sometimes, but my brain was just all over places. I might have left my mind in Seoul for everything I was thinking about was the person that I left in Seoul. How was he doing? Was he eating well? Was he attending practices and schedules? Was he happy? Such question ran wild in my mind. 

           It was not easy to go back to Seoul. I’ve already cancelled my contract on my apartment and I have nothing to go back to. I also didn’t want to disappoint my family after promising I’d spend my time with them, in the province. I just didn’t know what to do. How I wish I could be in two places at once. 

           Months had passed and it seemed like with time, my wounds were healing. I thought about him less, and almost forgot him. No more sleepless nights and no more breakdowns in the bathtub. It almost felt like, he didn’t exist. While I was getting closer and closer to my family, he went farther away from me. 

           I was enjoying my life with my family. I was now a cashier at a convenience store. Although the pay was not good, I was helping my parents even just for a little bit. We were, after all, making up for the time that I was away from them. My parents were also  encouraging me to find my love here and get married. 

           Who knows? My future is uncertain. But what I knew was that I was happy, wasn’t I? 

XoxoX

           It was already 2015 and months had since then passed since I left Seoul. 

           Today was my parents’ wedding anniversary. My mother knocked on my door, clad in her beautiful dress in a teal color. The color perfectly complimented her skin tone. She was a radiating beauty. Mom, up there in heaven, I know you’re watching over me. And I know that you’re happy for ke and dad. 

           “Wow, you look very beautiful, mom,” I told her, opening my door to my room wide. “Dad might fall in love with you, again!” I joked, hugging her tightly in my arms. She was only a couple of  years older and she could pass as my sister. But she has that motherly love that calms me. 

           “Are you sure you’re not coming with us?” she asked me, pulling away from the hug. I shook my head with a smile. It was their tenth anniversary, after all. They should celebrate it together, only the two of them. “Well then, can I ask you to do my makeup?” she asked, and I felt something stirred within me. 

           Of course, my mom only wanted to looked lovely for their anniversary day. She just wanted me to do her makeup, being the professional that I was. “S-sure.”

XoxoX

           It had been such a long time since I last applied makeup on someone. Even I, myself, didn’t wear makeup on a daily basis anymore. The terror of going back to something you quit on. But I didn’t want to refuse my mom. So I did. 

           I opened a new package of eyeliner. I was hoping the product haven’t dried up yet. It’s been in the storage for months, after all. With constant shaking to get the ink out, I flickered the pen on my mother’s eyelids. And I remembered the many times I applied eyeliner on him. He charmed so many fans, earning the title of “eyeliner guy.”

           My mother agreed to line her waterline. And I was reminded of the day we first met, the day we first talked. I was testing his patience because he insisted it’d be fine to stab a pencil liner on his eye. The day he taught me that it’s alright to persist, sometimes. 

           While rummaging through my makeup brushes I saw my body paint palette. And I remembered, that one day, when I painted falling leaves onto his neck. He painted a message on the back of my hand. He said, “Thank you. And please take care of yourself.” And the day after, I got sick and he took care of me. 

Now I know why I quit on makeup. Flashbacks from yesterday continue to haunt me. It was a lie to say I’ve forgotten about him. Every now and then, memories that I shared with him, would play in my mind. I would always, always, remember you. 

And I would never ever forget my regrets.  

XoxoX

           “Ba-bye, mommy!!” my younger brother waved his hands while my parents were getting inside the car. They looked like a young couple, didn’t they? My mother waved back before the car drove off. And I was to take care of my brother for the whole day. 

XoxoX

            After washing the dishes I went to the living room to play with my brother. When I walked in, however, he wasn’t playing with his toys. He was watching a show and was sitting comfortably on the couch. “Let’s watch together!” he invited me and I sat down next to him. 

            My younger brother’s been watching a lot of cartoons lately. This one, I’ve seen him watch a lot of times. It’s quite different from the norm, however. This one seemed to have a plot and wasn’t a bunch of scenarios thrown in together. It’s apparently about the four elements and having the power to wield these elements. He said it’s called “Avatar” but whenever I hear it, I think of the movie with blue creatures. 

            “Earth is the element of substance.” That sounded so familiar to my ears. I had a brief moment of déjà vu because those words, I’ve heard them before. I swear I’ve heard them somewhere, sometime, in my life. 

            I got it!

            That was the question that caught me off guard. It was his baffling question that just came out of the blue. It was his parting words for me. 

            “The people of the Earth Kingdom are diverse and strong. They are persistent and enduring.” 

            Was that why he asked me that question? Because he wanted to find words that would console him?  Come to think of it, if I have answered him back then, with these powerful words, it would changed everything. If I would have cheered him up and told him to be strong, none of these would happen. None of it. 

            That’s my biggest regret. Being unable to answer his question that would have cheered him up and told him to fight. Back then, while he turned his back away from me, my voice was lost. I wanted to say that I was there for him, we were there for him, I wanted to say a lot. 

            If I had comforted him with words, telling him to be strong, to keep enduring even in times likes this. It would have had a different ending. He was always like the Earth. Strong and diverse, using his smiles and laughs even if he was hurting. Persistent and enduring. To have come this far, reaching his dreams, away from his family. He made it. He was like the Earth. He was the element of substance. 

            “Big sis is going to the washroom, okay?” I told my brother, my voice trembling, my shoulders shaking. I dashed to the washroom, closing the door behind me. And in the bathtub, I broke down again. Tears fell from my eyes as I remembered everything about him. 

            His kind words, his energetic smile, his polite greetings, all of those. And I wallowed in self-anger and regret. I carried my mistakes all the way from Seoul. I wondered how he was doing. Dear god, I hope he’s happy and smiling just like always. 

            After minutes of cuddling myself in the dry bathtub, I washed my eyes. My eyes were red from all the crying. And it was swelling and puffy, too. On this day, I will make a promise. I will do everything in my power to go back to Seoul and fix my regrets. 

            Mom, watching me from above, I’m sorry if I cried sad tears again. You told me to not cry after you’re gone but I couldn’t help myself. My tears just fell down when I thought about him. 

XoxoX

            “Call us when you get there, okay?” my dad said, giving me one last hug. I nodded my head to assure him that I will call. 

            “Big sis, are you going to go?” my younger brother asked, rubbing his eyes. Aww, how sweet, he was crying. I crouched down to his size and ruffled his hair with my palms. 

            “I won’t be gone for too long,” and I smiled at him, hugging him tightly into my arms. 

            My mother hugged me before turning my back to them. “Please be safe. And please tell him everything that you feel,” she whispered to me before waving me goodbye. 

            It was agonizing to leave my family. But I needed to go to Seoul. I needed to correct my mistakes and not have anymore regrets. I never thought my family would be sending me away, with tears in their eyes. I had always, always, lived alone. There were only two worlds, mine and everyone else. I never thought I’d have a family there for me, or a friend who always cheered me up. It was all thanks to him. 

            Wait for me, Byun Baekhyun.