While I was cleaning up my brushes, I saw EXO’s manager walked inside the room. I suddenly remembered my commitment to Baekhyun. And I decided that I needed to grab this chance.  I wasn’t on a project with the manager, so we had different schedules. And this was possibly the only time I’ll be able to see him. I won’t let this opportunity slip through my fingers. It’s now or never. 

            “Good morning,” I greeted  with a ninety-degree bow. “Uhm…” Shoot. I had no idea how to break it down properly. I didn’t even have a plan. Before going into battle I should have came prepared. “I know I am not in the right position to ask this. But… Please give the boys a brief Christmas break,” I started, hiding my shaking hands behind me.

            The manager was not really a terrifying person. But I was only scared because it felt like I was attempting suicide. I could lose my position by doing this. The manager could easily fire me for being nosey. But a promise was a promise. I didn’t want to disappoint Baekhyun. 

            The manager gave me a doubtful look. “Boys who?” he asked, with one eyebrow raised. 

            I swallowed the bulb in my throat before answering. “EXO… I am fully aware that they are rookies and most of them haven’t seen their families for a long time. A little break over Christmas wont hurt.” I faked a smile, hoping the manager would buy it. Although it was risky playing dumb and concerned, I had to go with it. 

            I have always been reserved. Specially at work, I tried to be as professional as I could. And risk wasn’t existent in my dictionary. But look at me right now, in a very dangerous situation and fighting my superior. I shouldn’t have offered to ask the manager for Baekhyun. 

           The manager looked at me with an amused expression. He had a sly smirk on his face. He was going to challenge me. Retreat! Retreat! Abort the mission! “Give me three valid reasons, then.” Just then, I felt like I was beaten at my own game. 

           I knew this game won’t be easy. But I wasn’t expecting the manager to actually challenge me. This was frustrating. But a commitment was a commitment. And that kid surely had hope in me. What did I get myself into? 

           And just like that, he left the room while I was in a daze. 

XoxoX

           Today was the 22nd of December. My only day-off for the whole month. And only three days left until Christmas. And I felt like there was no more hope or possibility of a vacation for Baekhyun. A half of me was frustrated at myself for breaking a promise and another half of me was sad because Baekhyun can’t meet his family. For the past few days, I’ve been bothered to think about those reasons. 

           I thought it would be easy to think of those reasons. But I wasn’t even relating to it. I never wanted a vacation. So I have no idea why anyone would want to have a vacation unless they wanted to rest. Baekhyun said he missed his family. He said he wanted to go home. But I couldn’t understand that because I never missed mine.  

           There was no guarantee the manager would give them a vacation even if I give him my reasons. Not only that, but I never saw the manager since then. At this point, it’s really impossible for a vacation. I should have thought twice before I made such a promise to that kid. This was so disappointing. 

           The bus abruptly stopped and my peace was disturbed. I was on my way to my hometown for a short visit. I looked down at the flowers I was holding. They were withered and slowly turning a dull color. The flowers wont last long because it’s cold. They’ll die soon.  

           After a few short minutes, I got off the bus. It was a graveyard. The tombs were covered in snow, so I had difficulties finding the one I was looking for. I laid the withered flowers down the tombstone. My mom’s name was engraved with her date of birth and death. She died eleven years ago. And I felt it again. A pain pounding through my heart. I’ve experienced this pain every time I came here but no over-the counter medicine could heal it. And I was afraid to consult the doctors about this heart pain because they’d think I was crazy. 

           I recited a short prayer. My sole turned 360 degrees as I was about to leave. Every year, near Christmas, I travel from Seoul to the province to visit my mom’s grave. Sometimes I’d buy flowers if I could find them in the market. Flowers rarely grow during winter. And then, I would recite a short prayer and leave. But today, I was having difficulties leaving. I turned back. 

          “Every time I’d come here, I experience pain, mom. Even now, my heart is in pain. Mom, I miss you.” It felt very foreign with the word “miss” coming from my mouth. I brushed off the cold snow on top of her grave. “I hope you were here so things will be easier for me. I love you, mom. I really do.” And warm tears flowed down my cold cheeks. 

           Tears… Warm tears… How long has it been since I last cried? Since dad remarried? I don’t cry very often. Because you told me, mom, with your last breath that I should never shed tears when you’re gone. I’ve experienced all kinds of pain. I’ve cried after too many painful memories. Nothing but you, mom, could ever make me cry. 

           Was this what Baekhyun called “homesickness?” I never want to return home but I want to return to my mother. I want to hold her hand again, like I used to. I want to eat food that she cooked again. Then, was home a place or a person? I couldn’t understand but there was a strange clenching in my heart. It was very painful that I wanted it to stop. 

            Although my voice was shaking from tears, I said, “Mom, Merry Christmas.” 

XoxoX

            It was pass three in the afternoon when I arrived back at the building. And I was late. I haven’t even prepared my makeup kit yet. I haven’t even freshened up after crying. Everyone was already in the van ready to go to the broadcast station. I was about to get inside the van when I saw EXO’s manager walk out of the building. Shoot, I have to talk to the manager. “Get in!” my co-worker yelled at me. I might lose my job but to hell with that. 

            I crutched my stomach pretending I have a stomachache all of a sudden. “I need to go to the bathroom. Go on without me!!” I shouted, pretending to writhe in pain as I sprinted towards the manager. The van drove away and I practically ran towards the manager. 

            “Manager-nim, I know the three reasons!” I shouted, picking up attention from the manager and strangers around the area. He raised his brow at me without saying a word. I took this as my chance to speak. Honestly, I had no plan. But I bursted out everythng that I felt back at my mother’s grave. “You must give them a vacation because one, it’s painful to miss your family. Two, your family and your loved ones are your strength. And three, the boys need some rest.” And with every reason, I stuck out a finger. I caught my breath after practically yelling at the manager. I was aware I caused a huge scene but you know what? I didn't care anymore.

            The manager made an amused expression. “Are you that persistent? Well then, go on ahead and tell the boys they can have their vacation. But they must be back at the 3rd of January,” he paused, smiling at me. “Keep looking after them.” He ruffled my hair and proceeded to walk away. 

            I was so happy I could cry. But I’ve shed too much tears for one day already. The boys will have their vacation. Baekhyun will have his vacation. He will meet his family again. I ran up to the practice room and barged in the door like a madwoman. “Everyone, pack your things because you can go on a vacation!!” I yelled, making a dramatic pose by pointing at the ceiling.

            They all looked surprised and didn’t know what was going on. I caught my breath and tried to calm myself down before explaining properly. “You must be back before 3rd of January, understand?” I shouted, with a palm on my hip. 

            “Yes!!” they all chorused together as they rejoiced. I felt warm envelope my heart as I saw their happy faces. It’s like giving toys to kids. I may have risked my job, my career, my life, but the smiles on their faces were priceless. I suddenly felt emotional being in the room with twelve happy boys. It wasn’t the usual self-praise. But rather, I was happy for them. 

            Suddenly, warm arms wrapped around my neck. “Thank you, noona,” he whispered to my neck. And I suddenly recognized his beautiful voice that sang with passion. And his lean arms wrapped around me. “Thank you,” he repeated as he buried his face in my scarf. I slowly reached to his back and returned the hug. Although it was cold, I felt warm hugging him. 

            I felt my eyes turning watery as I hugged him. There was this strange tugging at my heart. I wanted to cry for him. I wanted to cry in joy. What I said earlier was a lie. One could never cry so much for a day. Because a tear of joy rolled down my skin. It was possibly the first tear I shed because of happiness. The first time I cried because of overwhelming joy. Although I knew my makeup was a mess and my eyeliner would smudge, I still cried to my heart’s content. 

            “You’re welcome, Baekhyun.”