After my vacation, I came back to Seoul. There were bad news waiting for me. I was moved to a different team because someone was already filling up my position on EXO’s team. We had conflicting schedules. It’d be a miracle if we ran into each other. I had no chance to apologize to Baekhyun. Much more, gather the courage to actually say I was sorry. 

            We didn’t talk for months, it was terrible. I felt like our friendship was crumbling down like a cookie. Something so fragile broke so easily. I couldn’t do anything about it. I just watched as our friendship was crushed into bits. He was the first real friend I had. So it’s a little disappointing to let go of this friendship. 

            In the first place, there was not much foundation in our relationship. We were only workmates, that’s all. He was moving forward. He was achieving success in his career and love. And I guess I should too. I should start to find my happy place. Our friendship will now be history. But let me at least say my words of goodbye properly. I didn't like to end this without closure. 

XoxoX

            It was a morning in May. Spring time was the season of blooming flowers and the birth of a new love. But something in me just died. While mindlessly scrolling through my SNS account, I saw the most unexpected news. “Kris was leaving EXO.” None of the staff knew, none of the members talked about it. It was painful to hear such news. 

            I didn’t even bother finishing my breakfast. I got dressed hurriedly and went straight to the company building to confirm such news. 

            What is it that died inside of me? It was the happiness in my heart. It was gone. I was no longer feeling secured that nothing will be taken away from me, from the people around me. I felt like happiness could be easily snatched away. 

            Practically sprinting to the floor upstairs, I didn’t even bother waiting for the elevator. I used the emergency exit and was out of breath when I reached the staff room.  I could care less about being professional and polite now. I barged in the staff room, my first greeting being “Is it true?” I appeared rude but my racing heart wanted confirmation. 

            “Calm down. It’s true but it’s not like we could do anything,” my coworker told me, sighing heavily. And I guess she was right. We were merely staff and we can’t our noses in this situation. We can’t pursue anyone, we can’t do anything. It was not our battle to fight. 

            We were always careful, professional. We didn’t involve ourselves with anyone personally. Everyone had a professional working relationship. There was always a gap between all of us. We knew that we shouldn’t stick our noses to people’s businesses. We prioritized our job, that’s why. We didn’t want to lose our job over petty reasons like gossip or breaking the contract. 

            Even me, I was always so distant. My words were selectively chosen and I only spoke a few. My words would only be yes or no. And I didn’t involve myself in small talks with my coworkers. I was always so timid, and always kept a distance from everyone. It was only until I met Baekhyun that I started to change.

            I spoke regularly, not afraid to come off as unprofessional. I gave pep talks and cheered people up. I got involved with Baekhyun, even going so far to know each other’s family background and history. We talked often, our topics being such trivial matters to deep conversations. Both of us opened to each other. We were friends. We were. 

            The news practically left everyone devastated. Fans didn’t take it lightly and the staff were in a chaos. I could only imagine the member’s emotional stability in this pit full of hurt and pain. I couldn’t do anything as I was busy, preparing for my team’s comeback. I could only silently wish that everyone’s doing well. I could only wish. 

XoxoX

            It was June, and the flowers weren’t blooming anymore. But something inside of me was reborn. While cleaning my makeup brushes, a rare gossip happened. “Have you heard? The company confirmed Baekhyun and Taeyeon dating!” my coworker nudged my arm, causing the bottle I was holding to fall.

            My heart was racing fast. What did she just say? I was at loss of words, my voice was gone. I knew something was between them, but I never imagined they’d go on public. What was reborn inside of me, you ask? It was fright and regrets. 

            I was afraid to think about his situation. He had thousands of fans supporting him, loving him. They would feel betrayed if they knew about the truth. They should have kept their relationship a secret. I was scared for him, that he might stumble down. 

            There were regrets born inside of me. They were regrets that I wasn’t by his side, when he needed support the most. Regret that I wasn’t supporting him when he needed it the most. Regrets that I wasn’t being a good friend and letting him handle all this alone. 

            I wouldn’t even dare go on social networking sites to check how much hate he was getting. I already had an idea how the fans are reacting to it. Bashing and badmouthing the idols, I couldn’t bear to see that. 

            Furthermore, I’d be gone. And there will be no one to be by his side. I could only just hope that the members were supporting him, cheering him up. I could only hope. 

XoxoX

            While I was packing my apartment empty, I received a call. It was from Suho. Never thought EXO’s leader would call me. I guess he wanted to say his parting words before l leave. But I was surprised and alarmed when Suho told me over the phone how Baekhyun was doing.

            “Baekhyun’s skipping practice. He’s just on his bed all day. He gets lost in the middle of the night. He refuses to talk to anyone. I don’t know what to do. I know your friendship went downhill some time ago, but if you have time, please do visit him before you leave,” he told me with a worried tone. And although I was leaving in the morning, I just couldn’t leave him behind. 

            This was my chance to correct my mistakes. This was my chance to give him back the favor of being friends with me. This was my chance to say my sorry. This was my chance to talk to him and have some closure. This was my one last chance. 

            I grabbed my coat, not even locking my door. I just, I just wanted to go there and be there for him. The agonizing wait in the train station, burdened my heart. With every second that I was not by his side, I couldn’t imagine how much pain he was going through. While I was sitting inside the train, I was silently praying to the gods that Baekhyun will be alright. 

            He was not suffering any illness. He didn’t get into an accident. But he was suffering from so much pain, pain inside his heart. And that’s twice more painful than any physical injury. And that pain, was not easy to cure. 

XoxoX

            “How are you doing?” I asked him, closing the door behind me. Clothes were thrown everywhere, and his body was thrown in the bed too. He laid limp and lifeless, but with the sound of my voice, he turned to me. 

            He fluttered his eyes at me, making out who I was. There was a minute of silence between the two of us. “How are you doing?” I repeated my question, sitting on the floor. He looked at me with such pitiful eyes, I wanted to hug him and cry on his shoulder. I wanted to tell him everything will be alright. 

            “I’m doing fine,” he spoke, his voice cracking at the end. Liar. You’re not doing alright. The mere sight of you made me want to cry. “I heard you’re leaving?” he asked, with a shaking voice. He was scared. Although I wanted to stay by his side, I can’t cancel my plans. 

            I’ve already promised my father, and my new family that I’ll leave Seoul and live with them. I already told myself to move forward and find my own happiness. Baekhyun told me that family trips are the best. So I think living with my family will be the happiest thing that will ever happen to me. 

            “I am,” I simply answered, nodding my head. 

            He clicked his tongue at me, rolling his eyes. It was unusual to see him behave in such a childish manner. He was always smiling, his eyes forming crescents. He was always laughing his heart out, making jokes of simple things. He was always as sweet as a honey. But I never knew that behind his smiles and hearty laughs was a hurting heart. 

            “Where are you going? You’re leaving me?” he asked, his eyes getting watery. Please, don’t cry. Your happiness had always been my happiness. So I can’t bear seeing you in sad tears. I can’t. If I see you crying, my tears will trigger to fall too. And I don’t want to cry in our parting. 

            But I knew I couldn’t lie to him. He was not a child anymore. I can’t tell him I won’t go away and then be gone for a long time. “I’m going back to my hometown. I’ll be living with my family, now,” I said, forcing a smile on my face. But the smile I had was trembling, slowly going down into a frown. 

            He turned his face away from me. And I knew he was crying. I wanted to hug him, but I felt like he was far away. It felt like he was light years away from my reach. I wanted to hug him, so much. The trembling of his back was so painful to watch. I can’t bear it. It was very painful, like a thousand knives was buried deep in my skin. 

            And then my own tears fell. Tears of sorrow and pain. Tears of regrets and losing a battle. I cried silently, not wanting to wimp by his side. The tears trickled down my cheeks and dropped to the floor like raindrops on leaves. 

            After a long silence in the room, “Say, why is earth the element of substance?” he asked, his voice was still trembling. He was skipping practices and messing up performances. That was the last thing he should worry about. His question caught me off guard. What was that supposed to mean? I was not a science nerd to know about elements and substances. 

            “Never mind,” he said, before I could say anything. “Have fun with your family. I wish you the best. And please, don’t cry sad tears, anymore. Its painful to watch you cry.” Those were his last parting words. And in the end, I left Seoul full of regrets and sorrow. 

            Dear god, I pray that his pain will go away.