Insecurities

GuiGui pulled the saxophone from in disgust. "I hate my life," she said flatly and without emotion.

"Don't start," her mother said quietly from across the living room. She lowered the newspaper enough to give GuiGui a warning look, a look that said "I'm not in the mood to hear your usual list of complaints."

"Sometimes I think I'm not a real member of this family," she complained, ignoring her mother's warning glance. "I mean, like I'm adopted or something."

"You weren't adopted. You were hatched," Mrs. Wu cracked, hidden behind her newspaper. "Are you through practicing that thing--- I hope?"

"You hate my saxophone playing," GuiGui accused.

"You were playing it? I thought you were torturing it!" Mrs. Wu said and laughed.

GuiGui was used to her mother's dry sense of humor. Sometimes it helped snap GuiGui out of a bad mood, but not now. "You really crack yourself up, don't you?" GuiGui said angrily.

I don't have my mother's good looks, and I don't even have her sense of humor, she thought bitterly.

"If I'm not adopted, how come you're so tall and thin and I'm so short and dumpy?" GuiGui asked, pulling off the mouthpiece.

"GuiGui, pai tuo!" her mother cried impatiently. She lowered the newspaper to her lap and shook her head. "Why do you like to have the same conversations over and over?"

"At least it's a conversation," GuiGui replied with growing anger. "Usually we just blab at each other before you hurry off to work."

"Boy, you have a million complaints today--- don't you," her mother said. "I'm very sorry, but your father and I have to work very hard. It's not like you're bringing in a fortune with your saxophone playing."

"Hey, I work in Dad's restaurant. I earn my own money," GuiGui snapped. "Stop giving me a hard time about my music. It's the only thing I enjoy."

The only thing, GuiGui repeated to herself.

The only thing in my whole miserable life.

"Why are you feeling so sorry for yourself these days?" Mrs. Wu asked. She put the newspaper down on the coffee table and walked over to GuiGui.

GuiGui shrugged. "It's this new town, Taipei. And this creepy old house."

"Please stop complaining about the house. We'll fix it up," Mrs. Wu said, crossing her arms over her blue turtleneck. "You know your father has always dreamed of owning his own restaurant, GuiGui. Moving here is a great opportunity for him. For all of us."

"The kids at school tell stories about this street. Changcheng Street. They say all kinds of weird things happen here."

"Weird things happen everywhere," her mother said dryly. She glanced at the window. The clouds were drifting apart. Afternoon sunlight filtered into the room.

GuiGui finished taking apart her instrument. She placed the sections carefully into their slots then closed the case.

"Why don't I have straight hair like yours?" GuiGui demanded, realizing she should quit but unable to do it. "Why does my hair have to be so curly and this awful black color?"

"You want to change your hair color?" her mother asked, surprised. "That's easy to do."

"Then how do I change my face?" GuiGui cried, glancing into the mirror on the wall.

My nose is too wide and my chin is too small, she thought for the millionth time.

"GuiGui, you're very attractive girl," her mother said, her arms still crossed. "If you'd lose a little weight and put on some lipstick---"

GuiGui uttered a cry of disgust and jumped up from the chair. Her mother took a step back.

"Mom, give me a break. Don't say I'm attractive. That's what you say about people who aren't. Why don't you just say I have a nice personality and be done with it? That's what people always say about ugly girls. They have nice personalities."

"Frankly, your looks are great. It's your personality I'm not crazy about," her mother said.

"Mom---" GuiGui screamed, feeling herself lose control. "Can't you ever be serious?"

Mrs. Wu stepped forward and wrapped her daughter in an awkward hug. The gesture caught GuiGui by surprise. Her mother was not given to outward displays of affection. GuiGui couldn't remember the last time her mother hugged her.

"I-I'm sorry, Mom," she blurted out, not exactly sure why she was apologizing.

"Ssshhh." Mrs. Wu raised a finger to GuiGui's lips. Then she took a step back. "It's having to move here, dear," she said, staring reasuringly into GuiGui's eyes. "It's having to start all over again in a new town, at a new high school. That's what's making you so--- edgy."

GuiGui nodded, thinking about what her mother was saying.

"And you're unhappy because your dad is always at the restaurant and I'm always at the nursing home taking care of patients instead of being home with you. But we can't help it, GuiGui. This is a great opportunity for us. Especially for your father. If he can make this restaurant work, he'll be so happy. And we can get out of debt."

Mrs. Wu shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans and began to walk back and forth. "Don't get down on yourself. That's all I ask," she told GuiGui. "You can be down on your situation, on having to move. But don't start doubting yourself."

GuiGui glanced at the mirror again. Easy for her to say, she thought unhappily. She's tall and pretty. And I look like a cow.

"Ok, Mom," she said with false brightness. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Her mother's face revealed her worry. "You've made one good friend here already, haven't you?"

GuiGui nodded. "Hebe Tian."

"Why don't you give her a call?" Mrs. Wu suggested. "She seems really nice. And really popular. I'm sure she'll introduce you to a lot of other kids."

She glanced at her watch. "Oh, wow. I'm late. Got to run." She gave GuiGui a quick, dry kiss on the forehead and, after gathering up her keys and wallet, hurried out the door.

GuiGui sighed.

What was that all about? she asked herself. Mom's right. I've got to stop feeling sorry for myself.

She carried her saxophone into her room and slid it into the closet. Then she pulled off her sweatshirt, which suddenly felt hot and uncomfortable.

I've got to get out of this house, she thought. Maybe Hebe can cheer me up.

Hebe Tian lived a few blocks away, only a ten minute walk from GuiGui's house. GuiGui had met Hebe in the Taipei High marching band.

They had met by accident.

A real accident.

Hebe played flute, and the two of them had marched right into each other during the band's first after-school practice. GuiGui's saxophone had received a slight scratch, and Hebe's knee was slightly scraped. Other than that, they were both uninjured.

They had become good friends after that, although at practice Hebe always insisted on marching on the other side of the field from GuiGui.

Hebe was short and petite, with sharp features and straight, brown hair. Unlike GuiGui, she had a relaxed, easygoing personality and seemed to have a million friends.

She looks about twelve, GuiGui sometimes thought. When we walk together, people probably think I'm her mother!

"Don't get down on yourself," GuiGui said out loud, repeating her mother's advice.

Hebe was a good friend. The only friend she'd made at Taipei High so far.

So don't start finding fault with her, GuiGui warned herself.

GuiGui felt herself cheering up a little as she walked to Hebe's house. It was a clear, autumn day. Leaves on the trees were starting to turn. Some of the houses on Changcheng Street were old and run-down, but they didn't seem frightening or evil, the way she'd heard kids describe them.

As she crossed onto Hebe's street, a car drove by, windows down, it's radio blasting. GuiGui recognized some kids from school inside. They were laughing and singing and didn't seem to notice her as they past.

Hebe's house--- a long, redwood, ranch-style house--- stood at the top of a steepy lawn. Even though it's autumn, the grass had recently been cut.

Just as GuiGui stepped up to the front door, it opened. Hebe appeared, followed by her boyfriend, Wu Chun, a handsome boy with long black hair and a friendly grin.

Hebe's mouth dropped open in surprise. "GuiGui! Where'd you come from?"

"Home," GuiGui replied, pointing the direction of her house.

"Hi," Chun said, moving Hebe out of the way so he could close the glass door.

"I didn't know---" Hebe started.

"I should've called," GuiGui said quickly.

"We're just going to Chun's cousin's," Hebe said. "Why don't you come?"

"Yeah. Come on." Chun said, motioning for GuiGui to follow him as he headed for his car. "We're just going to talk and stuff."

"No, I don't think so," GuiGui said. "Thanks. I'll call you later."

"Okay." Hebe shrugged. "You're welcome to come."

Go with them, urged a tiny voice in GuiGui's mind.

But then another tiny voice said, Three's a crowd.

"No. Go ahead," GuiGui said.

Chun was already in the car. He blew the horn. Hebe went running down the walk. A few seconds later GuiGui watched them drive away.

Walking home, she felt sorry for herself all over again.

Chun blows the horn and Hebe comes running, she thought bitterly.

I'd come running too, if I had a boyfriend.

A boyfriend? I'd just like to go out on a date, she thought.

Here I am seventeen, and I haven't gone out on my first date yet.

Just as she thought that, GuiGui heard a car pull over behind her.She stopped walking as boy called out, "Hey, how about a date?"