Suffocation

"We can't see out, and no one can see in," she said, snuggling against his shoulder. "It's like we're in our own private world."

He smiled at her and hugged her closer. He kissed her, a long, lingering kiss. She closed her eyes. He kept his wide open, staring at the windshield, which was completely steamed over as if covered by a white blanket.

It's so hot in this car, he thought, kissing her again.

I can't breathe.

I've got to get some air. Or I'll die.

She pulled her head back and smiled up at him dreamily. "Xiao Yu," she whispered.

He stared at the windshield, imagining the night beyond it, picturing the tal, wet grass, the dark trees.

Can't breathe. Can't breathe.

She pressed her forehead against his chest and sighed. He could smell oranges in her hair. He could still taste her lipstick on his mouth, sweet and sour at the same time.

What was her name, anyway?

Holding her close, he tried to remember.

Xiao Xun.

That was it. Xiao Xun Something-or-Other.

It's so steamy in here.

I feel so... locked in. Trapped. As if the car is closing in on me.

"I've never been up here with a boy before," she said, pressing her face against his leather jacket.

She's smothering me, he thought. I'm going to smother in here.

Why does it have to be steamy?

He slid his arm away from her and reached for the window handle. He started to roll down his window, but she grabbed his arm. "No. Don't. Someone might see."

"But we're all alone up here," he said. "We're lucky there are no other cars tonight." He took a long, deep breath of cool air before closing the window. Outside, he caught a glimpse of the moon.

"I like you, Xiao Yu," Xiao Xun said as he moved his arm back around her shoulder.

"I like you too," he said automatically, immediately wishing he had sounded more sincere. He kissed her ear.

I'm sweating, he thought. It's October and I'm sweating.

I'm going to suffocate.

She's going to suffocate me.

"I like boys with straight brown hair," she whispered. She brushed her hand tenderly through his hair.

I hate that, he realized.

Mom used to do that to me.

"Let's go for a walk," he suggested, reaching for the door handle.

"I don't know. Is it safe?" her dark eyes gleamed with excitement.

He shrugged. "I don't come up here much, either."

Xi Hu was the big make-out spot for Xi An High kids. The narrow road stopped at a grassy clearing that sloped to the edge of a steep rock cliff. Behind the clearing were thick woods.

It was silent out there, except for a whisper of wind through the trees.

"Come on," he urged, squeezing her hand. "I'll protect you."

She giggled for some reason.

He pushed open the car door, bathing them in harsh yellow light.

"Wait, Xiao Yu," she said and reached down to the car floor. "You dropped your wallet."

"Oh. Thanks." He reached for it.

But he saw it come open. Then he saw her eyes grow wide as she stared at his driver's license inside.

"Xiao Yu---?" she raised her eyes to him, questioning him.

Here we go, he thought, his heart racing.

"Xiao Yu," she said, returning her glance to the driver's license. "You told me your name was Xiao Yu. But your license says Mao Di."

"It's--- someone else's license," he said.

I can't breathe.

I'm suffocating.

The car door is open, and I'm still suffocating.

Don't suffocate me, Xiao Xun. I'm warning you. Don't do it.

She tossed her long black hair. It fell quickly back into place. Her expression was thoughtful, troubled. "But it's your picture on the license," she said. She held it up to show him, as if he hadn't seen it before.

He sighed.

What a shame, he thought.

Why does she want to suffocate me?

Why is she accusing me?

"I lost my license," he said, taking the wallet from her hand. "So I'm using this one." He pushed the wallet into his jacket pocket.

"So you're Xiao Yu? You're not Mao Di?" she asked, wrinkling her forehead.

What a shame, he thought.

Shame, shame, shame.

He pushed the car door open the rest of the way and slid out. He stood up, arched his back, his hands in his jacket pocket, and stretched. Then he took a deep breath, leaned back in, and smiled reassuringly at her.

"Come on, Xiao Xun. Let's take a walk. A short one. It's so nice out here. And there's no one here tonight. No one around for miles."

No one, he thought, his mind whirring, his muscles tensing.

No one around for miles.

He suddenly felt very alert. Ready.

She stepped out of the car and closed the door. The car light went out, leaving them in darkness.

Taking long, deliberate steps, he crossed the clearing, dew from the tall grass clinging to his shoes, and stared down over the cliff edge. There was nothing but darkness below.

She stepped up beside him and reached for his hand. Her hand felt hot and wet in his. She lowered her eyes to the cliff edge.

"Can we back up?" she asked in a pleading whisper. "I have problem with heights."

"Sure," he said. He began leading her across the clearing towards the trees, walking slowly, squeezing her hand tightly.

what a shame. What a shame.

"How old are you?" she asked suddenly.

I'm twenty, he thought.

"Seventeen," he said.

"How did you lose your driver's license so soon? Were you in an accident or something?"

You're the one who's going to have an accident, he thought.

A fatal accident.

If only you hadn't tried to suffocate me.

If only your hair wasn't the same dark color as--- hers.

"No. I just lost it," he said softly.

He put his arm around her shoulder and drew her close as he led her under the trees. "I like you, Xiao Xun," he said, whispering into her ear.

Again, he smelled oranges in her hair.

Did he really like her?

Was he lying to her?

He couldn't be sure. He didn't know.

He only knew it was a shame she had to die.

A real shame.

A few minutes later he walked slowly, calmly back to the car. Alone. His heart was racing in his chest, but otherwise, he felt fine.

Just fine. Killing her was so easy.

He zipped his leather jacket, then climbed behind the wheel. The car started quickly. He started the defroster and sat waiting for the windshield to clear.

The air from the defroster felt dry and cold.

He laughed out loud, a giddy laugh, a laugh of release.

The fog on the windshield began to clear.

"Xiao Yu," he said aloud. I told her my name was Xiao Yu.

Why should I tell her my real name? It was our first date, after all.

Our first date.

He hadn't planned on murdering her tonight.

He liked her. He really liked her.

She didn't remind him so much of the others. Just her hair. The long black hair.

He wasn't really prepared for this one.

Why did she have to suffocate him? Why did she have to toss her hair like that? Why did she have to see the driver's license?

Why did she have to ask so many questions?

Why didn't she let him breathe?

He wasn't prepared. He hadn't planned it.

He always liked to plan it.

But she was dead anyway.

I'll be out of here by the time they find her, he thought.

I haven't left any traces. No one was here.

I'll be okay.

Now at least I can breathe again.

The windshield was clear. He the headlights and started to back up onto the road.

On to another town.

Sooner or later it was time to move on.

He didn't really like it that way, but what choice did he have?

What choice did he have if girls looked like that?

If they asked him questions and wouldn't let him breathe?

He pushed the gearshift into PARK, then reached into his glove compartment.

His hand wasn't shaking.

That was a good sign.

He could breathe again, and his hand wasn't shaking.

He the light, pulled out the road map, unfolded it carefully, his hands steady. His eyes darted over the map and stopped at the name of the next town.

Taipei.

He mouthed the word several times, silently to himself.

Taipei.

Sounds like my kind of place.

He replaced the worn, wrinkle map, switched off the ceiling light, then, humming softly to himself,roared off into the cool, silent darkness.