(xxii. romance is dead)

| We are all just stars after all, bounded to those who create and destroy us, all at once |

The sun dawns upon her sight and along with it, Wonwoo's head dawns over her head, leaning in to take a look over a math homework she has been struggling. From behind. She wonders if she still smells like nicotine.

"Why are you looking at me?"

She only stares at his eyes in such close proximity, his chest slightly touching her back and their lips a few centimeters away. If Seulgi had a heart, she would push him away. He doesn't say anything and only looks back at her, holding his gaze.

Holding his chin between her fingers, she shrugs her shoulders. "Nothing. I just realized you lost your baby fat cheeks." 

She looks down over her math homework and pick up her pencil. "Then, how about-" as she feels something wet dripping on her sweater, she looks up to see him frozen and and tears running down his face.

This is another Jeon Wonwoo's burst out that she can't comprehend. "What th-What's wrong?" Wonwoo blinks out the tears and quickly wipes his tears off.

"I don't know. Weird. It just came out by itself." He replies, hiding his face and pulling himself together. This is not the first time Wonwoo has cried out of the blue like this. 

Looking at him, she inspects as Wonwoo tries to shake himself awake. It's not like he is asleep all this time, but there is something about him that Seulgi can't pinpoint. The gentleness, the tears, the sensitivity. Where did it all came from? Wonwoo's cause of tears itself never comes from something so moving. It is just from mere small things; her asking him about his life, her wanting to play his videogames and even when he is studying with her like this. 

"You shouldn't do that so carelessly. Girls are weak for that kind of thing," his annoyance for all the girls that chase him is so evident the way he twitched everytime girls that are strangers come near him. 

"This only happens around you," he mumbles, but loud enough for her to hear. He turns to her, looking puzzled and slightly hurt. Does he feel so much anguish hanging around someone as broken as her?

"Then don't. If my presence feels like such a burden t-"

"But I don't mind. I don't care." He interrupts firmly, his stoic side back to cover him up. "I'm okay. It's not your fault."

Him standing right there looks very unconvincing as another tear slides down his cheek. So much like a child. It irritates her how confusing his tears are. Standing up, she steps towards him and wipes the falling drop. "It's not funny at all that you keep crying like this" Her answer is solemn and a little bit threatening. Seulgi is never good at handling people like him; people who seems like each part oof their body is made of glass.

"I'm okay," he sniffs, even more making her wary as his cheeks reddening and eyes puffy. "Can I have a hug, Seulgi?"
Stepping back, she takes another scan of him. Is this someone she knows? Even when they were litte, he was never like this. He was never like this to anyone. Wonwoo was someone who didn't like people to know his weakness, tucking every little thing in so only his skills showed. 

She feels like prodding in his life and his problems, but she is not sure if she has any ability to support someone's mental constitution. She has her own demons to defeat and here she thinks she has someone close who is strong and sturdy enough to hold on to. But, it is not like her to ignore her friend's state.

"Only if it will make you stop crying."

Wiping his tears, the waterfall seems to have stopped. "Yes, I promise."
And, this is actually the first time they hug like this, ever since they came back. As she wraps her arms around, she feels his relaxed body and arms folded around her. It feels as if he is the one holding her. But Wonwoo feels so frail and thin inside her arms.

"You're crying, aren't you?"

Silence. Probably Wonwoo holding his tears to not choke out an answer.

"You're obviously not okay," she sighs, drawing circles on his back. She can only imagine his listless face with waterfalls of tears running down off his cheeks in big, fat drops. He looks so unaffected and numb. 

His palpitating and pumping heartbeats beat out the sound of the mailman's bell. For another time, Seulgi ignores it and pulls him closer. "You're still as strange as ever."
 

Wonwoo, refusing to let any second of this moment go to waste, to finally be involved in the one of the very few things involving girls that he is willing to be in, drowns himself in her warmth and her scent that smells of a whiff of cigarette and soft floral detergent.  

(While Kang Seulgi was busy becoming her own hero in chasing and beating demons out of her territory, Wonwoo had lost his conscience and guilt in respect to himself, to respect the courtesy of human beings that are forgotten for the sake of passivity and ignorance over the pain inflicted by his decisions to himself.)

It is all second star to the right and straight on til' morning until an unfamiliar lad with a tied-up long hair jumps in front of her.

"Hi, Soojung!" The lad beams brightly, showing a slight dimple on his cheeks. She turns at the voice while standing before her locker at him, jumping out of her daydreaming. He looks familiar but Soojung can't tell with all the memories scattering like dusts beneath her feet.

"Hi?" she waves her hand awkwardly, her reply unsure and anticipating of his realization. "You look familiar but I really don't remember."

His lips falls into a sad frown and Soojung feels slightly guilty of her forgetful trait. "I'm sorry, can we start over?"

He gazes at her in silence for a while and Soojung feels like running away because she feels so embarrassed to forget someone that seems to be close with her. It seems like he is waiting for her to take a quick look of him.

Sharp cheekbones. Sleepy eyes that brighten when he smiles. Thin lips. Dimples. Sharp, thin dimples that pops only when he grins. Dimples. Dimples. Her eyes freeze and all the heat of her body runs to her cheek. 

It's Junghan, her very first crush, the only person who shares her love for the stars. The one who has her eyes linger at him every time he adjusted the telescope, the one boy who reminded her of fairytale princes, the only boy who cried at the day before her departure and held her in his arms. How could she forget him, of all people? The fact that they are in the same class itself is crazy and how she never realized his presence, especially someone who stands out so much like him.

Blame that to her ignorance and blind affectionate side to care for those she really sees as friends. Aside of that, Soojung just sees them as passing shadows.

Soojung reconstructs her mind and smashes any thoughts of embarassment that will seep out in front of her old crush. Putting on another mask of friendliness that she wears to make him feel comfortable is the only way.

"No way. Is it you Junghan?" Covering with shocked eyes, he grins with a slight laugh, eyes crease into crescent moons Soojung used to admire with sparkling eyes. She clutches on her shirt and feels unsafe with how these forgotten feelings come washing her over and leave her all longing for those she doesn't deserve. Get a grip, Jung Soo Jung. The last thing you want is to hurt people.

"Yes, it's me!" he cheers merrily and rushes over to wrap his arms around hers. Without a word, she flinches and takes a step backward, realizing the place they are in. Their class. To say that she is a fool in romantic situations is the utmost truth. She never feels comfortable with it.

The sad frown makes a comeback. "Are you still angry about our goodbye?"

Her eyes widened. Soojung's mask falls. "No! Of course not. I have no right to be angry. It's okay, I'm just uncomfortable with everyone staring," the last few words fall in mumbles and Jeonghan still hears clearly. Her meek smile only makes him chuckle.

"So, it's okay to hug you if nobody is around?"

"You're always like this!" a complain bubbles out and he laughs as Soojung chases him with her fist in the air; eyebrows furrowed and hair flailing as she breaks into a run, with Junghan taking it seriously to get away from her and Soojung, wanting to relive their old moments.

"I'll really hit you when I get to you!"

"Just try!"

At one point, they are far enough from the crowd of students that are thrudging in to their respective classes and the increasing chatters inside them as more students are present. She comes to a corner where Junghan is nowhere to be found.

"Hey, wher-"

His long and bony fingers are wrapped around her, clutching her shoulders and his head is tilted to brush hers from behind. Soojung has forgotten she even has a body. "I missed you so much, Soojung." his low voice that is no longer high pitched, his height that is no longer shorter than she is, his hair that is no longer a crew cut flashes into her mind. 

Warm. So warm and fuzzy Soojung needs to break free from this. She knows that she has been greedy ever since she is home in this place, with all the love and all the admiration that is so visible in her dear Cosmic Children. All the things she feel too precious and frail to be touched. 

Here I am covered by love by the ones I presume gone forever. Here I am mulling whether this is all reality or merely another dream.

Here I am, undeserving of all the truths when I am nothing but a fleeting ray of existence.

Soojung has drawn herself and imagined and dreamt herself falling to various places. Even to him. She refuses to let this be a reality.

"Yeah, I missed you to-" as she tries to walk out from his embrace, he doesn't budge and hold her still.

"Han," she sighs, afraid of his desperate grip on her because they are not mere elementary school children whose grips are easy to toss away and whose height not a threat. "We are not children anymore." The frost in her voice cannot get any colder and Soojung knows she has hurt someone who used to have such a special place in her heart. She is not brave enough to face him. Their friendhip is more ambiguous than that of Wonwoo and Seulgi whose line of friendship has become so blurry in front of Soojung's eyes. She wants to play cupid but fears it will come back to her.

It is not in her trait to not notice that she is surrounded by guys that are the apple to a lot of girls' eyes. She keeps burying herself with Seulgi, stars, her friends, music and new friends that open up to her after knowing she is not as bad as people think. For a while, she has seen him playing basketball with Mingyu in the field after school. And Soojung has heard of his name, of his stories, his glories and his changes. From what she heard, he is a boy she can't take seriously. His approaches have always made girls misunderstand and she refuses to fall in to such a trap. To see that the exact same person turns out to be her old crush and her bestfriend; Soojung can't help but feel a sinking feeling in her stomach.

Still, Soojung wants to see herself, the real Yoon Junghan.

"I know, but I'm not letting you go," he replies persistently, unaffected by her cold gesture. 

"I'm not leaving this town any sooner, so please let me go."

His hold on her gets loose, but he still keeps her in his arms. "I just missed being around you." and he lets go as she gets out to face him.

Pushing her hair back, she does so just to distract her eyes. "Just a heads up for you. I don't like spontaneous skinship like that. People misunderstand and I have a feeling I won't like that a little bit,"

The sad frown, that she has learnt to be her weakness about Jeonghan, makes an appearance. "But-"

"Han, we are friends. Let's not ruin this," she really hates this serious side of hers, because she can't control it and she ends up sounding upset and cold and the stunned look on his face becomes one of the things she regrets. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound harsh. But this is how I am now." Soojung with the magic intact and the love and tenderness in her eyes gone. Soojung can be so cruel to those she feels the most.

Jeonghan closes his eyes and heaves a long sigh. "Okay. I'll respect your choice."

"But, are you okay?" The concern in his eyes are now different and Soojung can't believe he remembers.

She only smiles, not wanting to give him an answer and leaves him trailing behind her with more questions..