Day 56

Yesterday I felt like in heaven. Not only I got to revisit the life that I used to have, my sweet boyfriend Kookie had also prepared such a wonderful surprise for me - a birthday celebration that ended with a marriage proposal! I hope my stupid imagination wasn't playing trick on me, cause it'll break my heart if none of these are real. God knows how long I've been waiting for a prince charming to rescue my lonely heart, and finally my prayers were answered. Kookie is a perfect man for any woman, but I was the lucky one because he chose to be with me. If only I met him long before I fell sick, we might have fallen in love sooner and I will have more time to make him happy.

Sometimes I don't think that I'm a good girlfriend for Kookie. I haven't done anything for my man - it's always him who make my day while I'm just receiving his attention and care. I sulked at Kookie for not giving me a chance to surprise him, and he just laughed at me. So instead of saying "I do" to his proposal, I told him to wait until the surgery is over as marrying him will be my source of motivation to survive the cancer. He agreed, but still insisted for me to wear the ring so I won't forget our promise and come back to him once I'm healed. When I told him that's not necessary cause he can simply trust my words (of course I love him more than anything!), Kookie made me laugh by saying that the ring on my finger served as a warning to other guys that my heart is taken. I was like.. come on, Kookie. Who else would want a skinny and hairless woman as his girlfriend? Only you! So don't worry, no one is interested in your lady. Arasso?

Day 59

The last couple of days were hectic for me, as the specialist ran a series of tests to validate the current status of my health. I must admit that I hate the experience, but lucky me I have Kookie by my side (he can stay throughout the procedures because he's my doctor) and he always showered me with words of encouragement. I found my strength to get through this because he said I'm a fighter, so he's very confident that I will not give up that easily though it's a painful journey for me. I hope he realized that I'm doing this for us, cause if it's not I will be boarding the next train to heaven and meet up with my parents. Jinjja.. I have prepared myself for that.

After that long session from morning till five in the evening, I finally got to rest from having to undergo another clinical test. Kookie took his time off to accompany me tonight, and we spent hours talking about life after marriage. I know it's too early and we might not have the chance to experience it, but it motivates me to stay alive for a little bit longer. Jaebal.. I hope to have more than a month on earth, cause I can't imagine what it's like for my Kookie and Kai to move on without me. I'm not saying that their happiness depends on my survival, but I think my death will have a strong impact on their life (especially if we proceed with the wedding which I foresee to be short term). I love the Kims so much, so I don't want to leave my new family in despair.

Day 61

Only four more days to go, and honestly I'm getting nervous every now and then. What if I had another complication and not fit for the operation? Am I going to die before the surgery? So many questions lingering in my mind, which really affected my emotion and the way I responded to those around me. Sometimes I let out my fear by crying on Kookie's shoulder, but when he wasn't around I blurt it out all to Kai (he's such a good listener too). Fortunately the men were very understanding, and they always made me feel safe to take the risk.

I told Kookie that whatever happens after the surgery, I want us to proceed with the wedding as long as he still feels the same way about me. But if he decided to change his mind, I won't blame it on him as I totally understand his decision. The last thing I want is to marry someone whose heart is no longer with me, and I don't want us to be attached to each other out of sympathy. I'm already honoured to be loved by him even if it's meant for a short while, so if Kookie decided to move on to another relationship - I will support him no matter what.

Day 63

Kookie was out of town as he needed to attend a two-days conference for doctors, which made me felt lonely and bored while he was away. Kai will be coming slightly later, as he needed to take care of his personal matters. So I spent hours doing nothing except sleeping (fatigue is one of the side effects of cancer) and writing another chapter of my life in this journal. Then around 6pm Kai arrived with a brown teddy bear in his hand - a gift to cheer me up and ease the fear of going for the surgery. He told me to call the plush toy as Mr. Jongji, a name that combines both mine and his hyung (or was it his? Because Kai's real name is Jong-in).

While we were busy chatting, suddenly a young girl barged into the room and yelled at us furiously. I saw Kai's expression change when the girl blamed me for stealing his boyfriend, which I hope she's not referring to Kookie. I asked for clarification from the young lady (by the way, her face seems familiar to me), but Kai immediately grabbed her by the arm and dragged the girl outside. It seems they were having an argument, but I wasn't sure what it's all about as I was too lazy to eavesdrop.

After the quarreling stop, Kai went back to my room and quickly apologized for the girl's behaviour. Later I found out that she was his girlfriend (they just broke up this morning), which reminded me of the pictures that he drew in his room. Yet the question is.. why is she mad at me? I'm not trying to be rude here, but my boyfriend's name is Kim Jong Kook and not Kim Jong-in. Get your fact right, young lady!

Day 64

Tomorrow is 'the day' that I've been waiting for, and I began to have a mix of emotions. I'm scared because my life depends on it, I'm excited to look forward to a future without cancer, but I'm also sad as Kookie won't be here tonight. His flight will arrive at seven the next morning, which is three hours before I will be sent to the operation theatre. As usual I only have Kai as my company (not to forget Mr. Jongji!), so I took the opportunity to remind him of my request that is to continue with this journal when I couldn't get my hands on it. He told me not to worry, as he will do anything for his future sister-in-law. I laughed when he called me that, yet I secretly wish that we will be real family soon.

When Kai asked me what I'd like to do tonight (as I may not get to do it after tomorrow), I can only think of one thing - seeing the stars in the dark skies. So the young Kim brought me up to the rooftop on wheelchair, which calmed my anxiety as I got to breathe the fresh air (maybe for the last time) as we enjoyed the night view all by ourselves. We went back to the room fifteen minutes later, then had a small talk as Kai tucked me under a blanket. He wished me good luck for my surgery tomorrow, and cupped my hand firmly as he sang a lullaby that he wrote for me so I can doze off easily.

As I don't want him to stay up for too long, I pretended to snooze - hoping that he will get his rest as well once I've sailed in my dream. But to my surprise, Kai took the chance to say few words while I was 'sleeping'. First, he admitted that he had read my journal without my permission as he was curious about it. Then he told me that he secretly drew a picture of me when I wasn't awake (just as I have wished for in one of the chapters). He wanted to give the drawing as my wedding gift once the surgery is over, which sank my heart deeper as I listened to his kind intent. Kai wished for me to have a long lasting marriage with Kookie, and prayed that I will survive the operation so we can all live happily together.

Suddenly I heard him sobbing as he mentioned that he doesn't want to lose me just like he lost his mother, which I totally understand why he felt that way. I kept my eyes closed as I wanted him to feel comfortable to blurt it all out, which is the least that I can do for Kookie's little brother who took good care of me while he wasn't there. But what caught me off guard was when I felt his warm lips on mine, and his drop of tears fell onto my cheek as he said "Please don't leave noona.. saranghaeyo."