In joy we celebrate what pain we had braced through, for it is the only thing worth remembering…

(2)

                  There was always something so beautiful about the end of winter. When the snow first fell and the cold hit, I had always thought that winter was endless. Endless and beautiful as it was painful.

                  “It’s cold, Sena. You should go in,” Sehun came out soundlessly – something he seemed to master very well whenever he saw the need to check in on me. Ever since Jongin left, everyone treated me like a broken glass. I was not as fragile as everyone perceived me to be, and certainly I was not so foolish as to be stuck on the man who never loved me at all.

                  Do I still love him? Perhaps. Even I could not tell anymore. There were times when his shadow felt so real. I would have a hard time waking up from a dream if he was inside, because only in dreams would I see him, and in that dream, I would wish to stay just a little longer. I did not need to hear more lies. I just wanted an explanation. A clean-cut so I could move on completely.

Does it hurt? Yes and no. If I said that I got used to betrayal in a world like this, it would be a complete and utter lie. No one (unless they were secretly psychopathic) and truly no one would ever get over the feelings of betrayal. For someone to be heartless as Kim Jongin was, there had to be a reason behind it, and I wanted to hear honesty from him and no one else.

It might be a stretch to say that I knew him well, because the truth was… I don’t. I did not think that I would know Jongin well no matter how much time had passed between us. It could be the thing that drew me in from the very first place, but then again, there were so many things about him that I loved and hated at the same time. I could not blame him as much as I could blame myself, because I had never been entirely truthful with anyone, either. Kim Jongin just happened to know a little bit more about myself in comparison to anyone else.

Everything seemed so surreal. The snow, the winter, that year of 2016, and our love. If there was one thing I was ever sure of, it was him. My love for him was real. So real it hurt everytime I recalled a memory fondly. I did not need to forgive him, but I could not forget him either. His presence, his smile, his words, his touch and warmth were nothing but lies, and still, I loved him with everything that I had; skin, bones and soul.

“I’m fine, Sehun. I am not cold,” I smiled when he put a warm, thick blanket over me. He was so gentle and caring. Had it been Sehun I fell in love with, maybe my heart would not be in pieces right now, but thread of fate weaved a story to tell and a lesson to learn, and if it was not Jongin who left me the way he did, I would not be the same person I was today.

“You are shivering, Dear,” His tone was soft as he pulled me close and gently brushed away the frost that stuck onto my hair. I held onto the hem of his shirt and looked down on the white covered ground. Sehun had become my closest confidante, almost as much as Joonmyun and Luhan did, for he was, in a way, silently observant and calculative but not scheming.

“Just a little bit, maybe,” I let out a hoarse chuckle and looked up at him wide-eyed. He was not looking at me, but rather at the huge lake in front of our building. He, too, had matured and suffered hardships in the last two years, and I was sure that everyone had their fair share of pain, like Yixing, who sometimes found it hard to cope without the presence of Tao.

“Do you hate me, Sena?” He threw the question out of nowhere. It did not come much like a shock, but it was surprising nonetheless. His strong, tall figure looked lonely standing alone facing the last snow of February. I wanted to comfort him, to hug him, to tell him that I did not hate him at all. I wanted, more than anything, to smoothen the curves between his eyebrows that now placed a tired and wary frown on his face.

“Why would you ask me, Sehun?”

“Because I…” He turned to me and smiled. The way his lips curved upwards suddenly seemed so foreign to me, because I could not make out what exactly he was feeling at the moment, except that his next sentence seemed to bear a heavy consequence more than he could take. Because I do not want you to hate me the way you hate Jongin, and yet I want you to like me the way you love him.

The words he wanted to say were hanged up in the air, left unspoken, and none of us brought it up anymore. It was better that I was left clueless about it. And it was better that things were kept ambiguous between us. That way, broken hearts, though could not be avoided, would at least be ignored. Selfish as I was, pained as he was.

Cold. Again my mind registered, and this time, my entire body could feel it, too.

The sky soon cleared up with a ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds. And yet the cold remained. Cold. It was so cold – the kind that would never go away. Winter was not supposed to last forever. With one last glance at Sehun, I wrapped the blanket around me and went back inside, leaving him in the yard of our headquarter, silent and hurt; broken and sad.

(3)

                  Jongin stared out the window as the plane finally landed with a shaky landing. It was not easy to land after going on and around in the sky because the thick snow covered the airport lanes. There were tens of cleaning trucks that dug up the layer of snow, and many of them lined up near the gates, where a few suited men waited to welcome the newly arrived Yoon Sang Hyun.

                  He could not be hasty, Jongin clenched his fists and reminded himself. Oh, it was so easy to be impatient when there were countless of cockroaches to be killed. He thought he had murdered at least half the number of Sang Hyun’s faithful men – each murder brought pleasure and satisfaction more than the one before, as Jongin had nicely decided to call it revenge – but there were things that power and money (and both!) could buy. Loyalty was one of them, though he was sure it would only last temporarily.

                  Home sweet home. He had not once stepped into the land of Seoul since he left Singapore two years ago. Last he’d heard, his identity was completely erased and his funeral was faked; no doubt it was Sena’s doing, and frankly, he was more grateful than he was angry. His memory was better preserved by death, because he knew it would bring only grief, sadness and pain to those dearest to him – not that there were many.

                  “Jongin, go and tell the stewardess to open the door immediately. I need Sohee as well. She must have fallen asleep somewhere in the cabin,” Sang Hyun’s voice was a pitch higher than a whisper. There were visible aging marks he could not bear to see when he saw his own reflection in the mirror. Sohee’s blood was definitely helping, but not by much, and she was always tired after getting her blood taken, and thankfully so, because she would have less time to bother Jongin with her antiques.

                  He searched the first class cabin and found her at the back, sleeping peacefully. Of all his grandchildren, Sang Hyun was very fond of Sohee because of their similarity in nature, and Sena, for her use and blood. When Sohee was peacefully lying down, not a trace of cruelty and coldness she had when she was awake was shown and it could have fooled him into naivety, but Yoon Sohee was a girl born to be in this type of world Sena did not belong in – full of treachery and bloodshed.

                  He heartlessly tapped her shoulder and shook her awake, and when she finally blinked, he quickly withdrew his hands and narrowed his eyes. “Wake up. You are needed.” And not another word was spoken as he left the cabin. Jongin never got associated with any of Sang Hyun’s allies unless it was absolutely necessary and advantageous for him to do so. It was just his personality. He did not like people – at all. And yet there would still be exception to the category.

                  “Where is she?” Sang Hyun looked up from his chair and threw the napkins away. Jongin glanced at the trace of blood and suppressed a satisfied smirk from forming. He forcefully pulled his backpack away from the seat and replied without looking back at Sang Hyun, “Somewhere in the back. Fixing her makeup, probably. I’m going down first.”

                  There were only ten of them travelling because Baekhyun refused to sacrifice more of his Shadow fighters to go back to Seoul and to fight against Sena. Everyone knew that Seiryuu had tightened up their headquarter’s security since the incident two years ago, and Baekhyun was not about to risk anything when he heard of Sena’s notorious beheading of her five Elders. It was a way to say ‘ the world and whoever dares mess with me’.

                  Sang Hyun was impatient, but Baekhyun could wait a few more months. He had more things to do as the leader of Byakko rather than obsessing over a young girl.

Jongin jumped down the stairs and was greeted by familiar faces of men he’d often seen in the newspaper and television. They were all rising politicians, backed by the Yoon clan. Undoubtedly Grandfather played a huge part in their sudden fame. They looked no older than forty and fifty, fat with protruding bellies, chubby, unlikeable cheeks and narrow, clueless eyes. Jongin hated these type of greasy men and he coldly stared at them, one by one, remembering their faces to be his next targets.

Patient, Jongin clutched tightly onto the string of his bag. He should not be rash. The last thing he wanted to do was being found out and killed off before he could accomplish anything. He wordlessly glared daggers at the ground and called a taxi. Cold did not bother him even when he only wore a thin long-sleeve V-neck and jeans. Now that he was in Seoul, he could do as he pleased. And in his mind, there was someone he wanted to meet first and foremost after he settled into his own apartment.