“Cheers. To our victory.”

                  It was a private celebration, attended by my closest Elites and his. Taeil and Kun were there, and all thirteen of Genbu’s Elites squad, scattered around in Seoul’s most prestigious ballroom. They mingled around freely with drinks in their hands. It was on this rare night that I finally got to see Seungcheol’s carefree smile, and I was glad that I did. I quietly slipped through the crowd, ignoring Sehun and Luhan’s calls, and proceeded to the balcony to breathe.

                  “A bit stuffy inside, don’t you think?”

                  Joonmyun came out with a marshmallow stick, his eyes twinkling like never before. He didn’t look as young as he used to, even with the casual short-sleeve shirt he wore. It hadn’t been that long since he left my headquarter, but his face slimmed down a lot. The bones on his cheeks stood out most under the dim orange light, highlighting the features of the Joonmyun I knew but seemed so far away from me. I looked away and gulped down the red wine in my hand, blinking away my emotion as I tried to push down my rapid outburst.

                  “Yes, it is. I came out to take a break from all that noises. It’s getting to me, you know?” I tried to smile, and I really did. I felt happy for Joonmyun, and I was sure I was among the first to congratulate him for his success. The crown should have been his in the first place – everyone knew this, but no one else knew the hard work we put in to make sure it would not be a waste. Whatever he felt right now, I felt it for him. I shared his pain when he was weak. I shared his anger when he was shamed. And now that he was happy, I should be twice as proud. I should.

                  “I can tell. Your face is red and all. Are you sure you’re not drunk, Dearest, Darling?” He cooed at me and threw his arm around my neck. I held my breath and let him embraced me. In this whole world, he was the one, aside from Kim Jongin and Oh Sehun, who could truly make me feel at home. I was not drunk, but my face was red from holding back. I burped out uncharacteristically as Joonmyun covered his mouth to laugh. The sound of his joyous cackle brought upon a small smile to my face as I snuggled closer for warmth.

                  “I won’t get drunk tonight, Kim Joonmyun. It’s your night. You can get wasted,” I softly commented as I handed him a bottle of Shiraz I brought to the balcony. He accepted it gladly and without his usual sarcasm, pouring the glass full and drank it in one-shot. I didn’t bother to tell him to take it slow, either. His grip on my waist loosened as we both pulled away. I sat on the edge, a dangerous inch away from falling down from the thirty-third floor. But I was not afraid.

                  Sometimes I felt that life was like this. At times slipping out of control and then came back all at once. We were facing each other, and yet our eyes were glancing at the other direction. Or at least mine was. The atmosphere was tense and heavy with words unspoken. Joonmyun squeezed my cheeks affectionately and commented with an amused smirk, “You’ve lost so much baby fat. Now that I am looking at you properly, you look more mature, prettier, more graceful, and yet your heart is still the same Sena I know. How could you stay like that? How could you not change in a world like this?”

                  I chortled and chuckled, “You’re probably the only one who would say that. They all say I’m a changed person now, especially since I cold-heartedly handle everything. Even these hands you’ve touched have turned red from all the sins I have committed. In that sense, I feel a little bit of regret, Joonmyun. Everyone hates me for what I did – because I’m angry and bitter towards the whole world. Shouldn’t you hate me, too? At least show a bit of disgust towards me, will you? Then I would not have to face another sleepless nights, pondering how I could atone for my sins.”

                  “Guilt is part of humanity, Sena. It is what makes us different from others,” He sounded almost nonchalant about it. He ed the first two buttons on his black shirt and fanned himself as I joked dryly, “Please don’t strip, Joonmyun. I’ve seen that drunk habit of yours too many times and I can’t say that I don’t like it. But imagine the horror when the staffs find your - sorry condition first thing in the morning, facing the balcony, drunk and sleeping. Would they report you to the police as a ert or would they dump your body all the way from the highest floor?”

                  “Oh come on,” He teased and raised his eyebrows suggestively, “Who can resist this body? We’ve had too many encounters that you should remember the details well.”

                  “Please stop. Too much information is disgusting,” I held up my hand to the laughing Joonmyun. The sound of my laughter caught up in my throat and I was suddenly unable to fathom this unspeakable sadness in my heart. I was happy, yes, but then again, in a sense, I was losing him. I was so used to his presence in the house, to his unforgiving jokes and smart remarks that I could not bear the thought of letting him go. It was not a forever farewell, but somehow, it felt like I was saying goodbye to him for a long time to come.

                  “Come here,” He gestured as I jumped down to his welcoming arms. “I’m gonna miss you so much, Sena. Your sarcasm has helped through the darkest times of my life.” And though it was meant to sound light-hearted, I heard his sincerity and felt him stiffened as he talked. There was very little movement as I drown in the bliss of that moment. It was funny how simple a blessing of life could be, and how much we were willing to sacrifice for it. “You are probably the best thing to have happened to me in this God-damned life.”

                  “If you want to start a long-winded goodbye speech, stop.” I hit him lightly on the chest. It wasn’t meant to hurt, but he flinched. “I don’t need to hear your farewell words, because I know. I don’t want to hear it.”

                  I didn’t cry, not because I was strong enough to hold it back, but because I had forced myself to swallow it all. Bitter it might be, but I didn’t want Joonmyun’s last memory of me to be a tear-stained face with disgusting snorts everywhere. He stood very still, and for a moment, everything was alright. The world felt fine and calm again. “I don’t want to say goodbye, either, but we both know it’s not forever. It’s not like I am happy to leave, either. There is always Skype and a short flight from Singapore to Seoul. We can always meet each other anytime we want, can’t we?”

                  “I know. I helped you because you owed me a big favour to make up for the loss,” I sniffed and stared at his brown eyes. There was something so sinister about the greed and ambition in his eyes, but then I comforted myself thinking that I was not one he should be wary of. I was his best friend, as he was mine. We were inseparable, regardless of the distance that pulled us apart. Our hearts would always voluntarily came back to each other, because he was half of mine, as I was half to his. Together, we were invincible. In him, I had found a soulmate – a friend to share my burden and joy with. And for that, I was forever grateful.

                  “There. That’s the strong-willed Sena I admire,” Joonmyun wiped the tears that fell down my cheeks. “You know I love you, right? Not as a friend, but as a man to his beloved. This engagement might be a plot to you, but for me, it was very much real.” His confession didn’t take me aback as much as I had expected to. Perhaps I had known from a long time ago, but I refused to acknowledge it. “I think I should at least tell you honestly for one last time. My feeling for you, regardless of the things we’ve been through, have always been real.” And it would always be something special for years to come.

                  “You love me, but not enough to let go of your ambition to lead Genbu. I think we have it fair and square,” I chuckled and proposed a toast for him. I wanted so, very badly to tell him I once felt the same, before I met Kim Jongin and knew what love truly was. That man might destroy me, but without him, I would never know what it was like to fall head over heels for someone. It was all a fond memory now. “Congratulations, Kim Joonmyun. May the Gods bless your reign over Genbu.”

                  He nodded, “To forever and more.”  

                  Three hours from then, when everyone else was drunk on the ground, I left the room quietly. The last image I had seen on Joonmyun’s face was a peaceful boy I knew from my youthful year, when I was more reckless and rebellious. I shook of the image of our first kiss shared together and convinced myself this was for the best. I might not love him the way he loved me, but I would never want to steal his happiness away. He deserved whatever he was getting, because his hard work did pay off in the end.

                  Tears poured down my face, and for whatever reason I cried, I was yet to figure out. There was just this inexplicable sadness that came to me when I slipped out of the room, not wanting to hear anymore goodbye from anyone else. Sehun stirred on the ground, and woke up at the sound of my snort and the door opening and closing. He was also the first to follow me in silence, without saying anything else. I was not ashamed to say that I cried out loud in front of him that night, finally confessing to everything I did in nothing but sobs.

                  “There, there, just let it all go,” He patted my head gently. “Come, Sena. I’ll drive you back home.”

                  He grabbed my hands and squeezed it with his warmth. Sehun took off his white cardigan and pushed it to my chest with a stern, but caring expression. Out of all my Elites, he was the most confusing one. I looked at him for a good few seconds before draping his cardigan over my trembling body and got into the front seat of his black-striped Range Rover. He was clearly still sleepy, judging from the half-lidded eyes and tired yawn. I should not have disturbed his sleep earlier, and now I felt bad.

                  “Do you feel cold?”

                  That was the thing about Oh Sehun. He could be so caring, and yet I couldn’t help but question his sincerity. The closer I was to knowing him, the more afraid I became. One Jongin was enough. I didn’t need another heartbreak, and right now Sehun was making it hard for me. I struggled underneath his cardigan, feeling his warmth and smelling his fragrant. I stole a glance, and he was looking at me from time to time while keeping his eyes on the road. It would take more than an hour and a half from central Seoul to my headquarter.

                  “I’m fine. Are you cold?” I wanted to hand over the cardigan, but he chuckled and shook his head.

                  “It’s yours to keep. You can wipe the tears with it and do whatever you want,” He said it nonchalantly and kept his hands on the steering wheel. I stared down at his cardigan and felt its injustice of being thrown away by its owner. This time I swore off of love. I would never like anyone that much anymore. I didn’t want to risk trusting and being broken. Once was enough. And to do that, I must stay far, far away from Oh Sehun. Even if it meant hurting both of us in the process. It was after all, for the best of everyone’s.