Chapter 5

Every waking moment for me was like a battle with my own demons. Many times I'd dream of the same dream. Of the same person. Of the same moment. Of Jongin. I would always try to right myself in my dreams, but there was never a chance anything would change. It was always the same dream.

But I wouldn't be afraid. I'd still want to breathe. To wake up. I knew I deserved it. To be haunted, and to live with those memories. I would always let him haunt me. Because I know, in the morning, when I wake up, there would always be Sehun to calm me. Even though he didn't know what the nightmares were about, even though I would never tell him in a gazillion years who I was dreaming about, he would still be there. He wouldn't ask, wouldn't force the words out of me, and it would be enough that he was there. He would always be enough.

But not anymore.

I could still remember everything—every word, all the pain, the emptiness. When light left my eyes, it was all I could feel until there was nothing left to feel. He left a bigger hole in my heart because he was the one constantly there, and yet with a single blow, I couldn't be sure of everything I know about him. He fed me with lies. It was already something to hurt me, but what could be worse than being lied to? Being betrayed? Breaking my trust? How was I even to believe that he loved me? He was all but words.

I knew everything wasn't just a dream. Because I tried closing my eyes once, and I was still stuck at that road, rain drizzling down like a storm. The pain was there, and it was because of Sehun.

The second time I closed my eyes, I knew it was all real because my heart ached and broke many, many times; until everything became a blur and the world started spinning so fast around me. Too fast that I didn't know what happened.

The third time I closed my eyes, it was the moment I knew I died. Not.

I felt the softness of the mattress underneath me and I knew I was saved. Saved from danger but not from heart break. Someone must have seen me and voila! They brought me to the hospital with broken bones, punctured lungs, steel sticking to my side, or maybe with a dismembered body part. Gross. Way to plan how I was found. But with that excruciating pain that cruised through my body before I went unconscious. I must have been in a grave accident.

Or perhaps it was yet another dream.

Dizziness attacked me the moment my eyes fluttered open, and blinding lights greeted me. It was too bright, squinting was even harder than before. I closed my eyes again wishing for the dizzy feeling to disappear. But it didn't. I shifted to my side with minimal difficulty, and dangled my legs on the side of the bed. My vision was blurry and unsteady. My body felt a thousand times heavier that I even needed to support myself by holding onto the bed when I got off it. Instantly, dizziness was like gravity pulling me down. I fell to the floor. My legs didn't even feel like mine, because when I tried to stand up for the first, second, third, fourth and fifth time, I only fell down over and over. Gladly, on my sixth try, I was able to stand up, holding to a pole as I did.

The first thing in my mind when I stood up was to pee, and so I tried going to the bathroom in my room, but then something was stopping me from doing so. Pulling and forcing myself free was only sending a prickling pain on my left hand. I looked at the back of my left hand and saw a needle stuck through my skin, a line connecting it to some sort of solution in an IV bottle hanged up at the pole I had held onto. I widened my eyes, realization hitting me. And quickly without thinking, I pulled the needle out of my skin along with the tapes that held it in place. I was in a hospital.

I felt damned. Shivers ran down my spine to my fingers and toes. So, I really got into an accident? Sehun really cheated on me? I felt my eyes suddenly stinging with tears. This wasn't happening. No, it wasn't.

I touched my arms, my face, and looked down my legs. "I didn't get anything dismembered." I muttered to myself, almost crying in relief. It was already a miracle that I wasn't that injured, just a few abrasions on my knees and legs.

But then it hit me, the pain I felt last night was so real. I can't believe that these wounds were all that I got from that accident! Even though I couldn't remember what really happened, I knew I got into something ugly. I could have died.

Shaking my head in disbelief, I still considered everything being a dream. There must be some sort of explanation to that nightmare. It couldn't be that it didn't happen. But I wasn't so sure anymore. I should probably seek my relief first, however, before thinking again. Just trying to flood my mind with the memories was already giving me a headache. Right. Let me pee first.

I walked into the bathroom in my room, lowered my under garments and sat down on the toilet. Relief washed over when I finished.

And like every damn time I do—it was a habit, okay?—I looked at myself in the mirror. I paled upon seeing my reflection. Touching my face repeatedly, squishing, pulling on my cheeks, slapping my face until it hurt and burnt, I started hyperventilating. A loud scream erupted in my room and it came from me. I fell onto the tiled floor, almost yelping at the coldness that seeped through the thin fabric of my hospital gown.

"How can this happen?" I muttered to myself, still disbelieving.

It was me in the mirror! I'm sure it was me! But then it wasn't! That was me but I looked younger. How could that be?

Then suddenly, the door to my room rattled open loudly, a familiar shrill cry rang along with other voices.

"Soori! My God! Where is my daughter?!" Mom?!

I still couldn't believe anything, and now even mom was here? I tried reasoning that maybe she and dad just drove to Busan after hearing what happened to me, but then my gut feeling told me it wasn't really the case.

"I-I'm here." I croaked out, my throat parched dry from thirst.

Immediately mom's face appeared in front of me. There were tears in her eyes as she touched my face and asked me the most important question, "are you okay?" No.

"Yes." I lied. It was the easiest thing to say.

"Oh my God!" She suddenly screamed, lifting my left hand. "Look how much you bled! You mustn't have stood up and removed the needle!" It was only then that it occurred to me, I looked down, and saw blood seeping out from the punctured hole on the back of my hand. It was almost a bloodbath on the spot where my hand had laid on the floor. I cringed at the sight.

"Put this on top of the puncture site." I heard dad say. Mom reached out for the gauze he had offered and pressed it onto the back of my hand. "Make sure to put enough pressure to stop the bleeding." Dad said again in his doctor voice. He was one after all.

They helped me up, and assisted me out of the bathroom. Laying me down again on the bed, some nurses were already taping the gauze that mom had pressed onto my punctured skin to hold it in place. I thanked them before they left and shifted my attention to my parents. It was only then I realized they are in their hospital clothes.

"How are you feeling now, Soo?" Mom asked. But I ignored her.

"Mom, dad" I said, shifting my gaze at each of them alternately in repetition. Mom had kind, expectant eyes gazing down at me. "Why are you wearing those clothes?" I gestured at their attire, and they looked at me as if I had just grown two heads.

"Honey, of course we'd be in our uniforms. It's our shift, remember?" She answered, placing her hand on top of my head, caressing my hair.

The cogs in my brain started turning again after hearing what she said. Shift. Shift. Shift. . What is going on here? How come my mom has a shift at this freaking hospital?! She’s not working here anymore! For goodness sake, we already moved…how come she’s wearing the uniform at this local hospital in Busan she, yes, used to work at as a nurse? And dad, he was wearing that freaking lab coat! I couldn’t take my eyes off them, because even if I blinked again and again, they still had those clothes on.

“But mom, dad, I’m pretty sure you came all the way from Seoul to visit me. Why are you suddenly working here?” I had that feeling of amusement as I pointed at them. “Are you perhaps pranking me? It isn’t April Fool’s Day though!” I bit back a laugh.

They looked back at me clearly confused, then they exchanged knowing looks. It hit me slowly that they must have not really understood me. But… why? “Did she perhaps hit her head hard? She’s saying weird things, honey.” Mom asked dad worriedly, sparing me a short glance.

Dad’s lips pressed to a grouchy line, his brows furrowing together. “But the tests said otherwise. I looked at her x-ray film, and there was no damage. She should be fine. Should we run another test to make sure?” They were talking as if I wasn’t there, and that irked me.

“Dad! Mom!” They hastily shifted their attention back to me. I was fuming. “What are you talking about? I don’t understand!” I felt really awful shouting at them but then it was hard not to let my feelings out. Everything was so confusing. My head keeps spinning. My thoughts were getting out of control and I don’t know what to make of my situation anymore.

“The last thing I could remember, I-I’m at the summer house. We came to the summer house all the way from Seoul. Me and my friends. We had our high school reunion and then… then…Sehun…Jinah…they…” I unwarrantedly started crying again. I covered my face with my hands in utter embarrassment. I never thought I still had the tears to cry. My parents should have never seen me like this.

“I drove away with Minyoung’s car because I was so mad. I felt so betrayed.” The words fell out from my mouth naturally. Nonstop. “It was raining, and the road was slippery. But I didn’t care. I wanted to die anyway.” I started bawling louder, Mom wrapped her arms around my shoulders and tried coaxing me. “I drove faster than I ever did before… and then I didn’t know what happened...but I knew…I knew…I was going to die. But look at me now.” I pulled away from mom and pulled up my sleeves, showing her my unscathed arms. I looked down at my legs and showed her the abrasions, trying to make a point, but she only scrunched up her nose. “Why weren’t I badly hurt? How would you explain that after what happened last night?”

At this, dad seemed to lose his patience a bit. He massaged the creases on his forehead and that somehow eased him up. Taking a step closer to me, he said, “Soo, you were brought to the hospital this afternoon. Nothing happened to you last night. You. Fainted. This. Afternoon. That is the only reason why you are here. Stop thinking of dying or wanting to get badly hurt. You must be confused.” He drawled out his words carefully, as if it was the only way for me to understand. Yet, all that he said felt like alien language to me.

I couldn’t get a go