Minjee

The day to day life we had came back to normal after a month or so. It was like nothing happened on the outside because the streets were still busy and moving; bustling in broad daylight and sleeping through the peaceful night. Life was a memorized routine again.

But on the inside, all of us who had known Soori all our lives were still broken. Sometimes I even wondered why we could not just stay broken while life continued to tick away. Why can’t we just stop for a while as the others moved? Why can’t we just quit if we wanted to and stop for her? I had asked myself that question a million times while I was in Kyungsoo’s arms or just alone, crying.

Kyungsoo had never seen me so broken like that. But that was our Soori I was so broken for, so he understood why I was so sad. Because I loved that girl with all I had. She was already like a sister to me; and with everything we had been through I knew that she also thought that way for us. So, I thought, I would cry for as long as I wanted for her. But then Kyungsoo made me realize why I shouldn’t stop my life.

“If it isn’t going to be you, then who is going to be strong for us, Minjee?” He once told me when I was crying to him because I had just come from the hospital after witnessing Soori having an arrest and she was being revived by the doctors and nurses. It had been a successful revival, but I still cried outside her room out of relief and dread.

I was so scared to realize that we could still lose her even if she had the best team to take care of her, or even if she was being monitored day and night nonstop, or even if we looked after her without blinking a sleep. She could die because she stopped fighting for her own life. And I was so damn scared to wake up one day hearing the news that she already died, that she already left us, so I cried every waking moment. Especially at mornings when I would dream of her actually looking so healthy and playful, running along the beach with us, and then suddenly she’d head towards the sea, attempt to swim through the tides, sink under the water, and would not ever come back up at the surface. At this, I’d wake up sweating and crying. Kyungsoo would eventually stir awake next to me and would coax me. I was just glad that he never got tired of me for waking almost every day like that before. Until I got better in handling my own fears and I dreamed less of nightmares about Soori.

Kyungsoo gave me all the support I needed. He was my strength. He had always been my strength, but this difficulty proved how much he loved me. And I loved him even more because of that. He made me realize that I couldn’t just stop because I was so sad. There were other people around me who were experiencing something much worse, and I realized because of him that I could still live this life normally despite what happened to Soori. Life was beautiful, he said. We only needed to see the beauty in it under the thick ugly layer.

Time must have stopped for Soori, but life wasn’t going to stop for me. So I tried to live again. But this time I knew that I wasn’t just doing it for myself. I was also doing this for Soori. Because if she couldn’t live her life yet, I wanted to live mine for her. So when she wakes up one of these days, she would smile at me and say how much I had done a good job staying strong for the others and living life even if we were all just barely hanging on to a thin thread of hope.

Soori might be sleeping now, but I knew how selfless she was, and she would have approved if we lived smiling even just a little at these moments. And though I was still trembling inside, and always felt like I was gonna cry, I promised her that I would do my best to be strong for the others who couldn’t be as strong on the outside as I was.

Hana had been like the me before just two weeks ago, but when she heard how Soori had been on some arrests and kept being unstable at unexpected times, it was as if something clicked in her head and ever since then she had been going more often to the hospital than not. I knew that she was just giving us many excuses to not visit Soori because just like all of us, she was afraid to admit that Soori was not well and that she could die. She wanted to pretend that Soori was still the perfectly healthy and smiling girl she knew. And she didn’t actually want to show us how vulnerable she was because she knew we saw her as the toughest among all of us. She wanted to pretend she was merely affected by the news. But anyone could only handle so much until they break. And when she finally came here for the first time, she could only hold the tears for a short time before she broke down outside Soori’s room.

But after that, whenever Hana visited, she would bring a book and sit next to Soori’s bed. She’d read her a story even if it was a long one and would stay until she finished. Sometimes it would already be midnight when she finished, but she didn’t really mind. In fact, all of us didn’t mind staying. If it wasn’t for our jobs, we would have stayed by Soori’s side for as long as we could.

“Hey, you guys noticed right? Ever since I started reading Soori stories, she started having a healthier color on her.” She once boasted when everyone of us were in the room one Saturday afternoon. It was a day off and we decided it was best for the gang to visit together once every week just like a mini gathering in Soori’s room.

Chanyeol laughed and said, “Yah. Aren’t you being too boastful Hana? She is like that because Mrs. Han and Sehun has been taking care of her.”

Hana crossed her arms, pouting at Chanyeol. “I wasn’t boasting. I was just saying what I have observed. Besides, Soori’s face looks more pleasant ever since I started reading her stories. The doctor even praised me for doing that since he said even if she was sleeping, she could still hear us very well. She must have been very pleased to listen to such good stories from me.” She defended.

“I suppose she really liked the children stories you made her listen to almost all the time.” Luhan chimed while playing with a rubix cube in his hands. Everyone could tell that he was just teasing Hana so they laughed over the jesting while Hana groaned in irritation.

But it was true we had seen Hana reading Soori children’s stories in a book she bought from the children’s section at the bookstore across the hospital. She read it more often than the novels she knew Soori really liked because she believed comatose patients liked light and happy stories. The doctor told her that, according to her. And she would tell us she was just following the doctor’s advice every time we would laugh at her for reading about the Three Little Pigs, Little Red Riding Hood, Snow White, Cinderella, Little Mermaid, and Sleeping Beauty. She knew we wouldn’t be able to say something snarky back if she told us that excuse, but what she didn't know was we only always let her be in the end.

Sehun was always with us every Saturday. He always sat at the couch farthest to Soori’s bed and remained silent almost all the time. He had been in and out of the hospital to take care of her and go to work in his Father’s company on weekdays, so even if it felt like he wasn’t really in the room whenever we began to become noisy, we learned to let him be. We understood that he had the hardest time among all of us now, and all that we could give him was the time he needed to himself. It was the least we could do for him. And even though his smiles became scarce now, we were already grateful when he smiled every time I or Chanyeol or Luhan joked.

But besides that, we always worried for him. He hadn’t been himself ever since the night of Soori’s accident. He went to work, went home for a while to take a bath and change his clothes, then came back to the hospital for Soori. But it was like he forgot how to live. He didn’t eat most of the time so we even always had to plan dinners outside just to remind him that he shouldn’t starve himself or else he was the next one who was going to be sick.

“If Soori can see you right now she would be really disappointed because you’re not taking care of yourself.” We would always tell him whenever he turned down our offers to eat outside.

He really looked an unhealthy pale color, with eyes sunken, his hair was a mess, his suit and tie would always be unkempt, and you would really notice how much weight he had lost after two months because he looked bonier now. He was still handsome, but he didn’t shine the same way he did before the accident. When he was with Soori before, he always glowed with happiness and love; and I understood that was because he had her. But now, yes, he had her, and yet he didn’t. Because she was sleeping. He couldn’t really talk to her and hear her respond to him even if he wanted to say how much he loved her.

“I’m fine.” He would assure us, but with the distressed look on his face, one could easily tell that he wasn’t really fine. “Besides, I don’t want to leave her alone.”

“I’ll watch over her while you guys eat outside then.” I would always say as an automatic response.

He would look a little relieved, but you could tell that Sehun was still worried every time he would hear a good offer to him for a break. He was just as afraid as each of us was to leave her side for a moment, worrying that something bad might happen to Soori if we left her.

“But what about you?” He’d ask me.

I would shake my head and smile in reassurance to him. “I already ate. Don’t worry about me.” At this, he would look at Kyungsoo for confirmation, and when he would nod in approval, it was the only time Sehun would actually leave the stool he had been sitting on 24/7 next to Soori’s bed.

“I’ll be back in no time.” He would always tell Soori before going, and would not forget to kiss her forehead like he always did—not even a miss every time he visited.

It was such a sweet gesture that I always smiled every time he did that to Soori. It was like promising his love to her over and over again even if Soori would never respond to him for all the days he had kissed her. But I knew that Soori could feel every affectionate touch he gave her. And I knew that if she was just awake, she would have been smiling from ear to ear because of Sehun. Soori’s happiness had been that very simple. She always believed that the little things were what mattered more than the big things in her life.

The moment I would be left alone in the room, I would always look around and take in what was in front of me. I always wondered how the room had been such a familiar place to us now. It was like a second home already because we frequented it more than our own homes. It was ironic to think about it that way, but honestly, I liked the quiet here more than my own room. Because I knew I wasn’t alone here. Soori was with me even if she was sleeping.

“So until when are you planning to sleep, Soo?” I would always ask her as a joke and then I’d laugh to myself after a long silence because she still won’t respond to me.

Her face was always like a blank canvass now, void of any emotions. We didn’t know what she was feeling—whether she was in a lot of pain, or she wanted to smile when she heard us laughing, or when she was actually crying because she couldn’t talk to us. The only indications that we knew she was actually feeling well was when we saw her turn a little pink color, or when we would hold her hand and she was warm. We always assumed that she was having good dreams then and hoped she always had them.

“Can you really hear us when we talk to you like this?” I asked her, holding her hand that was warm as mine. I raised it to my cheek and let it stay there so I could feel her even more. She felt warmer today, I could just tell. She must be getting better now.

“You’re waking up soon I can just tell.” I told her again, letting my lips smile at my very wishful thinking.

While everyone was gone, I would hold her hand a little longer. Just to feel how alive she was despite being in a comatose. And it would be enough to actually push myself to live another day.

But there were also times when I was just so sad and I'd find myself looking into space—at every corner of the room, and at every article in the room, wondering if she was actually there. If her spirit was there just watching us the whole time. And I'd imagine her actually holding me right now even though I was just assuming she was actually doing that. I'd close my eyes, hug myself, and rock the both of us side by side. I had comforted myself this way whenever I was here alone with her. If I just found myself suddenly wanting to cry, but couldn't. I'd call her in mind and imagine her hugging me. She'd hug me till I calmed down. So when I opened my eyes again, I was feeling better.

"Come back to us quickly, Soo." I'd keep reminding her as I placed my hand on top of hers on the bed. "We miss you so much."

Life without the bubbly Soori was not a normal life as I had expected. Before, she was the ball of sunshine that kept as together. She made sure she could always meet us despite her busy schedule with her own company all set up. She also made it a point to remind us that Saturdays were family days—meaning, it was a day for movies, popcorns, sodas and beers, sleepovers at her and Sehun’s house. It was often like that; and we were really happy.

But now the only time we would definitely see each other was rare as Saturdays too. Not all the time. After all, there was no Soori to force us to go to lunch or go try out a new café in the city on weekdays. Now, whenever we chanced upon each other on a weekday in Soori’s room, it was because it was our shift to look after her. Sometimes I’d neglect the shifts and just stay inside the room just to procrastinate and do what Soori would do. Talk to her friends, make them feel less lonely, and just be there for them even by just merely staying silent.

And when morning came, I’d wake up before everyone woke up and head to Soori’s office since we had been alternating to help her manage her company. Kyungsoo and I had studied business and was more comfortable doing all the managerial tasks, so we volunteered directing the company in Soori’s stead. And so far, we managed to—barely—salvage the company from hitting rock bottom.

Her