Chapter 8

"Look how dull this room looks. I bet you haven't even repainted it since you were 10." I started, raising my legs so the soles of my feet were flat on his wall—threading the rough, chipped off paint already losing its vibrance—while I was lying back on the comfort of his bed. "I can redecorate it for you if you want. Your best friend here has graduated—"

"…Interior Design at the infamous S University in Seoul, established your own company, had a reputable work etique, and you were pretty in demand." He sighed tiredly. I looked back at him and saw him rolling his eyes before turning his swivel chair around to face his homework, again, on his study table. "How many times are you planning to brag about your degree and your career? I already told you I am not interested in redecorating this room anytime soon. It would just be a hassle. And besides, I love my room as it is. So, if you may Soori, can you just go home, do your homework"

"I already told you, I finished both my essays in literature and homework in History and Calculus earlier so I have time. Can't you justwait, so does this mean I managed to finish everything faster than you did?" I sat up on his bed from my lying position and grinned, his slumped back was what greeted me. "Wow. Wow. Wow. This is cool. You used to finish everything before I even could. But now, I managed to do faster!" I mused, maniacally cackling while clapping like a seal.

He groaned, irked that I was bragging. "Its not fair you already know everything and I dont, so dont be too overjoyed about such a measly thing." He grumbled, scrawling on his notebook furiously.

I chuckled, swinging my legs off his bed and strutting towards him. "Its not that I know everything. In fact, I can only remember half of everything since I am still not good at memorizing! But because your best friend here is really, really nice, she can try and help you with things you are having a hard time with!" I said, pulling an extra chair from near his bed, putting it next to his, and sitting down.

He rolled his chair away when I pulled my chair even closer to his, our knees almost bumping. "Id rather not ask you to help me and inflate that ego of yours. Besides, I hate to break this to you, but just to remind you, I still don't trust you." He said, and even though I heard the tinge of hesitance at his word choice, it still felt relatively hurtful to hear him say those words.

Trust? Why was it so easy to trust others and yet so hard to gain someone else's trust? I hardly could fathom out why.

But then I'd think of Sehun and I again—he never failed to pop in my mind every now and then—and I'd eventually understand why. I had easily fallen in love with him even though he was still that skinny, pale, less handsome (not that it had discounted on his charm) kid in middle school, and built this friendship with him in that one class we shared in high school, until I felt like I could already entrust him with my life (school girls' delusional and immature thoughts), and I said yes when he asked me to be his girlfriend after a ton of contemplation, then we moved into our own home, acted like a real married couple, until he finally proposed to me, and without even another breath of hesitation—albeit the drama—I said yes.

"Han Soori, I know you just woke up—your lovely bed hair all the more proves—" I smiled upon remembering the exact words he said that day, "and I haven't greeted you a happy birthday yet—but not that that couldn't wait—" He looked so nerve-racked as he forced out a smile, not in a million years I had ever seen him that way, and as he kneeled down in front of me while I was sitting on the side of our bed, still clad in my childish mickey mouse pajama, I held my breath when he pulled a blue velvety box out from his pants' pocket and presented it to me, opened it and showed me the same ring that sat around my ring finger for not that long before everything happened. "I know this is not done in the most romantic way any girl would want it to be, but if there is something I couldn't wait further to do, it is this. To ask you to be forever mine."

Sure, he was right about that moment being not so romantic, but to me it felt already too magical that I told myself to forget that I just woke up that moment, forget that I had bed hair, forget that I haven't brushed my teeth yet, because my boyfriend was damn right in front of me, about to ask me to marry him.

So, when he asked everything that I had dreamt of him actually asking me after seven or so years—seven or so years of painstaking but worth it wait—I wasn't able to hold back myself anymore.

"Will you, Han Soori, marry me, Oh Sehun, and live the rest of your life with me till eternity?"

Th first thing that I thought of when he finally uttered out those words were 'Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! I'm getting married! Freaking getting married!', but before I could even think of a second thing to think of, I was already aware I was crying. Crying because I was extremely, absolutely, amazingly, immensely happy. You know that kind of 'happy' that because you have no words to describe it and because you were already overcame by your feelings banging every walls of your head and pinching the insides of your heart that you cry? Yes, it was that kind of happy for me that same moment.

Sehun was utterly flustered, not knowing what to do about me since I simply cried without even answering his question yet. "Are you crying because you couldn't answer me yet or because you're just too happy that I asked? A yes or no would have sufficed." He said, clearing away the unruly hair hiding my face and wiping away the wetness on my cheek.

I chuckled, nodding my head vaguely without giving the answer first. It was funny that when I needed my voice the most, it won't just normally come out like it's supposed to.

But eventually, as a smile of reassurance blossomed on his face as he looked at me lovingly, I said, "Yes, I will marry you."

Even before those very moments, Sehun already owned my whole heart. But I trusted him even more, that he wouldn't ever hurt me, when he proposed. It was everything I needed to hear, and I'd more than willingly offer him everything that I had, that I am. Because, didn't that mean he wanted to share everything with me too, in return? Didn't that mean we finally reached the highest form of understanding to completely submit to something as big as sacred matrimony?

The saddest thing to it though was that it wasn't all long lived till the truth left his lips and I heard the most ridiculous thing I didn't believe a guy like him could actually commit—betraying me.

Finally having a clearer mind than that day, I could finally describe how awfully, tear-jerkingly, stabbingly, horrendously painful it was to be hurt by the person you loved the most. Many people had said it, the most painful heartaches could be caused by the people you loved the most, but I didn't believe it till it happened to me. The pain was as excruciating as being stabbed a hundred times, being pushed off a cliff head first and landing on hard ground with broken bones, being attacked by a migraine which any painkillers wouldn't be able to kill, like when you get slapped for being such a , like scraping a knee after falling off your bike, like accidentally tripping and landing on your , like sloppily diving in water with a bad fall, like being shot with a bullet after the trigger is pulled, the face of the person I love being the culprit to all the accidents. I wish there were better ways, easier ways to describe the pain, but those things were all I could think of—and yet it's funny how those words weren't still enough to describe exactly how was the pain like.

Funny how painful it was and yet I couldn't deny how I still love Sehun despite the pain he caused. Funny how despite that I couldn't find myself trusting him fully again, I had this thought at the back of my mind that there was some kind of  good explanation as to what I had heard from him say that day. Look at the irony.

Was this a sign that I'm still hopeful we could fix everything? Was this me still giving him a second chance? Was this me still wanting him? Was I willing to forgive him for the sake of something greater, something like our love and the many years we made it through together in life? I wish I could just say yes, yes, and yes to everything. But half of me was not convinced with myself anymore.

I had loved him too much that I always did everything for him. I did everything that would make him happy. But was I happy the entire time? Was it all worth it? Was he all worth it? If you would ask the dumb, blinded 25 year old me these questions, I'd definitely say yes more than a hundred times in one breath; Sehun was worth everything that I had. But if you would ask the me now, I would simply say no. No, I wasn't happy the entire time doing many things for him while sacrificing half of what made me happy. No, it wasn't worth it because we were hardly close to being the perfect couple; I did many things for him but they were all barely enough. No, he wasn't worth it because he managed to easily break my heart.

Maybe I was trying to be too positive—that it was nothing but wrong and stupid—because I was in denial, or that I was feeling terribly unable to let go of him for everything that we had.

"I'm sorry I couldn't prove to you everything." I told Jongin as I watched him still writing on his notebook.

He abruptly stopped after I spoke, his eyebrows furrowing and unfurrowing as he pondered over what I said. He was thinking. He had been doing that every time I spoke. At least he was trying to contemplate over my words. I really appreciated this side of him. I knew he kept trying on not offending me and understanding me, despite of himself saying otherwise.

"What is there to prove?" He said, getting back to his assignment, his head lowered.

"Everything that I told you. Everything I wish you could believe."

He sighed, stopping in doing  his task again. "Why is it even so important for me to believe you?" He asked, this time gazing at me.

I looked down, abashed to suddenly meet his gaze as I confessed, "Because you're all I have now. I-I know there's my family and our friends but, Jongin, this is not really home for me. But in this time, in this place I have you and you know everything that I couldn't tell anybody else. I told you those things because I was hoping you'd understand me the most. I know it was ridiculous and I was asking for too much for you to believe me when I couldn't even provide you any proof except whatever you saw me do." I gulped the lump that was in my throat and meekly, shyly, looked up at him. "But Jongin, strangely enough, if I could just make you believe me, I think...I think I could at least endure being in this place for as long as I am stuck here."

He blinked away, wordlessly refocusing on his assignment, almost ignoring me. My heart sank at his indifference. Wasn't he touched by my words? Wasn't he even at least shaken by whatever I said? I sighed, already owning up to another failed attempt to win him back. Maybe next time. Maybe next time, I told myself as I was about to stand up and retreat to his bed quietly. But then he called my name, and it was enough to stop me.

"You don't mind helping me in Calculus, right?" He asked. A grin immediately crept up on my lips and I nodded vigorously before sitting down again.

He pushed aside the assignment he was doing before and opened his book in Calculus to the page where our homework was. Now, this was numbers we were talking about; things that would normally cripple my sanity. But because he asked for my help, I wasn't even close to fainting or anything. All I was thinking was that 'Yes! He was actually moved! He was giving me a chance!' while I was teaching him some of the things I already knew from learning Calculus in college.

"You just have to substitute this to this and do the third step." I said as I scribbled an example on the piece of paper he gave me.

He nodded, attentively listening to me lecture. "But how do I know when to substitute?" He asked curiously, looking at me for a second.

I kept smiling as I tried explaining to him some of the principles he needed to know, and he actually took down notes like the good student that he was. For a moment, I almost forgot what kind of situation we still had as I stared at Jongin acting like nothing even happened between us before this. And surprisingly, I liked the light feeling being like this with him brought.

Finishing his work, he stretched his arms up and yawned. I watched in amazement how he still looked so good while doing such a thing, his arm muscles coming out strong as they stretched up above his head, and a patch of his lean stomach flashing as his shirt slightly lifted. I blinked away and stared at everything that wasn't him when I found myself oddly ogling at my very own best friend. What was even so wrong with me that I even stared at him like he—his stomach—was some kind of interesting specimen that needs lots of (my) attention?

"Are you okay?" He asked, raising a brow.

"Sure." I retorted, gulping. But deep down I was a ball of anxiety. He had no idea how wrong I was feeling for even openly staring at the—interesting—him. Heck, I bet, that was what erted girls in school would have done towards their prey—boys.

"Well then," he said, giving me a weird look. I scratched my temple nervously, hoping he wouldn't just push the inquiry about my well being. "...since I'm done with a few of my loads, do you perhaps want to grab something outside?"

I shifted my attention back to him, blinked a dozen couple of times, slapped my cheeks thrice before his words sunk in. "D-did you just ask me out?" I muttered out while looking straight at him in amazement.

"What are you..." He trailed off, suddenly not knowing what to say. Then he scratched his cheek nervously, and cleared his throat. "I wasn't...asking you out...I was..."

I, then, burst out laughing because I had this sudden feeling he misunderstood what I just asked in return (then again, I could have been mistaken to be asking him what he thought I actually did).

"S-sorry about that. It wasn't what I was asking." I managed to say as I recovered from laughter. "I was just surprised to hear you offer me something like—"

"Come on then." He pushed his swivel chair and stood up with a huff, his cheeks were a shade of deep red. "You have all the time in the world to annoy me, but I don't have it."

"What don't you even have?"

"Time!" He snapped, glaring back at me as he opened the door to his room.

I pouted, feeling slightly offended. "I should be saying that..." I muttered.

He squinted at me, letting me know how good was his super hearing that he actually heard me say that even if I was only muttering to myself. "Come out before I change my mind." He warned before stepping out.

"Fine!" I shouted, hopping off my seat and stalking behind him.

We bid Mrs. Kim goodbye, the woman waved back as she stirred the soup she was cooking with her occupied hand. Joonmyeon was in the living room studying his lessons seriously. But as soon as we emerged in the room, he looked at us and gave me the warmest smile he could muster.

"We're going out to grab