Chapter 10

Being the middle child wasn't really the most flattering thing that happened to me. In fact, I found it insufferable. It was like a disease reminding me of my place in the family—middleman, and how I should be—average; same reason why I hate the position I held. 

For one, Sunmi, the eldest was someone I saw holding the greatest power in our hierarchy. She was the leader; the one who should boss Jisoo and me in cases when mom was out. Gladly, Sunmi wasn't a power-trip and the two of us weren't treated like slaves. Instead, my older sister was responsible and very reliable; she did more things with or without us asking. She was the most independent—reason why she kept her summers productive by volunteering in the local hospital our parents were a staff of. She was also smart, pretty, with a sense of humor. She exuded this sort of charisma that touched the many hearts of boys. She was school's student body president. She was loved by the teachers for her outstanding performance. She had lots of friends. She was tall. She wasn't crazy like me. She was what every boy would dream of—in fact she dated three of the greatest guys in our high school during her time. She was just like dad in many aspects; especially pursuing medical school.

On the other hand, Jisoo, the youngest and only boy was a mama's boy. He just held as much power like my sister, but in the maknae way. He could easily make my parents bend to any of his requests. And although he's a fusion of Sunmi and Soori—smart but crazy—he was still better than me in every aspect. Like now, he was advanced to 2nd grade in elementary because he had aced the entrance exam he took plus the special exam that the school made him take to check if he was a little 'Einstein' like 10% of the other kids in our town. But unlike Sunmi, he wasn't a complete geek on the outside. In fact, he loved it outdoors. He was a soccer fanatic at heart. He loved hanging out with me—and that's how he learned the crazy stuff. I taught him how to be cynical and the childish ideas he was aware of—like aliens in our backyard, cookies with gummy worms tasting like heaven, flowers as homes for many Thumbelinas, Peter Pan hanging out in my room at night, and many other stupid lies I fed his mind. He had a really wide imagination so at seven he could already write a fictional story about some of our neighbors (he loved making fun of the crazy neighbors). Plus, he was really cute, so most of the girls in his elementary school had a not-so-secret crush at him which he either noticed but didn't acknowledge or completely wasn't really aware of. He was loved even by the relatives since he was a 'boy'—unfairly enough, boys were liked more in mom and dad’s family since the wives rarely bear one, and girls were like a common thing (they were used to having girls—and probably tired of it)and was everything they could ask for.

Meanwhile, being the middle child—Han Soori—didn’t give me much of a privilege. The title and position only made me less appealing, and probably really average. Even as a child, no one expected anything from me; like they knew I wouldn’t stand out because I was the middle person. Middle persons were bound to be overlooked, because there was nothing really spectacular about them. 

I wasn’t as pretty or as tall or as smart or as capable as Sunmi; I couldn’t cook, couldn’t launder, couldn’t solve math or physics problems (before!), couldn’t ride the bike (until now that I needed Jongin to be the driver), couldn’t make heads turn in my direction unlike Sunmi who was quite the catch. I was also a late bloomer in many aspects. Too naïve. Unlady-like. Plain. I hated dresses since Sunmi loved them and wore them often; it suited her, but never suited me. I wasn’t as social as my siblings that my circle of friends only revolved around Jongin, Minjee, Hana and Kyungsoo (one was my best friend for life while the other three were my best friends since middle school)and I was still average in many aspects compared to them. I loved to be cynical and the boys’ kind of play fascinated me so much that I never played Barbie. I liked soccer and softball but I wasn’t really that good at it. Stuffed bears were my last hints of being a girl—and it was mostly just given to me by my parents and Jongin (not from boys or suitors!). I couldn’t get away so easily with many things unlike my siblings since I wasn’t really charming, not my parents’ favorite, not any teachers’ pet.  And while most of my schoolmates were proud screwing each other (or someone else from another school) at our age, I was one of those who suffered unrequited love for such a long time. I only fell in love once. My only boyfriend was Sehun (who I still couldn’t imagine picking me despite the other lot who were better apples). He was the only guy I shared real kisses with and did something more intimate with (except for being in 3rd base!). But neither was he even my first kiss or my first hug—it was someone else that I couldn’t just overlook.

The only thing I was probably a little proud of was that I was creative—but not the best even in that aspect either—and that I do well with color coordination and drawing. I loved arts, painting, rearranging my room, doodling at the back of my notebook, making cards for my parents when I was a kid, sketching faces, or just writing in my journal. I loved doing something that takes time and effort, but most of all my siblings weren’t good at. I was such an envious little kid that I tried compensating for my averageness by excelling at one thing. Yet, that didn’t make me feel any better about myself because my parents seldom noticed me for it. They have more affinity for the sciences—which I never fancied or was good at—that most of the time they only praised the geniuses in our family; Sunmi and Jisoo. 

The only people who made me feel so important were: one, Jongin, and second, my grandma—dad’s mother. Jongin was my constant playmate since I was seven, so it had always been established that I would always be the second most important female in his life after his mother. Grandma, on the other hand, wasn’t really so uptight and was more like a cowgirl, that she liked how I was the middle child who was a free spirit. She loved that I was not uptight, that I had crazy ideas up my sleeves, that I was a paradoxical inclusion to my family, that I was unpredictable, that I didn’t simply bend to anyone, but most of all, that I liked all the sweets she baked, mainly because the rest of my family didn’t have a sweet tooth as severe as mine.

So, when grandma visited us on Wednesday morning, I was deeply exhilarated to see her entering through our front door that I jumped up from the bean bag I had been burning my on while studying with Jongin in the living room.

"Grandmaaaaa!" I squeezed the living daylights out of her. She giggled softly, seemingly unfazed by my strong grip around her. 

She patted my back, and then gave my temple a kiss, saying, "You missed me that much? I heard from your mother that you have been to the hospital twice so I came to check up on you. But now that I see you...you seem more than fine to me." She gave me a once over and smiled, then looked behind me. "You'boy, sure you fine? Is my granddaughter still giving you a hard time or not?" I looked back at Jongin, puffing my cheeks. 

He gave me the strangest of looks that didn't give away the slightest of his emotions, but said to grandma, "She's fine to me, halmeoni. But she has gotten worse after she fainted the first time that only I can tolerate her." He smirked at me. This earned a laugh from grandma. I killed Jongin once or twice with the 'You're dead' look, but he seemed unfazed. Wow.

"That is relieving to hear. I love my kick- Soori better than a weak and quiet kid. Besides, what's the fun with boring girls, right Jonginnie?" She winked at Jongin. I looked back at them to and fro, confused at the understanding they were sharing.

Then Jongin broke into a knowing smirk and said, "Right, halmeoni." I furrowed my eyebrows at them, trying to discern what was the secret message behind their words, wink, and smirks. But I couldn't decipher their code at all. It was like they were teaming up on me on something that I couldn't know.

"Are you guys planning anything that involves me?" I gazed at one after the other, scrutinizing the looks on their faces to see if it would give away anything.

Grandma, however, just shook her head and my cheek whilst smiling. "Crazy stuff Soori. We're planning something that would rock your world." She said with her smug—but kidding—grandma voice.

Jongin burst out laughing behind me, when he saw me gawking at grandma, utterly bewildered.

"You already rocked her world, halmeoni." He mused, beaming at the old lady in front of me.

Grandma nodded, placing something in my hands. "I'm going to check on your mother. Is she in the kitchen?" I nodded absently. "And, oh, that box has all the treats you love." I nodded again, still mulling over what just happened. Did they just make fun of me? Or they were really hiding something from me?

Grandma quickly disappeared into the kitchen. I gingerly my heel, facing Jongin with an expectant gaze—hoping for an explanation from him. He shrugged nonchalantly though, and quietly went back to writing his English essay.

I rushed to his side, immediately settling down not on the bean bag, but on the floor beside him, our knees bumping since he was sitting cross legged. I was willing to beg him to fill me in with anything, so I placed my hands on his knee, but he jerked away—completely looking like he didn't like that I just touched him. Or maybe that was surprise on his face. I didn't know.

"I-I'm...sorry." I said, feeling slightly dejected.

I pushed myself a little farther from him to give space and decided to get back into writing my own English essay that I no longer was in the mood of making. Even so, I pretended that I was writing just to avoid seeing the look on his face. Was he offended? Was he sorry? 

"Look, I-I was just..." There was a slight pause before he said, "just surprised." 

I gazed back at him, gauging his expression as his adam's apple bobbed up and down. He looked apprehensive, but I saw no reason why he had to be, so I let him off, nodding.

Even so, the mood earlier on was replaced by uncomfortable silence as I decided against talking again. It seemed like I wasn't going to say anything sensible that for the remainder half of the morning, I just focused on my paper which didn't really have that much of an insightful progress.

When mom came to call us for lunch, I was still not in the mood for anything so I said to her, "Carry on with lunch. I'm just going to finish my essay."

She didn't really buy this so she was forced to threaten me. "If you wouldn't come eat, I won't give your allowance for the next two days."

I rolled my eyes, not threatened at all. "It's fine. I always save up half of my school money so you don't really need to worry on giving me something for the next two days I'll be at school." I told her, waving her off.

She grumbled in exasperation, not knowing what to do. Then, grandma came strolling back in the room wide eyed. The tension seemed too obvious that she distracted mom.

"Soori might want a moment for herself. Why don't we leave her be for a while?" She said, smiling at mom, the sides of her eyes wrinkling.

Mom shook her head in disagreement and said, "but eommonin, she would just grow up being disobedient—"

"All of us were once like her. You once needed a time to yourself too, isn't it right?" Grandma interrupted her, still maintaining her smiling face.

Mom sighed, nodding in dismissal. "Alright. But this will be the last time you're doing this missy." She widened her eyes warningly at me and stalked off into the kitchen, annoyed.

Jongin and I were the only ones left when the elders were gone. He kept sneaking stares at me, scratching his cheek as he contemplated whether he should talk to me. He looked stiff but worried, it was no wonder he opened his mouth in the end.

"Are you really not eating yet?" I shook my head, turning back to my essay.

He stood up; his long limbs were the only ones I could see from my peripheral view. He was shuffling in his spot, and I was wondering whether he would keep convincing me to have lunch in the dining room.

"We're okay, right?"

I looked up to him when he asked that and said, "You tell me."

He looked away, running his fingers through his hair. He only kept doing that when he was troubled, and I guess, he was feeling like that now. "I think we are..." He said, but it was more like to convince himself.

"Then I guess we are." I said, actually quite unconvinced of the words he offered.

The truth was, we were fine. It was just that, after that night in my balcony, he sort of became a little distant and awkward. I didn't know if it was because he was still being wary of me since he knew more things than he should have. Or that there was something else. I was just hoping he wouldn't be like this permanently. I meant, who wants awkwardness in their friendship? I knew it was hard to risk trusting me again, but it wasn't like I wanted for things to turn like that. I never saw the fight coming when I was 18, nor this going back to the past.

This was like being in a time travel movie, yet it was more complicated than what was being filmed. In movies, there were those cool time machines, gadgets or elixirs that usually the heroine accidentally discovers, but in my case there was none. I didn't even know how I made it here in one piece after I out that rainy night. Was it the accident? Was this the path to heaven? Was I in a dream? In those movies, usually there was always a mission. The heroine would be able to go back to reality if she accomplishes this mission. But why was it that I didn't even know what was my purpose for being here? Was it just to atone? Well then, I'd been so sorry for the past seven years. How come I was still here? Or perhaps I needed to accomplish a bigger project? But how on earth would I know what was it I needed to do?!

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