Life lesson #5: Tell it like it is.

                  hangover.

                  I woke up with the most terrible headache in my own room. I guess after last night, Jongin and Luhan had somehow managed to fish out the key from my jeans pocket. I was under my pink thick blanket. Jongin slept on the couch with his eyebrows furrowed, clearly very uncomfortable with the position. I stared at him and he stirred, opening his eyes slowly.

                  “Oh,” He made a chirping sound before he rubbed his eyes and got up. “The couch is killing me.” He stretched his long, lean body. “There’s painkiller on the table beside you. Luhan just went down to take shower.”

                  I swallowed the pill and drank water. None of my friends had ever taken care of me this way before. I thought I had a lot of good friends, then I met both Luhan and Jongin and I realized the length they were willing to go through for me. I couldn’t be more grateful. Jongin sat on my bed, his eyes dropped halfway, but he was pretty much awake.

                  “You told us a lot of personal stuffs last night,” Jongin started, and weirdly, I didn’t feel defensive this time. I nodded solemnly and massaged my head. “That’s the first time you open up to us. You know so much about us and yet we know nothing of you. Sometimes, both Luhan and I feel very guilty because we think we are not good enough to be your friends.”

                  “That’s ridiculous,” I cut him off, but he stared at me with all the seriousness, and I bit my lips shut. Jongin was rarely serious, and he never talked a lot. So when he did, I felt a bit worried and scared. “Sorry. Continue.”

                  “So this Sehun guy, you still love him?”

                  “More or less,” I nodded. It had been a year since I last saw him, and yet, my feeling stayed the same. I tried dating a few guys just for fun, but it never went further than the first date. It was all my fault, I was forcing myself to move on from Sehun when I really couldn’t.

                  “I’m just going to say this before Luhan comes,” Jongin said, and for a second, he looked like he wanted to hold me, seeing how fragile I looked in the morning, “He is the better talker, but I’m the frank one, so I have to be really honest with you.”

                  “Will you tell me to move on?” I cut him again, and he didn’t look so happy.

                  We had a glaring contest, “Sara, let me ask you this. Why can’t a man love a woman who’s given him so much?” My expression faltered and he continued, “You either believe you are not meant to be, which is ing stupid, or… you ask yourself if you’ve loved yourself enough to love someone else?”

                  I swallowed the big lump of saliva because Jongin was right. I had never loved myself enough. I sacrificed everything because I was so scared Sehun would leave me when he saw my imperfections. I couldn’t love myself. Even when my friends told me I had to, I just couldn’t.

                  “If you don’t value yourself, how can you expect a man to appreciate you for who you are?” Jongin’s soft voice was no consolation to my broken heart. Coupled with the terrible headache, everything seemed worse right now. I tugged onto the hem of his shirt and gave him the saddest, most pitiful expression I ever had,

                  “Then tell me, tell me how to love myself. Teach me. I can’t, Jongin. I mean, look at me,” And he was, very intensely, “There’s nothing I love about me. I feel so worthless. I grow up believing that loving myself would be very selfish. So I stopped. I grew to care for others more than I care for me. I don’t know how to start again.”

                  His eyes were so sad and his forehead was so close now that it touched mine. He grabbed onto my hands and squeezed them, as if he felt my sorrow, too. I closed my eyes. I didn’t have the energy to cry anymore. I was so, so tired, and if I could sleep forever, I would. We stayed like that, in the same position for who knew how long.

                  “How can you not love yourself when so many people love you?” Jongin whispered, his breath tickling my lips. If I moved one bit, our lips would touch. “Sara…” Whether it was the moment that affected us both, he kissed me. One mouthful of kiss that was so, so sweet and tender. And strangely enough, my hands held onto his shoulder for support as I kissed him back.

                  His lips were so soft. I wanted to groan because it just felt so ing good.

                  I pulled away first.

                  “You…” I started, but Luhan had opened the door, leaving no room of clarifications for Jongin and I. He raised his eyebrow at Luhan’s sudden interruption. It was all too sudden that it seemed so surreal. Jongin couldn’t possibly have feelings for me, could he? I meant… this was the notorious cold-blooded Kim Jongin who ignored every other girl.

                  I stared at Luhan blankly.

                  “You’re awake,” Luhan sighed in relief. He brought two plastic bags and took out takeaway food. My mouth watered at the sight of Chinese noodles with eggs and vegetables. Luhan and Jongin split task while I sat on the bed like a pampered princess. Luhan prepared the plates, Jongin broke the chopsticks and prepared tissues. In a short while, everything that happened was forgotten.

                  “You guys are life saviors,” I moaned because the noodle tasted heavenly.

                  Luhan chuckled. He had dark circles under his eyes, apparent as a result of not sleeping for a few days now. He seemed so tired and busy, but he always found time for us. He cheekily teased, “Can’t live without me, can you?”

                  I snorted while eating and rolled my eyes at him.

                  And just like that, the kiss was forgotten. None of us mentioned it anymore. I’d like to think that he did it in the spur of a moment, not out of anything else.

20 April 2017

                  “Happy birthday, Deer Lu!” 

                  Out of tradition, we popped open the bottles of red wine from Luhan’s cupboard. We celebrated outside in a restaurant with a few of his close friends, Seulgi, and both Jongin and I. I finally got to know some of the foreigners Luhan befriended in college. I also distinctly remembered the guy who gave me a meaningful glance on the campus tour day. His name was Mark Johnson, a 25 year-old American, majoring in engineering and science. He never did tell me the reason he gave me that second glance, and I wasn’t really interested in knowing, either. Two of us acknowledged each other and sat on very different end of the table.

                  Jongin sat between me and Luhan, and Seulgi was beside me. There were two or three Chinese, whose names I couldn’t really remember. While the Koreans were more shy and quiet, the Chinese tended to be more approachable and loud. I got to know one Russian and one South African from Luhan’s variety of friends, which was admittedly very impressive, because they either came from prominent families, were some societies’ or sports clubs’ captain, or they already booked jobs in well-famed companies around the globes. Instead of talking, Jongin and I listened more as we nodded and hummed in responses.

                  I didn’t remember much that night, but they ordered loads of alcohols. And by loads, I meant tons. Most were heavy-drinkers. Jongin barely drank half a glass and stopped. I took a few sips and no more. The hangover a week ago left a very bitter impression in my mind.

                  Jongin went out and I followed. Even in April, the weather was windy. I hugged myself tighter and braced the cold. I had grown used to it for the past two years in England. My previous city was a bit warmer, considering it was near the midland area. Now that I lived near Scotland, the entire year was never warm. At least, not for a tropical person like me.

                  “Why don’t you drink more?” I asked as we walked around the city center. My numb feet were grateful to me. Luhan was laughing inside the restaurant, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him we were out for a short walk. I left my phone in his possession.

                  “Because someone needs to bring Luhan home,” Jongin gave a very hasty and brief explanation. His shoulders were slightly raised because he wore a thin cardigan and a V-neck short-sleeved sweats. I walked slower and watched as his lonely figure made a distant between us. Warmth filled me in, and the only thought I had was how I’d hate to be separated away from this man.

                  “What are you doing?” As if he could sense me, he turned around and waited patiently. His eyes were darker than usual, his lips trembled a little. I shook my head and ran up to catch onto him. “I can bring Luhan home.”

                  He snorted, “It’s 8pm. We aren’t finishing anytime soon. You’re a girl, he’s drunk. I can’t leave the two of you like that.”

                  What a gentleman… If only more guys were like him nowadays. I gave him a grin that scared him off.

                  “What’s with that smile? Wipe it off of your face, Goddamnit,” He shivered and quickly walked back to the restaurant. I followed him slowly, feeling that for the first time in my life, everything was good. And surprisingly, I hadn’t thought of Sehun for the day. It was an improvement.

***

                  “It’s full moon,” I whispered. Jongin wordlessly looked up with a wasted Luhan on his arms. We almost reached the outside of my accommodation. “I like to make wishes during full moon circle. Sometimes they come true, you know?”

                  I opened the gate lock and let Jongin pulled Luhan in. “Are you staying over tonight?”

                  Jongin looked back and forth between Luhan and me and decided within a short ten seconds, “I guess so. You can go back to your room. I will take care of Luhan.”

                  I gave him a bewildered gaze, but he ignored it and headed for the stairs. I huffed and shook my head at Jongin’s rare stubbornness.

                  Jongin’s last thought as he shut the door was concerning how unwilling he was to let a certain someone spend more than an hour alone with Luhan. Yes, they were best friends, but anything could happen between two opposing genders, and he wasn’t about to risk it.              

                   A/N: To all subscribers, unless you comment on who you want her with, I'm just going to go according to my plan.