Life lesson #4: Don’t text your ex-boyfriend. Don’t get drunk.

April 2017

                  Here came the dreaded month of the year. Sweet, sweet April. Sehun’s birthday.

                  It wasn’t the first time I had considered texting him happy birthday. In fact, I had been stressing over it for months now. No one had to know, of course. Only Luhan noticed I had been stressed out lately, but I dismissed it as the effect of graduation, which was coming in three more months. I wasn’t the slightest bit concerned about graduating, actually. I applied to four to five companies, and two of them offered interviews in June, after I finished my final exam. Of course it helped that my university was one of the best in the country, but that was not the point I wanted to talk about. Focus on Sehun’s birthday.

                  I hadn’t talked to him since I left. He wasn’t the type to brag through social medias, so I never found out how he was. He didn’t post anything, never appeared online, but I knew he would sometimes open his accounts just to check on some inspiration for his works. I wanted so badly, to Whatsapp him, but I didn’t want to seem too desperate.

                  So I was in distress because of this. As Sehun used to point out, I always thought way too much. My mind could be a chaotic universe if ever revealed; not just a small space of storage, but a whole vast, endless universe of unstoppable forces. Even I got scared by my endless thoughts sometimes.

                  “Seulgi, if I want to text someone whom I haven’t been talking to lately, should I do it or shouldn’t I?” I took a deep breath and asked my closest female confidante because I didn’t want Luhan or Jongin to know. She immediately nodded, but not without a string of questions, “Who?”

                  Ex-boyfriend. “A friend.”

                  “Oh, great. Text her. Or him. Tell them you miss them or something,” Seulgi snorted and continued typing furiously on the phone. I guess she was talking to her boyfriend, so she seemed very nonchalant about the whole thing. I looked at the clock and impatiently tapped the table because I was so nervous.

                  I wanted to my pants because I was so anxious. I paled down and grabbed my phone out of stupid bravery and trembled badly. I scrolled down the contact number I hadn’t seen in a while. And there he was, the tenth from bottom. Oh-freaking-Sehun. Even if he didn’t text back… If he didn’t text back…

                  I typed in a record-breaking speed and sent him a very simple ‘happy birthday’ without any emojis or punctuations. I freaked out the moment it was sent. my life. I would be so doomed. Ah, he read it. . Oh God help me. I threw my phone on the table as if it was contaminated.

                  Not a few minutes after that, someone texted me. I almost jumped out of my seat until I remembered Seulgi was there. She looked at me weirdly and I shrugged, trying to play it off coolly. I picked up my phone and saw a text from Jongin. He wanted to meet up. I walked out of the library and called him.

                  “Jongin?” My voice was hoarse.

                  “Yeah,” He sounded tired, and there was a long pause. “Are you okay?”

                  “Jongin,” I repeated.

                  He didn’t respond, but I knew he was waiting. The simple difference between Jongin and Luhan was one was quiet and patient while the other was persistent and persuasive. Sometimes I needed Luhan’s everything-is-okay advice, and other times, I needed Jongin’s the-world-is-ty-but-I’m-here attitude.

                  “Jongin, let’s go out,” And suddenly, I sounded even more tired than he was. He must have noticed. There was no way he didn’t, because he responded immediately, something so unlike him, “Where?”

                  “Bar,” I squeezed my eyes close and thought back to one year ago. I wanted to be strong, but I was still an emotional wreck. This one day I was tired of fighting back. I wanted to let it all out. “Let’s go to the bar. Have drinks. Get drunk.” Get really, really drunk. Vomit and forget.

                  “Just the two of us?”

                  I thought about Luhan. “I don’t mind if it’s a party of two or three. Just come.”

                  I hanged up.

***

                  I showed up two hours later, ten minutes late from the appointed time. It was a surprise to see Jongin in time for our gathering, because he was usually the last one to show up. Luhan came thirty minutes later, seemingly in a rush because his usually neat hair was blown by the wind and looked messy.

                  “I just came back from London because Jongin said it was urgent. What happened?” He sat down beside Jongin, both facing me, waiting. I rolled my eyes at Jongin and sighed, because London was very far away from our current city, “Nothing much. How did you get here so fast?”

                  “I took afternoon flight,” He explained and set his bag down. “My parents came today.”

                  He took a flight back because of me. I was so touched there was a bit of tears in my eyes. I looked down at the menu and pretended to look fine, “Thanks, Lu. But seriously, I’m fine. I’m just a bit stressed, you know me, I get frustrated quite easily.”

                  I stole a glance at Jongin, and he gave me a blatant stare that indicated that was clearly not the case, judging from the phone call. I ignored his questioning eyes and ordered lots of fries, chicken and two big bottles of beer. They were flabbergasted but didn’t say anything. I never drank before, and even if I did, it was only a few sips, not the whole bottle.

                  “So, uh,” Luhan awkwardly said, “I just got accepted in a three-month internship in a local hospital.”

                  Luhan was a psychology major. And boy, was he good in it. Judging from his ability, he should’ve had a better chance at landing a starting career in the capital city. “Congrats, Lu. But why not London?”

                  “It’s just internship,” He shrugged it off easily as the waiter came to serve us food. I munched down immediately, totally unaware of their devastated stares. “I have plenty of chances to apply for jobs in London later on.”    

                  I snickered, “You just can’t bear to be apart from us.”

                  Luhan didn’t reply but gave a sweet smile as he started eating. Jongin sighed and ate his share slowly. It was the first time I saw him losing appetite in front of delicious food when we always fought over it before. I wanted to grab the sauce bottle, but my phone rang twice. And it was a ringtone so familiar to me.

                  I hadn’t changed Sehun’s ringtone because I forgot to.

                  I swallowed. Drank beer. Swallow. Grab tissue. Tremble. I unlocked the phone.

                  Five hours and thirty-nine minutes later, he texted me back.

                  I miss you.

                  Pause.

                  The world stopped.

                  Silence.

                  Then buzzing noises in my ears.

                  Pain.

                  I stopped eating altogether. He still had the effect on me. I used to toss and turn around, waiting for him to text back. I used to translate his texts in a million different ways. I blinked and stared at the screen for a good one minute. I had forgotten how to breathe air. I choked.

                  “Sara?” Jongin was the first to speak because apparently, Luhan was too stunned to say anything. I looked up and still struggled to breathe. “Why the are you crying?”

                  I must’ve made ugly faces and horrifying noises because our neighborhood tables started staring. Luhan was first to react. He circled around and sat beside me, enveloping me in the warmest, kindest hug I had ever received. My heart broke even more because I knew I deserved so much better than Sehun, but for some reason, it refused to let go.

                  I had never cried in front of Luhan and Jongin. I used to be such a crybaby that I cried at the simplest thing, but separation with Sehun taught me how to conceal my feelings and cry only to my pillow at night. I tried to become strong, because I knew if I don’t, I would shatter to pieces immediately. I would burst.     

                  I buried myself deeper into Luhan’s suit, which looked expensive, but mattered less when it was a major situation like this. The distinctive fragrant he used smelt of lavender and orange, and it was nothing like Sehun’s cologne. I used to love his smell so much, but I grew fearful every time I sniffed the scent. Sehun always smelt like the freshest air of spring. And I missed him so damn much.

                  “Sara,” Luhan’s voice was, to say the least, extremely hypnotizing. It was soft and so soothing that I could fall asleep from the lullaby he sang. When he phrased his questions, he did so carefully, and instead of asking what was wrong, he said, “Kim Sara, what makes you cry?”

                  I gave my phone to Jongin and let him read the Whatsapp text. I hid my face on Luhan’s shoulder and ignored the silent exchange the men had.

                  “Ex-boyfriend?” Jongin asked slowly.

                  I shot up and sniffed. Luhan gave me tissue. Thank God I wore waterproof mascara or I’d look ugly like a raccoon right now. I blew my nose and launched into a rocket of storytelling about the one and only Oh Sehun. I had tried to keep it in for so long, but it had taken tolls on my body. As I talked, I drank more beer and felt more lightheaded, which was better. Now I knew why people loved beer so much. It took your mind off of things.

                  “I still ing love him,” I said in a fake British accent as I collapsed on the table after my miserable attempt to finish the second glass. “Oh-ing-Sehunnnn…!”

                  The world spin and I chuckled. Then I cried again, “Why didn’t you love me? I was good to you!!!”

                  Someone supported my head and put me in a very comfortable position.

                  “Sehun, I still want to get married to you someday…”

                  Ah, that person that held me stiffened at my sentence and I giggled. I heard mumbles and curses and sounds of locks and keys. I swore I dreamt of Jongin and Luhan, arguing that night in hushed voices about me. I couldn’t quite remember what they talked about, but I knew one of them kissed me in my dream. On the cheek, of course.

                  I smiled.