September 2021

26 years old

                  I worked in Volkswagen’s Marketing and Communication department as a junior manager. In all honesty, I never had any interest in automotive, though I loved to watch movies about cars. It was until I met Sehun, who was studying to be an automotive designer that I became determined with my career path; and that was to help him achieve his dream. As someone who studied art before, I understood how hard it was for a designer to carve out connections, especially if we were foreigners in strangers’ country. So I tried hard to get into this company for him, especially begging my company to pull strings because they had a collaboration project with Volkswagen.

                  Speaking about Oh Sehun, I tried to contact him for one last time, to make up for the promises I gave him when we were still together. He did not reply. I heard from another friend of mine that he went back to Korea to serve the army. Still, out of good feelings, I gave him the human resource manager contact so that he could apply for job there when he got out of the army. This was the last thing I could do for him, and this was the only promise I needed to fulfill.

                  Four years had changed a lot of things. I moved on. I no longer saw the haunting shadow of Sehun, which I was glad to be rid of. His part in my life was finished, and I did not fear him anymore. Whenever I looked back at the twenty-years old me, I would smile because those were the times I loved recklessly and crazily. Back then, love was everything I ever wanted. Now was different. I was trying hard to fulfill a promise to provide for my parents, so career became everything to me.

                  I went on a few casual dates, and two of them were really great and nice to me, but there was no sparks. I never made it through the third date. It was not like Sehun, Jongin or Luhan. Because I had met people like them, I found it hard to love another again. I was in a relationship once, with a co-worker of mine, but things got sour after three months. We naturally drifted apart. I regretted nothing, he was transferred to another department and I did not have to see him, except for a few accidental times.

                  My phone wallpaper was picture of Jongin and Luhan, taken a few years ago. Sometimes, I wondered how they were doing, and if they were sticking to that three-years promise. I did not ask, nor did I call them out on that. Most of the times, I missed the time when we were together, because I felt most alive when I was with them. I missed my younger days. I missed avoiding responsibility. Most of all, I missed the feeling of loving another as if that person was my entire world. My heart had grown tired from waiting for someone to fall in love with.

                  Tomorrow morning, I would be taking a flight back to London. I finished the one-year training successfully, and as much as I would love to take up the offer and stayed in Berlin, I just missed England so much. I did not pick up Germany, and I only understood very basic words because I had a personal translator the company gave me. I loved the diversity of Berlin, but I felt home in London.

                  I smiled and succumbed to sleep.

***

                  “Welcome back!” My supervisor enthusiastically greeted me. She was very fond of me, but could be very strict when it came to professional terms. If it weren’t for her, I would not be able to be promoted so quickly. She also introduced me to a lot of important people, sometimes acting as if she was a 40 years old mother to the 26 years old me. Her name was Anne Dubois, a French who spoke perfectly accented British-English.

                  I took a taxi back to the company after I put down all the things in the apartment I rented, which was approximately fifteen minutes away. Some old friends greeted me, while new faces shot looks of curiosity at me. I warmly smiled back and addressed them politely. Anne waited until I settled down in the new office and started talking quickly,

                  “Look at you looking so exhausted! I told you not to come after the flight but you, Stubborn Brat, always defy me!” As I said, she was a true Cancerian; motherly to the core, and very naggy, too. “How many kilos did you lose during that one year? Don’t the Germans feed you well? And here I thought their alcohols are exquisite.”

                  “Oh, they are exquisite, Anne. I just lost some appetite when I was working on my last project,” I lied. I had been losing my appetite for a while now. The only things that would save me were chili and fried chicken from my home country. My parents had not planned to travel anytime soon, so my hopes of getting some home food was close to none. I hated to admit that after four years of not going back, I was homesick.  

                  “This won’t do, Sara. You won’t attract any fine man with this complexion,” Anne snorted, but even when she did something so unlady-like, she still managed to pull it off with sophistication. Sometimes I wondered whether it was a French thing to be so elegant and posh, or it was just her upbringing. She came from a long line of aristocrat family, which sounded too good to be true.

                  “Am not looking for a man right now,” I replied carelessly and my laptop. I used to be a lazy bump in college, but I was almost a workaholic in the working world. Maybe because of my ambition to buy a house before I turned thirty, so I strived even harder for perfection. With the savings that I had from the past few years, I would be able to buy a medium-sized apartment next year. Which meant that my parents would be granted a permission to stay with me as the financial provider. At the thought itself, I got very giddy and happy.

                  “You are twenty-six, Sara. You are supposed to be on the lookout for Mr. Right. I appreciate your continuous efforts for the company, but it is time for you to settle down in a long-term relationship and be happy,” She went on.

                  “Boyfriend will distract my work,” I commented casually, and stopped typing, “You know, Anne, I was once like that, too. I had a dream of a perfect husband and a perfect wedding. That we’d travel everywhere together. But everything changed. I am no longer a teenager. Life gets in the way. I have family I want to support. And all of a sudden, I can’t picture myself in a marriage anymore. Sometimes I’d like to think that if I don’t marry by thirty, then I would just marry myself.”

                  “I would have called you filial if I didn’t hear you arguing on the phone with your mom,” She chuckled and I raised my voice in protest, “Hey! That was one year ago! She was just angry I got myself a French boyfriend, whom, by the way, was introduced to me by you!”

                  “Oh, for God’s sake, Sara, he is a quarter Chinese, quarter Thailand, and quarter American! Don’t be a racist!”

                  “Am not, but my mom thinks differently. She insists that I find myself a Chinese man,” I rolled my eyes dramatically and continued typing. I remembered the day I got into a fight with my mom for hours because I told her I had a boyfriend and he was French. She threw a huge fit and was close to bursting in tears. My dad was worse. He lashed out. I tried telling them to loosen up because I lived my life without caring about the nationality of my boyfriend. And besides, I told them over and over again that this was just normal relationship. I was not going to get married to him. They were so angry they would not speak to me for a few days. In the end, I won because there was nothing they could threaten me with.

                  “Asian and their conservativeness,” Anne, too, rolled her eyes as she checked the work I was doing, “Speaking of works – since you love it so much – I would like to remind you our upcoming project with the architecture firm. I do the advertising and designing; you do the press release and marketing. Then we will decide which direction we are going from there.”  

                  “I almost forgot that project,” I massaged my temple and drank the hot chocolate milk I bought from the airport. If there was one thing that remained the same, it was my love for chocolate. “When are we meeting the client?”

                  “Today, actually,” She looked at the watch on her hand, “But it seems that I have to cancel it because I have a meeting with the board of directors. Pity.”

                  “I can go on your behalf,” I offered, “You said I needed a one-day break after the flight.” Technically, it was not considered a break, but Anne already nodded to the idea, “I’ll give you the papers and all the information you need. I heard their director is the one in charge of this newly built hotel.”

                  I shrugged off the naggy feeling I had on the back of my mind and silently studied over the papers Anne gave me.

***

                  Anne agreed to meet with the director in the firm, so I had to take a thirty-minutes train. As expected of England – and the world’s – top architectural firm, the building was aesthetically pleasing from the outside. The inside was equally impressive and I stood there admiring everything until I was whisked away by an employee. He brought me to the top level and showed me the way to the corner office, with exquisite wooden design. I thanked him and he left. After that, I knocked twice and heard the lock being opened automatically.

                  “Good afternoon, I am the representative of S agency, on behalf of Anne Dubois whom, unfortunately, could not make it in time as she had a very important meeting to attend. She sent her apology…” My voice trailed off as the huge chair turned around, and my whole world stopped moving. I could tell that he was as surprised as I was.

                  “Kim Jongin…”