Chapter Sixteen

Truth, Fake Smiles and Broken Things

Yifan wakes just in time Seungcheol left for his morning run. The exam has finally ended and winter break just three days away. It’s Saturday and he’ll be spending the day practicing for the game that will start in five days. The wind is getting colder and he struggles just to get off his bed and starts his routine. He can’t slack off anymore now that this is the last time he’ll play with his captain. His feet and right hand are healed, thanks to his mother, and is completely ready for the game. His mind wanders back to the unread messages and calls he sent for Tzuyu these past three days. He’s thinking of showing up in front of her house or school, but he doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable. He doesn’t contact Jeonghan either because he might be busy because of his club outing. But he can’t help to miss a mere sight of Jeonghan. He focuses himself back to the routine, to drags his legs further till his chest burns.

He finds the apartment empty, a post it on the fridge informs him that he needs to go earlier and doesn’t have time to make breakfast. Seungcheol doesn’t mind, he can grab something on his way to school. It’s seven twenty when he finally reaches the bus station, waiting along with other students, mostly from science program. He doesn’t speak much to his teammates that day during the break, but none of them bother to ask, they simply think that maybe Seungcheol is tired. It is later when the clock strikes five and he finishes the evening practice, his teammates see him initiates conversation with the coach about his healed wound. Seungcheol is likeable, talented but down to earth, and everybody on the team pretty much envies him in a good way. But everybody can also notice how Seungcheol is easily influenced by his mood, how the boy sometimes looks like he’s about to burst anytime and maybe that’s why they don’t poke Seungcheol with personal matters. Except for the captain o fcourse, who sometimes jokes around Seungcheol freely as to about Tzuyu.  And it pokes Seungcheol’s wound deeper because he can only fakes a smile to respond it. “Stay healthy. We need all of the member ready for the game” It’s seven thirty by the time he steps out the shower to find that he’s the last person there. He heard someone bid goodbye five minutes ago, probably one of the first year. Yifan will be home late and he’s thinking of taking out Chinese food tonight. And that’s when he doesn’t see the girl standing there, looking straight at him. It takes him one deep breath to realize that she’s the very same girl he had been trying to meet. She’s beautiful, as always, as she has always been.

“Tzuyu..”

The girl smiles softly, her round eyes crease into crescents. “I decided that i want to meet you” the words are gently spoken but his chest hurts. “Let’s get something to eat” she chirps.

It feels like his lips are sealed with silence and he can’t even think of what to say. It’s kind of funny when he’s the one that insist to meet her and yet he has not spoken any words except to mutter a low ‘yes’. They are walking side by side among the crowd of Saturday night. She’s still wearing her uniform, hair tied into low ponytail. “I’m glad you’re still there” she speaks as they shift to avoid a group of kids passing by. “You always stay late to practice alone”

“Chinese food for the hungry player?” she points at the shop across the road. She remembers that he likes to eat meat bun and dumpling after practice. Back then there’s a Chinese restaurant near their junior high, and it becomes a habit that Seungcheol never realize. Seungcheol lets her choose the seat, near the window, and she orders two trays of dumpling and meat buns, also red bean buns for herself.

“You like this seat” she taps her fingers on the table. Seungcheol stiffens, unsure of what to say. He indeed likes the seat next to the window, not because he likes looking outside, it’s because he likes to feel the cold smooth window. He likes to press his calloused palm on the glass as he waits for the food. She once thought the habit is weird, but quickly found it as one of the things that made Choi Seungcheol different and special. “How is the preparation going?” Seungcheol knows the question really well, every time the game is near, she always ask the question because she likes when Seungcheol excitedly tells her about his practice, about the meeting, about his workout routine, or simply how tiring it is. But Tzuyu knows Seungcheol enjoys his basketball despite all the whines. “It’s going well, everyone is doing their best.”

Tzuyu’s frown is almost visible but she holds her smile tight. “Isn’t it tiring?” Seungcheol looks up again “Yes,but i can’t slack off since they entrust me as a starting player ”

There’s a silence for a moment as the foods arrive. How are you? . “How was the exam?”

She sighs playfully “I barely hanging” then she laughs. Are you doing well? . “I see”

He knows he needs to eat and the foods are right in front of him, his favorite dumplings and meat buns. He knows they are supposed to be appetizing enough for him to devour them within five minutes. But it’s just not right. His stomach is growling with a different feeling. Disgust and fear are threatening to flow out his throat every time the urge to speak any words comes. “Tzu-”

“The food will be cold”

Her nails scrape deeply on her palm. Knowing that her words are spoken too loud, far too forced that she had intended. “They won’t be as tasty if cold” she repeats softer this time.

He brings one of the meat bun to his mouth and bites. It’s warm. Then looks up to glance at the pretty face. He notices that she gets a bit skinnier from the last time they met. Was it a month ago?. Her pink lips are paler than he remembers. Or was it almost two months?

She doesn’t apply mascara and eyeliner today. He can see a faint smudge of mascara at the edge of her right eye, barely noticeable under the dim light of night (she is never a fan of makeup and but she likes to emphasize her round charming eyes). Somehow Seungcheol notices the different now. He never thinks of it at all because he sees her everyday and she looks beautiful even with her bare face. Today, he can see it. How her lashes flutter when she blinks, how her eyes look much brighter without the black line.

Tzuyu doesn’t cry. She rarely cries, even for herself. When she’s sad, she chooses to be silent, biting her lips hard to hold any flowing emotions that will cause her tears to spill. Did she cry before coming here? Is that why she wiped the make up?

“Do you want to watch street performance after this?” Seungcheol stops his chopsticks as Tzuyu speaks. What do you want,Tzuyu? . He looks into her eyes, searching any hints of what the girl is actually thinking. But then she laughs “Ah,you must be tired right?”

“It’s okay” He eventually answers “We can watch one or two songs” And Seungcheol can see the sparkles in her eyes this time. Dim, but still shining brighter.

She insists on paying,saying that he’ll be paying next time. Seungcheol freezes, she wants a next time. A part of himself tells him to stop following the girl,walking among the crowd, to just say what he should have said long time ago. Then the guilt, the sparkles in her eyes, the memories, are holding him tight to the ground. She deserves a small chance. And so he keeps following her steps. At least this one last time.

“Seungcheol?let’s watch the acapella group over there” she beams. They stand close, and Seungcheol can smell her bubbly scent. Sweet but light. Girls indeed smell nice. She enjoys the song, and the next song, and the next one. He doesn’t pay any attention to the crowds, even to the songs he’s supposed to be listening. His eyes wander to Tzuyu’s face, and then to the ground. He should be reaching for her hand right now, intertwining their fingers so they can keep staying close to each other. But his hands are burning, thinking that they don’t worth of her touch. He doesn’t deserve Tzuyu and her forgiveness.

“You don’t seem to enjoy it” she chuckles. “Ah..sorry..”he mutters quietly. “Let’s go home” She turns around, ready to leave the crowds. And Seungcheol finds himself following her again, this time, away from the crowds. She stops, and he realizes they walk to an empty bus stop. She occupies the furthest seat, tapping her finger softly on her lap. “Why don’t you sit?”

He stands still. “Your bus might take a while” she reasons.

 “I...”  

He sees her fists crumple the hem of her skirt tightly. Expecting the next words that he’s about to say. He can’t do this, but he has to. He can no longer drag her around with his selfishness. And he will take the consequences, she can hate him all she wants, she can punch him, slap him, curse him. Even though he perfectly knows that the delicate girl will do the opposite. “Tzuyu, I’m-”

“Give me a week!” she shouts out. “From tomorrow to the day before Christmas, please let me stay beside you”

She wants a chance. She wants to keep hoping. That fact, just shattered Seungcheol’s feeling to her. She never begs anything to Seungcheol. And now, she begs for a time to remember their moment together. “Please” she grips her skirt tighter.

Seungcheol wavers under her strong gazes. Desperate glassy eyes that are staring right into his , but she doesn’t cry.

~~~

“I can’t wait to meet you” is the last sentence Jisoo said before he hung up. They had promised to meet next Sunday, Jisoo actually wants to meet him on Christmas but he needs to visit his families around the town. Jeonghan doesn’t mind at all, this Christmas is just like any other Christmas, him and Jin Ah, just the two of them. That’s why they don’t prepare much despite the hustle bustle other people get into a week before Christmas. They don’t decorate house or set up a Christmas tree, the feast is simple since Jin Ah doesn’t eat much because of her diet and it will be a waste to cook too much food. They go to church and get back to watch anything on the TV or do anything to simply pass the time. There’s nothing special for Jeonghan. Today Jin Ah is away again for work, after she earns herself a spot as Jonghyun’s personal assistant, she’s away more often. But she’s till working as a model too occasionally. So he is left with empty apartment every now and then. Jin Ah will be home on Wednesday.

He’s not particularly hungry, but he had not eaten this morning. He just went to school to help tiding up the stuff from their outing that scattered on the club room. He got back around three after dropping the tent they borrow from ranger scout’s club to a laundry. The fridge is almost empty, Jin Ah just went before refilling it. It’s way too late for him to grocery shopping, so he grabs the last pack of bacon and fries them with noodles. Five minutes to ten, he finishes doing the dish and ready to take a bath when the doorbell rings. It can’t be Jin Ah, she has the key. It can’t be Mrs. Lee next door coming this late. Somehow he concludes a specific someone to stand on his door. Guessing right doesn’t mean he’s not surprised to see Seungcheol to be  there. “Can i come in?”  he sheepishly smiles. Jeonghan moves aside to make room for Seungcheol to come inside. Seungcheol smells like soap and little bit of smoke. His gym slings dangerously on the edge of his shoulder and he drops it by the couch.

He snaps his neck around at the host. He immediately gets back to his sense “Sorry for coming so sudden, i know it’s late”

“It’s fine, my sister is not at home” Seungcheol relief that he doesn’t need to make excuses to Jeonghan’s sister for coming this late. He was thinking of some, which definitely wouldn’t make any sense (he couldn’t think of any reasonable excuse but he already knocked on the door) ,so it’s a relief. “Does something happen?”

Yes,Tzuyu wants me to give her time but i can’t since i have decided to choose you. Yet i freeze there and nodded. He can’t tell Jeonghan. He hurts enough person and can not bear to hurt Jeonghan again. All of these swirl around his head. So many things he doesn’t know what or why are happening. . he doesn’t even understand why he comes here when he should avoid Jeonghan for the meantime and settle his problem with Tzuyu.

“I miss you” It’s not completely a lie. Seungcheol misses him. Badly. But it’s still a lie.

Jeonghan’s cheeks flush into shade of crimson and somehow Seungcheol feels worse for hiding the real reason. Yet he steps forward reaching for Jeonghan’s frame, he holds the body close, so close their heartbeats interlace. He clutches Jeonghan deep to the embrace.

“It’s not even a week” Jeonghan mumbles through his shirt. “Five days and seven hours, i saw you walked out on monday” Seungcheol corrects him and Jeonghan freezes. His insides stir around at the thought of Seungcheol counting every second they’ve been apart. “even though that doesn’t really count since you didn’t see me” Jeonghan can feel Seungcheol frowns on his shoulder so he wraps his hands a little tighter around Seungcheol’s back, then he feels the smile.

“Do you want to stay the night?” Jeonghan has that ability to flushes out Seungcheol’s sanity in a blink with his earnest.  “I mean yo- you look tired and- all and i mean-” he breaks out the embrace, pushing Seungcheol away almost too sudden, realizing that his earnest offer can cause a misunderstanding as an ambiguous invitation. And Seungcheol laughs, causing Jeonghan’s face to burn even more than he already is.

“If that’s not a bother then i’ll accept”. Jeonghan joins his laugh with a small chuckle then proceeds to make two cups of warm milk as the night grows colder. Seungcheol is on the phone informing his sudden sleepover to his brother by the time Jeonghan places the cups on the table. He sets his bed for Seungcheol to sleep on and pulls out an new blanket from the cupboard, he’s just about to move his blanket to his sister’s room when Seungcheol stops him. “Where are you going?”

“You can use my room, i’ll use my sister’s”

Seungcheol frowns “Can’t we share the bed? I want to sleep with you” then realizes how false his sentence sounds. “I swear i won’t do anything!” He thinks about the request, carefully sorting out the bad thoughts and convinces himself that nothing will happen before he drags himself back towards his room. “Okay”

But the bad thoughts keep crawling back to his mind. He fidgets on his seat then decides to tidy up his already neat room, moving things around and put them back in place. He paces back and forth to keep himself busy as Seungcheol cleans himself in the bathroom. “As if something gonna happen” he mumbles to himself. The door creaks and Jeonghan almost break his neck at the voice. Seungcheol changes his short, his hair is damp and flat out. “I took another bath” he smiles. Seungcheol doesn’t want to make Jeonghan uncomfortable eventhough he already took one after practice, for a moment, there’s a sudden fear that Tzuyu’s scent lingers on him even though that’s likely impossible. Jeonghan sits on the bed as Seungcheol takes the chair and start drying his hair with the towel, his eyes wander around the room – from Jeonghan’s books on top of the desk to the hats hanging on the wall. Jeonghan feels himself like an awkward bride on a wedding night – not that he expects anything- Seungcheol had said he won’t do anything. It’s just his heart can’t calm down at the sight of Seungcheol in his room. The fact that Seungcheol looks cool under the yellow light of his room doesn’t help the urge of replaying their moments to disappear. His mind walks down the memory lane in his head, back from the day he jumped into the yard to the moment Seungcheol knocked on his door just now. Until Seungcheol’s eyes finally land on him, brows raised. “Are you okay?” Jeonghan looks away.

“Yes” Seungcheol doesn’t believe him. He puts his towel on the desk and walks closer to Jeonghan. He takes the space beside him and reaches for Jeonghan’s chin, forcing those eyes to look directly into his. “No,you’re not. Something is bothering you”

Something? It’s almost everything; everything about this mess is bothering him. Their puzzles don’t fit together and it’s driving Jeonghan crazy. Every desire of speaking up the truth is suffocating, consuming his rationality with each breath he tries to take. Maybe this is the time to start something, to finally breathe freely.

“What are we?”

 He knows the question will eventually reach his ears someday. He expects Jeonghan to ask this and he totally understands that the question is a proof of how insecure Jeonghan is about them. “I don’t know” that’s the truth, he doesn’t know how to address their relationship, he doesn’t know it’s name, how to call it.

Jeonghan is not much expecting an answer from his own question. He knows Seungcheol doesn’t know, just like him. He silently prays for a spark of courage or maybe anger so he can blurt his feeling out about how much he despises their situation. Instead, he pulls his feet and rolls on the bed, occupying one of the sides. “It’s late, we should rest” he pulls the blanket up to his chest. Seungcheol numbs, feeling the bed sinks as Jeonghan’s weight lays on. He waits until Jeonghan settles. “Yeah” he looks down at the back facing at him. Wondering what the other boy is thinking, feeling sad at the coldness emitting from him.    

Seungcheol lays his tired body , slightly winces as his spines realign. Jeonghan hears it, imagining those muscles to be aching every time he moves. He knows he’s being childish right now, he swallows his desire to look at Seungcheol’s face and shows his back instead. This is not what he wants, he knows. The ticks of the clock grow louder as both of them fall deeper into silence. None of them is asleep and again, both of them know. As much his consciousness screams for him to rest, suddenly Seungcheol finds the ceiling interesting. He stares at it long enough to imagine Jeonghan’s features being drawn like a painting. His chest tightens. Jeonghan is here, lying beside him. But somehow there’s still a line he can’t pass. He’s so close yet his hands still can’t reach him.  

Then Jeonghan suddenly speaks “The day after tomorrow,i can’t spend it with you”

He draws his arm behind his head and smiles at his imaginary Jeonghan on the ceiling “Okay”

“But the day before Christmas, before i go back home, give me your time, just an hour is fine” Seungcheol rolls to his side. Jeonghan doesn’t budge from his spot. “What makes you think i will agree?”

“Because i will wait” he does this time, rolling to face Seungcheol. “and i won’t go until i meet you” he continues. Jeonghan nods, saying the unspoken agreement with his eyes.

“Until that day, let’s not meet each other” The light in Seungcheol’s eyes are confusing and hard to read at the moment. Jeonghan tries to think what does Seungcheol means. But everything stuck to the possibility of what he fears finally come true. He doesn’t know why this is so upsetting. He wants to be there for Seungcheol in his winter game, which is just three days away. He wants to kiss him in the locker room again, to whisper a good luck spell, to clutch the damp jersey in his grasp and kiss those lips again after the game. Then the question echoes, who am i to Seungcheol anyway?

The drops of crystal run Jeonghan’s side, pooling on his pillow, making it damp. Jeonghan doesn’t want to cry, he doesn’t intend to either, but they just can’t stop. This is so confusing. Seungcheol reaches for his face. “Do you trust me,Jeonghan?”

He doesn’t know. Jeonghan doesn’t know. But he wants to. Maybe Seungcheol knows what he is doing. So Jeonghan closes his eyes and Seungcheol closes the distance. Their lips meet, gentle and warm. Seungcheol pulls deeper, wiping the wet cheeks with his thumb while his other hand reaches for the back of Jeonghan’s neck, brushing away Jeonghan’s raven locks along the way.

And Jeonghan sobs harder, crying into their kiss. His hands cluth Seungcheol’s shirt tightly. He misses these lips so bad. He misses his touch so much. Seungcheol’s hands find their way to crane Jeonghan’s neck further, tugging his lips in a desperate little bite. Not too hard for them to bleed, but enough to tell how much he wants Jeonghan to trust him.Jeonghan melts into the kiss as Seungcheol rubs small circles on his nape. Seungcheol wants to erase the tears with the kiss. Nothing he can say or do that can make it less painful for him,Jeonghan and Tzuyu, but Seungcheol still wants to at least show it, how he wants Jeonghan, how he doesn’t want to hurt Tzuyu even more. He can’t convey his feelings out loud because he’s still holding a part of Tzuyu. It will be unfair for Jeonghan if he does that.

Just wait a little more. Seungcheol whispers in his own head,

He closes his eyes when they finally out of breath then opens them again to stare at Jeonghan. His lips are as red as his eyes, cheeks glowing wet from the tears-at least they stopped now- and Seungcheol plants one last kiss on Jeonghan’s forehead before resting his chin on top of Jeonghan’s head, embracing him close.

Please wait a little more. 

~~~

So...i was bedriden for three weeks becase of typhoid fever. I’m really glad i didn’t need to be hospitalized because it’s still an early stage yet the doctor said it’s going to take a while for me to completely recover because i have weaker immunity than normal people. She gave me medicines and turned out i’m allergic to those kinds,so she suggested to change them with herbals (they taste disgusting).

 i’m starting my recovery with diet plan(i lost weight T_T) and excercise routine.

She also warns me that i need to be extra careful with what i eat from now on because my ingestion infection can return (i don’t actually eat instant foods, but a week before i got my fever, i ate instant noodle for few times) yeah so you instant noodle! We’re over!

Anyway,take care of your health guys, seriously,please...it really to be sick.

And Happy New Year!!! I wish health and happiness for everybody!!

Oh!Right! NCT is coming back with new mini album!!!! OH MY GOD!!! The tracks are awesome!!! Way to start 2017 boys!!! Daddy Johnny finally debut! Mark and Haechan looking awesome! My baby winwin and TY oh my god, sooooo adorable with dreadlocks! Jaehyun and Taeil sounds greeeeaattt as usual! And bunny dooyoung,wohoooo,this dork really! Not forget, Yuta, dayum sir, you’re smokin hot!

Please give the boys lots and lots of love~ listen to their songs too okay?trust me,you’ll love them ^^

With Love,

DeerChoding

p.s. I Miss you guys