Chapter Twelve

Desire

It feels like somewhere between a dream and a too damn right reality. But Jeonghan knows better not to get himself floating too high. Boundaries. Jeonghan grasps the reality every now and then, especially when Seungcheol’s lips are not on his, and his wild touches are not on his burning skins.

“I’ll see you after the game” with one last kiss, Seungcheol lets go of Jeonghan’s fingers. It’s the final, finally. Seungcheol spends the night speaking on the phone, and Jeonghan can tell he’s nervous as he started to talk about stupid things. But Jeonghan listens, until Seungcheol eventually fell asleep.

He looks at the time again, making sure he’s not late to pick up Taehyung at the main entrance. “Jeonghan!”

Perfec-

“..Tzuyu?”

“Oh, Gosh. I’m glad i saw you. It hasn’t started,right?” The hug feels cold, Jeonghan can feels the chill down to his spine. Numb, totally petrified. “You changed you hair? it’s good on you” The smile is cheerful as usual, but Jeonghan can only stare.

“Thanks..are you coming alone?”

She straightens her skirt a bit and tugs the strand behind her ear, “My cousin drops me, How ...was Seungcheol?” The question is carefully spoken.

“He’s..good. He just headed to the changing room to prepare”

The girl chuckles “I’m really glad you’re here to keep an eye for him” Jeonghan’s throat goes dry for a sudden while the pretty girl laughs at her own joke, “He seems to be really busy and never reply my messages, so it’s kind of hard to contact him” she continues. Her soft voice is fading , her glowing eyes are clouded. Sadness, pain,insecurity. Jeonghan can tell from the way she tries to hold her head high,she stays strong, while the crack on her heart is pulling her smile down.

“Is that so?” Jenghan tries his best to smile, “You can contact him through me,you know”. Don’t, Jeonghan.

Tzuyu laughs,maybe because of the idea of Jeonghan speaks something that she never thought of. “Right, i should get your contact after this, we can be ally. Just in case Seungcheol is cheating behind me”

He should have just shut his damn mouth, the kisses that linger on his lips feel itchy he wants to wipe them away. “Hey,i’m just kidding, Seungcheol is not that kind of person, you don’t need to be so shocked” The sweet laughter of her rings again, sweet, sweet Tzuyu.

“Right, he is not that kind of person”

It feels pathetic and sick. Irony. Yes, a painful irony. Like how can he politely offers a hand to help her walk among the crowds,when that same exact hand was passionately clutching on her boyfriend’s nape when she’s not around.

“Aren’t you going to pick someone up?” They are sitting on the lower bleachers, Tzuyu insists on getting as close as possible to the field. “Ah,no. He said he’ll be late for the game”

ing Taehyung. Where’s he when Jeonghan needs him the most?

The game is about to start. The opening act of cheerleaders are performing, the players should be here soon.

Beep.

He can feel his phone vibrates. “Is that from Seungcheol?” It was too late, his hand is not fast enough to turn the screen off. She cranes her neck to look at his phone,

She laughs, rolling her eyes at the silly words flashed on the screen. “He’s riddiculus”

His hand trembles as he puts the phone back to his pocket.

He’s lucky that she doesn’t scroll the message down to the bottom.

I’ll win this war for you,your grace

                        -Lord Commander-

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Ps. I want a kiss when i win later, remember that,Yoon Jeonghan

~~~

He can’t really remember about the game, or the scores, his heart is pounding hard, adrenaline rushes to his entire body. They won. He won the game. Cheers and applauses flood the air. And here he is, standing proudly to receive the title of “MVP”.

“Can we take a picture?”

“Yes, sure” he doesn’t even know who these girls are. “Can i get a picture too, Mr. MVP?”

“Tae!”

“Ehm. Congratulation, i’m so proud of you, my son” Here’s the diva Tae. Acting all mighty as the girls steps away from the scene with giggles.  “You came for me, thank you”

“Hold on right there, i came for Jeonghan though”

“Jerk. Then where’s Jeonghan?” he looks around, searching for the boy. “I haven’t met him, he got captured by your girlfriend apparently.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

“Tzuyu?

“Looking for me?” he turns his head fast, his beautiful girl is smiling from ear to ear. Definitely prettier than any of the girls from before. She wears a plaid skirt with a milky white blouse, her raven curls perfectly tied in a loose ponytail. “You came”

Of course she would.

And there stands Jeonghan, laughing as Taehyung jumps on him. Complaining about how lonely it was this past week and how boring the school was. Jeonghan laughs louder when taehyung tells him something about how unfortunate he and his brother when they ran out of gas on their way. “-that was amazing. I..miss you,do you miss me?”

“Of-of course” He was staring at the scene too long that he doesn’t notice how Tzuyu’s eyes sparkle when she recalls the game, how cool he was, and how the crowds were cheering for him, for his amazing play. “I need to go back now”

“I’ll wait for you outside okay?” He takes one last glance at Jeonghan who doesn’t even spare a blink to look at his way. Somehow he wants those shady orbs to meet with his. Even if it’s just a second,  or a half second.

Mother and Father couldn’t make it to the game, but he’s glad Yifan and Yoona came to celebrate it together. “All right, eat to all of your heart content, it’s on me”

“Thank you!”

“I believe your brother was a saint in his previous life to deserve an angel like Im YoonA” Taehyung whispers. “Yeah, many people said that”

”You are very pretty” Tzuyu chimes and Yoona smiles “Thank you, you’re also pretty. Seungcheol must be really happy to have a lovely girlfriend”

“He might be a little stubborn, i hope you can cope with that”

“No, he is very kind and considerate to me” She proudly answers. “Really? Great then. All of you are welcomed to our house anytime”

“Can i meet Mrs.Yoona if i come?”

“Too bad,we are not married yet,Taehyung. So she won’t be there” Yifan replies “That’s  good then” Taehyung’s answer once again makes the rest laugh.  But Jeonghan isn’t laughing, he only smiles when they laugh, and he only talks when he’s asked. Taehyung, Yoona and Taeyong are making a conversation while Yifan left the table to get a call.

“Here, i cut it for you” tzuyu switches the plate of her own with Seungcheol’s. “Thank you”

Sometimes Taehyung will involve Jeonghan into the conversation and Jeonghan will give a longer reply so that no one will suspicious if he’s actually avoiding the conversation. Seungcheol knows Jeonghan is uncomfortable, but Jeonghan is too kind that he chose to smile and try to keep the athmosphere up. “Seungcheol,why don’t you open your mouth?”

Tzuyu is holding a piece of tenderloin in front of his mouth, expecting the distracted Seungcheol to respond to her. “Sorry, i- nevermind”

It went well, amazing, according to Taehyung. His brother and soon to be sister in law had safely returned to the hotel after insisting on dropping all of them with a mini cooper- which is ideally can load four person. “It’s okay, it’s just ten minutes walk. We walked here anyway”

Five of them are sitting on the park down the road, waiting for Tzuyu’s cousin to pick her up. Taehyung,Taeyong,and Jeonghan are considerate to leave him and Tzuyu alone by the swing while three of them chatting near the slide.

“Seungcheol”

“Yes?” he swings himself slowly. The cold night breeze is brushing against his face as he pushes himself harder. “Are you happy?”

“Of course,we win the game and-”

“I mean with me. Are you happy to be with me?”

He drags his feet on the ground to slower it down. “Why...do you ask something like that?”

She smiles.

 “I don’t know... I know we’re both young and immature, we’ve been together for two years, and in the beginning, this relationship might be just an impulse of curiousity for your side. But i love you, and as we grow up, somehow i realized that maybe i’m pushing myself too much on you”

It must be painful for her, because it was true, that he doesn’t have any feelings for her in the beginning. But Seungcheol tried, and he did, he fell in love with her, with her cheerful attitude, with her sweet smile, with her adorable little gestures, with her kindness and selfishness. She was his strength when things went bad. She was there to cheer him up when he got an injury from the training camp, she was there to erase the painful memories and doubts. She was there to cast away his insecurity about Jeonghan.

 “And you know what? Seeing you play today make me realized that you have your own desire when it comes to things you love....But, you never initiate things with me.”

Seungcheol can only listen in silence, letting the raven haired girl beside him staring at nothing with her desperate gazes.

“My friends tell me about how they had their first time with their boyfriend, how they always give them attention. I was jealous, of them. I’m feeling inscure when you suddenly never reply my messages,when i realized,you started to change. Of course you’re busy, it’s just...i’m starting to get selfish. I want you for myself. I want you to be entirely mine. But i just can’t feel you having the same desire. Do you even love me, Seungcheol?”

“Why do you say such a thing? You are a girl, more over we’ve known each other even before we’re together, as you said, we’re still young. I can’t initiate any other things more than a kiss because i respect you, Tzuyu.”

“I asked you if you love me. Do you love me,Seungcheol?”

Does he love her now? It was easy before, to say ‘love’. But not today, not right now. The word feels stucked on his throat, even with those bright glistening eyes staring at his, he can not say it out loud. Her messages suddenly left unreplied for the past days.

“Tzuyu, I am-”

“Are you disgusted of doing it with me?”

“Tzuyu! How could you say that!” He is angry at how low she looks at herself. He respects her, she is someone he treasures. Despite of all this confusion, he wants to protect her no matter what, he knows he has that affection towards her.

“Then let’s do it,Seungcheol. I want to do it with you”

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“I can’t” It’s gonna hurt even more if he doesn’t say it.

She bites her lips “Was it because of someone else?” those eyes , those beautiful sad eyes.

“Does she someone i know?” she grabs his arm, cluthing it as if her life depends on it. Her nails are digging deep, but he feels nothing. He doesn’t even have the gut to look back, to see her teary eyes.

“Sorry”

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“Tzuyu! your pick up is here!” Taehyung yells.

She doesn’t cry, despite of the droplets that are threatening to fall from her eyes. She holds them well. “Apologize won’t fix a broken heart,Seungcheol” she lets go of her grip and stands up. “Maybe we need a time for ourselves”

She walks away from the scene, leaving Seungcheol alone in the dim. He should be chasing her to explain things,but he doesn’t do that. He can’t lie to himself anymore. Tzuyu is no longer become his last piece of puzzle. And he can’t lie to her anymore either.

~~~

Jeonghan still keeps his silence even after they back to the routine. Seungcheol tries to act as his usual self, but Jeonghan still keeps his distance somehow. It’s nearing the end of November. Winter will fall soon and the winter cup will start soon enough. He’s going to be even busier to prepare himself. Jeonghan in the other hand had also started to work partime again in Jonghyun’s studio. Eventhough Jeonghan once said that it’s just a hobby with good money, lately he’s been taking his job seriously. He accepts almost every offer an spends his free days working. Seungcheol believes Jeonghan is damaging his scalp and his future appearance by changing hair color like every two days. He loves Jeonghan in any colors- especially red-,  but he dyed his hair black again this time, and much to his surprise, he looks so...perfect.

“Have you seen Jeonghan’s new picture?every girl in our class is talking about it”. Taeyong surprisingly has a weird abiliy to bring a topic that has been bugging other’s head without realizing it. “Yeah”

“He’s gotten serious about modelling lately, is he going to take it as his career choice?He’s smart though, he shoul be scientist or something” Seungcheol doesn’t ing know, or has a chance to ask about it either. Why? Because their relationship had suddenly gone cold.

Sometimes he will look for the perfect timing to fix their slightly awkward situation,but his lack of ability in mood reading is just the worst. Like that one time when he got a chance to reach the topic of the final, he unknowingly started to talk about the game instead of asking about Jeonghan’s sudden change. And so, things became even more awkward after. 

The same as Tzuyu,who is treating him with cold silence. Not that he tried to contact her, but recently she stopped posting their pictures or responds the question about their relationship on the comment section. And somehow Taehyung also started to question him about this too. “Hey,how long we have known each other?”

Seungcheol raises his eyebrow,they are lying side by side on the rooftop, enjoying the last breeze of autumn. “Don’t know,six years?”

Taehyung rolls and flop himself on the stomach. “Do you have any other bestfriend beside me?”

“Just tell me what do you mean by asking this” seungcheol doesn’t break his eyes from the sky. “Did you guys break up?” and taehyung gets his attention now.

“No...not really” he pulls himself upward. “Does she want time for both of you to think about your relationship?”

Seungcheol sighs, Taehyung is too smart for his own good. “How could you tell?”

Taehyung follows his bestfriend to sit, “Actually Tzuyu has been asking me about you since you officially join the club. She asked me about ‘another person’.” He seems to carefully choose his words not to offend Seungcheol with not bringing up the word ‘cheat’. Not because Taehyung is a nice person-Seungcheol doubt that- but because if it ever happen, Taehyung wants Seungcheol to say it himself.

“Truthfully,i don’t know anymore,Tae. I’m doubting my feeling for her now.I don’t think i’m good enough for her” Seungcheol wants to spill everything to Taehyung, about Jeonghan,about everything. But he realized the fact that he’s been keeping this secret from his bestfriend is pushing his guilt. There is fear that Taehyung may not accept it easily just like Jiwon. He doesn’t doubt –not a bit- that taehyung will surely keep his secret, it’s just for some reasons, telling Taehyung about this is hard.

“Bull”

Taehyung sudden outburst makes him taken aback. “Sorry,what i mean is you should not create your own excuse just because you have another person to give your heart for. You may love two person at the same time, but you can not love them equally.I say it as someone who know how much she loves you, and how much you treasure her”

“But i am too scared to put an end to this, i hate to hurt her more than this”

“Don’t you realize it? You are doing it right now. She’s in pain now,she is suffering. Your silence will only make it worse. I’m not gonna ask you to be a saint and sacrifice your self, but if you have any affection left for her, then give her mercy, make it clear so that she won’t only wonder...”

“I hope you understand what you’re going to let go,seungcheol. And about this person...” Seungcheol doesn’t dare to look Taehyung in the eyes.

“...no,never mind” Taehyung looks away.

~~~

I'm hating myself for breaking Tzuyu's heart ...Seungcheol,you jerk!

(kidding,i love you,Seungcheol)

As i promised, an update,

Special credit for larasatinita, thank you so much for everything,dear...lovelovelove

and of course for everyone who spare their precious time to read this story T_T