I'm really trying here. Trying to find my mojo. 

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The lake is quiet and calm. Clouds gently roll down the hills from above, like blankets covering the chilled mountain tops to lull them to sleep. The sky is a pitch gray and whispering softly through his black hair. Everything is still and quiet and calm, including the water. It’s dark blue, almost completely black without the sunlight from the heavens.

 

It had been a sunny morning, but like the energy between them, the day had grown cold.

 

Kyungsoo wants to comfort the wolf a few feet away from him. The wolf who looks almost like a small pup with how he’s curled in on himself and is shoved against a giant boulder. His little ears are flopped down flat on the side of his face and his tail doesn’t move at all. Small choruses of whining had reached his ears earlier when Yifan had trotted over there.

 

A part of him wants to dash over and cuddle the beast until everything was just as it had been on the beach as they crashed into the waves. Does he miss being held already? A few hours of distance and Kyungsoo already needs the wolf near him again?

 

Another part knows he needs to give Yifan space. He’s angry with Kyungsoo, probably will snarl at the sight of him. This place, this lake, while it may have been a bad memory for Kyungsoo it was a precious one for Yifan. He’d brought his mate here to share it, to reveal more of himself.

 

The last part is still bitter. Just a tad. Why hadn’t they talked about this yet? Kyungsoo was human. He was going to turn into a monster in a few days time. This was a big change for him. Before Yifan had told him, Kyungsoo hadn’t known it was possible. He hadn’t known the wolf was even looking for a mate in the first place. He also hadn’t known he’d become an induk and be given up as the pure gift. His life was not supposed to be like this. There was still a part of him that was bitter about it all, anxious and fearful of his future, and still upset.

 

The clouds are so gray and dreadful. Rain would surely pour down at any minute. Kyungsoo can feel his heart quicken every time he imagines himself as a wolf with sharp teeth and claws.

 

One more glance over at the whining pup and Kyungsoo sighs heavily before standing and slowly making his way over.

 

Yifan’s blue eyes have been dark for awhile, they avoid looking at him when he kneels beside the great white body.

 

“I’m sorry.” he whispers.

 

White ears perk up for a moment and then flop back down again, but no eye contact.

 

“I didn’t mean to offend you, or tamper with the memory you have of this place. I want to hear about it, the reason this place is special to you...Yifan?” he calls. The wolf’s muzzle twitches. The induk sniffles and stares determined at the sight of his own hands squeezing his knees.

 

Kyungsoo can hear his voice begin to shake as he continues, “I’m sorry Yifan but...I am afraid. I am so afraid of what I am going to become. I don’t know what to expect. I wasn’t born like this, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m scared. Can you understand that?”

 

His skin is pale where his fingers squeeze, the blood being shoved away. Scattered dark dots assemble on the dirt around him. The sky is beginning to cry.

 

The wolf remains as he is, a wolf. White fur bristled as Kyungsoo continues on. He stares as the dirt below him is doused in water over and over again until it becomes a pasty mud. Thick and pliable, his knees are sinking in deeper to the wet earth. He’s sinking. Down.

 

“Why did you bite me? Before you had properly asked me to be with you, you had already bitten me. You had never given me a chance to-”

 

“My bite was your only chance.” the rough voice interrupts.

 

Even though Yifan has changed to a man, Kyungsoo continues to pointedly stare at the ground.

 

When Kyungsoo remains silent the wolf takes it as his cue to continue explaining.

 

“You were the first who was brave, when you faced me you didn’t cower away. For that I wanted to give you a chance to live, even if you didn’t want to be my mate.”

 

Kyungsoo frowns and looks up then. He’s confused. Hadn’t the bite marked him as both Yifan’s mate and made him a wolf? Yifan’s hair is matted against his forehead, water drizzling down both of their faces fast. The rain is hard and coming down in massive blows. A storm.

 

“I wanted to give you my abilities in order to survive, even if you didn’t want to be with me. And I thought that if maybe you agreed, and then later on you regretted it, at least you wouldn’t have to die so easily. At least you could go on and renew yourself, you wouldn’t feel fragile and alone, you wouldn’t be able to just…”

 

Yifan’s eyes are almost black. His voice is a gentle wind threatening to knock down a fragile flower whose stem is broken. Kyungsoo is curious as to what Yifan sees in his mind, what memory haunts him that he’s so afraid to say it aloud.

 

“To just kill yourself.”

 

Yifan looked so small then, so tiny and heartbroken as whatever image floated around his thoughts made his fingers shake and his breath catch in horror. Kyungsoo’s movements are automatic, maybe it's his caretaker nature or maybe it's the new blossom of emotions that bud up just for his creature, his arms are full of the wolf and he’s holding Yifan as tightly as he can.

 

Chase the image away, chase them and let them go. He knows Yifan can’t really do that, but maybe holding him will help.

 

There was no monster before Kyungsoo. No.

 

Yifan was a scared and damaged boy. That was clear now.

 

 

The day had been clear.

 

The sun had been bright.

 

The mist from the sea hit his face and masked all other scents.

 

He can still see it. The black hair floating in the distance. Floating like a large collection of seaweed. Floating further away.

 

Kyungsoo’s hair is the same shade.

 

 

When the hunter wanders back into the village, through a threshold of dukun huts that are widely spread out and therefore more slick with mud, he’s not surprised by all the frightened stares and backpedaling steps.

 

He must be a sight to drink in. Skin caked with mud from head to toe, his form open to the world since he’d lost his hunting cloth, dried blood painted over his forehead and arms. He looks deranged, he can’t walk in a straight line what with his vision pulsing lazily, he hasn’t had water in quite some time.

 

Chanyeol can only chuckle as more and more moon tribe members back away from him with fear in their eyes. Is he something to be afraid of?

 

They’re whispering now, not loud enough to hear it all but he picks up pieces as he stumbles down past grouping of induk hut and some pencari, he’s close to Ketua’s hut now.

 

Disgrace…

 

Hunter…

 

Parkpencari…

 

He’s gone mad…

 

That weak sacrifice…

 

He’s useless now…

 

Not everyone was paying attention though. One of them had their back turned to him. They don’t see Chanyeol coming and they gasp with surprise as they’re grabbed tightly by the shoulders, spun around to face a nightmare.

 

The young man in a panicked breath and tries to leave the tight grip encasing his shoulders. Chanyeol holds him steady though, teeth gritting and eyes burrowing down into the smaller and more frightened ones.

 

“Let me go…” the boy half demands half pleads. He’s trying to appear brave. The tremble in his voice gives him away though. Chanyeol squeezes tighter as thoughts race through his head. Doesn’t this boy know? Didn’t he see?

 

Chanyeol saw. He saw.

 

“There was nothing.” Chanyeol reminds the boy who’s shaking, lips pulled tight in a grimace as he tries to bend his strength. The boy is tall, not as tall as the hunter but tall enough. He’s slender, small sharp eyes and small pouty lips grimacing the deeper the pencari’s fingers bruise his skin.

 

“Stop!” the boy growls, but he winces as Chanyeol’s nails pierce his skin, a small gasp leaving his lips.

 

“Nothing was there! Nothing!” Chanyeol chants the word over again like a mantra. Nothing. Hadn’t they seen? Hadn’t they heard? Did they go look and see for themselves?

 

A much stronger grip than the boy’s digs into the back of Chanyeol’s skull, winding around his long curls and snapping his body back violently. The boy is released. Chanyeol is met with catlike eyes filled with venom.

 

“He said let go hunter.”

 

“The healer of the sacrifices.” Chanyeol chuckles darkly. He knows that face, handsome and all sharp angles. Minseok of the Kimdukun clan was the one to bathe Kyungsoo in perfume, adorn his body with beautiful silver and rub the oils into his skin. Minseok was the one to prep the for sacrifices.

 

He’s thrown to the ground and the healer stands over him with a deep frown. After a beat of contemplating, he turns away and embraces the slender blonde boy and holds his face affectionately.

 

Similar to the way Chanyeol had done, the night before the full moon with Kyungsoo.

 

There was nothing.

 

He’d searched the land in front of the cave opening. If the wolf had killed Kyungsoo, wouldn’t there be blood? Bones? The ceremonial clothes left behind?

 

Nothing.

 

A few steps into the dark passageway and the Parkpencari had searched, eyes frantic and fingers digging through the coarse dirt. Nothing. No blood. No bones. No clothing.

 

Where was Kyungsoo’s body?

 

He’d seen the small induk carried away to be eaten. Where was the body?

 

Further he went. Further. It was so dark and cold. Still there was nothing. No sign of life. No sign of death either.

 

Then came the growl.

 

It echoed low, made a few of the small rocks beneath his feet shake, it vibrated right into his chest.

 

A pair of bright yellow eyes glared at him from the darkness. They were glossy and glowing. Another growl followed by a hiss, the warning clear, get out or I will kill you.

 

“Where is he?” Chanyeol had asked.

 

Nothing. No answer. The eyes moved up, closer together, and then…

 

A rock came flying at his face. It hit home, his forehead, and made Chanyeol cry out in pain.

 

He’d ran out, blood falling into his eyes and terror shaking his heart.

 

Where was the body? Where?

 

Nothing.

 

“There’s nothing.” Chanyeol cried, he was kneeling, begging the members of his village to hear him out. They gathered around him, eyes unforgiving as they watched the prodigy of the Parkpencari clan fall apart. All because of the failure from the Doprajurit clan. Pity. One breaks apart from the crowd as the hunter begins to scream for all to hear.

 

“Nothing! Nothing to show his death! How can I mourn him if there’s nothing there! No body no-”

 

The sharp slap slips cuts off his words with harsh cry.

 

Ketua is looking down on him, rage dancing in her gaze, slim fingers wrapped around his throat.

 

“String him up and keep him silent.” she hisses.

 

Chanyeol is captured by several prajurits, dragged kicking and screaming. They need to know, they should help him search, there was nothing.

 

He had gone to the dead cave to find Kyungsoo’s body, his blood, his torn cloth, anything to prove the nagging voice at the back of his mind that the boy he’d watched be carried away was dead.

 

Nothing had been found. Except a pair of yellow eyes that spared him, wounded him but didn’t kill him. So the questions could only remain: Was Kyungsoo dead? If he wasn’t, where was he?

 

 

The night is dark. Stars glitter across the wide expanse. Kyungsoo’s breath puffs out in little white swirls through the chilled air. His skin rises with bumps as he trembles. It’s cold. Far too cold to be bare in the open. The ground is still damp from the rainfall earlier. The sun has almost set, pink aura flooding the late sky.

 

“Come here.” Yifan calls. The wolf sits next to a roaring fire. Orange and yellow light dances over his pale features and illuminate his eyes.

 

The induk turns and rises from the ground, he hesitates near his creature and waits for permission, “Are you still angry with me?”

 

“Yes.” Yifan states. Kyungsoo’s stomach jumps.

 

Dark blue eyes slowly meet his gaze. Kyungsoo looks right back, heart in his throat.

 

“Though I do not wish for you to freeze to death. So come here.” The wolf separates his knees to leave a small space for Kyungsoo to be seated. The induk admittedly rushes over and presses his back to Yifan’s chest, shuddering at the warmth that engulfs him.

 

They sit in silence for some time. Yifan’s arms wrapped around Kyungsoo’s frame, legs encasing the human and warm breath fanning out over the smaller man’s neck. It’s so comfortable there in the wolf’s embrace, so calm and peaceful. Kyungsoo snuggles in deeper and he wants to emit a satisfied noise when a sharp chin rests in the crook of his neck.

 

His eyelids are heavy and his heartbeat is calm.

 

“Will it take you long to forgive me?” he whispers.

 

“No.” the deep voice assures.

 

It was a quick answer. Kyungsoo opens his eyes and wonders if the wolf will answer more.

 

“How long since your father passed away?”

 

A deep sigh tickles Kyungsoo’s skin, “A very long time.”

 

“Your mother?”

 

“Longer.”

 

Kyungsoo’s brow furrows but he asks more, his curiosity waking him up fully.

 

“How long have you been alone?”

It’s another moment of silence, but Kyungsoo can tell Yifan is simply calculating his answer. Emotions bubble forth the longer it takes the wolf to answer.

 

“How long since your people crossed the river?”

 

It’s Kyungsoo’s turn to think now, “More than five generations at least.” he nods to himself.

 

The wolf hums, “then I have been alone longer than that.”

 

Yifan does not sound sad about this news, but Kyungsoo’s insides are aching anyways.

 

“Why did you agree to make a deal with the moon tribe?” Kyungsoo questions. His people had always explained that the terrifying beast in the mountain had a rampant taste for blood. In order to gain a steady feed he agreed to protect the moon tribe only if they gave him a sacrifice once a month. Kyungsoo wants to hear it himself though.

 

“I was hoping the search for my mate would be made easier. Alas…” the wolf chuckles to himself.

 

“It took you a century instead. Thousands of sacrifices.” the induk sighed.

 

The wolf mumbles something under his breath and Kyungsoo hears it. His eyes widen and his spine straightens. With alarm in his gaze he repeats what the wolf had said.

 

“They were only supposed to be candidates?”, he parrots and his heart hammers. What did that mean?

 

Only candidates? That word was not the same as sacrifice.

 

Dark eyes steadily look on as dark emotions make Yifan’s brow crease up and his mouth turn down.

 

“I asked for a pure gift. Not a sacrifice.”

 

 

Yifan remembers it all. He can see it before him, the memories so vivid he can live in them if he wishes to.

 

The Snow Moon is sparkling down from the sky. White layers everything around him. Over the ground and the trees, it falls from the sky and coats his fur.

 

He waits to see if the Moon tribe will keep their promise and tells his young heart not be so excited. The brought before him might not be worthy of being his mate. Still, this agreement could make the process so much easier. Better than what his father had done.

 

The singing reaches his ears and the wolf pounces back into his cave with a yip. His heart beats wildly. It has been so long since he was interacted with anyone. The tribe members who had made the promise had looked scared then, but he will greet them calmly. This promise will produce good faith all around.

 

They come dressed in silver and white, moonstones adorning their heads. It is only a hundred of them or so. At first they cannot see Yifan, for he hides in the darkness of his cave and only watches, mystified by their singing and chanting.

 

Two young s are brought forth. Yifan sees each member place a pearl in one of two baskets that the young adults carry. They are voting, he realizes, and waits to see who will be left to him. One is a girl with sand colored hair and full lips. The boy is taller than the girl, lean and dark orbs for eyes. They are both very beautiful, either would make wonder mates.

 

It's not long before the boy is shoved forward. He trembles before the darkness and Yifan snickers in his mind at how adorable the boy is.

 

Yifan comes out from the cave, revealing his white coat and blue eyes to the tribe. There are gasps and horrified expressions. His size surprises them, not unusual, but he ignores their reactions and strides up to young man.

 

He does not expect the boy to immediately kneel and shakes more violently than before. Yifan tilts his face in confusion. Was the boy crying? Was he scared?

 

“P-p-please! Please I don’t want to die Rakasa Serigala!”

 

Die?

 

Yifan looks to the tribe for explanation. Die? He had never-

 

The boy is running. His feet carry him in a hurry, his screams ringing in Yifan’s ears. He does not get far though. Another tribe member grabs him with a growl and throws the boy down.

 

Yifan reacts, snarl echoing through the forest. The moon tribe is in a frenzy then, some backing away quickly and others pulling out weapons to protect themselves.

 

The tribe members drags the screaming boy forward with a fierce look.

 

He is not afraid of Yifan as he tosses the boy before the wolf’s feet. The boy is still screaming, getting louder as his dark orbs are wet.

 

“Beomseok of the Doprajurit clan! This is not your place!” a member calls out. Yifan is pacing now, nervous and not understanding why they are so afraid. Why do they treat the boy this way? Why is this happening like this?

 

“The beast awaits his pure gift,” Beomseok motions towards Yifan with his a knife, “we cannot deny him the promise we made.”

 

Pure gift? They couldn’t mean…

 

Beomseok runs his blade across the boy’s throat. The snow is wet with red. Yifan roars in protest, howling towards the moon. The warrior looks afraid then, backing away with the rest of his tribe.

 

Yifan is left alone with the body. The moon tribe is gone. The snow is falling. White covers most of the red as the body turns blue. When he hears the choking Yifan’s heart hurts. The boy is suffering, his death will be slow.

 

The only things Yifan knows he can do is making the passing quicker.

 

All choking ceases when the wolf tears the boy’s throat out.

 

 

His world is falling. Like the leaves in autumn, one day they are green and the next they are wrinkled and brown and falling. Reality had been one thing, real and green like the days of spring, the next it was falling from the highest branch down to the dark damp forest floor.

 

Kyungsoo is staring at the wolf in disbelief. No. That cannot be true. Surely not. All his life the stories had been told to him, all the sacrifices that had been made, no.

 

“You...but...so many…” the man is speechless. Dark blue eyes stare back at him, full of sorrow and frustration.

 

“The next one...she sat out in the cold for days. Snow did not remain but the air was still thin and cold and I left her there in hopes your tribe would come back and realize.”

 

Kyungsoo cannot believe this. More leaves, more drops of his reality kept breaking free and trickling down.

 

“They never did. Her skin was as blue as the sky but her heartbeat was shallow. I could hear her pained breath I…”

 

Kyungsoo sits up on his knees, anger suddenly flashing like hot water through his chest, “You could have claimed someone earlier! Why didn’t you stop it then!”

 

Dark blue eyes shift into a lighter blue, the wolf becoming defensive, “Most ran away in fear, I cannot have a mate who is scared of me. The other half were not s, I cannot mate with someone who is already claimed.”

 

“Still! Why not make more wolves? If you can give me your bite and turn me but not claim me, that means you could have made a pack, my people wouldn’t be dead-”

 

“Your people are the ones who started it! They sent your unworthy, your broken, your outcaste to die!”

 

Unworthy. Broken. Outcaste.

 

Yifan’s eyes shift back to dark blue instantly, “You’re not any of those things. Nor were any of the other sacrifices sent to me. Some of them weak...yes...but none deserved to be thrown out. I will never understand why your tribe is so harsh.”

 

Kyungsoo is forcefully tugged until he is seated again, his back against the wolf’s chest. Three words still tumble arond in his mind. The tension is slowly fading out of his veins, but his reality is still shifting and more questions bubble from this lips.

 

“But you still could have made more wolves?” he checks again.

 

“...yes.” the whisper is rough.

 

“But you didn’t.” he confirms.

 

“...no.” Yifan clears his throat. Silence.

 

Kyungsoo’s eyebrows rise as he nudges the man behind him to continue and answer him.

 

A deep sigh fans over Kyungsoo’s back and his heartbeat picks up when a strong chin hooks onto his shoulder. Yifan hugs him tightly, his own strong heartbeat thumping on to Kyungsoo’s shoulder blades.

 

The sky is dark now. Stars twinkling above them. With the water of the lake laying perfectly still, it looks like the moon and stars are trapped beneath the water. Never mind the dark shadows of the thick forest around them, the soft buzz of small creatures flying and crawling, or even the soft breeze against their skin. The moon’s reflection in the water calls to Kyungsoo, she beckons him to stare into her face.

 

“My immortality is not something I can share with everyone.”

 

The moon’s pull is strong. Her white face peaks out like a smile but is like a pearl, shining and glistening. Kyungsoo’s heart halts for a moment, eyelids fluttering closed. He’d known in the back of his mind. If the stories of rakasa serigala had been around since before his birth, if Yifan had been alone since before his tribe had even crossed the river, and he still looked so young then supernatural powers were at play when it came to his age.

 

“My father taught me to only share the gift with your mate first, if I saw fit. Only then could me and my mate decide together if we were to build a pack.”

 

Kyungsoo does not ask, but Yifan continues explaining.

 

“I was waiting for you, you who were not afraid of me, you were pure and you were so beautiful I could not believe my eyes. You demanded my presence, as if you were a warrior. I feared for your life though, that you might reject me later and wish to have nothing to do with me.”

 

Yifan’s voice is small again, reminding Kyungsoo of a child haunted by a bad dream.

 

“I was afraid you would one day walk into the ocean and never come out. I needed to give you the chance; I needed to share my gift with you.”

 

Why would Kyungsoo walk into the ocean? It was absurd. Yet the induk could understand what the wolf said. Fine. Kyungsoo had been given the bite, been made to turn. Fine.

 

His tribe’s history was tangled and misunderstood.

 

Yifan’s story as rakasa serigala was tangled and misunderstood. The world he had grown up in was not as it seemed.

 

Fine.

 

“Will I get to decide then, if I want to be mated to you once I turn?” he inquires. His gaze almost wanders from the moon, casting glances at the glittering stars around her. Yet she calls him again, her songs almost jealous with the idea that the induk’s eyes dare stray away.

 

Yifan’s low growl vibrates against Kyungsoo’s back, it makes the caretaker bite back a smile, “Technically. Yes.”

 

For some reason this puts part of Kyungsoo’s mind at east. Knowing that he will have control and make his own decision is nice and comforting somehow.

 

“If I do become your mate, will you still ask for more suci kado?”

 

“The second I found you was the second suci kado was no longer necessary.”

 

Kyungsoo feels his skin tingle, shiver under the moonlight. She is so beautiful. She pulls at him, takes his mind away from his body and now he’s floating.

 

“Will I be as powerful as you? Will I hunt like you? Will have to answer the real call of the moon and howl?” His mind is floating above the lake, above the forest and into the sky.

 

“Yes.” Yifan whispers.

 

“Will I be terrifying when I change?” he pushes his luck. There’s a beat of silence. Kyungsoo holds his breath and waits.

 

“You will become the most beautiful being that ever lived.”

 

The moon’s smile is enchanting, Kyungsoo mindlessly trails his claws down Yifan’s thighs as he lets his eyelids hang heavy and he falls asleep.

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I'm trying my best. I hope you enjoyed. I'm sorry you guys have to wait on me.

 

 

-Porter