I closed my eyes and started reminiscing.

I’ve been volunteering here at Angel’s Hope Orphanage for 6 months already. Every morning, before I go to work I would pass by the Orphanage first to help with breakfast. Then right after I get off of work, I would also visit to help with dinner and also spend time with the kids. Most of them are just about 3 years old up to the age of 13. The little ones I play with and also read stories to, while the older ones I help with their home works and ask them about how they’re doing or if they’re having any problems. I make sure to talk to them since it is after all the age where we build our characters and just having someone listening will help a lot in sorting out what they want and what they feel. It relieves me off of anything I’m feeling or thinking knowing that I’m there for them, that I’m helping in putting smiles on their faces, and mostly, that I’m part of their lives.

I’ve kept this routine for the longest time and there are times that I even bring Sica Unnie along but since she’s busy, she rarely tags along and some of the kids even get a breather if she’s not around since she’s a little scary when she’s the one teaching them. They do adore her though. Even I got the shock of my life when I found out that she’s actually good with children. Who would’ve known that the ICE PRINCESS is a WARM PRINCESS around kids?

One day though, as I was heading over for my morning visit, I heard a cry coming from behind the electricity pole by the orphanage. Carefully, I looked for the crying sound and there I found a box with a baby wrapped carelessly with a thin sky blue blanket like some abandoned puppy.

Just looking at the basket I can already judge that whoever was responsible for leaving this little angel out in this chilly day only with thin clothing and without even completely covering the baby is an irresponsible person. How could you even live your life doing something like this to someone that has your own blood, someone that you brought into this world?! If you’re cruel enough to leave this wonderful gift from above, at least do it decently and properly!

My heart broke hearing the wailing baby and seeing how red the baby’s face is from all the crying and also the cold, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Should I carry the box or the baby or call for help first? I’m actually very afraid. I’m afraid that I might just harm the baby instead of helping it.

“Eottokhae?” I mumbled while biting my thumb in frustration.

The wind was becoming harsher and the baby is crying harder. It must be freezing. How long has it been out here? I need to do something and fast!

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “For the baby! Do this for the poor baby. You can do this Im Yoona!”

Opening my eyes, I gathered the small bundle of life into my trembling arms carefully and tucked her into my embrace in the hopes of passing some of my body heat to her. The baby is still crying and I can feel how cold her body is.

I wanted to dash inside the warm orphanage but I’m frightened that I might break the little being in my arms if I did so. Using the advantage of my long legs, I took long strides to get inside as quick as possible without hurting the baby that I’m holding.

The moment I got inside, the sisters taking care of the orphanage scurried over to me and started asking what happened. I’m not sure how or when it started but I was sobbing really hard that the sisters weren’t able to understand a word I said and urged me to calm down and tell them what happened.

“Crying… Post… Blue… Baby… Alone… Cold…”

Those were the only words that came out of my mouth as I was still crying along with the baby. Lucky enough, they were able to comprehend what I was trying to say and they dispersed inside the building. Some of them were getting clothes and a blanket, while others were preparing a place for the baby to rest and be warm, and the others went to the kitchen to get the baby warm milk to fill her stomach.

I just stood there while appeasing the little angel as tears continued to escape my eyes. Rocking her from side to side, I nuzzled her face and whispered, “Shhh. Don’t cry now my angel. I’m here with you. I won’t leave you. I’ll take care of you. I promise you. I will.”

With that promise I made, the cries stopped and small hands found their way to my cheeks and her chubby little face met mine. It was as if she understood what I said and gave me a kiss to seal the deal.

I felt her stubby little hands let go and high pitched giggles filled the air replacing the ear piercing screams of agony from before. She was laughing heartily and her eyes can’t even be found anymore. Looking at this beautiful bubbly baby girl, my heart swelled in unexplainable warmth. Right there and then I knew, this baby would be my light; this baby would be my life.

That day, I failed to go to work and Sica Unnie was frantic since she didn’t know where I was. When I got home, it was the first time that I saw her eyes become that big.

“What’s that?!” She yelled pointing at the baby in my arms.

Despite her violent reaction, I smiled at her widely and brightly for the first time in months and declared, “Sica Unnie, meet my daughter.”

Silence filled the air for a few minutes as she was still trying to digest the new information. Slowly, she made her way towards me and held my shoulders with a look of concern etched on her features.

“Yoongie, I know I’m in no place to ask this but are you sure about this? I know you’re still…”

I didn’t let her finish what she was saying since I know where she’s going with it.

“Unnie, I’m so sure about this. The moment I heard her cry… The moment I saw her smile… The moment she came into my life, I knew… My heart knew that I was meant to take care of her. And I’m sure that she feels the same way.”

“I’m just worried for you. What if someone suddenly comes looking for her? I don’t want to see you broken again.” She reasoned out.

Suddenly, my blood started to boil as I was reminded of the heartless people who left this wonderful baby like that.

“I don’t care. I won’t let them take her! They have no right after what they did to her, abandoning her in that condition.” I spat venomously.

“Yoona, maybe you’re just doing this out of impulse. We both know you’re still recovering from what happened and maybe that’s why your emotions are getting the best of you.” Sica Unnie held my arms as she pointed out her conclusion.

She’s right, I’m still hung up with everything that happened and that I’m probably just emotional but she’s wrong with one thing.

“Unnie… You’re right. Everything’s still fresh and we can account this as a result of my emotions but to be honest…” I looked at the angel peacefully sleeping with open in my arm and instantly my heart skipped a beat. “…ever since what happened, I’ve never felt like this. It’s like for the first time in my life, I’m decided and sure that no matter what happens in the future I will still choose to be with this baby.”

As I continued swaying her back and forth, a small smile crept on her little face and I can’t help but admire at how beautiful this child is.

“I have always been one to be afraid of the decisions that I make; afraid that things will go wrong and that I would regret what I’m doing. But now, seeing her like this, holding her like this, being with her like this, I feel a surge of courage and strength pulsing within me. It’s the kind of feeling that assures you that you’ll be able to get through everything.” For a second I looked away from her and turned to Sica Unnie. “She’s like hope for me Unnie.”

Slowly, Sica Unnie’s face unwrinkled and a small tug on the corner of her lips showed. Relief washed over me seeing this. It only means that she understands and that she’ll support me in what I’ve decided to do.

“It looks like I’ll have someone else besides you to spoil now.” She joked as she started caressing the baby’s rosy cheeks. “Annyeong little girl. I’m your Jessica Imo. I’ll be taking care of you along with your Yoong Umma arrasso?”

Once again, the cute little baby snickered in her sleep and her tiny hands begun to move. Just like that time at the orphanage, it seems like she understood what we’re trying to let her know and she accepts it joyfully.

“So Yoongie, have you named her already?” Sica Unnie wondered.

With a proud smile and announced, “Soojung. Im Soojung.”

And with that little surprise that I had for her, her eyes widened for a second and then tears started falling. She’s crying but a smile filled with gratitude is plastered on her face.

“You didn’t have to Yoong.” She protested.

“I didn’t, but I wanted to.” I replied.

“Thank you Yoona. I’m sure my sister would be honored to name this beautiful baby after her.” She said touching Soojung’s tiny fingers that strongly grabbed her index finger making the both of us laugh. “Welcome to this crazy but beautiful family Soojung-ah. And thank you for making my Yoongie smile again.”

“It’s true. Since that day, I’ve been more confident and decisive. I feel indestructible as long as I have Soojung with me. Yes, there are times when I still feel the pain and there’s nothing wrong with it because I know it will never be gone and something’s wrong if that ever happens, but just knowing that I have been blessed with an angel like Soojung, I can’t help but feel happy and contented.” I concluded with a bright smile. Just thinking about my little baby girl gives me warmth and happiness.

“I’m glad to know that someone like Soojung came into your life.” He also smiled gratefully. “All the more that I should buy her favorite Mango Ice Cream as a little sign of thanks for taking care of you like this.”

The both of us laughed as we remembered the little girl’s undying love for mangoes.

“Seriously though Yoong, I can see how much you adore and love that kid. Just looking at the smile on your face while you were talking about her was enough proof that Soojung brought life in you. Or better yet, she’s your life.”

He couldn’t have said it any better. Just like he hit the bulls-eye, I was struck and I couldn’t agree more.

“She IS my life.” I stated proudly.

A minute hasn’t passed after my proclamation when the little girl that we were talking fondly about entered and tugged on my shirt.

She motioned for me to bend so that she can reach my ears and with her cute stubby hands covering she whispered, “Umma, I need help with what I’m writing. I can’t remember the character for Unnie’s name.”

After hearing her dilemma, I straightened up and looked at her in confusion. Why was she asking about that?

“Why are you writing Unnie’s name baby?” I asked her curiously.

She gave me a pout and slightly bowed her head embarrassingly. “I wanted to give Unnie a letter when we visit her on Sunday since we always go there every year and I haven’t given her anything yet.”

I’m in shock as well as touched with the gesture and effort that Soojung’s trying to do. I wasn’t able to stop myself as I lifted the little girl up on my lap to give her a tight embrace. Words won’t be enough to describe what I’m feeling right now for this little angel that all I can do is hug her as a tear escaped the side of my eyes.

“Umma?” I heard her call out as she was probably surprised with suddenly being entrapped in my arms.

Sensing the worry coming from the two people inside the kitchen, I quickly wiped my tear away and let go of Soojung to reassure her by showing my smile.

“What’s wrong Umma? Are you mad that I can’t spell Unnie’s name correctly? I’m sorry. I tried figuring it out on my own but it just gets really confusing with the characters.” She apologized looking like she was about to cry.

Before the waterworks even began, I quickly petted her head.

“Don’t say sorry baby. You did nothing wrong. Umma’s not angry. As a matter of fact, Umma’s very proud and thankful of Krystal for trying her best for Unnie.” I explained carefully and sincerely.

“But why was Umma crying?” Her face scrunched up cutely in concern. “Is it because you miss Unnie?”

I just nodded since there’s no use in hiding that fact from this child.

“So Jessica Imo was right. She told me that when Umma is sad it only means that Umma misses Unnie.” She confessed with a pout and wrinkled nose. “Don’t be sad Umma. I’m sure Unnie would feel bad and get angry if you’re like that. If I were Unnie I’d feel like that. So don’t cry anymore Umma.”

Listening and looking at Soojung, I can’t stop but wonder how this 6 year old girl can be so matured and innocent at the same time. It seems like I’m doing something right with raising her but I think she shouldn’t be this serious with life since she is after all still a little child. She should only be worrying about what to eat and what to play. I’m even more scared of her growing old too fast that she wouldn’t need me anymore.

Suddenly, I felt a tiny finger poking the middle of my eyebrows.

“There you go again Umma! I just told you to stop frowning!” She scolded me. “You’re going to get wrinkles if you keep on doing that and Jessica Imo would start yelling at you again for not taking care of your skin!”

I fell into a fit of laughter with Soojung’s reminder. Of course Sica Unnie would teach her such things.

“That’s better!” She exclaimed in delight with a clap of her hands. “Umma looks cute when you laugh even if you look like an alligator.”

Okay, it’s official! I’m more afraid of her sass getting developed than the thought of her growing up all together!

I just pinched her cheeks as my way of retaliating from her teasing and she just laughed it off knowing that I’m just getting back at her.

“You’re spending way too much time with your Jessica Imo! Starting tomorrow you’re coming with me to the café!” I stuck my tongue out at her knowing how much she dislikes going to the café because of Yuri Unnie who always pinches her cheeks and messing her hair.

“Shiro!” She whined loudly. “I’ll be good from now on. I won’t make fun of Umma anymore. Just please. Please don’t bring me there Umma!”

It’s always nice to have something to scare the kids to let them behave. Luckily for this calm and cool girl I have Yuri Unnie.

“Promise?” I lifted my pinky which she captured with her own. “Promise.”

“Alright! Let’s get you to write Unnie’s name.”

She jumped from my lap and dashed towards the living room. I looked back to Jiyong Oppa and excused myself for a while to help the poor kid.

“I’ll be back Oppa. I just need to teach Krystal something.”

He smiled at me understandingly and said, “Go ahead. I’ll wait for you. Or is it alright for me to come along?”

“Is it fine if you stay here for a while? This will be just quick.” I asked.

“Okay then.”

With that I left and started working on Soojung’s letter.

Right after showing Soojung how the spelling of her unnie’s name went, she shooed me away and started coloring the piece of paper for the design as she said. I went straight to the kitchen only to see Jiyong Oppa staring right at me with a smile that I can’t even explain. His smile isn’t wide, nor is it bright. It doesn’t reach the eyes but you can tell that it was because of a whole different level of happiness. Somewhere along the lines of content and relief I guess. Seeing him smiling at me like that made me feel a bit uneasy. It feels like he just saw my soul and every bit of mystery in me were revealed.

I cleared my throat to get his attention in a different way.

“You’re such a wonderful mother Yoong.” He started without changing the way he looked at me. “Witnessing how loving and great you are with Soojung even if you were not the one who gave birth to her nor do you share the same blood made me wonder, how majestic it would be to see you mothering the child that is truly your own.”

My eyes widened at his proclamation and just the image of what could have been once again opened up the unhealed wound that I’ve been harboring for the longest time already.

It is true that I have accepted everything already and that I have learned to disguise and keep my emotions whenever what happened gets brought up, but now that it is he; the one that dreamt with me, talking about that beautiful future that was no longer possible, it opened up the box of pent up sorrow and regret that was stashed deep inside my heart letting them loose.

The feeling that overpowered everything else is pain; the pain that came not from the events of the past but of the possibilities of the future; the future that already left.

“Yoona?!” I heard Jiyong Oppa exclaimed all of a sudden as he got up from his seat and rushed to my side. “Yoong! What’s happening to you? Your whole body is shaking! Why are you crying?”