“Let’s break up.”

That was the first thing that came out of my mouth the moment we settled in our seats. It was evident in the way his eyes widened and his back straightened that he didn’t see that coming. Honestly, no one would have predicted these words to come from me. After all, everyone knows how crazily in love I am with him and everything I’ve done and went through just to be with him.

“Yoong, it’s not even April fools anymore to be joking like that.” He tried to laugh it off holding on to the belief that it was just one of my pranks.

“Look at me Jiyong Oppa.”

Though hesitantly, he still did.

“Do you still think I’m joking?” I said it with so much coldness in my tone that I can even feel it run through my skin giving me goosebumps all over my body. I know what I’m doing is cruel but it has to be done. It needs to be done.

“Let’s just say that what you’re saying is true and you’re serious about this. Can you at least give me a reason for you to ask of this?” He creased his brows in frustration.

“I just want to.”

I shrugged it off like it wasn’t even a big deal. In truth though, I’m using all of my acting skills to hide the pain that is brought about by the multiple stabs that my heart was taking for every word and every lie that I was breathing.

Then I heard him chuckle loudly and he was holding his stomach as he laughs his head off. It was now my turn to crease my brows and look at him like he was some kind of lunatic.

“Wow Yoong. You are really the best with these kinds of prank. I almost fell for it like when you joked about being pregnant last week for April Fools.” He stated while still laughing his heart out. “Did you know how embarrassing it was when I had to take back what I said to Boa noona since I announced it to her the moment you sent me the message. Luckily she bought it when I told her it was just an April Fools joke when you also told me that you were just playing with me. That was epic.”

He still thinks I’m just fooling around and I can’t blame him since I’ve pulled off quite a lot of stunts like this before and he always falls for it. This time though I’m no longer joking around. This time, it’s true. I really want to break up with him. It’s funny how the first time he didn’t believe me is the first time that I actually meant it.

“Let’s not make this difficult and messy Jiyong Oppa. I really want to break up.” I made sure I sounded stern and it worked, I got his attention and he stopped laughing. “Don’t give yourself a hard time by denying my intention.”

He took my hand in his and held on to it tightly, afraid of letting go.

“D-don’t do this to me.” He said with his voice almost cracking.

I wanted to look at him so much to engrave his every feature into my brain but I can’t bring myself to do so. I know he’s tearing up and I’m scared that if I see him breaking down I won’t be able to do what I have to.

“Don’t you love me anymore? Is there someone else? Did I do something wrong? Tell me! Tell me and I’ll fix it. I’ll do anything…” He placed my hand on his cheeks and I can feel his tears flowing. “…just don’t leave me.”

All along I thought I can be tough enough to go through with this without breaking, but as his tears soak my hands, cracks break my heart. I was trying my best to get my tears in check. It won’t be convincing if I cry as well. Everything would just dwindle into dust if I let my emotions take control of me. I need to be strong, at least until I’ve finished everything and leave.

“It’s something that cannot be fixed anymore Oppa.” I caressed his cheek with my thumb in the gentlest manner that I can as if consoling him after giving him so much pain. “It’s something that I need to do for myself and I know I can’t do it if I’m still with you.”

Taking my hand away from him, I stood up and went over to his side. I held his shoulders and turned him to face me with his face drenched in tears and his brown eyes already red from crying. It’s painful to be doing this and seeing him this miserable just doubles what I’m feeling. But I’ve already made up my mind and this is the consequence of it. I should end this quickly if I want to keep my sanity and his.

I kneeled in front of him and held his hands over his lap. With all the courage that I have, I looked at him lovingly and smiled.

“I’ve been so blessed to have been able to capture your heart and I don’t regret being the one courting you back then just to do so.” Even in this situation we couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory. Seeing his smile even if it’s a tiny one made me feel relieved. “You’ve been the best boyfriend anyone could ever have and don’t even think for a second that this is your fault or that you have to change anything about you ‘cause you’re already more than perfect the way you are. I’m the imperfect one and I’m sorry for that.”

Standing up, I pulled him with me and gave him the warmest hug that I have ever given to anyone. It’s my futile attempt of translating all of my emotions into something other than words; emotions that will never be expressed properly by someone like me. He did the same and he held me so tight that I’m getting slightly crushed but I don’t care. All I want to do is to live in this moment, live in his warmth, live in his love. I’ll take this memory with me and treasure it more than I will with the most precious diamond on earth.

“I love you and don’t even think otherwise.” I whispered in his ear.

“Then don’t break up with me.” He replied holding me even tighter.

Hearing his plea almost made me waver and give in but I’m stronger than that. I have to be.

“I-I can’t.”

“At least tell me why Yoong.” He cried out as he buried his head on my shoulders. “Give me a reason, any reason. Don’t just leave and let me get stuck wondering what went wrong.”

“Then don’t wonder. Don’t get stuck. Just know that this is what I want, this is what I need.”

“How can I let you go just like that? Tell me.”

I sighed deeply because I don’t know the answer to his question myself and I know I’m being very vague and unfair to him making things harder for me. 

“Do you want me to be happy?” I asked.

He nodded against my shoulder in reply.

“Then do this for me.” I said.

“I don’t want to. I don’t want to lose you Yoong.” He was shaking his head as more tears fell.

“Please Oppa. Do this for me.” I begged.

With sad and hesitant eyes, he looked at me and somehow, I think he saw the desperation in my eyes. It’s true. I’m desperate. I need HIM to let me go. It’s the only way for me to live with myself knowing that it wasn’t only me who decided on this but the both of us. This is my only consolation.

“There’s that sad look in your eyes and if being with me is the reason for it, then I guess I’ll have to bear with the pain of letting you go for now. This is how much I love you.” He kissed my forehead lightly like he always does. “Always remember though that you can come back to me anytime and I won’t hesitate to take you back and when that time comes I will NEVER, no matter how much you struggle or beg, let go again.”

Finally, I broke away from the hug as he let go and I gave him one last peck on those sweet and soft lips of his; another memory that I’ll tuck in my heart.

“If you really love me, promise me something Jiyong Oppa.”

“Of course I love you! I love you more than anything in this world and I’ll do anything just to prove it.” He proclaimed.

“That’s good to know.” I smiled brightly after his profession. “Just promise me that no matter what happens you’ll pursue your dream of becoming a lawyer and do everything that you can to be the best lawyer out there.”

He smiled smugly and said, “Piece of cake.”

“Great, I’m pretty sure it would be useful to you in the future to be one.” 

After saying everything that I needed I gave him one last hug.

“I love you.” He said while crying.

“Babo.” I answered for the last time and I know he knows what I meant by that.

It was like cutting my limbs off while I tried to pry my arms away from him but I was still able to do so. I smiled at him for the last time and he tried to do the same though tears are running down his face. I started leaving when I remembered something important that I need to ask of him.

I turned back and said, “Oppa, another thing. Once you’ve reached that peak of your career, please come and find me. Promise?” I lifted my pinky up.

“Promise.” And he lifted his.

Right then and there a promise was sealed and I know for a fact that he will keep it. He has never broken a promise and I’m sure he won’t start with this one. I smiled at the thought that at least I have something of him with me.

And then I left.