After going to school for a couple of days, I realized how boring the atmosphere can be in a classroom during lessons. I had realized it many times before, but usually seemed to forget after a while of homeschooling. Somehow I always ended up thinking that a real school would be nice, and it was definitely also nice to actually have classmates, but the actual lessons… I was so close to falling asleep.

On the second day of school some of the girls had decided to talk to me, which had surprised me a bit, since I tended to look a bit gloomy on my own. It had me extremely happy too. I had a habit of almost instantly liking people who talked to me first. I guess it was caused by the fact that I never really knew what to say to others. It was not like I didn’t want to talk to them, but I always wondered if they would even find me interesting. How long would the conversation last? When would they realize that I didn’t have anything interesting to say?

Whenever I met someone who genuinely seemed to like me and find me interesting, I would still find myself thinking the same thing over and over; when will they find out I’m annoying as and leave me? Always being negative and thinking that the friendship would end at one point and so there was no reason to try hard. That was probably one of the reasons I was this awkward. My head was always filled with weird thoughts and questions, and it showed in the way I behaved and the way I talked.

The other reasons were … well, just me being me. I shouldn’t be allowed to walk around in public really.

The girls from my class hadn’t realized this yet apparently, because they continued to talk to me the remaining days of the week.

Jungkook would occasionally come to visit me during one of the breaks, obviously hoping I would buy him ice cream again or some other kind of candy. When he found out I didn’t have anything, he would usually go again, but he always came back the next day. The other girls found him a bit weird, because he was somewhat reserved, but whenever he walked out of the classroom, they would talk about how good-looking he was.

When the weekend arrived, I just wanted to relax. I had arrived at home around noon and my dad hadn’t been home. He send me a message on my phone, telling me that he wouldn’t be home and that he had left money, so I could order something to be delivered to me. This was the case most days. I didn’t mind a whole lot, because it wasn’t very different from when I had travelled with my mother. The good thing about living with my dad, was that I didn’t have to move around all the time. Because my dad hadn’t found a new woman, he gave me all his attention whenever he was home and didn’t have work to do. It was seldom, but I liked being cared about. I had to admit that I had kinda missed that, when I lived with my mom, who only seemed to have time for work and her new boyfriend.

I decided to make some fried eggs in the way too big kitchen.

As I sat down by the dinner table to eat them, I began to think about how school had been in the US. One of schools I had gone to for a longer time, was when we had lived in South Carolina. At that point my mother was working on a big story about the beautiful nature of South Carolina and how to preserve it. That had meant that I had to go to an actual school for a couple of months, because my mother thought I needed to get some friends. The thought was sweet, but I guess she didn’t realize the reason I didn’t really gain any friends, was because we moved around all the time and I didn’t want to make friends whom I would eventually lose anyway.

I did make a friend during those months in South Carolina. Her name was Rose and she had been an upperclassman. We instantly clicked. I think it was mostly due to the fact that she was half-korean and that made it easier for us to understand each other. My English wasn’t perfect, since we didn’t only travel to English-speaking countries. Rose often helped me out, whenever something was too hard for me to understand. She had moved to South Carolina to attend her last year of high school, but she always seemed undecided about whether she was going to stay there after high school or move back to Korea, where she had lived her whole life.

Somehow I had been able to keep in contact with her. She was easy to converse with on text, which definitely helped. If I didn’t see people for a long time in real life, my messages tended to get awkward, as I didn’t know what to talk about. This wasn’t the case with Rose and because of that our friendship lasted even when I quit school, because my mom had finished her story and decided to move to a new place – this time in Europe.

I knew Rose had gone to Korea approximately a month before me to attend university and we had talked about meeting up, ever since I had come back. After my accident she had visited me in the hospital a couple of times, bringing me snacks.

Thinking about Rose this much made me want to meet up with her. Well, it was the weekend and I didn’t really have anything to do for the rest of the day – it wouldn’t hurt to ask her if she had time to hang out.

I send her a text asking if she had any free time today. I didn’t take a long time before a text beeped on my phone.

I’m not doing anything. What did you have in mind?

I quickly replied to her text, asking her to come over and sending her the address. Honestly, I didn’t what we should do together, so I didn’t answer that question. What could we do? Whenever I had to hang out with friends, I suddenly forgot what friends do when they’re together. My apartment seemed so... boring all of a sudden.

It took about an hour and a half before Rose arrived. When she arrived at my door, she stood still for a moment, looking confused. It seemed like she only came back to reality when I decided to give her a hug in the doorway.

“I couldn’t find my way here” she explained after I had let her go and told me about her trip from her apartment to mine, which should’ve just taken about twenty minutes. Apparently she had taken the wrong train in the subway station and when she had finally figured it out, she had already travelled six stops in the wrong direction. She then took the right train, but when she got out of the station, she didn’t know which way to go, despite having a map with a big, fat green line showing her which way to go on her phone.

She had wandered around the neighborhood for half an hour and didn’t bother sending me a text. The only reason, she finally found my apartment was apparently because of the help from a woman who worked in a nearby convenience store.

It didn’t surprise me though; Rose had always seemed a bit confused and lost whenever she had to find her way by herself. I couldn’t help but laugh when Rose finished her story. She just looked at me with a mixed expression and sighed.

“I’m sorry.. .but you’re really a loser, you know?” I said in-between laughs.

“It’s been a long time I’ve been called that” Rose sighed once more and took off her boots.

“I didn’t know your place was this big..” Rose said, as we walked through the apartment towards my room which lay in the very opposite end of it.

“Yeah… my dad likes to show off, I guess. I don’t know why he bought this place” I mumbled while looking at the ceiling windows high above the floor in the hallway that led to my room.

When we reached my mostly empty room, we sat down on my bed.

Rose began telling me about what had happened at school after I had left and she had graduated. She had told me about it before in messages she had sent me, but it was different hearing it in reality. It suddenly felt like we hadn’t been apart for a long time.

We also talked about what both of us were doing right now. She was studying literature at the university and lived alone with one of her friends. For some reason she seemed so mature right now, but she was two years older than me after all. At the same time it didn’t seem like she had changed much from when we were back in the US. It was just… university and living alone. Wow.

“So, Mali… Have you met anyone?” Rose asked out of nowhere with a teasing grin on her face. Oh no, not the why-haven’t-you-gotten-a-boyfriend-yet?-talk. She knew I hated that. It seemed like Rose would somehow always turn the subject to me and my boyfriend-less self whenever we talked together. It was even worse when I was talking to her face to face, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to ignore her question when she sat right in front of me. Subjects like these were definitely better to discuss on text (or rather – to avoid).

“Whyyyy?” I asked her, sighing and avoiding making any eye contact.

Rose didn’t answer but just continued to stare at me.

“Let’s just say I’ve met someone then. So… What do you want to eat for dinner?” I said, wanting to get on with the conversation and leave the subject.

Rose didn’t shift her gaze, her eyes locked with mine.

“You know you’re not getting out of this, right?” She said after half a minute of silence.

“Who is he?” She asked, sounding way too curious.

“Who is who?” I asked, trying to avoid saying stuff I wasn’t sure was right.

“The one you’ve met!” Rose exclaimed.

“Oh…. Just… someone” I mumbled, looking at legs which were crossed in front of me.

“What’s his name?” she asked.

“Cheese.” I said matter-of-factly.

Rose sighed at my answer.

“I’m not telling you” I said, wanting as a way to get back at her.

I stood up from my bed and began to walk out of my room towards the kitchen. Rose sighed once more and followed me.

“What do you want to eat?” I asked once more.

Rose looked like she was just about to complain about me changing the subject once more, but then she looked thoughtful.

“Jjajangmyeon” she finally said and smiled.

For some reason, she didn’t talk about it for the rest of the evening. Even when we were done eating, and began having one of those long conversations once more, we never reached the subject of who I might like.

It was after midnight, when Rose decided to go back home. I had told her that she could stay, but apparently she had something to do the next day.

I didn’t know how I ended up here or rather why. I had not been to a party since the one at Taeyoon’s place before my accident. Nevertheless I was standing in front of the door to Namjoon’s house now. Seulgi and Taeyoon were standing on either side of me. After a few moments of making sure we were at the right place, Seulgi rang the doorbell.

It wasn’t Namjoon who opened the door; it was Hoseok, whose face was one big smile. It didn’t surprise me though, it seemed like this was the idea of someone other than Namjoon.

That was at least what I had thought earlier that day when I had received a text from both Namjoon and Seulgi, telling me to come to the party. Seulgi’s text had been short and precise, almost sounding like she wasn’t asking if I would like to come, but rather like she was demanding that I come to the party and that I really had no choice at all, since she was older than me.

Namjoon’s text on the other hand had just told about how the others planned a party at his place, hence why I thought that this party wasn’t his idea at all. The text had been filled with emoticons, which I had not expected at all. He hadn’t used them in the few other texts I had gotten from him and they didn’t seem like his style at all.

At first I had considered declining, since they had decided to throw the party out of the blue and it was on a Tuesday night. I had to go to school the next day. That’s was mostly why I didn’t know why I had come. What was my reasoning behind coming? First of all, I was on medication, and I would probably end up drinking. Second of all, school. It did seem tempting to skip school, but… I knew I shouldn’t and skipping school was something my dad wouldn’t approve of. He didn’t mind me going to parties and getting drunk, as long as it didn’t interfere with my education and general health. This would probably interfere with both.

Nevertheless I was now being pulled into what I expected to be the living room.

Hoseok led the way to a group of couches in which Namjoon and Jungkook were sitting. Despite it being a party, there weren’t really a lot of people, but I guess it was because it was a Tuesday and normal people didn’t party on a Tuesday. I’d never considered myself normal.

Namjoon stood up from the couch to greet us, while Jungkook just sat in the couch and gave a slight nod in our direction.

“You’re just in time to join our game” Jungkook said.

“You’re not going to participate, you’re too young” a voice called from the other end of the room. I looked in the direction of the voice and saw Seokjin making his way to the couches.

“Hyung, just let him” Namjoon said with a grin.

Seokjin was obviously not impressed, but he didn’t say anything else, just watched Namjoon and Hoseok with an annoyed expression, as if they had just told Seokjin that they had convinced Jungkook to drop out of school. I bet Seokjin would have been furious if that was the case though, it seemed like he was the most responsible out of the group of boys.

“Anyway, take a seat” Namjoon said, while he looked directly at me and patted the empty spot next to him on the couch. It wasn’t extremely noticeable, but from the way his voice sounded, he had definitely had something to drink before we came. The same seemed to be the case with Hoseok. Jungkook seemed pretty sober on the other hand. Seokjin had probably kept him from the alcoholic drinks so far.

I made my way to the spot on the couch and Seulgi and Taeyoon sat down as well.

“So! What are we playing?” Taeyoon said with a grin. When it came to drinking games, she was the expert. She knew every game there were.

“We were thinking of playing that game where you have to guess if a card in a pile of cards is lower og higher than the previous one” Jungkook said, his face suddenly looking very bright. I guess he had been waiting for this game to start for some time now.

It ended up being mostly Seulgi and Namjoon who drank. Jungkook had also gotten a his fair share of soju. It seemed like the more Jungkook got to drink the more anxious Seokjin became. He came to get Jungkook more than a couple of times, but every time Jungkook brushed him off. As he got drunker his replies to the older boy got more and more impolite, which obviously seemed to affect Seokjin.

“We’re running out of soju” Hoseok exclaimed rather loudly, as Jungkook had lost another round and was gulping a shot of soju, looking like he wasn’t even aware of what was going on and where he was.

“Guys, I really think you should stop now” Seokjin said once more and looked at Jungkook.

“I think we should stop too” I agreed with Seokjin. Partly because of Jungkook, who really shouldn’t drink anymore at least for some time and partly because I really needed some water myself. I could feel my mind getting blurred.

I felt a hand slide into mine. At this point I had had just the right amount of alcohol to slow my reflexes down, and it took a while before I noticed whose hand I was suddenly holding.

“Let’s go get some more soju” Namjoon whispered in my ear and pulled me up from the couch.

“Oh... okay” I mumbled and followed him.

I noticed how there seemed to be a lot more people now than when we had arrived and a lot of faces I didn’t know. When had they all come? I hadn’t noticed it at all, being too absorbed in the drinking game.

We went into what was clearly the kitchen, with a dining table on the left and a kitchen counter on the right. Namjoon let go of my hand and went to the fridge. He pulled out several bottles of soju and placed them on the counter.

The sight of all that soju suddenly made me dizzy.

“Do you have any water?” I blurted.

I almost facepalmed myself. Whenever I went out to drink I would always be careful not ask for water, but just get it myself. I had habit of thinking of myself as a party pooper, but other people didn’t need to know that. What was I doing, overthinking things?

“Sure” was the simple reply from Namjoon and he took out a bottle of water from the fridge and handed it to me. I must have looked weird or surprised or something, because Namjoon stared at me like he was expecting me to tell him something.

I could suddenly feel my phone vibrating in the pocket of my jeans and reached for it. Fumbling with my phone, I managed to pick it up.

“Hello?” I said into the phone.

“Mali, hi” a familiar voice answered. It was Rose. “You sound busy”

 “Oh, remember the guy I was telling you about? He’s throwing a party so I’m here with my friends” I explained. She could probably hear the loud music in the background.

“Sounds like fun” she said, sounding very neutral.

“Who is it?” Namjoon suddenly asked.

I put the phone down to my chest

“One of my good friends” I answered and smiled.

Rose had often told me that she didn’t really have any friends in Korea and it had always seemed like a touchy subject. It made me sad, whenever I thought about how her roommate and I might be her only friends in Korea. It had also already been a while since she had visited me…. Maybe I should invite her? I knew just the way to tempt her.

 “Namjoon?” I asked. I wasn’t going to invite her over without permission.

“Yeah?” He replied, looking at the soju bottles as if they were one of the biggest mysteries in the world.

“Can I invite a friend?” I asked, looking at him. He was trying to lift as many bottles as he could.

He turned around to face me.

“Of course” he said and smiled at me. Not a second later one of the soju bottles dropped out of his hand and fell to the floor. The clear liquid spread out as the bottle broke. Namjoon looked dumbfounded.

I held my breath so as not to begin laughing and put the phone to my ear.

“You should come!” I said into the phone, maybe a bit too loud.

“Ah, I don’t know-“ she began

“Oh come on, you can meet my friends and everyone else, I think you’ll like them!” I said and laughed.

After it sounded like she had been convinced I hung up, proud of my achievement. I had never been the type of person who could easily convince people to do stuff.

I had gone back to the living room with Namjoon after the call ended and quickly send Rose the address in a text message, hoping she wouldn’t get as lost as when she had tried to find my place.

“Guys! A friend of mine is coming” I grinned.

“Who?” Seulgi asked.

I suddenly realized I had never actually talked about Rose with Seulgi and Taeyoon.

“A friend from the US” I explained, “She’ll arrive in a while”

I sat down in the couch between Seulgi and Taeyoon.

“Anyway! There’s more drinks~” Namjoon said and began to pour soju into everyone’s glasses, even Jungkook’s, which made Seokjin sigh out loud.