Eight
Unsent LettersWonwoo finds himself not leaving the dorm for the past week, even skipping his classes and some of his workshifts. This for sure does not go unnoticed by his rommates but when he's being questioned about his strange behavior, he throws the same excuse each time.
However, with the looks on their faces, he knows they arent fooled but they dont press further and lets him have his space.
The truth is, he's been feeling rather down these days. His motivation is dead, he feels abit depressed and all the things that makes him want nothing more than to just stay under the covers.
And the reason he's acting this way? There isnt one. He woke up last week feeling like this and despite all the attempts his friends try to get him to step out of his doorstep or cheer him up, it doesnt work. The thing is, they've been constantly asking if everything's alright and it kinda gets on his nerves. He appreciates that they care, he knows they do but the problem is, he doesnt even know what the problem is in the first place.
A tiny part of him suspects its the blue coloured box sitting on his study table at the corner of his room. He's been staring at it for hours (and thats all he really does, really) and each time he approaches it, there's something about it that makes him uneasy and so he backs away and continues to stare at it.
Wonwoo has read most of the contents and there only one letter left. He groans in frustration because all he really wants to do now is get over this whole crush-on-his-bestfriend thing. He's one letter away from doing so, one letter away from being free but no. He mans up enough to actually open the goddamn box but never enough to open the letter itself.
He knows sooner or later he has to return the box because first, it belongs to Mingyu. Second, it'll be incredibly rude to ask someone else to return it for him especially after invading his personal space. Third, he needs to actually sort things out with him. Crush be damned, he just wants his best friend back. He's also running out of people to insult without being abused.
So on the eighth night, after rejecting Soonyoung's invitation to a party, he helps himself to some cookies and sits by the dining table. He places the box in front of him and takes a few deep breathes. "You can do this. Be a man, Wonwoo. Dont be a wuss." He says to himself.
His heart is beating really fast and he's nervous because he knows this one isnt going to be good. He bites his lower lip and reads.
24th October 2015
Dear Wonwoo hyung, I no longer give a . I mean, I didnt think I gave a before. But that was the amateur not-giving-a-. This is stop-at-nothing, dont-give-a- freedom. In case you're wondering, yes, I just quoted Theodore Finch but wow, that felt really good to say. Or write, either way. So um, I'll just get to the point. After eleven long months, I've decided that maybe its time I let you go. I think its quite clear that you're not planning to come back anymore so, what's the point right? Breakups are terrible heart wrenching things but ending things with a best friend? I dont think anything can be compared to this. Realizing the pieces of who you are now, no longer fits with your best friend. I dont think anything hurts as much as this. There's a huge hole that no one else can ever fill. Yeah, I've had my heart broken alot of times before, but none of those can be compared to this.
I guess it stings because I didnt see it coming or maybe I did but I always pushed it aside. I saw it coming the day you decided to change your path but I trusted you. I trusted you and believed you wouldnt just let us slip away like this. I keep telling myself that poeple always leave and you werent going to be any different but it didnt prepare me for the pain I felt and still feel. I know life well enough to know you cant count on things staying around or standing still, no matter how much you want them to. At certain point, I suppose we have to let go of people who dont love us or need us anymore, even if we dont want to.
For months, I've been trying to figure out how we ended up this way. How we drifted apart when at one point, we were unseparable. And remember those days where everything was fine and no matter what was happening, as long as we had each other, we'd be alright? I've been thinking about it every single day but I guess after four years, you've gotten bored of me. I was no longer good enough for you. And for the past few months, you didnt say anything regarding anything of the such, but I knew. I was losing you and there wasnt anything I could do about it.
Is it cruel for me to think this way? Would you understand and agree or would you hate me for having these thoughts? Eleven months of bearing, I'm not sure how much more I can hold up. Eleven months of loneliness, eleven months of one-sided effort and constant failed tries, I'm slowly reaching my limit. What happened to you? Where was the person I used to know? The voice in my head says, "you left him behind and moved on." You've moved forward to a new you and shut me out before I even had the chance to walk through that door. You probably havent noticed, but you left me here all by myself to no single idea to where you've gone. And no matter how much I tried, I'm still stuck here. When people ask me about you, I can only smile and shrug because how would I know the answer to that? Before all this happened, you told me to always trust you no matter what. To always believe in you and you know what? Up to this day, I still trust you but believing you is hard because I didnt know how to. How was I supposed to believe in you when you've been hiding so much from me? How can I be sure there isnt anything wrong with you? I'm so worried about you, I dont think you even understand. And tell me what's worse, not being able to help your own best friend or not even knowing what's wrong in the first place? I know I said I'll always accept you no matter how much you change but it happened so fast and out of the blue, I couldnt adapt to it. I also know I said its okay if one day you dont consider me as your best friend anymore, or if we dont talk that much anymore, or if you choose someone else over me, or if you found way better friends, or if you ignore me, or block me but truth be told, its not okay. I'm not okay. But aside from my selfishness, maybe you drifted away because I was too clingy for your liking, I wasnt trustable, I was burdening and irritating. Whatever reasons you have, I understand.
Its the same question everyday. How could you replace me so easily after everything we had? Did all those nights and days filled with laughter, tears, fun and memories mean nothing to you? How could you let us slip away so easily? And remember you said we separated because life wasnt fair? Like I said before, maybe you're right. But maybe if you made more effort, maybe if you care as much as I do, maybe if I was more important to you, maybe things didnt have to take this turn. Do you even know how mad am I at you sometimes? No, because it depletes as soon as I see you because all I ever want to do is talk, laugh, joke around and get to know you, just like we used to.
Losing you is the worst. I mean, losing the others would hurt too but it wouldnt hurt as much as losing you. It you know? Being downgraded from best friend to stranger in just a short amount of time. Its like having your soulmate ripped away from you. Its like having your other half taken away from you. And I dont think I'm ready and ever will be ready for this. But now I can set you free with much ease. If you want to leave, then go. Because why make someone stay when you know they want to leave, right? But I hope you remember this hyung;
Although I'm angry at you now, I'll understand all of this someday. Someday talking about you wouldnt hurt anymore. And if you ever want to come back, I'm here and always will be. And if anyone ever ask me about our status or relationship, I'd tell them, "He's my best friend. But I'm not his, and thats okay." And I'll mean it someday. Someday I'll openly accept all of this and be okay of our broken 'best friend forever' that we both mutually hoped for. Someday, I wont mind carrying this promise alone because you'll always be my best friend forever.
But as for now, I'll allow myself to be mad at you. I dont know how long will I be though but like Seokmin said to me earlier, "Its okay to be still upset. Your heart has to figure out how to deal with loving someone who isnt there anymore, that's alot for anyone to handle." Its a good advice and really comforting but I'm pretty sure he got that from tumblr or something. (Because this is Seokmin we're talking about. I'm just saying.)
Thanks for everything hyung. Thanks for the past four years. Take care of yourself.
Lots of love, Kim Mingyu.
It hits Wonwoo hard and his heart breaks but he holds back his tears because what right did he have to cry? Its his fault for letting things go wrong. He reads the date again and his heart breaks all over again.
Wonwoo is two weeks too late.
well that took me longer than usual.... sorry to keep you all waiting but heres an update. comments are very very appreciated! :)
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