The rest of the week went pretty much the same. I gradually got used to the various lessons, and got to know some of the trainees. I didn’t talk much to Lee Shi-yeon again, preferring to stay away from the inveterate gossip. My vocal lessons are progressing well, with In Na Eunni being very supportive and encouraging. The Basic Singing lessons supplement them, and we just practice singing in a  group and harmonizing with others, etc. I’d forgotten how much I’d loved singing, and it’s really fun to learn it properly from scratch. Dancing is also going well enough, with the instructor satisfied with my progress.

          My first A&M class was a really bizarre experience. For my first lesson, the instructor had all six of us in the class stand in front of a mirror and make different expressions. We were given different emotions like anger, disgust, shock, surprise, amusement and so on, and we had to act them out without making our faces look deformed. The instructor explained that if we’re ever pictured with a weird expression after or even before we debut, it’s most likely going to circulate the internet for ages to come. She even had a whole powerpoint presenation with some pre-debut and even post-debut pictures of some idols and after seeing the cringe-inducingly embarassing photos we were more than ready to give our all for this lesson. We would practice how to be photogenic no matter the circumstance, in order to maintain our images.

          After the lesson, I was once again left in awe of the idols who probably had to be constantly aware of their expressions all the time, even when they have no schedules. It was really much harder than I expected to control one's facial expression. I mean, how do you not cringe when there's something completely disgusting in front of you? Or not laugh when something funny happens? It's something we don't think about, a reflex reaction. Like screaming when you're scared or crying when you're hurt. But as our instructor said, "There's no such thing as 'freedom of expression' for idols, pun intended. You can't show your feelings on your face as you wish. What if someone has a funny accident in front of you? You don't have the luxury of laughing at them, because fans are everywhere. Your career could be over in a moment if you get into a controversy, especially in the early stages of being an idol."

          I honestly never thought that this is the reason celebrities always look so flawless, even in fan-taken pictures. The instructor was very strict, and had us do the same exercise over and over again, but still wasn’t happy with our progress by the time the lesson ended. We were all told to work it on it till our next lesson. I just thanked God I wasn’t the only one struggling, or I would have been in for it. It was a bit surprising how passionate the instructor was about the topic seeing as how it seemed so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. But still, I'm determined to improve my skills in this department too. I'm telling you, some of those photos were truly traumatic.

          After the class, I had the regular weekly meeting with Jo-ssaem, and we just talked about my performance in the lessons, how I was utilizing my personal practice time, how I was doing compared to the other trainees and so on.

          “It doesn’t matter if you are the newest trainee or the oldest. What matters is how you compare with the other trainees. The higher you are on the list, the better your chances of debuting, understand? You should see them as your rivals as well as your inspiration. See how hard they work, and work even harder if you want to move up the list.”

          That conversation bothered me for quite a while after the meeting ended. Sure I want to debut, but do I have to see every other trainee as my rival? It just seems so... lonely. I might go crazy from the pressure of trying to compete with everyone else! So after much thought, I've decided to just focus on myself and improving my skills as best as I can. Still, on the days when I'm told that I need to work harder on something, it bothers me somewhere deep in the darkness of my heart that others were able to do it just fine, while I'm still struggling with it. It makes me hate that part of myself each time and only adds to the misery and helplessness.

          Not to mention, the biweekly assessment is drawing closer as each day passes. I am exempt from this one since I've just joined, but I have to participate in the next one. Watching the other trainees practicing at all hours of the day and stressing about their performance in the assessment is draining me of energy and motivation. Would this be me when I'm facing my own assessment in two weeks?

          There's only two days left before the assessment now, and I've decided to take a break from it all, and visit Sung Jae Oppa after my lessons for the day are done. Of course, we meet at the dance studio and I end up dancing anyway, but it’s a pleasant break because I get to dance purely for the sake of dancing and not to improve my scores or to compete with the other trainees. By the time I head home I'm refreshed and ready to handle the stress of being an SM trainee again. Even in the dorm, everyone is stressed so I try my best to stay out of their way and make some energising food for everyone. Somehow, they seem to get through the assessment and start resembling human beings again.

          Before I know it, another two weeks have passed and it’s almost time for my first assessment. In A&M, we’ve now moved on from facial expressions to reacting to different situations on stage, and also learnt some modeling poses and tricks. I’ve been practicing both singing and dancing like crazy so I’m confident I won’t make a fool of myself in front of the higher-ups. At least in singing, there’s been a huge improvement from when I first started. In Na Eunni is happy with my progress, so I can only hope the judges at the assessment will be too.

          On the day of the assessment, I’m up early, cooking up a storm. The others have already gone to the trainee center for some last-minute practice, but I just can’t face the thought of more practice when my stomach is a ball of nerves. Unable to put it off any longer, I finally head to the trainee center at ten, two hours before my assessment time. Surprisingly, seeing the other trainees just as nervous and stressed as me helps a lot. Feeling a bit better, I head to one of the empty practice rooms, and practice my singing. I’ve been working on being less conscious of my voice and enunciating and “singing with my mouth open”, as In Na Eunni puts it.

          I practice my dancing for a bit too, and rest for the last few minutes before heading to the assessment room. Luckily, I don’t mess anything up and the judges seem to be satisfied with my progress. I’ll get the results tomorrow when I meet with Jo-ssaem. Phew, thank god that’s over… Now I just have to do it all over again in two weeks. I groan at the thought.

************

          The next day, Jo-ssaem tells  me that the judges were pleased with the progress that I’d made, and were expecting me to keep going at the same rate. We discuss other things like the new school timings and maybe starting Japanese lessons. After the meeting, I head to the private practice rooms. On my way, I stop when I hear my name being mentioned inside one of the practice rooms.

          “-heard her singing at the assessment. I didn’t think she was good enough to get into SM as a singer… Does she have connections somewhere? Even Lee Soo Man was personally present for her audition, I heard.”

          Hearing someone else coming down the corridor behind me, I quickly continue on my way. At home, I tell Jun about it and she sighs. “Well, rumours and gossip are going to be a part of your life if you ever debut, so better get used to it. If  I were you, I wouldn’t pay attention to it,” she advises me. I know that what she said makes sense, but it continues to bother me all the way until my singing lesson with In na Eunni and she pokes and prods at me until I spit it out.

          “Your circumstances were very special, Min-ah. While it might not be true that you got in through connections, it is true that Lee-Sajang was present during your audition, whatever the reason. And you were selected to be a trainee due to your singing, not dancing, even though you’ve had no formal instruction whatsoever in singing. People will talk. There’s nothing you can do about it other than practice hard and improve your singing skills and show them exactly why you have the right to be here.”

          She is absolutely right. There isn’t much I can do about it, so I suppose I might as well channel the frustration into something useful and practice my off. This is something I've known since the beginning and it's also not much different from what Jun said, but why does hearing it from Eunni comfort me? I wonder if it's because she's a teacher who's older and generally wiser?

          “How do you feel right now?” Eunni asks me all of a sudden.

          “Confused? Helpless, angry, frustrated,” I reply, wondering why she’s asking.

          “Good. Now I want you to put all those feelings into the next song you’ll be singing. Read through the lyrics and try to sing with the same feelings you have now.”

          She hands me the lyrics to a song about feeling hopeless about all the things dragging a person down, and ends with them deciding to try one more time to overcome the situation they’re in. I like it, and it’s a bit similar to my situation too. After playing the music once so I can get the feel for how it's supposed to go, she re-starts the music. I sing, trying my best to feel the emotions in the lyrics and to bring them out into the world through my singing. When I’m done, she’s clapping furiously, “Well-done! That’s exactly how a song should be sung. With feeling!”

          I’m excited too now, because she looks so happy. “I can hear the difference in the technical aspect too. Just a little bit more - you have to learn about ad-libbing in singing, and some other things and then you’ll just have to practice over and over again until you’re comfortable with everything. You’ll be on par with all the other singing trainees, and we can then work on making you stand out. You have a lovely voice so it shouldn’t be too hard.”

          I start to believe her only when she plays the recording back to me. Even I can notice the difference from the first time I sang in here. Now in a good mood, we continue with the lesson, and we both leave the room happy that day.

************

          Soon, the summer holidays are almost done and we only have a week of (relative) freedom left before we will have to start juggling trainee life and school as well. Oh boy, even just thinking about it is tiring me out. Right, let’s not think about it until I have to. All of us at the dorm are about school starting soon and I have the brilliant idea of celebrating the end of summer one night when we still have the time and energy to spare. They all agree and we make plans to have a blast on the Friday night before school starts. We leave all the planning to Jun and Sun Mi Eunni as they are the most experienced in such matters. We make a pact with each other to practice extra hard that week in preparation for the party and it’s Friday before we know it.

          “Are you guys ready to party?!” Jun riles us up.    

          “Yes!!” We all cheer with our glasses up in the air.  

          “Kanpai!!” Jun cheers, showing off her Japanese.

          “Kanpai!” we faithfully repeat, clinking all our glasses together. There is a wide spread of different kinds of fast food in front of us, along with numerous bottles of soft drinks and fruit juice for Sun Mi Eunni. Apparently, the soda makes her tummy feel weird… Oh well, that just means more cola for me! Looking at all this food now definitely makes it worth practicing my off this last week. We definitely earned this break from the diet we have to follow.

          “If the nutritionist saw us now, she’d have a panic attack,” Sun Mi Eunni cackles as she stuffs with cheese pizza. On the side, Hee Won is mixing raspberry juice with Coke…

          “Are you making a punishment drink?” I ask her curiously. She looks at me with wide, innocent eyes. “No, Eunni, it tastes really good like this!” I can only stare at her blankly.

          “Want to try?” she offers me a glass. I shake my head no so hard I’m surprised it doesn’t fall off. She shrugs and downs her mocktail with a satisfied grin. She has really strange tastes…

          We all eat and drink and play Truth (no Dare because we are feeling too lazy to get up off our asses to do any dares), teasing each other like old friends, and acting drunk on nothing more than cola and fruit juice. I guess we were all just happy to have found such good friends in the competitive trainee environment where we are encouraged to think of each other as rivals and are all competing for a chance to debut. We all conk out one by one as the night progresses and just sleep in the living room that night, cuddling with whoever's next to us, like a big old sleepover.

          When I wake up the next morning, I find myself covered by a blanket from my room, and Sun Mi Eunni and Hee Won gone. Jun is still dead to the world nearby, mouth slightly agape. She has her own blanket near her legs, obviously having kicked it off in her sleep. Amazing friend that I am, I quickly snap a very unflattering picture on my phone to save for blackmail later. Kekeke. Cue evil laugh. Hmm, I’m going to have to practice that later.

          I start getting ready to head to the trainee center for some practice. I’ll have to burn off all the calories I consumed yesterday and I can already tell it’s going to be no easy task. Sigh...

          Sun Mi Eunni comes out of the shower and greets me. “Oh, you woke up? Hee Won already went to the trainee center, I think. She’s so hard-working, that kid. I’m about to go too. I have a meeting later.” I nod sleepily.

          By the time I’m dressed, Jun is up as well. She looks so confused and tired that I take pity on her and hand her a cup of instant coffee that I’d made for myself and head to the kitchenette to prepare another one. She gets up off her and follows me to the counter.

          “Where are the others?”

          “They already went ahead to the trainee center. Aren’t you going in today?”

          “I should. I can feel the fat forming as we speak. I shouldn’t have eaten so much last night. I feel sick now. Ugh…”

          “Don’t worry, I’ll make salad for all our meals until we make up for the extra calories!”

          She grimaces, not sure whether to be pleased about that or not. I laugh at her, ruffling her already messed up bed hair. She grins goofily at me.

          “See you later!” I tell her as I head out the door with my bag, coffee cup in hand.

          She seems to remember something and runs out of the door behind me in her Hello Kitty pyjamas, hair still sticking up in all directions. “Let’s go to school together on Monday!! It’s your first day, right?”

          I nod and wave at her. “Got it! Now get your inside before you destroy our dorm’s reputation among the trainees!”

          “Pfft, what reputation you delusional woman? Anyway, be ready by seven on Monday or I’m going to leave you behind!” she yells as she heads in, sticking her tongue out at me.

          I laugh at the closed door for a minute and turn around to (finally) go to the trainee center. My smile slips a little as I think about entering a new school. Being a transfer student in the second semester of the second year should be fun, I think sarcastically. I wonder what the new school will be like...

A/N: Hello, long time no see! Before I'm stoned to death, let me tell y'all how sorry I am that it's been so long (three weeks!) since my last update. Life got in the way of my better intentions, as it's wont to do. I graduated from uni a few months ago and am in the process of looking for a job. To put it simply, it big-time. Anyway, I have a second interview for a job I'm really hoping I'll get tomorrow. It looks promising, and if I get the job I'll have a lot more free time and there will definitely be more frequent updates, so please pray for me!! 

So what did you think of this chapter? It's more than 3100 words, so hopefully it somewhat compensates for the late update! I'm really happy with how it turned out plot-wise, though I'm second-guessing myself on whether I used the right tense at a couple places. English is not my native language, so I'll shamelessly use that excuse not to go look up the grammar (did I mention I'm lazy like that?). If any of you eagle-eyed people spot any errors and can be bothered enough to point them out to me, go right on ahead. Constructive criticism is always appreciated. 

Love,

Prathyu

P.S. - The idol involvement will slowly start increasing in the story from next chapter once Min starts attending school and stuff, so if any of you are only sticking around for your Oppas, there's that to look forward to. Don't lose hope yet! :D