A person from SM gave me a call and told me that I was expected at the head office at 10 am sharp on Wednesday, and to prepare a full dance routine for the occasion. She advised me to have two short backup routines in different styles in case they asked to see other styles, and to prepare a few verses of two different songs, just in case they asked me to sing. I wasn't really expecting to have to sing at the final round, though. I was auditioning as a dancer, after all. But better safe than sorry, I suppose. To be honest, singing is not one of my assets. One might call it a weakness, even.

          I distinctly remember being told by a neighbor Oppa I'd really liked when I was in grade school that I had an awful voice and should never even attempt to sing in front of others and subject them to the torture of having to listen to me. I hadn't really given much thought to singing or my voice before that incident. I liked singing so I sang, simple as that. But ever since that comment from Ho-dong Oppa, I had become very self-conscious about my voice and never sang in public again. I have gotten over it somewhat the last few years since I practiced in front of Sung Jae oppa and he didn't flee in terror, but I'm still not as comfortable with it as I used to be. I have dancing, anyway, so it doesn't really matter as long as I don't sound like a dying cat. They'll either teach me what I need to learn or just give me less lines in songs when I debut.

          Yes, when, not if. I'm going to make it as an idol, and for that I need to stay positive. Sung Jae Oppa is the one who told me that confidence is one of the most important things necessary to survive in the industry. And I believe him.

***********************************************************

I've practiced my dance routine every spare moment I've had, and I’m quite comfortable with it by now. I also have two other pieces that I've been working on for a while that I've chosen as my backup if the judges want to see something different. As for the songs, I've memorized the lyrics to two songs that I am very familiar with, and practiced them half-heartedly with Sung Jae Oppa as my audience. He'd clapped politely when I was finished and teasingly told me to stick with dancing in the future. I very maturely stuck my tongue out at him.

          And now it's finally here. The first time I'm entering the headquarters of SM Entertainment. I'm excited, nervous, confident and freaking out like no-one's business as I try to navigate around the crowd of fans in front of the entrance. Holy , do trainees have to do this on a daily basis? Maybe I should have thought this idol/trainee business through… Who am I kidding? I'll do anything to be able to move out of my house without hurting anybody’s feelings and what's a better excuse than "I want to be an idol, so I'm going to become a trainee at SM"? At least I'd had the good sense to arrive an hour early. I take a deep breath and try to skirt around the fangirl crowd and fight my way through to the doors somehow where one of the security guards steps forward to deal with me.

          "What business do you have here, miss?" he asks me in a suspicious tone of voice. He does try his best not to let it show on his face, though.

          "I am here for my final audition," I tell him, showing him the email confirmation I was told to print and bring with me.

          He scans it with the hand-held machine he has and lets me in through the doors.

          "Good luck!" he calls after me as I enter.

          I quickly smile at him and turn around to figure out where to go. My mouth drops open as I scan the entrance hall. It's spacious with a high ceiling and stylish curved stairs going up behind the reception desk and a lounge with bean bags and funky chairs on the ground level. From what I can see, there seems to be another lounge upstairs overlooking the lobby. I can see some people sitting and chatting but I can't really recognize any of them from here. Not wanting to look like a total bumpkin, I make my way towards the reception desk and show them my printout. The lady there takes it with a smile and types something into the computer. She then makes a phone call to let someone know I'm here. She points at the general direction of the beanbags and tells me to take a seat. I throw myself at a lime green beanbag and settle down to wait for the remaining 40 minutes before the assigned time.

          I finally have the chance to observe the comings and goings in the lobby. There's not really much to see, unfortunately. I'd been hoping I'd see someone even vaguely familiar but nope, not a single star in sight. Instead, there's middle-aged men wearing boring suits walking in through one of the doors on the side and heading up the stairs. This is so boring. Is this really the headquarters of SM, the largest entertainment agency in the Republic of South Korea? Where are the stars, the idols, the harried-looking managers? I wasn't as stupid as the fangirls (or fanboys; I’m a feminist and firmly believe both genders are equally prone to stupidity) who auditioned for SM with the sole purpose of meeting their idols, but I'd expected to at least see one or two familiar faces in passing. I guess not…

          My musings are interrupted by footsteps coming toward me. I look up to see a middle-aged man briskly walking towards me.

          “So Jung Min?” he asks looking at me.

          “Yes, that’s me,” I say, a little confused as I’m sure it hasn’t been more than 5 minutes since I sat down. There’s still lots of time left before the time I was assigned.

          He just tells me to follow him without any explanation. I grab my bag and follow him up the stairs behind the reception. As we walk he explains to me that he was one of the managers who worked for SM, and that he would also be present at the audition today. “Your audition time was moved up because Lee-Sajangnim has some free time right now and decided he wanted to be present for the final auditions today.”

          I wondered if I should consider myself lucky for getting to see the elusive owner of SM or very unlucky for having to impress him to pass the audition. I’d heard that he’d withdrawn from the everyday goings-on at the company. And now he was going to be at my audition? You’ve got to be kidding me. The difficulty level of this audition has just gone up from “Highly Unlikely” to “Impossible”. No matter, I can do this, I try to reassure myself as I try to follow the man in front of me without tripping over my feet.

          He finally stops in front of a pair of closed wooden doors that have a plaque saying Audition Room on them. He asks for the song I’ll be dancing to and I hand him my memory stick. He then motions for me to enter the room first. It looks a little like a conference room but without the U-table or the chairs. Instead there’s a single long table where the judges are seated and just empty space in front of them which I assume is for me, so I go over and stand in front of the judges. There are three men and two women in front of me. I guess the older looking guy in the centre must be Lee Soo Man. The manager guy is now standing behind them with another man who I guess must be another manager with free time on his hands. I quickly glance at the judges and introduce myself.

          "My name is So Jung Min. I'm hoping to enter SM as a dancer," I inform them. One of the ladies nods and gives me a brief smile.

          "I see you have a modern dance routine prepared for us. You can start now," she tells me, looking down at the papers in front of her. She gives me a minute to prepare myself and presses play. I slightly fumble with one of the steps in the beginning but pretend nothing is amiss as I continue with the rest of the routine.

          They don't stop me halfway through which I can only hope is a positive sign. I hold the last pose for a few seconds and try to control my hard breathing. I look up at them and give them a nervous smile. I see that two of them are smiling at me, the lady who’d talked before and one of the men. I can’t read the expression Lee Soo Man has, but at least he isn’t frowning.

          “Can you sing something for us? It doesn’t have to be a full song. Just 50-60 seconds is enough. We want to get an idea of what your singing skills are like,” the lady says.

          My first reaction is to panic, but I quickly suppress that and tell them the name and artist for the song that I’d kinda practiced. I start singing as they give me the go-ahead. I’m pretty sure that this audition is going to be a failure. Like I said, I’m not a very good singer to start with, and to have to sing in front of Lee Soo Man, especially when I hadn’t really been expecting to have to sing at all meant that my performance was mediocre at best. As I sing the last few notes, I can see a frown forming on Lee Soo Man’s face. The others look unimpressed, and the lady tries to move on with the audition. “Okay, have you prepared any poses or monologues for the modeling/acting side? It’s not necessary, but if you are interested in pursuing either avenue then we want to see something related to that today.”

          “I haven’t really considered either of those options,” I tell her. I don’t think I’m tall enough to be a model anyway and I have absolutely no idea about the first thing to do with acting. She nods as if it’s expected and then looks at the other judges to see if anyone has anything to add. They seem to communicate without any words and she turns back to me. Lee Soo Man has been staring at me the whole time.

          “I think that’s all we have to ask-” she begins, but is cut off by Lee Soo Man.

          “Do you have anything else you can sing for us?” he asks gruffly. I tell them the name of the other generic pop song I’d prepared. He shakes his head no.

          “I want to hear you sing a song that has personal meaning to you. Take a few minutes to think about it and pick a song that means something to you.”

          I’m a bit confused as to what difference it makes, but chalk it up to the old man being eccentric in his old age and decide to humor him. I think about all the songs I’ve listened to on repeat and try to pick one I’m confident with. But they don’t have any particular meaning to me. Maybe that song would do…

          I remember one song I used to sing quite often before my mom had passed away. I love that song because she’d sing it to me every year on my birthday in her gentle, soothing voice. She used to say it was perfect for me because I was born only a few days after Christmas, the peak of winter. I don’t remember the original singer but I’m pretty sure the song’s title is Winter Child. I decide to just go with that one as I couldn’t possibly sound worse than I did before with the other song.

          I take a deep breath and start singing. I want to do at least this one song justice as it’s one of the precious few memories I have of my mother. I forget the audition, the judges, the video camera blinking in the corner, everything, and sing my heart out recalling all the memories of my mom singing to me. I draw out the last few notes and realize I’d forgotten to make eye-contact with the judges while I was singing. , I distinctly remember Jae Min Oppa telling me that eye-contact was important… Oh well, it can’t get much worse than this.

          I look up at the judges and they seem to have gotten blurrier. Am I… crying? Apparently I am because the manager guy signals me to wipe my tears from behind the judges. I quickly do and look expectantly at Lee Soo Man as he is the one that requested me to sing. He has a contemplative smile on his face while the other judges seem to be surprised and somewhat pleased, I think. The silence is broken by Lee Soo Man.

          “Why do you want to be an idol?”

Author's Note :

Another chapter up already! :D What do you think so far?