“Are you ready?” Inna Eunni asks me as I clear my throat and do some last-minute vocal exercises to prepare myself for the performance to come.

  We’re at the park again in what is becoming an unfortunately familiar routine. It’s Friday and we’re busking again. Inna Eunni had me pick out some songs that I want to sing and she’s had me practice them all week so I could be confident while singing here. And surprisingly enough, I think it’s working. I’m not comfortable, per se, but I’m also not too distressed.

I think it’s a little like when I first got my period. I was eleven and hadn’t been expecting it at all. All I knew was that I woke up one morning to see that my sheets had blood on them and started freaking out. I wasn’t ignorant or stupid, I knew about periods and that every girl had them. But that didn’t mean I was in any way prepared for it. Luckily I had the pack Grandma had given me when she briefly explained about periods to me a couple of years ago. At that time I had only half paid attention to her as it didn’t seem like something that would ever apply to me, but I’d kept the pack of pads she’d given me.

I think that’s the time I missed my mom the most since she left us. I hated that she wasn’t here for me when I needed her so much. I hated that everything hurt, I hated that my body didn’t feel like mine anymore, and most of all I hated that as far as I knew, none of the girls in my class had gotten their period yet...

It was unfair that I had to suffer like this without anyone to comfort me. I wanted to tell Dad and have him spoil me but Grandma had told me that this wasn’t something one discussed with those of the opposite gender so I kept quiet. I did call Grandma for help, but she couldn’t make the trip to Seoul on such short notice and I had to make do the best I could. So I spent the six days of my first period in absolute misery, trying to hold it together. I hated menstruation with a vengeance. It hurt, it felt weird, and I really had to wonder how I was still alive after losing so much blood. I had seen people die on TV with much less blood loss.

In the end, over the years I’ve had no choice but to get used to it and it has become something familiar and expected. It still hurts sometimes, it still feels weird, and it’s still a crime scene down there every month. But it definitely isn’t the end of the world; not even close. Even if it did seem like that when I was eleven and having my first period.

I think this is something similar. I hadn’t thought I would ever actually have to sing in front of others like this. Sure, I was planning to become an idol but I guess it never really sunk in that that would require me to sing in front of a live audience. I just always thought they’d be watching from behind a screen and it would be much less personal. It’s terrifying singing this way, it’s incredibly personal and intimate, being able to see the reactions of the crowd to every tiny sound that comes out of my mouth, just waiting and waiting for the jeering and booing. But it never comes. They don’t seem to hate my singing. At least not to the extent of booing.

I mean, I know intellectually that if I was a bad singer SM would never have accepted me, but it’s hard to overcome years of self-conditioning in such a short amount of time. I’ve tried to convince myself that I’ll be fine but the truth is that I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the old man to realise that he made a blunder and kick me out. I’m scared out of my mind every time I go in for the assessment that that’ll be the last chance I’ll get. It’s why I’m busting my trying to excel in both singing and dancing. That way, even if they think I at singing, maybe they’ll keep me on for my dancing skills.

But for now, I’m going to try and believe that I am actually good at singing. Maybe if I tell myself that enough times I’ll actually believe it.

“Min-ah, you ready or not?” Inna Eunni waves a hand in front of me, trying to get my attention. She laughs at me as I jump.

“H-huh? Oh. Yeah, I’m ready...”

“Which song do you want to sing first?”

We work our way through my repertoire and I keep an eye on the crowd, trying to gauge their reactions to the different songs. There’s more people here than there were last week, and there’s more people joining the crowd around us than there are people breaking away from it. We get a hearty applause when our little show finally comes to an end and we both bow happily. I run to check the empty guitar-case that we use to collect the money. I quickly count out the money, unable to believe my eyes. It’s almost double what we made the first week!

************

“Eunni! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! Do you sleep in the practice room these days or what?” I ask jokingly.

“Yeah, I’ve had to do that three times already this week. I’m so tired!” Sunmi Eunni complains as she drops down on the couch next to me. It’s almost midnight and I just got home from the trainee center after practicing the showcase routine. I decided to call it a day earlier than usual to reward myself for the lesson with Inna Eunni today. She was a little surprised that we made so much money too, but was quick to congratulate me, insisting I deserved every single won of it. I swear I almost started bawling right there on the street.

“Why? Are they working you so hard you don’t even have the time to come home to sleep?” Is this what I had to look forward to when I finally moved to the main building?

“Ugh, you have no idea, sweetie. The instructors there are just so intense about everything. And for some goddamn reason they insisted I work on my singing and dancing as well, which makes no sense. I think it’s kinda obvious at this point that I’m an actor, not an idol. It’s driving me absolutely crazy.”

I winced as she explained. Yowch, that had to be frustrating. Having to do something she didn’t have much interest in. I could slightly relate since I wasn’t too happy at first about having to train in singing either. But at least I had the comfort that it was something I once loved doing, and apparently had some talent in.

“Maybe they want you to be prepared for all eventualities,” I tried to cheer her up, thinking of any scenario where she might need singing and dancing to be an actress.

“Eunni, what if they want you to audition for musicals?!” I shout in excitement, as I realised one scenario where singing, dancing and acting went hand in hand. She obviously hadn’t considered that either, as her eyes lit up and she started bouncing up and down in her seat.

“Oh my god, do you really think that could be it? It makes sense! , I should be practicing harder. I’m going to go back to the practice room. See you later, Min-ah!”

She starts to get up but I pull her back down with a tug, “Eunni, I know you’re excited but it’s past twelve now. There’s no point going back to practice now. Just relax for tonight. You need a break every now and then or you’ll break down. I don’t need another crazy person in the dorm. Jun is enough,” I joke.

“I heard that!” Jun says with narrowed eyes, coming in the door just then. Speak of the devil.

“Hahahahahahahahaha……….. I love you?” I try, already getting off of the couch and backing away from the she-devil.

“Nice try. But you’re not getting off that easy,” she says and pounces on me, proceeding to tickle me while I writhe and squirm in her grip, trying to break free. “Eunni, help!!” I scream.

    “Sorry, hon, but you’re on your own. I like you, I really do, but Jun scares me a lot more than you do,” she jokes, watching us in amusement from the sofa.

    I gasp. “You traitor! How could you-? To me? After all we’ve been through!” I exclaim, even stopping my struggle in Jun’s clutches for more dramatic effect.

“Easily,” Eunni smugly pokes out a tongue at me. Jun stops tickling me and we share a look. Nodding, we both pounce on Eunni without warning and tickle her mercilessly. She flails and shrieks, dropping heavily onto the floor from the sofa. We continue tickling her until she begs for mercy.

“Are you sorry for betraying me yet?” I ask mock-threateningly.

“Yes! Yes, so please stop tickling me!”

“Are you saying you would go against me for her? We’ve known each other for longer!” Jun pretends to be the one upset now.

“No! You know I wouldn’t do that,” she tries to convince Jun once she sees the evil glint in Jun’s eyes.

“So you aren’t sorry for not helping me then,” I announce, right before I go back to tickling her to death. Jun joins in a moment later.

“Argh, why do I have such evil dongsaengs?” she groans, giving up on stopping us from our fun.

“What have I done to deserve this torture? Won’t a valiant knight come forth to rescue this maiden from the clutches of these evil heathens?” She goes off on a lengthy dialogue, true to her larger-than-life personality. No wonder she’s an actress. We all know she isn’t half as ticklish as she’s making out to be. But it’s more fun this way, so we play along.

“Never! You will never escape our clutches, dumb princess.” You will have to cook for us and polish our apples, forever!” Jun proclaims loudly. Apples? I mouth at Jun. She gives me a -eating grin and shrugs.

We all turn as one to the door when we hear it opening, and Hee Won enters the dorm. She stops short when she sees us on the floor, Eunni on the floor with Jun straddling her and me near her head, holding her hands down so Jun can tickle her more easily. Of course, it all looks extremely inappropriate despite the fact that we are all girls here and all our clothes are still on. Hee Won just raises her eyebrows and asks, “Do I want to know?”

    Sun Mi Eunni gives me and Jun a look. Message received. Hee Won doesn’t miss it either as she blanches and tries to make a run for her room, but we intercept her before she makes it even halfway there, and soon we have her squealing away in our hands. Ah, good old-fashioned bonding between girls. From there it turns into a free-for-all and somewhere down the line, someone gets their hands on some pillows and it escalates into a pillow-fight. By the time we’ve all used up our energy, we are all on the floor in a tangle of limbs and pillows, bursting into giggles every few minutes for no particular reason.

     “Ramen?”

     “Call.”

     We spend another hour basking in the warmth of our friendship, talking about everything and nothing, just enjoying the camaraderie and mutual support. That night is one of the best ones I’ve had in a really long time. I’ve always wanted this. This sort of quiet companionship where it doesn’t needed to be expressed in words how much we all value each other, where we know without having to ask or confirm that we will be there for the others when needed, no strings attached. More than anything, this is what makes me glad I became a trainee.

Oh, god, I hate being a trainee…

I’ve been practicing the same step over and over again for what feels like a zillion times already but I just can’t seem to get it right. I keep missing the timing to turn my foot to continue with the next part properly in time with the music. Oh Min Jung can’t get a step right. Again. What else is new? Sigh… I shouldn’t be beating myself up over this. We did just learn it in class earlier today after all. But still, almost everyone in class seemed to have no problem with it. Why am I the only struggling with it?

     I rewind the music and try it again. And again. But nope. Still no good. I give up for now and practice for the showcase instead. I run through the routine over and over again till I’m in the zone and it’s all starting to come together really well. I’ve gotten much better at the flow of the movements since I had Jun give me a few tips on where I was going wrong and was feeling much more confident about the performance. Maybe I should ask her to help me with this step too. No, I don’t want to keep bugging her every time I can’t get a step right. It’s not fair to her if I do that. I should probably ask the instructor for help. But it’s so embarrassing that I’m the only one that hasn’t gotten it right yet.

     I’m distracted by my phone buzzing near my bag, notifying me of an incoming call. It’s Jun.

“Hello?”

“Hey, where are you? Are you still practicing?”

“Yeah, why, is everything okay at the dorm?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine here, but do you realise what the time is right now?”

“Um… It’s… two-thirty a.m.” I reply. Why is she calling me to ask me the time? She can check it on her phone herself!

“So you do know how to check the time. Very good. Do you realise that you have school tomorrow? When were you planning to get some sleep, huh?”

“Jun! I won’t die from not sleeping one night!” I protest, feeling unfairly accused.

“Please, I know this isn’t the first time you’ve been training this late. I know you want to do well, but you need to take care of your body as well. It just can’t function without sleep or food, you know. I know I have no right to nag you but please take care of yourself. Sun Mi Eunni and Hee Won are worried about you too,” she said softly.

Oh, these guys will be the death of me. Really. Trying to keep myself from tearing up, I nod before realising she can’t see me. “Mm-kay,” I mumble into the phone. “I’ll get more than two hours of sleep every night. It’s just… It’s just that everyone else has been training for longer than I have and I just need to catch up… I don’t want to bring our group down at the showcase.”

“You won’t, you doofus. You’ve already improved a whole lot. And I keep telling you we still have time to practice before then,” Jun said, exasperated.

“Okay, okay, I got it. No need for name-calling,” I laugh.

“Well, you don’t seem to get the message any other way,” she teased me. “Anyway, I’m dead tired now so I’m going to bed but you better come home soon or I’m coming after you, get it?”

“Yes, ma’am!”, I reply, throwing my hand up in a mock-salute. “Jun, I’m sorry I made you guys worry for me… And you definitely have the right to nag me” I say softly, beyond grateful that they cared enough to actually worry about me to this extent.

“Of course we worry about you. That’s what friends are for. Now get your home.”

     I try the step from before one more time to see where I was going wrong. Without even realising it, I’ve already done it a few times but I still can’t seem to get it.

     “You’re not moving your foot to the left before you do the turn,” says an exasperated voice from behind me.

     I whirl around, suddenly remembering that I’m still in the main building and not the trainee center. We’d been practicing the showcase routine as a group before and I’d stayed behind to practice some more because I didn’t want to waste time going all the way to the trainee center to practice. To be fair, I wasn’t planning on staying here for so long either, I just kind of lost track of time earlier. The point is, I have no business being in this building at all, and I’ve just been busted. Unlike Mi Ran, I have no idea how to talk my way out of this mess.

     But all my worries kind of faded away when I saw that it wasn’t a staff member that caught me red-handed. It was just Oh Sehun standing in the doorway, looking casual in a hoodie and sweats. I stared at him for a full minute, trying to process what was happening. Despite the fact that we’d been practicing in the main building for a few days now, we’d never run into any celebrities, so forgive me for being a little surprised at Sehun’s presence.

     “What are you doing here?” I ask.

     “Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” he shot back, making his way to where I was standing. Right… He’s an idol that’s perfectly in his rights to be here. Me on the other hand… Well, I’m technically trespassing right now. Or is it breaking and entering, even though there was no breaking involved? What’s the difference between those two, anyway? Maybe it’s the jail time you get for each? Wait, am I going to go to jail for this?! No way! I’d never make it as an idol if I have a police record.

     Wait, what am I doing? I have more important stuff to deal with. Brain, snap to it!

     “Right… Um, I’m just practicing?”

     “Yes, I could see that. I was going to leave when I realised you weren’t Kai, but you kept making the same mistake over and over again that I couldn’t take it anymore,” he said, looking frustrated. Ouch, way to rub it in, Mr. Professional Dancer.

     My brain finally caught up with everything and I registered what he’d said when he first walked in. I ran through the step in my mind and it… kind of made sense? Forgetting him for a moment, I went over the step again, remembering to turn my foot like he’d pointed out. It was still clumsy, but much better than before. I could work on this!

     Turning to him, I gave him a million-watt smile for helping me out. He blinked, looking taken aback. “Thanks!” His cheeks reddened slightly.

     “You’re welcome, I suppose,” he said haughtily, turning to leave. He only walked a couple of steps before spinning back around, “But what are you doing here? Did they move you here? And this room is usually used by idols, not trainees. Did noone tell you?”

     I quickly explained everything - the showcase, the daily practice and Mi Ran’s idea. He nodded slowly to show he understood and made his way to the mirror, sitting on the floor leaning against it. “Let’s see it then.”

     “See what?” I asked, confused.

     “What do you think? The routine, of course. God knows how many mistakes you must be making there if you got even a step as simple as the one before wrong.”

     “Why do I have to show you anything? I’m not even a trainee here yet” I said, gritting my teeth to stop myself from lashing out at him.

     “Exactly, you’re not even a trainee here. Are you sure you want to go against the words of a Sunbae? Especially when you’re not even supposed to be here in the first place. Mi Ran would get in so much trouble if someone found out...”

     What is with their group? Are they feeding you something to make you all arrogant, manipulative bastards? I think to myself, the feelings of gratefulness from earlier fading fast. Does he have mood swings or something? No, wait, maybe they’re really aliens in disguise! Hiding in plain sight, makes perfect sense! Or not.

     I turn the music on with a short grunt of frustration. The sooner I give him what he wants, the sooner he’ll leave me alone. And to be honest, it’s only better for me if he wants to give me feedback on what I can improve. Though he has an infuriating way of going about it.

     After I run through the routine twice, he looks impressed and nods to himself thoughtfully. He throws me my water bottle that’s next to him. I catch it and take a swig gratefully.

     “So?” I ask when no comments are forthcoming.

     “You did quite well.”

     “That’s it?” I ask disbelievingly, “Where’s the criticism?”

     “Well, since you asked so nicely... You could improve in a couple of places. Like for this step, you are pulling your hand in too quick, if you leave it there for another beat and pull it in sharply, it’ll look better.” He quickly shows me what he means and I have to agree. He shows me a couple of other things and I remember Jun mentioning one of them before too. I kind of forgot that one among all the other pointers she gave me. Oops.

     I quickly try out the changes he showed me and do the routine a couple more times. He nods in approval once I’m done. Though I’m not sure why he’s helping me out like this, I’m beyond grateful that he’s taking the time to actually show me what I’m doing wrong. Maybe he isn’t that bad after all.

     “Okay, now that you’re not going to bring down SM’s level at the showcase, I have to get going. I’m a very busy idol, you know?” He says, tongue in cheek, and I’m almost certain he’s joking. But he has his poker face on and I can’t quite tell…

     “And you should get going too. It’s very late now. You can practice some more tomorrow. There’s still some time before the showcase” he says, pausing with his hand on the doorknob. I bow politely. “Thank you for your help.”

     He nods and heads out the door. I’m just getting my stuff together when I hear voices outside the door.

     “What are you still doing here, Sehun? Didn’t you say you were leaving earlier?”

     “Ah, yes, I was just looking for Jongin. Have you seen him? He isn’t in there.”

     “I think he went home early today. Kyungsoo dragged him back with him. Is someone in there? I thought I heard you talking to someone in there…”

     “I was on the phone with Suho Hyung. Are you going to the dorm now? Give me a ride!” He says the last bit in a cutesy voice, making me choke on my saliva. Omigod, this is priceless. Is Ice Prince Sehun doing aegyo right now? If I wasn’t panicking at almost being discovered (again), I would be cracking up by now.

     The voices move farther away and I quickly grab my stuff and sneak out before I’m caught again. Luckily, it’s late enough that I don’t run into anyone on the way back and am home in no time. I shower quickly since I know I won’t be waking up until the absolute last minute in the morning, and fall asleep right away after.

A/N: So… it’s been a while. Thanks for sticking around for so long with no news or updates. I’m not going to make excuses for the long absence. Actually, I totally am, but I want to stay in denial just a little longer. Sorry, not sorry? But I know not everyone cares what's been going on so I made it a seperate chapter so you can skip it if you wish. Though there isn't really anything to skip to at the moment, lol. I do plan to update a Sehun POV chapter some time soon (soon according to me) so... Yay?

P.S. Did I mention that there's a rather nice (in my opinion) reward at the end of the explanation in the next chapter? No? Well, there is. A little something that I wrote after I got ...sidetracked. Ahem.