Genre: romance, action, angst.
Characters: Kim Taehyung, Jeon Jungkook.
Type: [M], [TW].
Reviewer: Yura.
Chapters reviewed: two-shot (approx. 20000 words).
Requested on: Jan 31, 2018.
Request completed on: Feb 4, 2018.

picked up and credited

title (5/5)

The choice of word for the title is exhilarating, similar to the premise of the story itself. I think it is a good title and wraps up the core of the plot. I start to imagine a world where they live doing illegal things. The streets lights imitate the presence of stars in the sky. Maybe I am a simple-minded person but I love one-word titled story. It leaves the readers to their imagination. It does not restrict the readers and allows them to immerse themselves in the story.

DESCRIPTION/ FOREWORD (1.5/2)

To be exactly honest with you, I do not see where the description is leading to. It is short and leaves readers wanting to know more. There is nothing wrong here. However, it is worded weirdly. Taehyung was a street racer and he met a rookie who walked into his life. He was left defenseless. The choices of words seemed to make Jungkook be a bad news. What are the relation of the word 'illegal' and their relationship? How was their love illegal? There is a discrepancy between the description and the actual story.

The story is sweet and they did not care about the world. They did not see each other as unreachable. They loved each other deeply and nothing will stop them. Their story did not depict that what they have been doing was illegal. You need to show that and let the description relate to the story.

I love the foreword. I could imagine Taehyung staring into the air. He would inhale the smoke and breathed them out. However, it will not get readers' attention. How is this going to pull readers in? It does not depict any sort of continuity. In short, the foreword does not give any sense of something happening after that. It is a sweet scene but it is not going to do the trick.

PRESENTATION (2/2)

The presentation is consistent. I do not see anything that would bother a reader. However, I do think that it will be good if you add a divider for every transition. That would be easier for readers to go through each scene.

CHARACTERIZATION (20/30)

I would like to divide this section into three: Taehyung, Jungkook and the supporting characters. First, I would like to address my issue with the supporting characters. I understand that the characters are there to support the main ones and the plot. Nevertheless, you have to remember that you are writing a oneshot. It is not impossible to incorporate lots of characters in a oneshot but you need to do it right.

The presence of Jungkook's siblings shows that he was having a lot of troubles. He was short of cash and needed to take care of the younger ones. His parents left them to fend for themselves. With this, you have settled his background story. However, you kept going deeper. The readers have to remember lots of names. The important ones that I see are Jieun, Jihye and the twins. But, their appearance is less than a paragraph or two. If you want to include them in the story, a chaptered story is a wiser choice. For a oneshot, would it not be better to simplify his situation? Examples:

1. Jungkook felt his phone vibrating in the back pocket of his pants. He pulled it out and immediately answered the call. "Hello?"

Taehyung eyed the younger and was shocked when Jungkook just rushed out of the bar. Was that an important call? He thought as he rushed out as well. "Hey, wait! Where are you going?"

"I'm sorry. My sister... She has gone missing," Jungkook said, panic clear in his voice.

2. Jungkook walked into the living room and smiled. He quickly spotted Jimin in the kitchen and greeted his friend. "Where are the others?" He asked.

"Oh, taking a nap. Jieun is taking care of them. Jihye is outside," Jimin answered, stirring the pot of stew.

"She has five younger siblings but she could not stay in the house for even a minute. When will she help her sister and brother, huh?" Jungkook said, sighing.

Next, I would like to talk about their friends. They are worried about their friends. That I understand. But they became matchmakers, supporters and family as well? Particularly, Namjoon. He changed his view so quickly. Firstly, he was making Taehyung go on a blind date for . Then, in the car, he was retracting back his words. He was asking Taehyung not to see Jungkook as a partner. The rush is evident here so it would be wise to slow down a bit.

Friends are there for each other, yet there is a limit at a certain point. I understand your view of the story. They were friends for life. They worked together. Despite that, they are too involved in Taehyung's and Jungkook's lives. They could slowly help these two get together but like I have told you, it is too fast. Maybe, you could have Taehyung and Jungkook start getting to know each other a little bit more. Let them dance with their own words. Give them space to introduce themselves. Then, their friends started realizing that they have been spending time together. They decided to make Taehyung and Jungkook realized their chemistry. Slowly and properly. No one is rushing you. The characters are interesting. Take it slow. Develop the characters together with the plot.

Now, let us talk about Taehyung and Jungkook. They are both broken and bruised. They have their own struggles. Taehyung not having a pillar to lend to. He lost so much in such a short amount of time. That had to be triggering. Jungkook was all about survival. He needed to work to feed his siblings. But, you were not able to make them interesting.

Everything about them was laid out in one go. As a reader, I would not be able to see what you are trying to tell. In my interpretation, Taehyung and Jungkook, they are imperfectly perfect for each other. Taehyung had something that Jungkook didn't and vice versa. In that way, they fell in love. They buried the holes in their heart with each other's presence. That is not shown properly in the story. You can show it but from one perspective at a time. Start with Taehyung and how he felt when met Jungkook. But do it discreetly. Let the message be invisible yet ingrained into the words.

Also, one tiny detail I would like to point out. Jungkook was supposed to be a hot-headed guy yet he was not hot-headed when Hoseok dissed him? If he had started to change, you need to show that too.

PLOT (23/30)

The plot is bittersweet. It shows how hard youth is going through these days. They got so many problems and less time to see what was around them. They did not try to see the greatness in everything around them. They hid in their shadows. Yet, when they are able to find the catalyst to the reaction, they were able to see. I understand the plot and what you are trying to tell the readers. In spite of that, it is not properly shown in your writing. I hope you can improvise it and gives justice to the plot.

The word 'illegal' does not have a lot of correlation to the plot. It stands with the street racing but not with the rest of the plot. The setting is nice and blends well with the word but I need clarification.

FLOW/ PACE (4/10)

As I have mentioned before, the part that fails to bring this story to the surface is the flow. The flow of the story was too rushed. You are not able to portray your story well because of the flow. I suggest cutting away certain scenes and put them away in a new chapter. Make the story chaptered. But, this depends on you. If you still want to go with a oneshot, then you need to improvise a lot of things.

WRITING STYLE (5/10)

I love your writing style. It is so descriptive and I enjoy description. It lets me see the world in their eyes. However, I want to point out something. When you were describing, your sentences became wordy. There are too many words placed in one sentence. This is a problem that most writers have. A sentence is wordy if you are out of breath after reading it. That takes away the joy of reading for me. It makes it hard to imagine.

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING (8/10)

I do not see any incorrect spellings or major grammar error. The words of choice are very good too. But as I have mentioned before, a lot of sentences are wordy.

SPECIAL (0.5/1)

I tried to enjoy the story. I understand the message but it does not leave me feeling contempt. With improvisation, I am sure this story would be a good read.

total: 69/100

★reviewer's notes:

As I have mentioned before, the story premise is good. It just needs a few improvisation. Hopefully, you will do well on the writing contest and I wish you all the best.