fourteen
her answer

“D-do you… do you really have an answer?” I ask, scared this might be a drill and she’ll just smile and say that she isn’t sure yet.

Is it normal for a heart to beat this fast? I feel it in my throat, a roar in my ears. I think I’ll die here before I hear her reply.

“Oh,” she mumbles and I swear I don’t know how I’m still alive, I feel like everything in me is screaming and I’ll pass out. 

This is too stressful for me!

“And you’re giving me that answer now?” My voice is nothing but a shaky whisper, my hands are trembling and I might drop my phone.

Eun Bi looks down, taking deep breaths and I just watch her, incapable of even blinking for too long, afraid she’ll disappear and this will be a dream or something cruel like that.

“Since the moment I met you,” she begins, slowly and not looking up to meet my eyes. “You made an impact in my life. I mean, you scared me so much and I didn’t even know you.” Eun Bi laughs at the memory of that greeting when I was hanging outside her hospital window. “I always felt at ease with you because even when I didn’t know myself, you were the only one who didn’t tiptoe around me.” She smiles and looks up now. “I felt free next to you because I didn’t feel the pressure to be Go Eun Byul, someone I did not know. I could be who I felt I was.”

I don’t dare to interrupt her, allowing her to explain her feelings and how she came to her decision, trying not to assume anything until she finishes, I just hold my breath.

“Then you became my pillar when no one else knew who I was and my situation. You stood up for me and protected me. You were the strength I needed to face my demons and for that I’ll be eternally grateful.”

I gulp again because that sounds just like she’s only grateful to me.

“It’s true I liked Yi An and when I try to think why I guess it’s because I felt unconditionally loved by him, even if I knew he didn’t love me but my sister. I allowed myself be tricked by that, because for so long I felt lonely. At the same time he was a part of my family, a childhood friend, even if he wasn’t mine. I can’t deny he’s a good friend too, a great guy and he’s important to me, too.” Eun Bi looks down again, taking another deep breath. “But I guess between us our feelings have always been blurry, with eonni between us and no matter what we do, it’ll never be crystal clear.”

I wait because I still can’t conclude her decision from what she’s said so far.

“During this time I tried to compare how I feel about you and how I feel about him and I came to a