After endlessly scrolling through his phone for hours, opening and closing the same applications over and over again, Seungri now found himself flipping through the channels on the television, hoping that he's lucky enough to find a program that would catch his interest and save him from the overwhelming feeling of boredom. After Jiyong had forbid him from going out and drinking with random women, surprisingly, he had managed to spent days without doing so. Like a loyal and obedient dog, he stayed at his house as much as he could just to keep his promise to his master.

But as the time passes, the feeling of anxiety, and at the same time anticipation, are slowly consuming his whole system, drowning him. He felt like dying from waiting too much. Surely, after years of suffering from his unrequited love, he had expected himself to be patient for whatever the outcome will be. Just a few weeks isn't so bad compared to all those years, he thought. But he had never been so wrong in his whole life. Oh, how he wanted to rush out to Jiyong's apartment, knock on his door, and demand an answer. All the waiting is just too much for him. 

Seungri leaned his head back on the couch, resting it as he stares at the ceiling, once again submerging deep within his thought. Like what he does every night, he thinks about Jiyong. What's he doing right now, he thought. Is he just as anxious and distressed as I am? Is he thinking about what I said to him? So many thoughts are going on inside his head, to the point of not being able to control it anymore. Any moment now, he'll breakdown and go crazy from all the stress the unconventional feelings are causing him.

His stomach felt like it's being tied to a knot, completely making him nauseous. All the different kinds of emotions he felt these past few days drove him to a pit end, filled with nothing but darkness and desperation. The feeling of wanting an answer so badly is making him like a hyena starving for a meat. He wanted to hear from Jiyong so badly. He wanted to end the endless maze of immense emotions. But as much as he wanted to hear his response, the overwhelming feeling of fear of rejection is also consuming him. What will he do if he ever rejected him? What will happen if Jiyong were to say the words he never wanted to hear?

Like how Jiyong had demanded and how he had promised, he didn't consume any alcohol. But then again, all such feelings were too much for him. He never was type who's mentally and emotionally strong. He couldn't handle the stress.

Jiyong forbid him to drink, but he didn't say anything about any taking pills. 

 

 

---

 

 

"So, what do you think?" 

YG company's top producer, Teddy, asked as he sat comfortably on his chair, playing with a pen on his hand.

"Huh? What?" cluelessly asked Jiyong, who had been staring mindlessly from afar for the past few minutes. "What's that?"

Teddy furrows his eyebrows. "You okay, man? You seem so out of it. Were you even listening?" he asked, throwing in a forced smile. 

Jiyong shakes his head slightly, as if bringing himself back to reality. He clears his throat. "Uh, what were you saying? I'm sorry, I was thinking of something." 

The producer chuckles. "Are you okay? You look so distracted."

"No, I'm okay. This is nothing," insisted Jiyong. "Can you repeat what you said?"

"Alright," he nodded, convinced. "I was saying that you should inform the rest of the guys since we'll be recording as soon as possible. Every preparation's complete. We just need to record and add the finishing touches to it."

"Uh, of course." Jiyong nods in agreement. "I'll get to you as soon as we're ready."

"Okay then." Teddy stands up, reaching out his hand. "It's nice doing business with you," he said, winking at him.

Jiyong chuckles. "It's nice doing business with you, too. As always." He grabs Teddy's hand and shakes it. "Well, I better get going now. I'll see you."

"Sure thing, man. Get yourself together, aight? Don't keep dozing off!" he jokingly said as Jiyong exits through the door.

Jiyong chuckles. "Whatever," he added before closing the door.

As soon as Jiyong exits outside, he lets out a deep sigh. Teddy was right---he really was out of it. He was too tired, too stressed-out. After so many days of thinking about what Seungri said, he got mentally tired. He couldn't just give an answer without seriously thinking about it first. It's a long, painful, one-sided love for Seungri. It's not just a little thing to ignore. He needed to sort out his true feelings for him, whether it's just friendship, or that of a romantic feeling.

The way Seungri sees him, and his own ual preference, Jiyong had never once thought about it. He doesn't know when Seungri started having feelings for him, nor when did he preferred him, a male. He was confused at first. Didn't Seungri play with so many women all his life? Didn't he chase so many skirts? Why suddenly having feelings for a man? But as he carefully thinks about it, he came to a conclusion; all those time he had spent fooling with girls was just to forget about him. How miserable that must have been, Jiyong thought. 

Although Jiyong haven't recalled even once in his life that he had liked a person of the same gender, he thought that anything's possible when it comes to love. He had long opened his eyes about everything. He wasn't a narrow-minded person, and accepted any possibilities there is out there. That's why he's so successful with his career. Seungri wasn't an exemption, of course. Love is such a tricky thing, he knows that. People never really know what their true feelings are until they carefully understand themselves.

All those memories they have with each other, all suddenly resurfaced in his mind. The times they spent together---laughter, sorrow, hardships. They went through so much together, and he haven't realized it yet 'til now. He found deeper meaning in their relationship. Seungri just wasn't a close friend to him, he means so much more than that. More than a bandmate, more than a best friend, and more than a brother. Putting it into words just wasn't enough to describe how important he is to him.

 

 

 

---

 

 

Seungri scrolled through his phone, opening and closing the same applications over and over again. It was still so early in the morning, and the sun hasn't even come up yet, yet there he was, alone in the studio, waiting for the others to come. He wasn't really the type to be the early bird, arriving before the others, yet, there he found himself, unusually early, anxious for having the thought of finally seeing Jiyong after a painfully long time.

Cold sweat are breaking through his skin as he watched the time on his phone, just minutes away from striking six o'clock, the time that they had decided to meet. He could feel his heart, pounding his chest like a massive wrecking ball, ready to break out of him any minute. He tapped his feet aggressively on the floor, venting out his nervousness at the thought of Jiyong would arrive any time.

Suddenly, a slight squeak from the door hinge opening, echoed throughout the whole quiet studio room. Seungri felt like his heart jumped out of his chest. His already-pale skin turned even more pale. But although reluctant, Seungri gathered the courage to take away his eyes from his phone and look at the person who just arrived.

Seungri felt like his lungs suddenly stretched out, allowing him to breathe freely. There he saw, Yongbae and Daesung, walking in through the door.

"Woah! You're early!" Daesung said, eyes wide.

"This is the first time you came before us. Is the world ending?" Yongbae said as he lies down on the sofa.

Seungri, who just survived a possible heart attack, smiled awkwardly. "Y-Yeah.."

Desung squints his already-tiny eyes, almost as if he can't see anything anymore. "Are you okay? You look so pale."

Yongbae chuckles. "Your dark circles got worse. Did you even sleep? You're too excited for this, huh?"

"Uh.. Yeah," Seungri replied, still uneasy but glad he didn't have to come up with a reason for his complexion.

There a squeaking sound again, signaling the door had been once again opened. Seungri's stomach turned. Did Jiyong arrive? He thought to his nervous self. As he gathers his courage to once again look at the doorway, he takes in a deep breath. Slowly, Seungri turns to look at the doorway. There Seunghyun was, yawning as he enters the room with a cup of coffee on his hand.

Seungri quietly lets out a sigh of relief.

"Morning, Hyung," Daesung greeted with a bright tone.

Seunghyun merely nodded, not even smiling. Getting up so early in the morning has always been a bother to him. 

"Not even a 'good morning' for us?" Yongbae said, smiling in an annoying way.

"Morning," said Seunghyun with a deadpan expression on his face. 

Though Seungri felt relieved Jiyong still wasn't there, there's a part of him that felt even more perturbed by that fact. Why hasn't he arrived yet? Is he late on purpose? He thought. All the suspense and tension just grew inside of him everytime the door opens. He even felt more dismayed than he was earlier. 

Seungri gets back on his phone, aimlessly scrolling through it just for the heck of diverting his attention away from his anxiousness. And like he heard the most nerve-wracking thing in the world, Seungri stopped breathing for a moment. There goes the squeak of the door hinge once more. This time, it's much much petrifying since there's only one person left to arrive.

Seungri froze. There Jiyong was, entering through the door with an obvious eyebags underneath his eyes, looking dead-tired.

Yongbae's eyebrow rised. "What the hell? You look like you haven't slept in ages. What's with you and Seungri? Did you stayed up all night filing each other's nails?" he said, laughing.

Seungri's too caught-up by Jiyong's presence that he didn't notice the bags under his eyes until Yonbae pointed it out. He didn't want to assume too much, but part of him knows that it might be caused by him. For that, he's a little glad. The fact that he affected him even in just a little way made him feel pleased. But he knows he can't be too happy. He didn't get a response yet, and rejection is always huge chance.

"Ah, really?" Jiyong pokes his eyebags, clueless it was there.

"Yeah, it's massive," Yongbae asnwers.

"Well, I've been thinking about stuffs these past few days," Jiyong said as he glances at Seungri.

Seungri jolted. It felt like his heart stopped beating for a moment. His guess really was right after all. Jiyong did spend time stressing over it. He felt guilt, anticipation and fear, all at the same time. 

Jiyong clears his throat. "Let's get started," he said as he claps his hand, alerting the members to get ready. "We have a lot of work to do. We'll discuss first, then we'll go straight for the demo recording, okay?"

Seungri gulps. It'll be a painfully long day for him.

 

 

---

 

 

A relaxing, melodious voice danced through Seungri's ears as he drifted away in the air, floating in the seemingly empty, white, un-ending place. There, he felt calm and happy, away from all the distress and pain he had been feeling for a long time. He felt young and healthy. All those worries and fears he's been keeping inside had been gone. 

As Seungri joyously looks from afar, a silhouette of a man suddenly appears. He squints his eyes, looking carefully at it. As it gets closer to him, the more the vagueness disappears. It was Jiyong, walking towards with a cold look in his eyes, piercing right through him. Seungri's body felt heavy. Slowly, he loses his lightness and falls to the ground.

Jiyong stood there, doing nothing but stare at him as blood pooled around his head, bleeding out to death. Tears began to fall from Seungri's eyes. He reached out his hand for him to take, but as he slowly loses his consciousness, the poignant view of Jiyong, doing nothing, was more painful than the hole on his skull. 

As he withered away like a leaf, his consciousness leaves him.

 

---------------------------

 

"Hey, Seungri," a thin, familiar voice echoed throughout the dark place.

Seungri wandered around aimlessly, looking to where the voice is coming from. He couldn't see a single thing from the lightless place.

"Hey, wake up."

Seungri felt a light shake on his shoulder. Suddenly, the dark went away as everything lights up. He found himself waking up from the view of Jiyong, staring down at him as he lies on the couch.

His eyes widens. He immediately scurries to get up. 

"Um, are you okay?" Jiyong asked as he stares at him with worry hinting in his eyes. 

Seungri manages to contain his shock, and immediately answers. "Uh, sorry.. Didn't realize I fell asleep."

Jiyong nods and smiles warmly. "It's okay. You look like you had quite a bad dream. There are wrinkles all over," he said, pointing out to his forehead and the bridge between the eyebrows.

"Oh," the word Seungri could only manage to say. Usually, Jiyong would scold him for dozing off when they're working, but this time, he was unusually nice to him. It made Seungri uncomfortable and uneasy. He smiles awkwardly and looks down on the ground, not knowing how to act in front of him.

Jiyong wasn't so slow not to notice and quickly saves the conversation. "We were just discussing about the first song we'll release. I was gonna play the demo so I woke you up."

"Ah, I see. Sorry about that," he answered as he finally looks into his eyes but quickly removes it again.

"Quick, play it, Ji," Yongbae said, coming out from nowhere. "I want to hear the demo already."

Without wasting any time, Jiyong sits in front of the computer and plays the song. Everyone's attention got caught as a soulful voice sang in the intro. It was a woman's lovely voice, as Jiyong recruited a trainee to sing for their demo. Seungri listened in awe. Even after so many years, he's still amazed by his ability to write such beautiful music. 

 

"Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
Just a loser
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a"

 

After the end of the intro, suddenly, Jiyong stops the music. 

Yongbae glances at him. "What's wrong?"

Jiyong looks back to them, sitting on the chair with his head back, resting, and his hands clasping each other. "So, what do you think of the intro?"

"It's good, but can you continue playing it?" Yongbae demanded.

Jiyong stared at him, eyebrows furrowed---annoyed. "Could you not? You and Seunghyun-hyung already heard this. Why are you rushing?"

"Well, sure, we've composed and written this together, but I still haven't heard the demo."

Jiyong lets out a sigh. "Could you just, not rush? I'll play the whole part later. We still have matters to discuss before that."

Yongbae places the back of his hands in front of his chest, admitting defeat. "Alright."

Jiyong rolls his eyes. Without further ado, he faces the members and continues to speak. "So. The intro."

"It's really good, Hyung," said Daesung as he rubs his chin.

"It came out great," Seunghyun said while sitting comfortably on the sofa beside Daesung, legs crossed.

Jiyong nods in satisfaction. He then glances at Seungri, who still haven't said his reaction. "How about you?"

Seungri sits up, a bit tensed-up. "It's really good. Like, seriously," he said, seemingly like trying too hard to give out an approving response.

"Don't you think it suits Seungri's voice the most?" Yongbae butts in to the conversation.

Seungri widened his eyes, as if doubtful and clueless. "Me?" he asked while pointing his index finger to himself.

"Yeah, it does, now that you mentioned it," Daesung said, completely convinced.

Seunghyun nods in agreement. "You should sing that part."

A smile wanted to break out of Seungri's lips, but he tried his best to keep it in. He felt extremely happy from hearing the member's suggestion of him singing that many lines in a song. For many years of their career, he always had a small part in every song. He felt as if he's needed and special for the first time. He couldn't help but feel delighted. 

Jiyong smiles. "Yeah, I think so too. His voice is the only one who'll suit this part."

Seungri felt like he could die any moment from extreme joy. Hearing it especially from Jiyong, he felt like he could bounce on the clouds.

"You'll sing this part, okay?" Jiyong said, smiling.

Of course, without hesitation, Seungri agrees to it.

 

 

---

 

 

After fifteen hours straight of working on their new song, Jiyong finally decides to wrap it all up. Each and everyone of them were tired and starving after recording the song over and over again. As their perfectionist leader demanded, they repeated to sing it until they have met the right taste he's aiming for. Fans have waited for them way too long, so it's only fair to give it all their best. 

Though each member felt like their throat were sore from using their voices too much, Seungri has it easy. Even just a slight bit, he's not feeling tired at all. He did especially great earlier. Thanks to the thought that Jiyong had said to him that his part only suited him, he went all out and never made a single mistake on the process. 

Seungri felt good. Although the anxiousness he gets from facing Jiyong didn't went away, he managed to set it aside for a moment and work hard on his part. 

"Who wants to go for barbeque?" Yongbe suggested, raising his hands in the air, stretching.

"Me!" Daesung shouted as he gets up right away. "Let's go!"

Yongbae smacks his hands together. "Alright. It's settled then! Everyone wants to go for barbeque!"

"What do you mean everyone? It's only the two of you." Seunghyun gets up and fixes his collar. "I'm in the mood for sushi."

"Jiyong, Seungri, barbeque or sushi?" Yongbae asked, determined to go for barbeque no matter what.

"Uhh.." Seungri thinks for a few seconds. "Barbeque."

A smug smile formed on Yongbae's face. He glances at Seunghyun, trying to rub it in. "Majority wins, bro."

Seunghyun went unaffected and glances at Jiyong. "Even so, he's the leader. He's the one who's gonna decide."

Jiyong chuckles. In disbelief of how childish they were. "Me? Well, if I'm gonna decide, I'd go for what everyone will like. So.. barbeque."

Feeling betrayed, Seunghyun silently picks his things up and heads for the door without saying a word.

Yongbae bursts out laughing. "Hey! Where are you going?"

"I'm gonna eat sushi by myself," he said, not looking back.

Yongbae continued to laugh. "Hey, wait for us!" he shouted, following him outside.

Things like this were so common, Daesung was so done with them. He quietly followed them outside, shaking his head in disbelief, leaving Seungri and Jiyong alone in the studio room with a painfully awkward atmosphere. Upon realizing it, Seungri's heart started to pound crazily. Sweat started to accumulate on his scalp as he tries to swallow in an unexistent blockage on his throat, preventing him from breathing freely. For years of performing in front of many people, not once he had felt this nervous before. 

The deafening silence that filled out the whole room made both their ears hurt. They carefully waited out on each other and observed each other's movements. 

Seungri stands up from his seat. "L-Let's go," he said heading towards the door, acting like he's escaping for his life.

"Wait," Jiyong said in a serious tone.

Seungri stops walking. He felt like his heart jump right out of his chest. 

"Don't go yet. We have something to talk about, right?" 

Before turning around to face him, Seungri closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath. "..Right.." 

Seungri couldn't look directly at him, but he could still see him from edge of his eyes. There he was, leaning both his hands back from he computer table as he stares at him with an awfully serious expression on his face. 

"Seungri. I've seriously and carefully thought about what you said for the past few days.. and.. I've come to a conclusion."

Seungri couldn't breathe at all. His knees started to go weak, and his lips started to tremble. He stared at the floor as he prepares himself to hear the words that could either pay off all those years he had suffer from his unrequited love, or the words that could mean the death of him.

Jiyong takes in a deep breath. "I can't accept your feelings."