CHAPTER FIVE

Hyukjae woke up at 5 AM in a Monday morning feeling heavy. It’s like for the first time in his senior year, he doesn’t want to go to school. He doesn’t want to study. He wants to call in sick, even if he isn’t. He just wants to lie down on his bed all day, like what he has done the past weekend. Not minding anything and everything, even his books. Not bothering to take a bath. (Though he forced himself once in those two days) Just laze around his bed, eating whatever unhealthy food he can get from the fridge.

And of course, it’s about the Siwon and Donghae thing, again, and again.

Hyukjae’s mind is still confused with Donghae’s actions and words. Donghae would be super nice to him and pretend all lovey dovey and all that the first minute and then talk about Siwon the next minute. And it makes Hyukjae feel weird about himself thinking that those lovey dovey stuff actually means something to Donghae.

He and Donghae, they will always go out for lunch together before. What makes it any different? Maybe it was the fact that to get from their school to KNU was a 2-hour commute and that Donghae doesn’t have a car and then Donghae suddenly saying that he skipped lunch so they could eat together and then held Hyuk’s hand while walking towards the food chain they ate in.

And after those sweet, couple-y actions, Donghae blurted out how Siwon stayed with him the rest of the day while Hyukjae was gone and that Siwon was so sweet when he opened the door of his car for him and that Siwon treated him out for cheesecakes and that Siwon still knew his favorite dessert and that Siwon, Siwon, Siwon, Siwon. Hyukjae could swear Donghae’s eyeballs changed from circle to a heart-shaped one.

He hates Donghae for doing such things to confuse him. He hates that he hates Donghae for doing such things to confuse him. Why does it even confuse Hyukjae? Why does it even bother Hyukjae? He knows it’s just plain acting. And he knows Siwon would always be number one, not just for Donghae but for everyone. He’s not even close to number two. He’s embarrassed with himself thinking that Donghae might possibly like him. (He blames Heechul for brainwashing him.)

His alarm clocked beeped. 5:10 AM. He groans his way out of his bed, yawning at the same time. He needs to get ready for school.

+++

Hyukjae arrived at school 15 minutes before the first warning bell, dressed like usual. A statement shirt, pants and shoes. He doesn’t feel like dressing up nicely. (Plus he just doesn’t want to remember the moments he and the clothes had with Donghae during their shopping times.)

He went to his locker to fix his stuff as fast as he can. He doesn’t want to encounter anything or anyone. He just wants to finish the first four subjects of the day without pretending that he’s okay.

He put his algebra and trigonometry books inside of his backpack and closed it, since those two are his first two subjects of the day. He closed his locker and sighed in front of it, preparing himself for today and the days ahead. He sets his mind that he can get through it and smiled with his gums showing. He turned around from his locker, confident as ever, only losing his confidence the second after.

Here Donghae is, again, surprising him from behind like he did last Thursday. Donghae threw a hug at him and squealed a bit. Hyukjae got flustered. He just stood there, letting Donghae do all the hugging. His eyes try to wander long, trying to clear his thoughts from anything weird, only seeing Kyuhyun, Sungmin and Siwon right behind Donghae, in front of his face. He mentally sighed and returned Donghae’s hug, forced, though it honestly felt good for him. And as he eyed the three again, he saw satisfied looks from them; at least, he thinks they’re satisfied.

Donghae let go of the hug and looked at Hyukjae, “Congratulations!” he hugged Hyuk again.

Hyukjae’s eyes squinted. “Congratulations?” he thought. He did not know what it was about. He tried looking at Kyuhyun for clues but the younger just shook his head.

“Wait, what is this about?” Hyukjae asked, slowly getting out of Donghae’s arms.

Sungmin looked at him weirdly and chuckled, “You’re joking, right?”

Hyukjae shook his head slowly, still not understanding the situation. The three went closer to them and Donghae silently made his way between Siwon and him. Siwon put an arm around Donghae’s shoulders and Donghae held the hand of the arm around him.

Hyukjae saw the action and eyed the two hands entwined. He felt a slight pang in his chest but decided to brush it off immediately. He looked at Kyuhyun to avoid any contact from the two, “Can you please just tell me what’s going on?”

Kyuhyun laughed, grabbed his phone and swiped it a few times before showing it to Hyukjae, “Here you go master.”

Hyukjae looked carefully at what his friends wanted to show him. It was a picture of the result of the mock exam last Friday. His name was at number 4, meaning he was the fourth among everyone who took the exam with him. His grade was 94%.

It completely passed his thoughts that the results would be posted 2 days after the examination day. It must have been posted this morning and he completely forgot about it. (No thanks to Donghae.) If he was still sane, the old non-weird Hyukjae, he would’ve been checking KNU’s website every minute, refreshing to see whether they had it posted up or not, like what he did the last time he took the mock exam.

Kyuhyun took his phone away from Hyukjae, “I took a screenshot of it so I could upload it later at Instagram and brag about my smart friend,” he joked and kept his phone.

Hyukjae kept a blank face the entire time, his mind flying off to different thoughts about how simply Siwon put his arm around Donghae like the boyfriend, or the fake boyfriend, wasn’t there and how Donghae gladly accepted it. He imagined himself grabbing Siwon’s arm and pushing it away, like a normal boyfriend would do.

Sungmin looked weirdly at Hyukjae’s expression, “What, no reaction?” he said.

Hyukjae mentally slapped himself and went back to reality. He awkwardly laughed, “What am I supposed to say?”

Donghae rolled his eyes, “At least be excited about it, jeez. You were 6% away from reaching your goal,” he said, still holding Siwon’s hand.

Hyukjae didn’t answer what Donghae said. He was still awkward with the whole hand holding thing. Sungmin and Kyuhyun noticed Hyuk’s different attitude today and worried about their friend. Donghae and Siwon, on the other hand, are still oblivious.

Donghae went near Hyukjae and shook his figure, “Come on! Cheer up, Hyukkie! You did 5% better than your last score!” he exclaimed.

Hyukjae got irritated when he heard Donghae say the made-up nickname and pushed him a bit, enough for Hae to stumble a bit. They looked at him with shocked looks.

“Yay, I got 94%.” he lazily said, mocking them for their cheeriness, “Happy now?”

Hyukjae took a quick look at their faces. Donghae looked hurt. Siwon, Kyuhyun and Sungmin all still looked surprised. He realized what he had just done, felt ashamed of what just happened and looked down, “I have to go,” Hyuk said and quickly made his way to his classroom. He took his usual seat and plopped his backpack at his side. He ruffled his hair and thought, “What’s happening to me?”

+++

Hyukjae didn’t notice that it was already lunch. He drowned himself in books and quizzes the first four periods, wanting to forget about what he did a while ago. He hated being played and that was exactly what he felt a while ago. But it wasn’t Donghae who was playing with him; it was his heart and brain.

“Stupid body, why do you have to have two superiors? One superior is already hard to deal with, and you made it twice as hard,” he thought, remembering what Heechul had said.

He wanted to skip lunch again, just to avoid the awkwardness. He wanted to be this scared mouse that runs away when something comes near him, so he won’t be trapped. He doesn’t want to be caught up in a mess that he himself made. Running away from it is his only solution. But if he keeps running away, he’ll be running away forever. He’ll lose everything that matters to him. He won’t be able to handle that.

Hyukjae sighs as he walked towards the school cafeteria, trying to be tough and face everyone. Everyone. His eyes instantly found Donghae’s back together with another person. It was Siwon, of course. Donghae was leaning in and Siwon had his arm around Hae’s shoulder.

“How romantic,” Hyukjae sarcastically thought and went to the other side of the cafeteria, finding an empty table and sitting there, alone. He had lost his appetite to eat and lost his will to do anything else for the day. He put his crossed arms on the table and let his head rest on top of them, relaxing himself and relieving him from all worries for a moment.

He heard cracks from the seats getting pulled out next to him and felt the vibration of his table. He sighed a bit, knowing there are people around him. He decided to let it go and stay at his position. He’s too tired for arguments, anyway.

“Hyukjae,” someone said. Hyuk instantly knew who it was.

Hyukjae sighed, “What do you two want this time?” he asked, not looking up nor changing his position. Beside him was the duo, Kyuhyun and Sungmin.

Kyuhyun sighed, “We just want to talk with you, hyung.”

“I don’t want to talk,” Hyukjae simply said.

“Well, you can’t stay like that forever, can you?” Sungmin sassed.

Hyukjae lifted his head, “Yes, I can. Or better yet, just kill me right now. Grab you pens or your pencils and start stabbing,” he said with a serious tone, scaring both people beside him.

“Hyung! You can’t joke about things like that!” Kyuhyun exclaimed.

Hyuk smirked, “Who said I was joking?” he laughed, “My life is a wreck now.”

Sungmin smiled a bit, “Just because you’re jealous doesn’t mean your life is a wreck, Hyuk. Those things happen.”

Hyukjae shot up and looked at Sungmin, “Come again? Me? Jealous?” he smirked, “I am not jealous.”

Kyuhyun smirked, too, “Oh? Then why is your life a wreck?” he tested his friend.

Hyukjae looked up and thought of an excuse, “There are many factors of my life being a wreck, Kyuhyun. And most of them are personal. So, if you would mind, I would not like to share it with you,” he said.

Kyuhyun put his arms up, surrendering to what Hyukjae had said, “But aren’t you a bit jealous of…” Kyuhyun stopped talking and motioned his head, pointing towards the direction where Hae and Siwon are seated.

Hyukjae chuckled. He can’t possibly be jealous. He wouldn’t allow himself to be jealous. He was just being played. And he was just acting a while ago. He was acting like a jealous boyfriend. He convinced himself that it was still an act. He patted himself for doing a good job in playing his part.

He kept quiet from Kyuhyun’s question and looked at the two, laughing and whispering and such. He kept his eyes glued on Siwon and glared at him from a far.

Kyuhyun noticed this, “Yep, you are 100% not jealous,” he said sarcastically and chuckled.

Hyukjae woke up from his thoughts with Kyuhyun’s words. He flinched a bit thinking about what just happened right now. He was glaring at Siwon, hating him with all his gut. He did not know what has got into him.

“Oh dear, what’s happening to me,” Hyuk said and ruffled his hair hard. Kyuhyun and Sungmin stared at him and laughed at what they saw.

“Being jealous is normal in a relationship, Hyukjae,” Sungmin said.

“But we aren’t in a real relationship. Is it still normal that way?” he thought and immediately shoved that thought away.

“What’s not normal is flirting like that while you’re in a relationship,” Sungmin pointed at Donghae this time.

“He has the right to do that. It was our deal. I wouldn’t in if they were together,” he thought.

“You and Donghae need to talk, hyung. I told you he and Siwon were up to no good when we saw them in the ice cream parlor,” Kyuhyun said to him.

“Actually, I’m the one up to no good. I’m the one in the middle of Donghae’s well-thought out plan,” he thought.

“Hyung? Are you still alive?” Kyuhyun asked and waved his hand in front of Hyukjae’s eyes. Hyukjae was so distracted by his thoughts that he forgot the people helping him in his situation.

“Huh? Yeah, I’m okay,” Hyukjae said, “Thanks for the advice, guys. Or if you did give me one, I don’t know,” he laughed.

Sungmin gasped, “You weren’t listening!”

Hyukjae shook his head and laughed, “No, no, I was! It’s just that my thoughts are so cloudy right now, I can’t remember anything straight,” he said.

“Sure, Hyuk. Sure,” Sungmin said suspiciously.

Hyukjae just smiled in response, “I have to run,” he said, grabbed his things and stood up, “Thanks again, bye!” he waved. Kyuhyun and Sungmin waved back at him, still with worried faces.

+++

Hyukjae went home immediately after their last period. He planned to study all night since he had nothing better to do. He doesn’t want to use any social networking sites. He doesn’t want to play video games. He doesn’t want to empty out their fridge by eating everything in it. Studying was his last and only choice.

Hyuk locked himself in his bedroom He took out books he randomly grabbed from his locker since he was in a hurry and placed them beside him, taking one to put on his lap to be read. He flipped the book and it landed on a random page. He started reading the page.

But after a few minutes, he got bored. It surprised him because reading was never boring for him. It was his past time for his 18 years in existence. And somehow, he outgrew this pastime. He wanted to say that it was because of the situation he is in, that it will grow back. But sadly, he can’t think straight right now.

While he is in meditation mode, trying to clear his mind, his phone rang. He grabbed his phone and saw Heechul’s name and picture on it. He immediately answered it since he knew his friend hates waiting, “Hello?”

“Hyukjae! What the hell did I hear from Kyuhyun?” Heechul bluntly exclaimed.

Hyukjae suddenly got nervous. Kyuhyun must have said what was happening between him and Donghae. Since he had already admitted to Heechul what they were up to, Heechul must have analyzed it and passed it on to Kyuhyun and Kyu must have passed it on to Min. They’re busted.

“Wh-what did you hear?” Hyuk stuttered.

“He called me and said you and Donghae were in a relationship for 7 months already and Donghae is being flirtatious with Siwon and you’re getting real jealous,” Heechul said and Hyukjae could feel the older’s smirk through the phone.

Hyukjae laughed, “Busted, I guess?” he joked.

“Yeah, no , big boy. You’re really an idiot,” Heechul said.

“And why am I an idiot?” Hyukjae asked.

“Well, first of all, you’re competing with Siwon,” Heechul chuckled, “That’s already a loss, bro.”

“Don’t rub it in,” Hyuk pouted.

“Second, that’s Donghae we’re talking about. He’s not just your friend, he’s your best friend since diapers,” Heechul exclaimed.

Hyukjae sighed, “I know it’s wrong. But why do the superiors have to make it so much worse?”

“Ah ha! You said you knew it was wrong. That was your brain talking,” Heechul said.

“How do you even notice those types of things when you’re at a situation like this?” Hyukjae asked.

Heechul hummed, “A situation like what?”

Hyukjae tried to speak but he can’t put what he’s feeling in words. He sighed, “Confusion?” he answered.

“Wrong answer. You’re in denial, Hyukjae. Just admit it. You like Donghae, more than you should be liking him and you can’t have him because he likes someone else,” Heechul straightly said.

“It seems like you’re the one controlling my feelings now, not the superiors,” Hyukjae chuckled.

Heechul sighed, “Do you want my help or not?”

Hyukjae gave a laugh, “Would my confession to myself make me feel any better, hyung?”

“Yes! Try it, come on,” Chul exclaimed.

Hyukjae knew it was coming. He knew he was going to say these words anytime soon. He didn’t expect it to be this soon, though. He knew he had to be honest with himself if he’ll be going through this, especially when he’s handling it with Heechul. He knows it’s wrong. But deep inside, he knew that it’s still right. He was between right and wrong.

Hyukjae took a deep breath. There’s no use hiding it in anymore. He slowly exhaled and said, “I like my best friend, Lee Donghae.”

And after saying those words, his heart pounded like crazy and his head throbbed badly. He felt like he was lifting a big weight from his chest that he has had these past few days and throwing it out, like breathing fresh air and being reborn again. He also felt like the weight was transferred to his head, giving it rational reasons why what he said was going to be a bad idea. It gave him more fear.

“Well? How was it?” Heechul asked.

Hyukjae breathed heavily, “Hyung, I feel great and bad at the same time,” he said, “It’s the two superiors again, isn’t it?”

Chul chuckled a bit, “You’re getting better in understanding this,” he said, “Well, it’s the two superiors’ job to control you. They tell you what they want and it’s your choice who would you follow,” he explained.

Hyukjae got confused, “Would you please elaborate more about these superiors?”

Heechul started explaining, “Imagine two people; One is an optimist, which is your heart and Two is a realist, which is your brain,” he said, “One is always giving you these feelings that make you happy and contented. One always gives you positive things, like a fantasy, too good to be true, and he’s making you believe that it’s all possible.

“Two, on the other hand, gives you negative comments so you would wake up from your fantasy. He does most of the computations and rational thinking so you won’t hurt and get hurt in the end. It’s making a deal with you and One so they could unite,” Heechul said.

Hyukjae in, “Isn’t the opposite of optimist, pessimist?”

“Yes, but the other is not purely negative. Though fantasy is the best thing you could taste in life, not everything in it is good. If you stay too long, you might forget the reason why you’re here in earth, to be happy and contented with what reality gives you,” Heechul explained.

Hyukjae sighed, “Who should I follow, then?”

Heechul smiled at the phone, “I don’t know, idiot. I’m not you.”

“Who did you follow, hyung? What did you do to make your relationship with Hangeng hyung so stable?” Hyukjae asked.

Heechul tilted his head, “I followed my heart in chasing over him. I completely ignored my brain during those times. That’s how much I wanted to be with Hangeng,” he chuckled, “But after we got together, I started listening to my brain. My brain keeps me from going all gaga over all the time. Even though I listen to my brain, I still keep my heart in charge over everything. A mixture of both won’t hurt. It would only make your life better,” he said.

Hyukjae sighed, “This is bad. This is really bad,” he declaimed in sorrow, “I don’t know what to do.”

Heechul laughed a bit at Hyuk’s tone, “It’s not the end of everything, you know? You’ll meet someone else. Someone that when you leave him/her, you’ll both pretend you’re strangers.”

Hyuk shook his head, “But I don’t want to leave, hyung. I want to stay. I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

Heechul sighed, “If you really want him badly, go for him. Don’t let your brain dictate you for a while,” he said.

“But how the hell am I going to do that?” Hyukjae asked.

Heechul cursed, “Aish, do I have to do everything for you?” he asked, irritated, “Go find out yourself.”

“Sorry, hyung,” Hyukjae said, his tone with despair.

Heechul felt pity for Hyukjae, “You’re still his boyfriend, right? Or at least his fake one. Then, you could act like his real one. And if he asks you why you’re doing that, tell him you’re still acting.”

Hyukjae’s heart beat at Heechul’s words, agreeing to what the older had said, “Wouldn’t that be wrong?”

Heechul sighed, “I said don’t let your brain dictate you! Stupid monkey,” he chuckled, “Just enjoy it while it lasts. Try not to think about anything else but you and Donghae. And when he’s really for you, fate will do its magic. And when he’s not, that’s just life. You can’t always have what you want,”

Hyukjae laughed a bit, “But you can?”

Heechul laughed, “I am Kim Heechul. I play by no one’s rules, not even ‘life’s rules’. I can have what I want when I want it,” he joked.

Hyukjae laughed at his friend’s joke, “Okay, hyung. I have to hang up now,” he said.

Heechul hummed in agreeing, “Hmmm, I have to go, too.”

“See you next time, hyung. Thanks for everything,” Hyukjae said.

“Yeah, yeah, stupid fool in love,” Heechul joked and hung up the phone.

He put down his phone at his bedside table and lied down, looking at his ceiling. He was still reconsidering what Heechul had told him. He can’t play with Donghae like that. They had a deal and he still has to play by the rules they made.

Now that Hyukjae thinks about it, the rules don’t benefit him, at all. It’s all mutual benefits or Donghae’s benefit, none are his.

Donghae. Just thinking about how he had admitted to himself (and to Heechul) that he liked his best friend made him feel fuzzy. It was what he was feeling every time he says he feels ‘weird’ about what Donghae was doing. And thinking about Donghae being with Siwon is suddenly so heartbreaking for him.

He just realized what he’s doing. He’s now helping the guy he likes be together with his ex and he gets nothing in return.

“It’s not bad to be selfish sometimes, right?” he thought.

He has made up his mind. He is going to make every moment he spends as Donghae’s phony boyfriend last. He’s tired of putting on the mask, the mask he was uncomfortable with. Now, he wants to be himself. He’s going to be Donghae’s real boyfriend, even if he’s the only one who knows that this is all real. His feelings are real. 

===

[A/N] Daily update yayyyyy It's almost June /3 School is coming so I must update as frequently as I can
So, yeah. Heechul is a smart here hahahahahaha.

This fic is only about 10 or 15 chapters? plus 2 bonus chapters hihihi

(HAPPY FIRST MONTHSARY BEST OF BEST KPOP MANILAA~~ WOOT WOOT! #TeamVIPC) 

So, how do you feel about Hyuk finally realizing ? How do you feel about this chapter?
Let me know your comments and suggestions. I love your comments huhu. 

xoxoxo
--smiling angel--