DONGHAE’S POV

 “Stay happy”

Two words that had been repeating in my head for two weeks now. And after all those weeks, I’ve been thinking. How could I possibly be happy after what had happened?

I’m an idiot. I’m the biggest idiot you could ever know. I’m a selfish brat. I deserve all of these consequences. My heart is breaking, my head is hurting and my eyes are stinging.

I let my brain do the talking, not knowing I was being controlled. And after all those months of confusion, I now realize. I’ve done worse than hurt myself. I’ve hurt him. And I can do nothing about it now. He had already left for his university because he had early orientation programs. I have completely lost him.

The only guy I’ve been with since those days we were out of milk bottles. The only guy I’ve shared my Crayola with in kindergarten. The only guy who’ve slept over my house for a whole straight week in grade school. The only guy who had accepted me even though I was horrible during puberty. The only guy who could make me laugh and cry without any reason, I just have to look at him. The only guy who could brighten up my mood with just his smile. The only guy who has entered my life when I closed it from everyone else. The only guy who had opened my closed heart.

And I shut him down. I kicked him out of my life.

And it’s all because of those stupid decisions.

Decisions that came from my brain, small decisions. They had played a big role in my life. They also had ruined a part of it. Maybe if I reached out for my heart for once, I would’ve been happy. We would’ve been happy. And I wouldn’t be crawled up in my bed, sheets on top of my head, crying my heart out.

Because the small decision I made was the worst mistake I have done.

What do I mean by that?

Hmmm, what do I mean by that?

Even I don’t know. All I know is one thing.

I was never in love with Siwon.

I am deeply in love with Hyukjae.

And I can never have him back, now.

FLASHBACK

I had talked to Hyukjae last night in Nari’s house about the fake boyfriend thing. He said he won’t do it but he allowed me to find someone else in his replacement. So I did.

I went to the area where I knew Jung Yunho was, the place where all dancers come alive, the side alleys. Why did I choose Yunho anyway? Maybe it’s because he was exactly like Hyukjae, only more popular. But I’m not here to make him my boyfriend.

I reached the most famous side alley in our area. It wasn’t that cramped, since it’s still early morning. The walls that surround it where filled with vandals and graffiti arts that no one plans to remove. And while looking around, I saw him.

I walked up to Yunho and greeted him with a smile, “Hey, Yunho!”

He smiled back, “Oh, hey, Donghae! What are you doing here?”

I shrugged, “Nothing. I was just passing by. I’m not really in the mood for dancing today,” I said.

He nodded, “Okay, then. So, why are you here?”

I bit my lip and spoke, “I was hoping you’d do me a favor,” I said.

Yunho’s brows met, “What is it?”

“See, Hyukjae lost a bet to me and his consequence was to be my fake boyfriend. You know, just for a day. But he suddenly chickened out of it,” I said and Yunho laughed, “Since your relationship with him is… really intimidating,” I joked, “I planned to make him angry when he sees me and you together.”

“What exactly do you mean by that, Donghae?” Yunho asked.

“I just need you to go out with me until Hyukjae sees us today. Just so he could do the consequence,” I said bluntly.

“How sure are you that he’s going to see us today?” Yunho asked and I smirked, knowing he was interested in my offer.

“I just know so. I have a plan called, ‘Starbucks’. You don’t have to know about it yet,” I explained.

Yunho nodded and smirked, “What’s in it for me then?”

I sighed. I knew he was going to say this, “I’ll treat you out today at a café and buy you three games of your choice,” I said.

“Oh, bribery is it?” he chuckled, “Five games or the deal’s off.”

I rolled my eyes, “Fine. Sheesh,” I laughed.

Yes, I knew from the very start that Hyukjae and Yunho were rivals. I pretended not to know a single thing so Hyukjae would agree on being my fake boyfriend. At first, I didn’t know why I did such thing. Hyukjae was right, though. Why pick him? I could’ve picked any other hot guy in school with average grades.

But it had to be Hyukjae. I would be lost without him by my side. I can’t really explain it. I just feel it.

Now, I had already lost him. But I feel like I’m the one who’s lost.

+++

“I’m going to go at the musicals again this year,” Siwon said and looked at me.

We’re having lunch now. It’s our first day of acting together, Hyukjae and I. And I can’t help but feel giggly inside. I have never heard Hyukjae say such sweet words before. I am laughing.

I smiled at him, feeling weird, “Wow! That’s great! Then you can act with Hyukkie.”

I bit my lip and saw Hyukjae choke a bit. I pretended I didn’t notice and continued eating. Why the hell did I say that? Ugh, stupid Donghae.

“Hyukkie?” Siwon asked while half smiling at me.

I smiled back at him, “Yeah, my nickname for Hyukjae,” I faced Hyuk, “Right, Hyuk?”

Hyukjae smiled back at me and said, “Yeah. I remembered when you first called me that.”

I tried to hide the ridiculous laughter I was mentally giving Hyukjae. Is he really going to ride on my joke?

I smiled at him, “You do? When?”

He smiled, “It was when we were washing Choco, remember? You were holding Choco and I was sprinkling him down with a hose. And then I squirted you with water and you let go of Choco and said ‘Get him, Hyukkie!’” Hyukjae laughed and I smiled as well. Why is he good at making up stories? “And I got a bit distracted with the nickname and we both chased her and got covered in mud,” Hyuk shook his head.

I laughed out loud, hoping it had convinced Siwon, “Oh yeah! And I slept over at your house that night, right? During summer?” I rode my on joke and Hyuk nodded. We’re really the best tandem.

Siwon shook his head, laughing a bit, “Wow. I really missed out a lot of things. I need to catch up,” he said, sipped his iced tea and turned to Donghae, “Donghae, are you available after school? The principal I should get a buddy to help me with catching up the lessons and everything and you’re the closest person I got,” he laughed a bit.

I nearly squealed. He was the one asking me out. No need for another crazy plan. And the moment Hyukjae said yes, I really can’t believe it. I’m going out on a date with Siwon. After 2 years.

I waited outside the gate for him, like what Siwon and I talked about. And I’m still having a hard time analyzing my feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I am super psyched. But I’m also feeling nauseous right now. I think I might be sick.

But anyway, ice cream would make me feel better, especially ice cream with Siwon.

And speaking of which, here comes my knight. I smile at him and he smiles back.

“Let’s go?” Siwon asked.

“Let’s go!” I said and we started walking to the ice cream parlor.

The walk there was awfully awkward. When I catch him looking at me, I just smile, feeling something weird in my stomach. I’m nauseous again.

And we reach the ice cream shop. I remembered when Hyukjae and I first ate here when we were 7 years old. He ordered Cookies n’ Cream and I ordered Vanilla with chocolate syrup and sprinkles. And when my ice cream had melted, I poured it on top of Hyuk’s head. Of course, he cried because he was a cry baby (and he still is). And I got scolded by both my mom and his mom. I chuckled a bit at those thoughts.

“So, what do you want?” I heard Siwon say and I snapped out of my thoughts.

“Just give me Mint Choco Chip,” I smiled.

Siwon nodded, “Okay. Go find a seat for us and wait for me there.”

I nodded in response and went to a high chair seat. Hyukjae loves high chairs. It made him feel taller. And because we always sit on them, I started to love them, as well. I sigh. I wonder what Hyuk’s doing right now.

And without notice, Siwon arrived with our ice creams. He gave mine and I thanked him for it. I saw his order and smiled at him.

“Seriously, Siwon?” I asked.

Siwon scooped his semi-frozen dessert and said, “What?”

“Plain chocolate? No extra topping or something?” I chuckled.

Siwon nodded and smiled, “My taste had changed ever since I moved away,” he took a bite and continued, “Did you know The Beatles is way better than Maroon 5?”

I nodded, trying to understand everything that he was saying. I’m facing a different Siwon. And somehow, out of the blue, I wished Hyukjae was here to kill the awkwardness I feel.

The first date I had with Siwon? My thoughts were all surrounded by Hyukjae. I tried to focus on what Siwon was saying but every time he says a thing related to Hyuk, my mind would wander off to Hyukjae land (Yeah, not funny).

And then the next afternoon, Hyukjae asked me how was the date. I tried my best not to say that I thought about him the entire time. But I did give hints. I told him his favorite flavors and how I notice little things about him (or, in that time, little things about everyone, which was a complete lie). Instead, I told him how Siwon had changed.

I haven’t really thought about this until now. But I think this was the time that I had started to like him.

+++

We’re now at the mall. I borrowed (*cough*stole*cough*) Donghwa’s black card to go shopping with Hyukjae. I wanted him to look good in front of the public if was to be my boyfriend. So using Donghwa’s unlimited money, we went to look for his clothes.

I handed him matched clothes and he wore them one at a time. I never thought my best friend would have such a friggin’ hot body. Who knew with that nerdy style of his, right?

“Well?” Hyukjae said.

I looked at him to see what he was wearing. He was wearing a plain black shirt under a red checkered shirt and skintight black jeans. I was hypnotized. I looked at his eyes, which were already staring at me. Our gazes locked. I felt my heart thumping. I didn’t feel this yesterday, though. I shook my thoughts and went from fanboy Donghae to professional best friend Donghae.

I looked at him from top to bottom and twisted his lips, “Something’s missing.”

I looked around and saw a basket of accessories inside the fitting room. I went nearer the basket and saw a black fedora in it. I grabbed it and looked at Hyukjae. He was also looking at me. I went near him with the fedora in my hand, not breaking our eye contact. I put the fedora on him and smiled.

 “Look at you,” I looked at him from head to toe again, “I think this is my favorite so far. Black looks good on you. And so those skinny jeans,” I joked.

Hyuk smiled shyly, “I thought you like white better than black?”

I tilted my head, “Well, now that I think about it,” I smiled at him and looked deep in his eyes, “Black does look better than white.”

Yes, I know. I was flirting with him. I can’t believe after all those signs, I still think of him as a best friend. The stupidity of Lee Donghae will never end. But can you blame me? We’ve been 18 years as friends. I can’t see any sign of falling this late of the friendship.

+++

“So…what was with you yesterday?” I asked him, “I mean, you were acting really weird.”

Hyukjae smiled shyly at me and said, “I was just acting my part, silly.”

“Acting your part?” I asked in curiosity.

“Jealous boyfriend, duh,” Hyukjae smiled, “Kyuhyun and Sungmin would suspect something if I didn’t do such. They were ing questioning me!” he laughed.

I felt relief in his words. I thought he was really mad at me. But in contrast, I felt disappointed. I actually thought he was jealous of Siwon and I.

Wait, what am I saying?

I shook my thoughts away and nodded. I smiled at him and slapped his arm, “Well, you should’ve told me, stupid. I was really confused yesterday, if you only knew. I had to act in front of Siwon that I was upset because you fought with me or something,” I said.

I wasn’t really acting in front of Siwon that time. I really thought he was mad at me. And I was really upset in front of Siwon.

Again, what am I saying?

We walked on the corridors of our building, “Jeez, sorry, okay? I thought you could match my acting talents. Where’s your cockiness now?” he teased.

I jumped on his back and slapped him multiple times, laughing while doing so, “Take that back! I am not cocky! I’m just overconfident.”

“Okay! Okay! I take it back! God, you are so defensive,” Hyukjae smirked.

We kept laughing aloud, since not many students are around yet. I stayed on Hyuk’s back and rested my head on his shoulder. This really feels nice. It feels like my bed is walking. It’s just as comfortable as my bed. I loved it.

We arrived in front of his locker, “Okay, Hae get down now,” Hyuk said.

I snuggled my head deeper, “No~” I said cutely.

Hyukjae laughed, “Seriously, Hae, I’m getting tired. You’re really heavy.”

He bent down and tried to put my legs on the ground. I lifted myself higher and put my legs around his waist. He snickered and I laughed.  

“Ah, Lee Donghae, you are tiring, really,” Hyukjae joked.

I pouted and went down from his back.  

Hyukjae looked at me, “Stop that pouting. You look like a kid,” he said and rubbed his back, probably hurting from all those weight.

I felt guilty. I guess I should’ve gone down from his back earlier. So to make it up to him, I gave little punches to his back to relieve the pain while making cute punching noises. Hyukjae laughed. It was like music to my ears.

Sungmin, Kyuhyun and Siwon arrived without notice. Siwon looked at us and said, “I thought you two were fighting just yesterday?”

I smiled and back hugged Hyukjae on the shoulders and placed my cheek on his back, “We made up last night. He was just on his PMS,” I joked.

Hyukjae faked a laugh, “Ha-ha, very funny, Donghae. Do you want another fight today?” he said and smirked.

“No, master. Forgive me,” I pleaded jokingly, the joke half meant.

“Well, that’s good to hear. Yesterday, Hyuk was like ‘My life is a wreck. Kill me now’” Sungmin said.

I looked at Hyukjae and laughed a bit. My stomach is fluttering. I smiled at him and said, “You said that?”

Hyukjae laughed shyly, “Well, actually, I---”

Siwon suddenly spoke, interrupting our conversation, “Oh Hyukjae! Before I forget, the audition for the school play is near. You’re going, right? I do need someone to go with,” he smiled.

Hyukjae looked at the side, “Oh, I’m not sure if I’m going to audition this year,” he said awkwardly.

I pulled back in shock, “What?! You? Not going to audition? Can’t be possible, babe.”

‘Babe ’it’s nice calling him that.

The three had already left, which made Hyukjae and I alone again. As much as I don’t want to, I pulled back from our hug, “Well, that went…well, err,” I laughed.

Hyukjae smirked, “Yeah, it did,” he said.

I stared at him while he’s fixing his things. Here go his academics, again. I sighed and held my breath before asking, “You are going to have lunch with us, right?”

Hyukjae looked at me and smiled, “Why?”

“No more bailing on me, right Hyukjae?” I asked.

Hyukjae chuckled, “I thought you wanted to be alone with Siwon? What’s with that?”

I smiled a bit, “Siwon is great, really. But still, it’s not the same without my best friend. You know what I’m saying?” I bit my lip quietly.

Hyukjae sighed, “I’ll be there, Donghae. Don’t worry. My next mock exam will be a month from now. I have time,” he joked.

I chuckled back, “Promise you won’t leave?” I said.

Hyukjae closed his locker and looked deeply in Donghae’s innocent eyes, “I won’t, promise.”

“Your best friend or your lover?” Siwon asked and wiggled his eyebrows. We all laughed.

We’re playing This or That. We pick one of the possible answers. No answers in between. Just one of the two.

 “I’ll pick lover, since I don’t have a best friend,” Sungmin joked.

“I’ll pick the same, then,” Kyuhyun said and laughed.

Siwon smiled at the two. He looked at Donghae, “What about you, Hae?”

I mentally gulped. I awkwardly laughed and said, “I don’t think I have to pick one since Hyukjae is both of them.”

I saw Hyukjae smile at the corner of my eye and he put an arm around me. He nuzzled his nose on my head and my heart stomped hard.

I twisted my lips, “But if I had to pick,” I smiled, “I prefer the best friend,” I said with pure honesty.

 “I like having someone to call mine, but it feels different when you’re with your best friend,” I looked at Hyuk and smiled at him, “You know what I mean?”

He smiled back, “Can you please explain and flatter me?” he joked.

“You have someone that knows every single detail about you. And they’ll never let you down. They’re always by your side even at your craziest times. You share everything and anything together. That’s what’s special about best friends.

“When you fight with your lover, usually it ends there or it’ll take time. But when you and your best friend fight, it’s already a usual thing that you don’t need an apology for you two to be okay with each other again,” I continued.

I felt Hyukjae face me so I looked at him back. Our faces were only centimeters from each other and my heart pumped harder. Hyukjae was trying to pull back. I can feel it. I placed my hand on his jaw lightly, preventing him to do so.

I was lost in his eyes. We stared at each other like there was no time left. We only had today, “That’s why your best friend is the best lover you could ever have. He’s everything you want, everything you need, everything you are and more,” I smiled.

And in a flash, Hyukjae went near my forehead and I felt his lips land on it gently, like a feather brushing my skin. It was miserable and magical at the same time. It was right and wrong.

Yes, it was right and wrong that time. We were in between. But if it had happened right now, it would only be right, never wrong. I hate how I only realize this now. I wasted all those chances and now regret fills my veins. I hate it so much.

+++

Siwon had invited me for a study date. But it’s not a date! It’s a study session. I told Hyukjae about it and watched his reaction. He seemed okay about it. And that hurt me a bit. I wanted at least a bit of reaction. He acted as if it was nothing.

So, instead, I called Siwon and cancelled our study session. I want to hang out with Hyukjae for a while.

“What the hell are you doing here, Donghae? Don’t you have a date with Siwon?” Hyukjae exclaimed and jumped on his couch. I followed him.

I rolled my eyes on him, “Okay, first of all, it’s not a date. It’s a study session,” I defended.

Hyukjae raised a brow, “Study session?” he asked jokingly.

“Yes. It’s not really a formal thing,” I said, “Second, Siwon said he couldn’t make it today because he had a surprise church thing. You know that person and his religious beliefs,” I lied, knowing if Hyuk knew the real reason, he’ll think I’m nuts.

“Yes, we are going out today,” I stood up and offered my hand to Hyukjae, “So get up and get showered. You are not going out smelling like that,” I joked.

He took my hand and stood up, smirking, “Smelling like what?”

I went near him and smirked back, “Like natto beans put in a jar of pickle juice and poured over Shindong hyung’s gym socks,” I said.

Hyukjae’s face turned wicked, “Oh yeah?” he said and went nearer, so near that I felt his breaths.

I gulped, nervous of his capability, “You better apologize and take back what you said, Lee Donghae,” Hyukjae said, “On the count of three.”

“Wh-what are you going to do?” I stuttered.

“One,” Hyukjae said.

“Hyukjae, what are you doing?” I bit my lip.

“Two.”

I ran upstairs before I heard him say three. And we had a wild chase on his bathroom and his bedroom. He saw me on his bed and ran up to me and pinned me down. I struggled but his grip was too strong. Damn, I really have to work out on summers.

I looked at him and pleaded, “Okay! I’m sorry. You don’t smell like that. Please get off me,” I laughed.

Hyuk shook his head, “No can do, Donghae,” he chuckled, “I need a better apology.”

I grunted, “You really want to know what you smell like? Okay, I’ll tell you. You smell like you. Those strong men’s shampoo, mild shaving cream and strawberry body wash were all combined to create your scent. And I had appreciated it ever since you had started using it. So believe me when I say you don’t smell like what I said earlier,” he begged.

Hyukjae looked at me one last time and got off me. He smiled at me, “You described my scent well,” he joked.

“Well, I do notice every little thing about you,” I chuckled, only biting my lip afterwards. What the did I just say?

Hyuk walked up to his closet and grabbed his towel, “I’m going to shower and I’ll put as much scent on my body as I can,” he looked at me and smiled widely, showing off his gums.

“Extra strawberry, please,” I said and laughed. He exited the room.

And only at the end of our date did I realize what I just did. I ditched my ex just so I could go out with my best friend and I treated my best friend like a real boyfriend.

This… is… whacked up, for real.

And again, I failed to realize that I do like him that time. Heck, I might be already in love with him. But stupid Donghae is stupid. Donghae’s stupidity lives on forever. I let my brain control myself again. Because I thought Siwon was my knight.

Yes, Siwon is my knight. But Hyukjae is my king.

+++

I convinced myself that I don’t like Hyukjae. I had never liked Hyukjae more than a friend. It’s just brotherly love, what I feel for him, no more, no less. And it actually helped a lot. Though I was still there for him when he studies or when he practices his script, it’s nothing more than brotherly love.

Right?

I watched the auditions from afar. I went alone, just to see him and Siwon, but mostly Siwon. Siwon did really well. He had real connection with his group mates. I loved his performance.

And Hyukjae’s performance? Don’t even ask me. I hated it. He didn’t match Peter Pan at all. He’s better off to be one of the extra pirates, not the lead role. He doesn’t match with his Wendy. I mean, they don’t have the spark. He portrayed Peter Pan like an amateur. The Wendy was ugly and Tinker Bell had nothing better to do.  And I got so infuriated when they almost kissed like that. I hate him. I hate him so much.

Wait, what the am I saying?!

“How was I a while ago?” Hyukjae asked me.

I just shrugged, “Meh. You were okay,” he said.

He laughed a bit. I hate his laugh, “I told you Siwon is better than me,” Hyukjae spoke.

“Yeah, way better than you,” I calmly said.

I felt him smile beside me. Can’t he take a hint? I don’t want him near me, “You two seemed happy a while ago,” he said. I knew he was referring to me and Siwon.

I smirked, “And why do you care?”

I can’t lie. I knew deep inside, I wanted him to say he was completely jealous and that he hated seeing me happy with Siwon like that.

Then again, I’m just being played by my brain.

Hyukjae stuttered a bit, “I—I was just, you know, checking if your plan is working. You know the plan where we make him jealous so he could be yours again.”

I stopped walking and chuckled, “Oh that plan. Yeah, we’re doing pretty well. He’s coming later to our get together at Kyuhyun’s house. I hope he finally admits he’s taking me back there so we could end this fake relationship.”

And I walked away, not looking back. I want him to stay away. I hate him so much.

Siwon and I arrived in Kyuhyun’s house. Everyone was loud and crazy drinking. I looked around, no sign of him. It was a good sign, right? Right?

After a few minutes of our arrival, Siwon went to greet the others and left me on the living room, alone. Heechul hyung arrived, lifting his favorite beer and grunting.

“Woah, hyung. What happened to you?” I asked and tried to help him.

He sighed, “I picked up this stupid order. It’s so far from here. Ugh, I hate Hyukjae.”

We think the same thing but what was his reason?

“Why Hyukjae?” I asked bluntly, trying not to sound so eager.

“I told him to pick up this order before going here and he suddenly told me he won’t come,” he growled, “I’m going to kill that boy.”

And I felt relief. He wasn’t coming. Or is it relief that I’m feeling? I don’t know. But suddenly, I feel uncomfortable. Then, Siwon returned. He made it worse.

I was too scared to admit that I did want to see him. I did want to talk to him. I wanted to say sorry for acting like someone I was not. And I haven’t had the chance to.

Siwon was always with me. It was nice having company, really. But it’s not the same without Hyukjae. It was like pasta without the sauce or the spoon without the fork. I missed him that time. But I was too scared to admit it.

+++

For the next few weeks, I kept my distance from Hyukjae. Meaning, I also kept distance from Kyuhyun and Sungmin. I know I’m so selfish. I know what I did wrong. I should’ve just faced him and said sorry. I don’t want to lose another friend, especially not Hyukjae.

I knew his grade on his last mock exam was 83%. I think I was the only one who knew. And I kept it to myself, silently cheering him on the side. I always check at him when he stays for the library, taking peeps on the windows. I wanted him to feel that I was there. But then again, I hurt him. I had no right to talk to him, not yet.

I knew he was already friends with Yunho, which was good, actually. I was just jealous. I felt replaced. I hated it. He found someone he would rather be with. Why would he want to be with me anymore? I hurt him. I had no right to be with him, not yet.

And when I accidentally met him on his way to the office, I felt my world crack. He was really hurt. I had more reasons to hate myself. I had hurt my best friend. He’s broken. And I don’t even know anything about his biggest mistake yet. What kind of friend am I? But I am not a friend. I had no right to call him that, not yet.

Siwon had been next to me the entire time. He was nice, really. But he was not a friend. No, he was a friend. He was just not the friend I needed. I need someone who understands my stupidity no matter what. I need someone who gets what I’m saying without having to repeat it. I need someone who’ll be willing to spend a week in the alleys with me just so I could dance. I need someone like Hyukjae. I need Hyukjae.

It was dismissal time. I stayed late in class to measure my graduation toga and hat. When I went out, Siwon was waiting for me.

“Hi,” I greeted.

“Hi,” he answered, “Let’s go to the garden,” he invited me and pulled my hand.

We reached the garden with no words said. And we walked to the sunflower aisle. He suddenly stepped in front of me and got down in bended knee. I opened my mouth to say something but I got shut up when I saw Siwon pull out a small velvet box from his pocket.

A ring. For me.

Perfect, right?

No, it’s not.

“Siwon, what are you doing?” I asked, flustered.

Siwon sighed, “Donghae, hear me out. I had never stopped loving you, okay? I got really hurt when you and Hyukjae were together. I played along, hoping I could take you back. That was why I kept asking you out,” he said and smiled.

I stuttered on what to say, “I—we’re still together, Siwon,” I lied.

Siwon shook his head, “Hyukjae told me the truth,” he stood up, “Why didn’t you just tell me? I could’ve taken you back the moment I stepped on this school,” he laughed.

I shook my head this time, “Siwon, I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t know anything anymore.”

He took my hand, “Let me help you learn things, Donghae. I’ll help you. Just be with me and we’ll be fine,” he said.

I felt guilty. He looked so sincere. I hugged him and tears formed in my eyes, “Not now, Siwon. My mind’s blurred up. Hyukjae and I, we’re messed up. We didn’t think anything through. I didn’t think anything through. Let me think for a while, okay?”

I felt Siwon nod in my embrace and we stayed like that for a while.

Yes, I turned down Siwon. Yet I still don’t know how I felt about everything that time. I just can’t take a hint. Why the hell would I turn down Siwon if I’m so madly in love with him?

Because I wasn’t.

Because I was already in love with Hyukjae.

+++

“I’m sorry for ruining our friendship for us, Donghae. I know I can’t make it better. But I just want you to forgive me,” Hyukjae told me. My stomach hurt. He shouldn’t be sorry.

 “No, Hyuk. I ruined it. I want you to forgive me. Forgive me and take me back,” I sobbed harder and harder, my heart aching more by the second.

He slowly pulled back from the hug and looked at me, “Take you back?”

I breathed out and said with all my guts, “Let’s be best friends again, Hyukjae.”

He looked at me with hurt eyes and said, “Donghae, too much has happened. I don’t know if we could be the same again.”

I got mad at him, “Who are you to predict things, huh? Why not try it first?”

“Because I don’t want to get hurt anymore! I don’t want to remember, Donghae! I want to forget! I want to forget you and Siwon and anything else related to you!” he shouted, I didn’t expect him to.

I shrank to a dust. My voice cracked, “Why?”

“Because you’re the one I fell for, idiot! And I want to forget the feeling but you bursting up like this is just making me feel worse.”

And I felt myself become dizzy. I stepped back a bit, trying to take in everything that he had just said. He loved me. He didn’t tell me. His biggest mistake… was falling for me.

Hyuk clucked his tongue, “There. Now, you know the truth. Will you please stay away now? I’m trying to move on.”

“Why… why didn’t you tell me?” I cried harder.

He chuckled, “Would it make a difference, Donghae? Would it make you come back to me?” he asked me.

Now, I understand. He felt like I turned him down. He felt unwanted. He felt like a second choice.

And I feel like a bastard right now.

I opened my mouth and tried to say something. When no words came out, I hugged him tightly and said softly, “I… I am so sorry.”

“Donghae, don’t apologize. It was never your fault,” Hyuk said and rubbed my back, he looked at me and smiled a bit, “Do me a favor, Donghae.”

I sniffed hard, “What is it?”

“Stay happy,” he whispered. It made me sob harder and he hugged me and caressed my head. He pulled back completely before looking at me one last time, “I’ll see you soon, Hae.”

Idiot of the Year: Lee Donghae

After 2 days of analyzing what happened, only then did I realize I was in love with him. Only then did I realize all the chances I was given to have the perfect relationship and ruined it. Only then did I realize I had ruined a friendship that would’ve lasted a lifetime.

A lifetime. I thought those words were only used by couples when they’re married. I had never thought I’d use it on my best friend.

We’re not a couple. We were never a couple. We were fakers. We were something that will never be true. But we were also something that felt true.

I stood up from my bed and sat on my window, thinking what we would have been if we were together right now. We could’ve been the world’s best couple yet. I mean, who wouldn’t want their best friend as their boyfriend, right?

As much as I want to catch him, I have to face reality as well. He’s moving on, forward. I should, too. It won’t be easy, I know. But I’ll try. I’ll love again. I’ll try again. And again. And again. And again. Until I finally get it right.

And who knows? Maybe one day, our paths will meet again. And we’ll be more than what we were before. We’ll be better.

I look down and saw his dad’s car pass our street. It must be him. He’s finally leaving. He is forgetting the past and starting fresh. He’s reaching his dream. And I should, too.

I smile, knowing our story made the world a more interesting place.

Because I fell in love with my boy best friend. And we could’ve been best boyfriends.

Farewell, Lee Hyukjae. Thank you for everything.

I love you, Hyukkie.

===

GUYS PLEASE READ THIS (AGAIN HIHIHIHI)

[A/N] I updated early because this chapter was really easy to make haha (and I skipped making 5 school proposals because of this so forgive me if there are errors or something)
So for everyone who had requested a Donghae POV, here you go! 
So, don't hate Donghae. He's just as confused as Hyukjae (It's just that Hyukjae is smarter haha)

Thank you so much for your wonderful (and heartbreaking) comments. I love you guys so much. 
This is the first story I've officially finished. I can't believe it. 

xoxoxo
--smiling angel--